[HELP/SERIOUS] What is going on in semi-conscious states?

[Roy]

Looking for an understanding, explanation, and wisdom on a specific experience of mine. If you are able please provide a high quality answer, it would be appreciated. If you cannot please do not post, I do not want to get side-tracked by pure speculation. Thank you!

So over the past few years (maybe a few times a year) I'll have moments where I wake up either in the middle of the night, or in the morning and I'll be in what I would describe as a semi-conscious state. Not quite wide awake and "up", but I know I'm not sleeping and my eyes are open. 98% of the time this occurs it's unremarkable. I usually glance at the clock and go back to sleep, or I'll have to get up for my day.

However once in a while there will be an occurrence where I will wake up this half-sober semi-conscious state and feel what I can only describe as profound unconditional love. I feel it for myself, and for everything else. A "buzzing". All suffering ceases. Pure weightlessness. There is also a sense of having a frame of mind that I am invincible, and having a confidence I can do absolutely anything I want and all my dreams are attainable. All my usual worries and anxieties about life seem trivial and that everything is fine. There is an attitude of radical acceptance and that things will be settled. It's literally magic and the best thing I've ever felt in my entire life. Just to make you appreciate the magnitude > It makes the greatest orgasm I've ever experienced feel like just scratching a small itch.....................

 

Then either I fall back asleep, or I start to fully wake up and this state disappears. The confidence evaporates as all my shit floods back into my usual experience - my limiting beliefs, toxic thoughts about myself or others, my depression patterns, anything I'm stressed about. I go back to "reality" as the "story" comes back, like I'm an actor showing up to the studio to play a character.

Ironically these hazy half-asleep moments are the times I've felt the most clear in my life. I've had somewhat similar realizations and epiphanies while wide awake, but they absolutely pale in comparison and are typically more intellectual in nature.

Just thinking about this I'm in a state close to crying, not only because of the nature of the state being so jaw-droppingly fucking beautiful, but because I feel like I'm being almost "teased" by reality that I've only experienced it in such a sporadic and inconsistent way. I know intellectually and spiritually the rough roadmap that it might take to develop that, but it just feels so futile and almost unattainable given my usual experience, suffering, and the amount of work I know I have to do.

So I've got a few questions and if anyone has any guidance or wisdom to share, that would be appreciated. I feel like I'm onto something here.

- Has anyone experienced what I've described before? What did it mean to you? What did you learn from it?

- Is the experience I've described a sort of proto-enlightenment of some sort? Or is it just a delusional fantasy?

- It is a signal of my true nature and capacity, and my normal existence is just a fabrication I need to shed?

- How exactly do I cultivate the feeling I described?

 

 

[BipolarGrowth]

2 hours ago, Roy said:

- Has anyone experienced what I've described before? What did it mean to you? What did you learn from it?

I have not experienced this in what you call a semi-conscious state, but I’ve experienced very similar aspects to what you described in conscious states. You feel this lessen as you wake up from the semi-conscious state because the ego is then able to exert more of its regular patterns. 

- Is the experience I've described a sort of proto-enlightenment of some sort? Or is it just a delusional fantasy?

These are aspects/facets of enlightenment. You are recognizing/experiencing your true nature. The only delusional part of this might be the part where you describe being able to achieve what sounds like all of your ego’s dreams and fantasies. The sensation of infinite capability is a sensation of your true nature as the Totality of Existence/God, but it sounds, at least as it’s written, that you are then transferring this recognization coming from the transcendental Self to the egoic self. 

- It is a signal of my true nature and capacity, and my normal existence is just a fabrication I need to shed?

Yes. You already do all things and are all things. You just keep convincing yourself that you are a separate part of reality rather than the whole. There’s no need to shed this, but if there is the desire to shed this to experience more of your true nature, follow it. 

- How exactly do I cultivate the feeling I described?

