Well Shit, Let's Get Actualised

[Venus]

Hello again… end of day entry 

 

Good job on getting that tomorrow thing done…………                   (I didn't do it.)

 

Daily habits

• Meditation - about to
• Get up on first alarm - well shit, practice more
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening 
  • went to road safety show thing
  • had her round and chilled and relaxed
  • relaxed and had fun sing and dancing to music in my room; it's good to have fun
• Intentionally work on life purpose 
  • got ideas going for band

Comments: Relaxing is great and fab and all but that shouldn't be an alternative to school work because I'm slowly falling behind in the habits I wanted to create for school work, so I'm going to slowly (quickly) move into creating a good, super strong work ethic as I move away from creating my "get up early" habit as I start getting better. 

 

Life purpose + peace
So I'm suddenly in a band and I've loved that idea for ages but never pursued it. 
Now I'm suddenly part of making something bigger than me, that I'm really passionate about, happen and it's so amazing. All the shit that was stirred up inside my head making me feel like shit has just melted away.
My head's not stuck on focusing on my fears, but it's focussed on the band.
It's almost as if when there's nothing to point your own life energy towards then the energy just turns inwards and is too much so starts burning itself up and we end up with all this fear and sadness that we can all relate to.

I thought I had the right idea about life purpose, but really, if it's not clearly giving you endless energy that keeps you perky and alive, then you're not doing life purpose right  
Life purpose can be about long term stuff but also i think that there's definitely a factor of seeing short term things so you know it's a reality not just a dream. That does not by any means mean don't dream big… do dream big; dream MASSIVE!! It'll be worth it when you make it.

I'm really happy. Seriously; I felt so lost over the last few months and even those times when I wasn't feeling super down and I felt great, I still had this worry in the back of my head that it wouldn't last. Well that's not there anymore. This is so pure peace. There's no worry really. All my head is thinking of is forward.
Life feels so much more free now I'm not so trapped in my own fear <3 

 

Procrastination
This is really killing me. I'm so glad I've really struck into any depression or fear I've been feeling lately, and of course that really helps with the guilt of not doing what I need to do, but still, it's not stopping my laziness!
Thankfully I'm not getting super mad at myself like I may have done in the past, but there's so much stuff I keep falling behind and finishing late because I'm just not doing it at the right time. Like wtf. Cummon me, you want this as much as I do. What you playing at?
It's the reason I'm here at midnight adding my journal entry; I left it and my school work till last minute and now I can't get to bed at the time I wanted to (45 minutes ago) so I'm off for a meditation and sleep. 

 

N'night

[Venus]

Adding extra day habit!

 

Daily habits

• Meditation
• Get up on first alarm 
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening 
• Intentionally work on life purpose 
• (+NEW ) practice self love for 10 mins

(…I don't know what an ideal amount of daily habits to have is so maybe I'm pushing it now with five  )

[Venus]

Self love practice

 

You already know the idea of sitting down and telling yourself all the "I love and accept you exactly as you are" daisy do stuff. But of course there's then the problem of "but I know it's fake when I say it so I don't actually feel loved". 

Well here's the shit babe. It doesn't matter what the words you say actually are. Who gives a fuck? It's what you mean, you know that. So it may take you 5 minutes of shouting at yourself in the mirror that you care so much about yourself. It may take the realisation that the reason you've gone to such an extent with all this self acceptance/love stuff is because you do care about and love yourself so much. You just need you to realise that you care about you. Take minutes to sit back and think of things you're proud of about yourself. And don't beat yourself up about those things you aren't proud about. Talk to yourself about them. Understand the reasons. After all, there must of been a reason for you to do everything you've ever done and the only person who's gonna know why you did it is you, so let you have your say, without threat of disapproval.

You are you and the reason you try to make yourself happy is because you care about and love yourself already. Focus on that, realise it and make yourself actually hear your love, see that you care, and it won't be long till you'll be your own Tyler Durden to your…well, Tyler Durden (but before he went all crazy blowing up the city and shit).

Helpful video (slightly source of^): 

 

I love you babe.

