Broken reward mechanism?

[Hap E-Boi]

Hey,

Since I got out of “stage red” (not sure where I am now, I move back and forth), I noticed my reward system seems broken (it was broken back then as well). Once I do even the slightest pleasurable thing, I get euphoric AF and after my brain is constantly looking for dopamine.

The only way I know of to counter that is to eat uber clean, remove all pleasure from life and making it as boring as possible. However as soon as I encounter something pleasurable again, I get high from typing this, talking, listening music, working on a project, eating tomatoes, humor, seeing a pretty woman, guy or non-binary person walking down the street, YouTube (even though I stripped the entire UI of all distractions), etc.

Not to talk about sugar, MSG or caffeine yet... these are like meth to me, I'm teetotal on those as they completely fry my brain, from which I have to recover for weeks.

It's not a happy spiritual high, it feels like having drunk a lot of caffeine (which I now completely avoid) combined with some euphoria. People tell me I kinda have the vibe of someone on being speed.

Due to this I'm a huge procrastinator, life's a constant hustle and grind for me.

Perhaps this all is because deep inside I think I have some unprocessed anger, loneliness, fear. The COVID-19 crisis seems to make these worse, especially the loneliness of lockdowns.

Also I have to note I've been given ADHD medications as a child which are technically amphetamines, furthermore several years ago I've been coping with an energy drink addiction.

Nowadays I meditate and exercise a lot, but it's really hard to keep the habit. I have to re-initiate the habit quite often, forgiving myself every time. What I then do is to disconnect the internet cable for days in order to reset my dopamine receptors.

I don't want to victimize here (well I'm doing it though), I know I can get out of this and I will get out of this.

Possible questions to help me coping with this are:
-Is this normal to some degree?
-Did anyone here had similar experiences?
-Any ways to ease this?

Edited April 28, 2021 by Hap E-Boi

[BipolarGrowth]

On 4/28/2021 at 9:58 AM, Hap E-Boi said:

Possible questions to help me coping with this are:
-Is this normal to some degree?
-Did anyone here had similar experiences?
-Any ways to ease this?

-I haven’t heard of anyone with this specific situation.

-It sounds similar to what I experience in some aspects of mania or hypomania. The euphoria can snowball itself, and the brain ends up finding usually unhealthy ways to continue to supply itself with more and more dopamine. 

-Avoid stimulants if possible. Use the methods you’ve already found to have some benefit in as balanced of a way as possible. The trick is to get yourself to do as much of the right activities as you are likely to sustain. Going too restrictive on yourself in an attempt to completely solve things can just make a relapse type occurrence all the more likely in the future. 

[Hap E-Boi]

6 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

-I haven’t heard of anyone with this specific situation.

-It sounds similar to what I experience in some aspects of mania or hypomania. The euphoria can snowball itself, and the brain ends up finding usually unhealthy ways to continue to supply itself with more and more dopamine. 

-Avoid stimulants if possible. Use the methods you’ve already found to have some benefit in as balanced of a way as possible. The trick is to get yourself to do as much of the right activities as you are likely to sustain. Going too restrictive on yourself in an attempt to completely solve things can just make a relapse type occurrence all the more likely in the future. 

Thanks for the answer, I was surprised it sounds like mania, perhaps I can learn from it by seeing things from that perspective.

Regarding stimulants, even though I used to be severely addicted to caffeine, at the moment I'm probably way cleaner than most of the world population. I also don't take any any ADHD meds atm.

Nonetheless that state only works for a few hours, and I got severe depression/withdrawal/no focus disorientation/speech problems/general fuzziness for the next two weeks.

It kinda helps to live like if I was a monk which is easier being on benefits. Nonetheless it's still hard.

Meditating several hours a day helps a lot though. But it requires a lot of discipline.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Hap E-Boi

[DIDego]

I have used ADHD meds during "re-program" all the trillion dopamine thing brain can use as source.

This is a long story short.

So i choose one solution for deal with the many problems, to solve the dopamine source "meds", so brain let go of seeking and instead start able get focus to do something about it in the long run.

But it was necessary to take a big break reset and stop doing almost everything fun, that was mostly distractions from what ego ,knows are towards a change and death are coming... again...again and 

The need feeling for meds are slowly fading, all changes that done makes it fading automatic, but it has been a struggle and process to keep the "needs" stable.