Try the consciousness work discussed all over this forum and plenty of other spiritual communities/contexts. If you want more individual guidance, feel free to shoot me a PM. The right practice or practices for you could very well be quite unique. Meditation, psychedelics, contemplation, focusing on the present moment without conceptual frameworks, and many other things are commonly effective. 

 

This is a good exercise to try if you have not already or even to try again. 

 

Feel free to ask for more clarification. 

[The0Self]

Is the feeling like 10x more pleasurable than anything you thought was possible? If so, that's Jhana. Rob Burbea and Culadasa and others have tons of guidance to provide on how to cultivate it. It's hard work in a sense. And it can take some time to get the hang of such a repetitive, intensely fluid, and hard to sustain (unless lots of motivation) style of practice. But once it gets going strong, there's no turning back. It's absurdly pleasant and blissful.

If the experience was more of a oneness or strangely tasted like deja vu, you probably just activated a higher state of consciousness in twilight sleep, for whatever reason. Just let it play out naturally. Don't ignore it but don't place all your focus on it.

[Roy]

@BipolarGrowth From what I recall about the experiences I never felt like the invincibility or "power" was for my egos goals. I was mostly imagining visions of overcoming my own limitations and authentically expressing myself and my love.

Thanks for directing me to that video I will bookmark it. It's one of the Actualized videos that I've skipped over a while ago. I might PM you tomorrow I'm going to sleep though.

58 minutes ago, The0Self said:

Is the feeling like 10x more pleasurable than anything you thought was possible?

Yes, although I feel calling it "pleasurable" intuitively feels off and kind of perverts the purity of it. To be honest it was somewhat reminiscent to my experience being high on oxycodone (which I had to take after knee surgery many years ago), at least the carelessness/assurance aspect of it I described.

Thank you for the info I will research what that is!

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Roy said:

So over the past few years (maybe a few times a year) I'll have moments where I wake up either in the middle of the night, or in the morning and I'll be in what I would describe as a semi-conscious state. Not quite wide awake and "up", but I know I'm not sleeping and my eyes are open. 98% of the time this occurs it's unremarkable. I usually glance at the clock and go back to sleep, or I'll have to get up for my day.

However once in a while there will be an occurrence where I will wake up this half-sober semi-conscious state and feel what I can only describe as profound unconditional love. I feel it for myself, and for everything else. A "buzzing". All suffering ceases. Pure weightlessness. There is also a sense of having a frame of mind that I am invincible, and having a confidence I can do absolutely anything I want and all my dreams are attainable. All my usual worries and anxieties about life seem trivial and that everything is fine. There is an attitude of radical acceptance and that things will be settled. It's literally magic and the best thing I've ever felt in my entire life. Just to make you appreciate the magnitude > It makes the greatest orgasm I've ever experienced feel like just scratching a small itch.....................

Awesome. 

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Then either I fall back asleep, or I start to fully wake up and this state disappears.The confidence evaporates as all my shit floods back into my usual experience - my limiting beliefs, toxic thoughts about myself or others, my depression patterns, anything I'm stressed about. I go back to "reality" as the "story" comes back, like I'm an actor showing up to the studio to play a character.

As an actor that’s pretty impressive, as a creator these beliefs & assumptions are unaligned with feeling & the truth of direct experience. 

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Ironically these hazy half-asleep moments are the times I've felt the most clear in my life.

Waking up early shows you how powerful it is to think, ‘I don’t need to think about x, y, and z cause of the extra time’. Which doesn’t exist. Just the thinking about it appears. 

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I've had somewhat similar realizations and epiphanies while wide awake, but they absolutely pale in comparison and are typically more intellectual in nature.

Clear sky’s tough to beat. 

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Just thinking about this I'm in a state close to crying, not only because of the nature of the state being so jaw-droppingly fucking beautiful, but because I feel like I'm being almost "teased" by reality that I've only experienced it in such a sporadic and inconsistent way.

Yes, a perfect and synchronistic playground of a carefree loving universe is beckoning. 

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I know intellectually and spiritually the rough roadmap that it might take to develop that, but it just feels so futile and almost unattainable given my usual experience, suffering, and the amount of work I know I have to do.

