Tendency of wanting to make yourself perfect before pursuing intimate relationships

[bazera]

I notice a tendency in myself that I have like a list of 20 items that I want to fix before I commit to any serious intimate relationship. The result of this is that I am 25 years old with 0 intimate relationship experience. So, I guess this is not the way to go. 

But still, even though I understand logically that I shouldn't do it, this tendency blocks my ability to try to involve in a relationship, because every time I consider doing that, my mind gives me my list of 20 items of what is not good enough in me and what I have to improve, and I always postpone the decision of starting a relationship.

Does any of you experience the same thing? Is this a low self-esteem issue?

How do you handle it?

[intotheblack]

throw away the list. a relationship is going to bring out your shadows more, so you may aswell get to work! the longer you stay isolated the more paranoid you wil become about these aparant imperfect things. 

bite the bullet and expose yourself to relationships.  it's the best way to learn.

 

[intotheblack]

btw, you are using this perfectionism (trying to make everything perfect in your mind) as a defense mechanism. 

it's a way to protect yourself from being wrong or feeling like a failure. when you are this judgememtal towards yourself, be careful, because if you do get into a relationship you will end up judging the other person like crazy.  so make sure to catch yourself.

[bazera]

@intotheblack Yeah, you are right. 

I think one thing that I and people who think like me don't understand is that most of us feel that way. I guess most people around me feel insufficient and partial. But that doesn't stop them from getting into relationships. But the sad part is that many of them expect to fill that thing that they're lacking with a relationship, and often they fail to do that. 

You are right about judging too. When I judge myself, that's when I tend to judge others as well, and I guess that becomes a problem in an intimate relationship. 

And why do you think that relationships are the best ways to learn?

[JonasVE12]

This comes from shame. Those patterns you indulge in are cover ups. You have to find truth within yourself. The perfectionism comes from identification to a false self. The false self hides your authenticity. When shame becomes toxic, this is what happens. You hold yourself back and hide your true authentic self. You are perfect as you are. You are whole and complete. You need to connect to the body, shut off the thinking mind and allow your energy to flow through you unobstructed. I'm going out this weekend to connect with strangers myself in order to learn to integrate truth into my body and whole being. Don't enter in a relationship without solving this problem. I made this mistake. Allow yourself to connect with people and accept yourself fully in the proces. If you notice tension holding you back. Inspect that. Relax into that. And allow yourself to just be. Do social freedom exercises until you can let your energy settle in your body. You will find out that you are perfect as you are and that people respond to your own internal energy. They will accept you, will like you, find harmony within the connection that you provide. You only have to find your presence and acceptance first. This is not something you do at home. Of course meditate, but the real meditation and integration happens in moments of tension. Here you need to learn to adapt your energy to this truth. Shame and perfectionism will go away naturally as your energy becomes more unobstructed. 

[Zion]

@JonasVE12 Very insightful, thank you

[Roy]

Here is all you need to know and focus on to get over this mentality; They will never be perfect either

[Raptorsin7]

On 4/26/2021 at 11:04 AM, JonasVE12 said:

This comes from shame. Those patterns you indulge in are cover ups. You have to find truth within yourself. The perfectionism comes from identification to a false self. The false self hides your authenticity. When shame becomes toxic, this is what happens. You hold yourself back and hide your true authentic self. You are perfect as you are. You are whole and complete. You need to connect to the body, shut off the thinking mind and allow your energy to flow through you unobstructed. I'm going out this weekend to connect with strangers myself in order to learn to integrate truth into my body and whole being. Don't enter in a relationship without solving this problem. I made this mistake. Allow yourself to connect with people and accept yourself fully in the proces. If you notice tension holding you back. Inspect that. Relax into that. And allow yourself to just be. Do social freedom exercises until you can let your energy settle in your body. You will find out that you are perfect as you are and that people respond to your own internal energy. They will accept you, will like you, find harmony within the connection that you provide. You only have to find your presence and acceptance first. This is not something you do at home. Of course meditate, but the real meditation and integration happens in moments of tension. Here you need to learn to adapt your energy to this truth. Shame and perfectionism will go away naturally as your energy becomes more unobstructed. 

Great post.

I have same problem OP, good luck

[bazera]

@Roy

On 5/5/2021 at 1:34 AM, Roy said:

They will never be perfect either

Yeah, this changes perspective. Thanks

[StarStruck]

Remove the obstacles that prevent you from connecting with other people. Attraction is effortless. Does the earth have any trouble attracting the moon?

[max duewel]

Psychiatrist Dr.K talks about this tendency with someone on his show and explores the underlying psychological mechanisms that keep the person stuck in this pattern. 

Hope this helps, Btw I also had this thinking about age 21. I am sure you will conquer it!