I am starting to become more conscious and it feels like I'm becoming a child

[fopylo]

As I say in the title, I am starting to feel more like a child, and I'm starting to get this "feel" for what it means to become more conscious. It's like my field of awareness of experience has become wider. But it's not as if I'm more serious and focused hardcore on everything, but more like, I am recognizing better what is already here, and it has a feeling of knowing. I am learning more about myself and have this feeling that I'm going in a certain direction, like to goodness or something, hard to explain... It's as if consciousness is a magical thing that its purpose is to pull you out and move you into goodness, but like the true goodness that is true for you and deep down you want it but never knew the actual way of getting it. So I am still on the very beginning of this journey, but the growth I'm starting to experience is keeping me going.
While practicing self acceptance and mindfulness, I feel that I'm slowly slowly breaking my ego, and it feels uncomfortably scary yet very excited and happy at the same time. It's as if I'm becoming a normal fricking human being. I used to think all of this was just some joke. I would really hesitate trying to describe my issue (which was feeling fragmented/not in touch with reality, and not integrated, which made it hard for me to feel and love) and now I'm getting a feeling of just being a few years younger. It's like, I see almost most of the world is capable of loving and being in touch with the present moment, and I just got to their level with a strong knowing. It also helped me realize that what I want to pursue is being authentic.

Anyways, as I'm starting to feel younger, some memories of being a child came up, and I am sure I remember that I was way more competitive as a child. Like I used to be very competitive, mindful and very curious about life (maybe that's why I'm so excited to come back to it). But then I am stuck with the paradox of how come I've been more competitive as a child then now? I mean, my ego as a child was less developed... Could it just have been a different level of an ego's development?

[Marcosuve]

That is very strange. Try to relax and maybe manifestation magic helps you. Manifestation Magic is a series of audio tracks that have brainwave entrainment frequencies. By listening to these tracks when you’re about to sleep, your brain will be more receptive to the hypnotic suggestions.

Edited April 28, 2021 by Marcosuve

[kag101]

Have you ever suffered from depression?

[universe]

Being competitive and having a big ego is not necessarily correlated.

[hyruga]

What's wrong with being a child?

[BipolarGrowth]

When the world is viewed as distinct parts, competition is the design. When the world is viewed as one whole, cooperation is the design. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by BipolarGrowth

[fopylo]

@kag101 Don't think so. I used to (and still to some degree) suffer from social anxiety. I might have had periods of light depression but I don't think it was very serious. It's kind of funny to think that being angry feels better than living in fear, and feeling lonely feels better than feeling envious. It was a huge shock for me

[fopylo]

@universe How? Then what is your drive for competition? To strengthen the ego and the image of yourself?

[universe]

5 hours ago, fopylo said:

@universe How? Then what is your drive for competition? To strengthen the ego and the image of yourself?

See it this way, imagine someone with the biggest ego. Would he even compete with others? Or would he think about himself as too seperate to even consider competing with others?

Competition can also be seen from a perspective of proving yourself to others.

Many kids have that competitive nature, I wouldn't think about it too much.

[Matt23]

I don't think competition is necessarily related to having a big ego or is a "bad" thing.  It can be toxic, and I can see how many really competitive people, like professional athletes, might have stronger egos, but I think many people just have a more competitive nature as almost a value or strength, which has a more positive flavor to it.

6 hours ago, fopylo said:

being angry feels better than living in fear

Nice.

[fopylo]

@universe @Matt23 Then what is an example of good competition? What is the inner state of being in that competitive state? I'll need an example

[universe]

Why not compete against your past self on who can be more conscious and loving? 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Matthew 18: Jesus said -

Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

[fopylo]

@universe umm.. because this means comparing myself and bringing up the past.. don't know

[seeking_brilliance]

5 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Matthew 18: Jesus said -

Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

You beat me to it ?

[andyjohnsonman]

On 27/04/2021 at 9:56 PM, fopylo said:

Anyways, as I'm starting to feel younger,

I can completely relate to this. I feel the same, like someone has just rekindled my playful youth side, less attached to positions and more light hearted.