[Venus]

End o day entry 

 

Daily habits

• Meditation - 11 mins
• Get up on first alarm - fuck no! I didn't
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening - helped maths class of year 8s
• Intentionally work on life purpose - went and found a book (not really anything special, but well done for doing something t least you special pup)
• practice self love for 10 mins - oops, first day and all

Comments: waking up on time is really the main thing to be able to make the rest of these habits do able since that free time in the morning is the golden time.

 

Today I really felt that love for myself. It was great. Nothing was depressing. Me and me were very playful and happy just as I would like. 
I'm definitely on the right track here  …I'm also very tired so goodnight.

[Venus]

"Oh there he is" entry (procrastination)

I've not posted all week because I'm a poo. This is how it goes...

I've been doing that thing all week where, by accident, I get to bed at the very latest I feel I can to still get the right amount of hours sleep, but as a result I don't have enough time to do the things I'd like to do whilst in bed just before I go to sleep (meditate, ADD TO MY JOURNAL, read and practice my wake up early habit) so I only really fit in one of them before feeling a little stressed and bad about myself and saying I'll do the rest extra well tomorrow. Yeah that never happens. 
So I do manage to fit in practice for waking up early; I help my early wake up habit. So in fairness I am building one habit which is good, and actually the advised way of building habits; one at a time. And I must admit that it's going very well. I've gotten up within ten minute of my alarm going off every day this week (I think) meaning I've had averagely an extra half an hour in the morning each day, which is fabo! Well done me. But still, AGAIN, I fit all the stuff I know I need to do before I leave for school, I fit all that into the time I have and just manage to have it all done by the latest time I am safe to leave and still get to school on time; I don't manage to do the things I want to do though. It's just like the bed time stuff.
I mobilise to fit in the stuff I need to do into exactly the amount of time I have - if I need to shower, get dressed and pack my school bag and I have only 20 minutes then I'll do it all in exactly 20 minutes and leave at exactly half past (which is the very latest I should leave) - and if I have 40 minutes or even an hour, then it takes me that long, for some reason, to do exactly the same things and I STILL leave at exactly half past in a rush. WTFFFFFFFFF?!?!?!

So, of course, this is the next habit to change: the habit of wasting time.

But as a summary of how my daily habits went over the week, it averages out a bit like this:

Dark green = almost completed, but not perfect

Daily habits (over the week)

• Meditation - basically none, I did do a little but my habit's gone downhill this week
• Get up on first alarm - get up very close to first alarm, yes sir!
• 1.5 hours+ of doing something awakening - band mostly 
• Intentionally work on life purpose - did spend a fair bit of time visualising how I plan my life to be, but that was mostly only yesterday (Saturday at work)
• practice self love for 10 mins - I didn't practice set times but I have been practicing it through out the day and I've actually been quite bipolar with it; I've been hitting both ends of the spectrum, being super in love with myself at times, having the time of my life, and then also feeling like I'm at rock bottom and fully hating on myself, feeling miserable as poop. But it's a practice  

 

I think it actually is best to be only focusing on a small amount of habits, so I'm going to change it a tad...

3 Daily habits

• Meditation 
• Get up on first alarm 
• Something life enriching

Upcoming habits to build

• Life purpose visualising    *(sit down for set time practice)
• Self love practice    *(sit down for set time practice)
• Anti-procrastination practice    *(sit down for set time practice)

 

Edited December 4, 2016 by Venus

[Venus]

1 year goal tracker - life propose

I'm going to regularly check how well I'm doing with my one year goals list to make sure I'm actually getting somewhere.
I'll check about twice a month.

