Well Shit, Let's Get Actualised

[Venus]

I'm in my late teens.
This will be my journal for all my development and growth in all the fields such as sex, relationships, emotions, education, business, happiness, spirituality and any other topic I focus on.

I know how great and helpful journals are so I'm gonna be putting in a lot of commitment; this is gonna be fun for me…and for any readers who like frequent, cringy jokes.

I've been raised with quite a philosopher/thinker for a dad, so self actualisation and a lot of the content here at actualized.org has always been a great part of my life and usually been the types of topics at the forefront of it. So hopefully this journal will get pretty interesting as I finally put proper focus on really growing my life instead of the petty excuse for an attempt that I know I've been doing.

Let's go

[dude]

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I've been raised with quite a philosopher/thinker for a dad,

 

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I'm in my late teens.

 

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cringy jokes

We have a lot in common . I hope you will stay around so I can see your growth and get some juicy wisdom from my fellow man.

- the dude

[Venus]

@dude Haha was just checking out your journal and thinking the same; business starting, longboards... all of it. Good one to stay on.
Your layout makes it great and easy to read too, so I might just have to steal some of your ideas there  

[Venus]

End of day entry

Green = complete
Red = haven't done
Blue = to focus on/to do
Orange = n/a
Purple = topic
 

Daily habits

• 20 min meditation
• Get up before 7
• 1.5 hours+ of being off my ass doing something that adds to life experience/growth, outside of normal commitments
• Work on life purpose

Comments: - getting up early is super hard, like, bed's just so comfy and when I'm there my head just comes up with really good excuses for why it's okay to go back to sleep. 
(Tomorrow is first proper day of marking down progress because I only started journal tonight).

 

Life purpose/long term goal

• To find life purpose
• To make a world changing effect (good one)

Comments: Over the last few months I've narrowed it down to these rough areas:

• Animal or nature work/help (e.g. veterinary work)
• Police or something that gets me seeing the rough, exciting, real side of life
• Work with children
• Self actualisation
• (Flowy type thing - something that gives that rich, deep, loving feeling like music or flying) - in brackets because only suggested it recently and is pretty vague

Really in love with all these things, but I keep finding reasons for each why I shouldn't actually pursue them, but I believe that's coming from some fear, so I need to look into that and start listening to my deeper voices more.

 

Tomorrow's goals

• finish all schoolwork
• get some good study in

 

Emotions - relationships

So there's this girl and we used to be lovers, but I ended it for reasons I'll say another time. But we're still super close, best friends and all, however, she has a boyfriend now. However however, our sex was amazing and this has happened before: she's had a boyfriend and her and I would meet up to hang as friends, but whoopsy, always end up having really passionate sex because her boyfriend doesn't do her the way I do her (I took her virginity, so I suppose I would say I'm a bit like her template for what sex should be like, maybe? I don't know, but I would say I'm a lot more loving outwards than the guys she's gotten with 'since' me. Basically, what I'm trying to say is I know what she likes and she keeps coming back to me). 

I ended it because I wanted to fix my neediness and desperation for love. I told her it was just for me, but she needed it too. But she jumps straight at another guy as soon as she drops one. She's never on her own.

I should probably also say that I find this girl wonderful and would say I fully respect her… but I don't actually know how I would mean that.

What I wanted to say was just how tonight she phoned me in tears whilst she was at a party, telling me how her boyfriend had gotten mad at her after she told him she was bi and made out with this other girl who is their friend. 
Of course I was comforting and let her know that everything's okay, because it is, but SHITTTT! This shit is news to me. (p.s. me and the girl she made out with aren't good friends)...
my emotions = wtf is going on????!!!!:
1. I didn't know she was bi  
2. now she's also possibly got feelings for this person I don't like
3. but also I'm trying to get over her and be okay with this shit

If I'm honest with myself, I think I'm being lazy about this beating neediness shit - 

• I still let myself sleep with her 
• I keep playing this game in my head: "oh no she likes this person. What am I gonna do?" etc
• I think I might be drip feeding myself with her by still being close, Idk

It's difficult because it would be much easier to not be so close to her if she wasn't like my only proper friend (along with one other girl).
And here's another big thing: that other close friend is another one of my exs.
My only two close friends are both my exs.
Is this because I haven't let myself let go of them? - I think I'm super scared of being alone and writing it all out here has helped me realise that, although I think I already knew and needed a reason to stop being a little bitch and stop hiding it from myself. 
I really hope to make a proper move forward in life, instead of lying to myself and staying comfy in a bullshit excuse for 'growth'.