That’s garbagey & self referential. ?

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- Has anyone experienced what I've described before? What did it mean to you? What did you learn from it?

To eat clean, align thought with feeling (not feeling with thought), inspect self referential thinking, and that the activity of the finite mind can be turned infinitely silent at will. 

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- Is the experience I've described a sort of proto-enlightenment of some sort? Or is it just a delusional fantasy?

Forget about enlightenment and focus mindfully. Focus is prior to delusion. By focusing on it, you keep deluded. (It really sounds like you want the straight skinny on this thread). The fantasy however, is actual. The fantasy is that there is a “reality”, while reality is the actual fantasy. 

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- It is a signal of my true nature and capacity, and my normal existence is just a fabrication I need to shed?

Just have fun aligning thoughts. Enjoy how it feels. 

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- How exactly do I cultivate the feeling I described?

Do more stuff you like, and love more. Carefree, no reason, no catalyst, no purpose or gains. Inspect thoughts about yourself & direct experience, there is much truth on the bone. 

[BipolarGrowth]

45 minutes ago, Roy said:

@BipolarGrowth From what I recall about the experiences I never felt like the invincibility or "power" was for my egos goals. I was mostly imagining visions of overcoming my own limitations and authentically expressing myself and my love.

The transcendental Self has no limitations, is perfectly authentic, and is Love already. 
 

Be honest, are these not goals of your ego? I think they are goals in alignment with your true nature, but your ego seems to be a participant in the desire for these things. I would not consider this delusion by any means though. 
 

You know your experience far better than I possibly could, so maybe there was not much ego involved in this. 

[Roy]

16 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

Be honest, are these not goals of your ego? I think they are goals in alignment with your true nature, but your ego seems to be a participant in the desire for these things. I would not consider this delusion by any means though. 

Yes they are you are right. I would say it's the healthy side of the ego though. None of it seemed like it was for pure selfishness. Felt more like authenticity. Of course my ego wants that authenticity, but that's ok it's not like my ego is in a rush to be anywhere.

Edited April 24, 2021 by Roy

[Roy]

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

As an actor that’s pretty impressive, as a creator these beliefs & assumptions are unaligned with feeling & the truth of direct experience.

I'm failing to see what you mean by this. I mean they are shitty but are they not somewhat true in like a charade sense if they are in my direct experience?

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

Waking up early shows you how powerful it is to think, ‘I don’t need to think about x, y, and z cause of the extra time’. Which doesn’t exist. Just the thinking about it appears.

Yea I've never really been a morning person but I'd been striving for years and failing to get up early. Been up at 5ish though the past 2 days after a month of ass backwards schedule.

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

That’s garbagey & self referential. ?

I know  thanks for pointing that out.

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

inspect self referential thinking

 

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

Just have fun aligning thoughts

What do you mean here I'm blanking out trying to understand.

[Nahm]

24 minutes ago, Roy said:

I'm failing to see what you mean by this. I mean they are shitty but are they not somewhat true in like a charade sense if they are in my direct experience?

As a charade, sure. The charade is that they’re in your direct experience. 

24 minutes ago, Roy said:

What do you mean here I'm blanking out trying to understand.

Focusing on a better feeling thought is fun and feels good. 

[The0Self]

18 hours ago, Roy said:

Yes, although I feel calling it "pleasurable" intuitively feels off and kind of perverts the purity of it. To be honest it was somewhat reminiscent to my experience being high on oxycodone (which I had to take after knee surgery many years ago), at least the carelessness/assurance aspect of it I described.

Thank you for the info I will research what that is!

No problem!

Yeah what you describe is somewhat characteristic of the 3rd jhana. The first and 2nd have extremely powerful exhilaration, pleasure, and euphoria, while the 3rd still has the latter 2 but not the former. The 4th doesn't have pleasure but maintains and even purifies the euphoria in a sense, in the form of equanimous super-stillness.

Edited April 24, 2021 by The0Self