Beginning of year = 7th November

Green = I'm there
Teal = I've started on it (Bold = I've actively worked on it since last tracker)
Red = Not started working on it yet

* ("date") = added since beginning of year

 

Categories for development:

• happiness/peace
• relationships
• sex
• money
• health
• education/knowledge/understanding (school included)
• general emotions (possibly falls into happiness/peace)
• general habits

 

My 1 year goals for each category:

• happiness/peace: 
  • - be on a 60 min a day meditation habit 
    • meditation habit of 15 minutes a day, most days, just before bed - 4/12/16
  • - be a fully emotionally independent person
    • have been really working on self love, but still find myself calling to others for love and approval often. Not always 4/12/16
  • - think less - be the majority of the time living in present moment, not my head
    • along side the self love practice Ive been practicing this as you can't really think your way into being someone who loves themselves, you have to BE that person, stop being inside your head because that's not real then - 4/12/16
  • - be living from a deep place of love, the majority of the time
  • - so in turn be super playful and fun, the majority of the time
    • this comes as a result of self love and is wonderful. It's not all the time though, but I think it won't take much for it to be most of the time - 4/12/16
  • - have 10/10 self esteem
    • self love = self acceptance, and that's a key part of self esteem (I've been working on self love if you didn't get the message^^) - 4/12/16
  • - remove any of that social anxiety that you might just have a tiny bit of
  • - be fully okay with being myself in public (as much as possible anyway)
  • - do something big for community (e.g. get school to recycle more!!)
    • have been helping younger students at school with biology and maths - 4/12/16
• relationships:
  • - be capable of maintaining a fully healthy relationship with no neediness or dependencies.
    • working on self love - 4/12/16
  • - Potentially be or have been in one of these relationships. 
  • - have some clear very close friends; but friends I've befriended through authenticity, not friends that I feel I have to act a certain way or restrict myself when around them
    • started getting closer with newish friends when I joined the band - 4/12/16
• sex:
  • - lots more sex with people I haven't done it with before; get out there; try new stuff. Let's say 7 more people at least 
  • - make a girl squirt
  • - try all that freaky stuff that I've always wanted to try
  • - maybe try banging another guy… check my sexuality
• money:
  - be fully financially independent
  - own a business
  - be working towards making money from something to do with life purpose (which means get a clearer view of life purpose)
• health: 
  • - have a virtually no sugar diet
    • only really eat stuff with sugar when it's presented to me. Still a few things I choose though. I don't actually pay that much attention to how much sugar is in what I usually eat - 4/12/16
  • - be able to run a marathon without too much struggle
  • - be properly working out a good 3 or 4 times a week
  • - always (maybe almost always) be having properly healthy, balanced meals 
    • been buying lots of healthy proper food instead of just cereal, muffins and tinned spaghetti - 4/12/16
• education/knowledge/understanding (school included):
  • School:
    • - be A* grade student on top of all my school work
    • - be top of school year in performance
    • - moved up a grade in violin (or have began another instrument and be pretty swanky at that)
      • well, I'm in a band, singing, so it's music ... - 4/12/16
    • - learn a whole new subject outside of school (e.g history (I'm not doing history in school because it's boring, but recently I've started to see a little bit its magic))
    • * (4/12/16) - Learn French
  • General:
    • - be able to survive out in the country by myself without supplies (at least in terms of eating)
    • - have learnt a fair odd bit about all of the categories on this list (fair odd bit = idk)
    • - learn to properly skate (not that bullshit where you can manage standing up on the board and just about cope a moderately sized slope)
• general emotions (possibly falls into happiness/peace)
  • - be able to confidently talk in front of a large group
    • been trying to go to a Toastmasters, just haven't been able to yet - 4/12/16
  • - be able to confidently joke in front of a large group 
  • - be able to listen to people (dad) talk in a convo and not cringe inside at everything they say 
  • - be able to have a convo with someone and respond to what they're saying, listening fully to them instead of being taken over by fear and worrying about how to reply or what to reply blah blah blah 
  • -…so have practiced lots of convos with scary, intimidating people
• general habits
  • - be getting out of bed before 6am every morning and being using my mornings really productively (e.g. getting fit; mastering school)
    • in the process of building habit of getting up on my first alarm. Currently am getting up within ten minutes of it, on average - 4/12/16
  • - be more productive in general (be less lazy basically)
  • - remove critical habit
  • - ...find and remove the majority of the negative habits (or be working really well on them at least)
  • - get back into making more art because that's just great for everyone (except when you make shit art)
  • - (not really a habit but eh) improve loads of really useful mental skills:
    • communication
    • memory
    • (self) hypnosis/nlp
    • speedy calculation
    • mindfulness
  • - be cooking decent well made meals everyday/ every other day, instead of canned food and cereal like the ewwy mess you are cummon dood
    • learnt how to make spag bol from scratch yesterday. Also have been making proper fruity yoghurt breakfasts - 4/12/16
  • - not set too many goals for myself all the time, smh 
    • shortened my daily habits to just 3 - 4/12/16

 

 

Feel free to comment anything that you think is a worthy goal.