I really must notice my fears and conquer them or I'm gonna make myself miserable and bring a bunch of brilliant people down with me. 

Fixing neediness is part of my goals, and now so will not being a little bitch.


I've stayed up way too late to write all this, so getting up before 7 is gonna be real hard and leave me tired unless I sleep over… I better not, just for the habit.
Well, let's see if I'm a good boy
Night 

Edited October 29, 2016 by Venus

[Venus]

Unscheduled entry - loneliness

I think one of the most feared things, by humans at least, is loneliness. And it's really something to get the fuck over and deal with if you want to get somewhere not shit in life.

...Ignoring something isn't dealing with it.

Edited October 29, 2016 by Venus

[Venus]

Beddy byes entry

Green = complete
Red = haven't done
Blue = to focus on/to do
Purple = topic
 

Yesterday's tomorrow's goals

• finish all schoolwork
• get some good study in

 

Daily habits

• 20 min meditation
• Get up before 7 - I woke up at like 9 ffs I'm so bad
• 1.5 hours+ of being off my ass doing something that adds to life experience/growth, outside of normal commitments
• Work on life purpose

Comments:
For fUck sake, when you feel shit is necessary and that you "must" do shit, it makes the thought of doing it so much more miserable. At least for me anyway. It just becomes so stressful all of a sudden with all this crap I "need" to do. The stress just sends you down and you forget being conscious of stuff; you're just into head down, "FUCK FUCK FUCK" mode. Really, I should slow down and stop viewing it as me against something but really as me for me; Im doing all this shit I'm committing myself to, just for me, I don't have to but it's all for my wellbeing and help. Because when I get this shit roadblock motherfuckface (me feeling shit and unmotivated) out the way (which is on and off, so I know what it's like), then the stuff in my life should start to speed up.
Remember, life purpose first; visualise it and make today's actions have a much bigger meaning that just "to get them over and done". 
It's much bigger and greater and not so horrible, just wake the fuck up. Wake up wake up wake up.

 

 

Stress

It's a motherfucking bitchy bitch cloud that we mustn't let ruin us, or we'll get super pissed and annoyed like I am because of how I let stress drag me down and not do the things I wanted to do today. Maybe it was because I was actually being lazy. Who knows? I think not. I think it's more me and me having no defined purpose that I can see, so everything just feels like a drag at times. I don't know. I'll look into it and get back to you.

 

I must go to sleep. I want to get up before 7 and have good sleep. Im going to do it this time. I'll remember how shit it felt today when I didn't do what I knew I should do and was 'lazy'. That'll get me moving.
Tomorrow should feel great.

I love you, me. 
Stay strong <3

[Venus]

End of day entry

"Go to bed tired with pride"

Had a relaxing day, but did most of the stuff I told myself to do. Not all though, I really need to get more up beat. Stayed much more conscious and aware near the end of it, realising how spectacular and unique awareness actually is (well, not fully of course).

 

Daily habits

• 20 min meditation
• Get up before 7 - I woke up at like 9 agaaaain oh dear
• 1.5 hours+ of being off my ass doing something that adds to life experience/growth, outside of normal commitments
• Work on life purpose - didn't intentionally work on it

Comments:
Don't rush life so much and these things won't be such a drag. Don't get stuck up on shit that doesn't matter or isn't even reality.

 

"Take out the trash"

[Venus]

Be mindful! Don't let life be a drag!!

[Venus]

End of day entry

 

Daily habits

• 20 min meditation
• Get up before 7 - just keep hitting that snooze. It's just like I know no different
• 1.5 hours+ of being off my ass doing something that adds to life experience/growth, outside of normal commitments
• Work on life purpose 

 

Life purpose (+relationships)

I've been feeling pretty unmotivated lately and felt like each task is just such a necessity at times. And when focus on life purpose; when I focus on making my days and actions for something much bigger, that's when everything changes. But at the moment, the only picture I can give myself is this really undefined picture of "for a good life". I don't actually know what I'm going for, but I see the strength of the reason to figure it out. And that's what I need to put more time into; I need to reel up enough motivation for that.