[Venus]

End of the day entereeee

 

3 Daily habits

• Meditation - about to
• Get up on first alarm 
• Something life enriching - went to seminar on feeding the planet

 

 

Self actualisation and loneliness

I feel like I'm just so ready to explode with wonder and make beautiful things happen; I have so much freedom in front of me and so much opportunity and I can feel my head is so motivated and inspired and excited to step forward and make it all happen. I know that I know how to make an incredible life.

There's just one hold back…

It's that feeling of loneliness and lack of belongingness.

It's easy to see that a big problem for me is lack of self acceptance or self love and this feeling of worthiness, but I have to be fair to myself: I'm coming from a place where I'm making my only source of love be myself.
Now, I don't give a fuck how much so it is ideal that I am the only source of love I need; you most probably will never get there without have feeling loved from an external place first. 

...What I mean is, yes, it is indeed ideal to not need acceptance from others or the outside world; to be emotionally independent.
hOwEvEr…
To be able to grow yourself to that capability, you most definitely first will need the love of others to keep you secure and off the floor until then, otherwise you're jumping straight in the deep end with no one there to hold you up when you start to choke, and trust me; loneliness and lack of feeling of belongingness will choke you to death, or at least make you wish were dead instead. And unfortunately some people do go that far as to make that happen and I can only feel great empathy for them.

But this feeling of loneliness and lack of self love I will admit is what I feel often, and although I am working on it, I think first I definitely need to find myself a close friend to share these interests with because I have such strong passions about where I want to take my life and I don't know anyone who feels at all the slightest bit the same way. I have no friends who like the same stuff as me. It's just me making best friends with myself all alone in my bedroom and I'm starting to realise that it's actually not so bad to desire a bit of love from someone else instead of denying it like I've been doing.

I feel like this whole loneliness/lack of feeling of belongingness, is the big thing that is the barrier to me opening up into that big heavy dam that's holding back my readiness to self actualise. It's like as soon as I fill that little hole, everything will start to flow smoothly; everything will be clear and relaxed and no longer tight and painful and fuzzy a big fucking mess of confusion and depression. 
I've seen this from the frequent times where actually I do feel great about myself and there is a shift in my self acceptance; something changes inside and I'm suddenly okay with myself, then everything does start flowing smoothly.
…tbf, I'm unsure of cause and effect here, but it's definitely a clear display that I'm on the right track  

 

I get all this^ from the fact that I just sat down and spoke to my dad for about half an hour, simply briefly, about my life plans, and after doing simply that it was like a massive tightness in my chest that has been there for days just relieved a bunch. I expressed myself to someone else. It wasn't just me telling my ideas to myself in my bedroom. 
Simply having someone to talk to can be so therapeutic. So never deny yourself it.

Love = priority no.1

[Preango]

On 04/12/2016 at 2:44 PM, Venus said:

maybe try banging another guy… check my sexuality

I'm here for you bud.

[Preango]

23 hours ago, Venus said:

But this feeling of loneliness and lack of self love I will admit is what I feel often, and although I am working on it, I think first I definitely need to find myself a close friend to share these interests with because I have such strong passions about where I want to take my life and I don't know anyone who feels at all the slightest bit the same way. I have no friends who like the same stuff as me. It's just me making best friends with myself all alone in my bedroom and I'm starting to realise that it's actually not so bad to desire a bit of love from someone else instead of denying it like I've been doing.

I can't tell you how close to detail this is to myself. I know how you feel! You're not alone

[Venus]

On 9 December 2016 at 11:01 PM, Preango said:

I'm here for you bud.

I lolled so hard.
… maybe though  

 

On 9 December 2016 at 11:54 PM, Preango said:

I can't tell you how close to detail this is to myself. I know how you feel! You're not alone

Another person who sits in their bedroom alone laughing at their own jokes! Life is brilliaaaaannt!!
I guess neither of us are alone

[Venus]

Ah ha entry - focus; education

Although kind of obvious, I've just realised that it's not just my daily habit goals should be focusing on one at a time, but also my big overall goals.
So from now on I will have a number 1 goal and then a smaller less important number 2 goal and then maybe a 3 as well but be prioritising no.1. I think this will help me to get off my butt and stop being lazy and procrastinating as I'll know more specifically what needs to be done instead of not really knowing which goal I could be working on so doing none. 

Anywho, goals:

1. Acing my education and getting top of the top grades in everything at the end of these two year
2. Making this band something spesh.

65% of time is school
35% band

Edited December 11, 2016 by Venus

[Venus]

End of the day entry

 

3 Daily habits

• Meditation - about to
• Get up on first alarm 
• Something life enriching - mentored year 8 maths

 

Stress, inferiority, education and feeling inept
Felt great today until I walked into maths and my results from a hw showed me that I didn't understand the topic as well as I thought. That made me feel not good enough and inferior, which of course in turn led to a whole spiral of negative thought through the rest of the day. Thankfully no where near as bad as before where I've had no clue why I feel so bad or what to do; mindfulness is key. I suppose there's a lot of stress in there too because I realise I've got loads of work to do now to keep/catch up and make sure I'm okay with the work. And thankfully thankfully I know some stress tackling techniques, so there's hope, and the thought of that is already making me feel better  

- if you're ever feeling bad inside, figure out what's causing that bad feeling and then show yourself that there is hope for fixing that problem. Immediate relief of some stress

[Venus]

Theory vs. action for personal development ("theory" meaning time learning and thinking about how to succeed) - time spent:

Currently:
Theory = 85% of time
Action = 15% of time

Ideal:
Theory = 30%
Action = 70%

[Venus]

Happy new gosh darn year

 

Rise and shine. Let's get this shit show back on the road!

Lots of stuff has been going on in my jammy life and tbh I'm not sure how I feel or the true position of my emotional state at the moment, but hey ho, as long as I'm conscious, things shouldn't go to shits ☺?

I'm just confused at what's the right thing to do I suppose. I think I don't trust myself to stay happy if I became truly happy - I feel like I expect myself to find a way to feel miserable. Which obviously explains why each time I feel like I've made it to a place where I know how to be happy, I "somehow" manage to find a way to convince myself that actually "there is no hope", or "I'm destined for sadness". 

I know it's all in my head and I just need to get out of that habit of telling myself I'm not worthy of happiness, obvs, duh.

...idk if it's just a matter of fixing a habit; will that fix deep emotional problems by changing a negative habit? Who knows.

Goodnight me x

 

 

Edited January 26, 2017 by Venus

[Venus]

A different perspective for self acceptance

 

A lot of the time we spend lots of time looking inwards, looking for our flaws so we can correct them. 
One potential problem in this is that we can focus too much on the fact we are flawed, looking inside and saying,

"Look, I am flawed. I accept I am flawed, and I can quite clearly see my flaws". 

We can say this every day thinking we are practicing self acceptance, acknowledging our flaws, yet we may still, at least slightly, feel terrible and worthless.
So we say to ourselves:

"Why do I feel this sense of inner dislike towards myself. I'm practicing self-acceptance all the time, I will happily point out my flaws. Look, these are my flaws: [states flaws, e.g. porn addict]. Why do I still feel a major battle inside myself? I guess I'll just have to keep looking inwards."

This might not happen with everyone, but by looking inside to be conscious of our flaws, we can accidentally begin to turn them into affirmations, everyday telling ourselves "I fear public situations", "I'm an addict", "I criticise all the time", building an efficient self image of that 'flaw'. We build a habit of thinking of ourselves like this, labelling ourselves with these things. So at the same time as trying to slowly rid yourself of this trait you're actually also building it into you, telling yourself it's who you are, creating conflict with the part that's trying to get rid of it. 
It also doesn't help (this is probably the main cause of the conflict feeling) that you are just focusing on the bad things. Yeah you might be practicing self acceptance, but there's a difference between saying "yes I have this trait, I love it no matter what because it's me, even if I want to change it" and "yes I have this trait, it's part of me, I don't like it, but it's part of me so I accept it".