So today has felt like a drag. Activities have been tiresome and taken much more effort than they needed to. But I feel like I'm right on the edge of this energy source. I feel this buzzing energy, and I'm ready to crack into it; my me is just waiting for a little push and it will just orgasm and cum everywhere with motivation and energy for life. But I need to give it that push. It's just so ready. It almost reminds me of when I see an innocent radiant girl excited in her love for a guy, but it's in the background and he's doing nothing about a relationship between them; they're just friends; and she's not expecting him to make a move, but if he did, in the right circumstances, she'd jump to him in an instant, unleashing such a magical and ready deep love, creating something truly wonderful between them both… but the guy has to be make sure he's ready for that commitment. He needs to be sure he could hold his side of this wonder, adding equal contribution. Maybe he just worries that he won't be able to do that, and that's what hold him back from making that first move and going for that beautiful thing; fear is dragging him down… unless he knows how to make sure he's ready for the relationship, but he's too lazy for the work; mind, if there was motivation from it then that should demolish that laziness in theory.

But I think that guy realises what he needs to do; stop staying comfortable; get up and put in the effort instead of sitting on his ass because comfort is comfortable. Picture the beauty of that relationship, the beauty of that lifestyle, the depth and awe inspiring love that could be being swam in. It's all up  to him.

 

 

Spirituality

That place of worry-less, playfulness, carefree feeling; when nothing really matters; you realise life isn't so "MUST! MUST! MUST!", but instead has no rules; you are free. That, I feel, is very near the state you get when living with purpose, or at least those two are very important to have alongside each other. Just need to make sure we find an efficient way of staying in that state of mind; staying in that place. Because when you are there, everything perks up, suddenly everything is just super funny and interesting and all that tension just fades into this loose feeling; so much freedom; the activities of life become 'a mirage of necessity'. And that's really where we should all be living from if we want internal peace. At least it's a starting point.

 

6:45 alarm is on and I WILL get up, no snooze!

 

[Venus]

End of day entry

 

Daily habits

• 20 min meditation - about to do it
• Get up before 7
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening - (not quite 1.5 hours)
• Intentionally work on life purpose 

Comments: 
I'm pretty sure I've developed within my self image, a super strong image that "I don't get up early. I can't get up at the alarm". So that's what I'm up against really. 

 

Emotions - depression

When you feel like shit, you still know how worthwhile it is to do the things you know will lift you up. The depression you're feeling will tell you it's not worth it. And that's the bit you need to overcome. Just get up and do those things. Your head will try to convince you that you shouldn't do those things because it will feel even worse. But you know that's not true; or at least that little voice in the back of you head does, and it's telling you. You know it's there too, but it's up  to you which voice you choose to listen to.

 

To do tomorrow:

• set alarm for 6:50
• don't beat myself up if I hit the snooze button till 8

 

[Venus]

Extra entry - self image - laziness

 

I've known it for a long time, but I realise I've not properly admitted it until recently, that I assume my laziness wayyy too much. 
I don't even try to, but i feel it there in the back of my head: the "knowledge" that I'm just lazy and unorganised. 
I see it all the time and I give into it as a truth. I go along with it, although I know really, that it's just imagination.
And I'm missing out on so much because of it; everything I do is rushed because it's last minute; this and my end of day entry were last minute; school work is last minute; leaving for school is last minute; my daily meditation is last minute. 

Just imagine if I didn't have to rush all these things... 

Rushed creativity is mediocre creativity.

 

The beauty and relaxation of my life could be increased ten fold simply by removing this lazy "do it last minute" trait. I notice a lot of stress in my life; well this is a massive contributor.

You know what to do.

[dude]

For getting out of bed this shit is gold! http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/04/how-to-get-up-right-away-when-your-alarm-goes-off/

But remember to make it a habit and do it every time for a month. I failed to do this. I'm getting back on this shit again.

[Venus]

19 hours ago, dude said:

For getting out of bed this shit is gold! http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/04/how-to-get-up-right-away-when-your-alarm-goes-off/

Wow, this shit is superb. Gonna be really helpful. Thanks

Edited November 7, 2016 by Venus

[Venus]

I enter when I want entry - Life purpose/goal setting and personal development

 

Categories for development:

• happiness/peace
• relationships
• sex
• money
• health
• education/knowledge/understanding (school included)
• general emotions (possibly falls into happiness/peace)
• general habits

 

My 1 year goals for each category:

• happiness/peace: 
  - be on a 60 min a day meditation habit
  - be a fully emotionally independent person
  - think less - be the majority of the time living in present moment, not my head
  - be living from a deep place of love, the majority of the time
  - so in turn be super playful and fun, the majority of the time
  - have 10/10 self esteem
  - remove any of that social anxiety that you might just have a tiny bit of
  - be fully okay with being myself in public (as much as possible anyway)
  - do something big for community (e.g. get school to recycle more!!)
• relationships:
  - be capable of maintaining a fully healthy relationship with no neediness or dependencies.
  - Potentially be or have been in one of these relationships. 
  - have some clear very close friends; but friends I've befriended through authenticity, not friends that I feel I have to act a certain way or restrict myself when around them
• sex:
  - lots more sex with people I haven't done it with before; get out there; try new stuff. Let's say 7 more people at least 
  - make a girl squirt
  - try all that freaky stuff that I've always wanted to try
  - maybe try banging another guy… check my sexuality
• money:
  - be fully financially independent
  - own a business
  - be working towards making money from something to do with life purpose (which means get a clearer view of life purpose)
• health: 
  - have a virtually no sugar diet
  - be able to run a marathon without too much struggle
  - be properly working out a good 3 or 4 times a week
  - always (maybe almost always) be having properly healthy, balanced meals 
• education/knowledge/understanding (school included):
  • School:
    - be A* grade student on top of all my school work
    - be top of school year in performance
    - moved up a grade in violin (or have began another instrument and be pretty swanky at that)
    - learn a whole new subject outside of school (e.g history (I'm not doing history in school because it's boring, but recently I've started to see a little bit its magic))
  • General:
    - be able to survive out in the country by myself without supplies (at least in terms of eating)
    - have learnt a fair odd bit about all of the categories on this list (fair odd bit = idk)
    - learn to properly skate (not that bullshit where you can manage standing up on the board and just about cope a moderately sized slope)
• general emotions (possibly falls into happiness/peace)
  - be able to confidently talk in front of a large group
  - be able to confidently joke in front of a large group 
  - be able to listen to people (dad) talk in a convo and not cringe inside at everything they say 
  - be able to have a convo with someone and respond to what they're saying, listening fully to them instead of being taken over by fear and worrying about how to reply or what to reply blah blah blah 
  -…so have practiced lots of convos with scary, intimidating people
• general habits
  - be getting out of bed before 6am every morning and being using my mornings really productively (e.g. getting fit; mastering school)
  - be more productive in general (be less lazy basically)
  - remove critical habit
  - ...find and remove the majority of the negative habits (or be working really well on them at least)
  - get back into making more art because that's just great for everyone (except when you make shit art)
  - (not really a habit but eh) improve loads of really useful mental skills:
  • communication
  • memory
  • (self) hypnosis/nlp
  • speedy calculation
  • mindfulness

- be cooking decent well made meals everyday/ every other day, instead of canned food and cereal like the ewwy mess you are cummon dood
- not set too many goals for myself all the time, smh 

 

 

This is unfinished and I will edit to add more… when I think of more. 

Feel free to comment anything that you think is a worthy goal.

Edited November 7, 2016 by Venus

[Venus]

End of day entry

 

Green = complete
Red = haven't done
Purple = topic

 

 

Daily habits

• 20 min meditation 
• Get up before 7
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening - yeah, I allowed myself to do nothing and chill
• Intentionally work on life purpose 

 

 

Consciousness and fear (aka worry)
Over the last couple of days I've really noticed a clear difference between the two different places of living from; inside or outside of your head.
Really, when your head speaks - when those words that require attention inside you start talking, not your intuition, but your thoughts; when they speak, all it pretty much is, is just pure fear trying to control you.
But when you let go of that, everything changes; changes to greatness.
However, you're too scared to let go, and that's exactly the trick - your fear shows you reasons to fear letting go of fear. So when you tell a fearful person to let go of their fear, they will laugh at you and call you stupid. But when you let do go, it's like suddenly opening your eyes because you've been being controlled by fear so much that you just spent all your time staring at your fear instead of staring at reality. But now you've taken control from fear, you've got it for yourself - fear won't control you; you will.

Letting go of fear is that action of opening your eyes and just watching. It's the alternative to going around in circles in your head with thoughts of "what if" or "but this could happen and I might lose this and then I don't know what will happen after that".
Don't let it grasp you. You're bigger than it, but you can't see that when you're looking from within. You need to take that leap and have faith that things won't go to shit.
Ask yourself "what's the worst that could happen?" or "but what's wrong if that DOES actually happen?" and watch for all the crap your head will come up with to make you cower and to keep you under it's control.

Fear will help you survive, but it will burn your soul. 