If we're always calling ourselves flawed, even with good intention, then we begin to feel inferior, weak and worthless. This happens when we don't practice self acceptance properly.

I can think of two ways to solve this:

1. Just like most things, consciousness to yourself will help. By being conscious that "in this moment I feel this way (the flaw) and I accept and love it fully. That is how I feel now but it does not at all mean it is who I am as a person or how I will feel tomorrow", instead of "I feel this way now and I remember I did yesterday, so it must just be who I am".
2. This is the main point I came here to make: The action of effectively just stop trying internal work for a bit. Stop looking inside so much. Just say to yourself "I am good enough right now and I do not need to change me" and let that be it for a couple of days. This stops the idea that you are always looking inside (with good intention) saying "here's a flaw, I need to change it", because by always trying to change yourself you actually begin to start forgetting to accept yourself. So those days and weeks where you feel really bad like you're not good enough is the time to stop and tell yourself that "actually, I'm not going to bother trying to change me right now. I'll take me just as I am, that's good enough".
   It may take a few minutes of really telling yourself it just to get yourself out of the previous mindset, but there should be instant relief and you begin to feel this sudden joyful connection with yourself where spontaneity and playfulness just start to show up and emerge because you're not trying to surpress any part of you, you're letting it all be exactly what it is. When you do that, you let all the colours shine, and the colours have so much beauty to shine all the time. We just distract ourselves from them way too often.

 

(This is half a rant/notes about myself and how my self acceptance is going for me at the moment, so might actually not be relevant to anyone else… or it might be totally relevant and helpful to loads. Heck, who knows. Hopefully it's the latter).

 

I'm hoping to add more frequently again. Get those working habits going. 

[Venus]

"It will continue to exist if you continue to talk about it." - Dad 2k17

Edited February 24, 2017 by Venus

[Venus]

Fear

 

Go play a game of paintball and see just how scared everyone is to just run out and go forward with the shit they want to do: "I could run to that defense... But I might get shot... So never mind", "I could leg it and plaster all those people even whilst getting shot.... But I might get told off for blind firing or something...so never mind". Most people just hide away at the back.

We get so scared of stuff that is no where near as bad as we most likely tell ourselves, as well as it probably being very unlikely to happen aNyway.

I reckon the average person does, at most, only about 10% of the things they actually really want to do, retreating back to their comfy hole, giving up that 90% because of fear. And what lies in that 90%? Real fucking living, that's what! You only really begin to live a full life when you begin to excite yourself and do those things that dO scare you. Being scared is fine. It's great. It's just when you let it take over you, hold you back and stop you from living a real life that it becomes a problem.

I think the thing most commonly feared is what other people think of you, to whatever extent. But the thing is, if most people are all worried with a lot of focus on "what will other people think...? What if I look bad?", they're too busy to truly judge you. And who gives a fuck anyway. When there is  judgment, it tends to be their fear judging your transcendence through fear, so it's nothing significant. Do you really want to value an opinion that comes from fear? No you do not is the right answer. (Other judging tends to come from a much nicer place with a softer tone.)

It makes me think of a speech Jim Carey did. He talks a bit about fear and it's very fantastic. It may have been where I first started thinking about fear to be fair.

V80-gPkpH6M

 

Avoiding your fears will help you survive, but it will not help you to live.

Edited February 25, 2017 by Venus

[Venus]

You're jealous only when you think about [it].

You're not good enough only when you think about it.

Everyone is thinking you're a freak only when you think about it.

Your life sucks only when you think about it.

You can't do it only when you think about it.

You're a failure only when you think about it.

Life is going nowhere only when you think about it.

 

Let go of your thoughts.

Edited February 26, 2017 by Venus

[Venus]

Current life purpose 

= 

Find life purpose

[Venus]

My life: "you'll never have great self esteem"

Me: "challenge accepted, bitch"