Watch, don't worry.

[Venus]

End of day entry

 

Green = complete
Red = haven't done
Purple = topic

 

 

Daily habits

• 20 min meditation 
• Get up before 7
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening - yeah, I allowed myself to do nothing and chill
• Intentionally work on life purpose 

 

 

 

Struggling to not get absorbed by that fear. The first step takes effort and faith, which is why it's probably the hardest step.

[Venus]

End of day entry (self acceptance)

 

Daily habits

• Meditation 
• Get up on first alarm - FIRST TIME IN MONTHS!! - creds to @dude for the showing me a great technique. Thanks bro
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening
• Intentionally work on life purpose 

Comments: My mind has just been elsewhere lately… tbh most of the time, which pulls me away from thinking about life purpose and the beauty of life.

...

All of today I just felt super bummed and depressed, like super super, and I don't know why. I feel like it may have been since the other day I had such a deep insight with consciousness then the next day I pushed so hard to make sure I stayed in that same, that I actually pushed myself away. From there it just became me constantly telling myself off for not being there. 
The problem is that this self criticism is disguised because you're too busy focusing on the task. And that's why I'm not actually sure if this is even why I feel so shit, but that's what it feels like it is; it's a problem with self acceptance really. And it makes sense for it to be that because that's what has seemed to be bringing me down for ages.
So time to love myself more. Let's go  

[dude]

Fuck yhea!

[Venus]

Yesterday

 

Daily habits

• Meditation 
• Get up on first alarm - don't turn off alarm, hit snooze in case I "rest my eyes for a second"
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening
• Intentionally work on life purpose 

Comments: To be fair, those last two habits are a bit vague so it's difficult to say if I've done them.

 

Had a massive insight the other day about playfulness and self image and reality and happiness. I'll share about it later because I don't have much time now

 

"Not enough time"
One big obvious problem is I keep fitting all my tasks exactly into the allotted time for them. The problem with this is that I have no extra time, so if something turns up or I slow down a little, then I finish late.
The main places this happens is when I'm getting ready for school and when I'm getting ready for bed.
It just so happens that I am only just ready to go to school at exactly the same time every day, even if I wake up earlier. This often results it me getting to school a couple minutes late.
And when I want to go to bed, suddenly I have no time to do those few things I wanted to do because now it's the time I want to go to bed. That's the main reason I don't enter on here ever night: I just haven't made enough time. And that's why I'm writing yesterday's entry today, in my lunch break.

So that's a habit to remove

(also, the colours on this computer are messed up so I don't know if I put the right ones lol)

[Venus]

End of day entereeeeeeee

Green = complete
Red = haven't done
Blue = to focus on/to do
Orange = n/a
Purple = topic
 

Daily habits

• Meditation - about 20 mins to Leo's guided one… I didn't feel like I got much out of it though, although that may have been because I kept dropping off 
• Get up on first alarm - sundaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening - 
  • went to church (and I'm not even christian )
  • read part of book (that's a big deal for me; I don't often read and I really keep meaning to get better at it)
  • about to do 15 min visualisation activity
• Intentionally work on life purpose -
  • …that book was about visualisations, which is the starting point to making things happen in your life (book = Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz - very very good if you apply the stuff)

Comments: I still need to make sure I'm keeping that "get up on first alarm" habit up by practicing and putting in time every day to the technique. 

 

 

That "Not enough time" thing I wrote about in my last entry is still super relevant and I was definitely noticing it today. 
But one habit at a time.  (wake up on time habit atm)

 

 

Relationships - Depression? Neediness?... An ex anyway
I have an ex that I'm close friends with and I still super like her, but don't really want to because it's not helpful (you might see why if you read on).
Anyway, after every time I see her and I don't feel like I've made a really good impression on her (e.g. constantly made her laugh and happy with me) then I go away and feel really miserable for the rest of the day, hating myself. That's what happened today. And we're just meant to be normal friends. To her that's all we are.
I tell myself I'm not chasing her anymore but the reality is that I absolutely hate the idea of not chasing her and letting her get with someone else. So deep down (not that deep), yeah I am still chasing her, because it's really painful to let her go. She's the most beautiful, pure thing and I have to eventually be okay with her being someone else's and that crushes me.

 

 

Tomorrow,  I plan to gather and make a summary of all the main things that I can see I personally struggle with and need to work on with my self actualisation; looking through my this journal and what I've written about over that last few weeks. 

See you tomorrow