Explosive Self-Hate (How do I start loving myself?)

[SuicidalBug]

I’m having a very hard time feeling love for myself or even feeling love from others. Intelectually, I know I am loved and supported, but it just won’t reach “me”. It feels like a wall between myself and the other people. A feeling of aggressive duality.

Been self-harming by cutting and burning for 7 years now, countless stitches, even 2 surgeries to close deep wounds and a skin transplant. Since 7 years into therapy, and it feels like it’s getting worse but at the same time I feel so much different and better than I used to be. I am in pain, but sometimes I can just allow it and just be aware of it, just being in some kind of peace.

Today, I saw “myself” into my roommate and felt a true love for her, true affection and curiosity. Do I need to start loving, understanding and accepting other people unconditionally to start feeling love from others and from myself as well? How do I start loving? Thank you for reading!

[Nightwise]

I would start with yourself instead of focusing on loving the other, or feeling love from the other. Personally it has never been my focus to give or receive love from others. I always tried to focus accepting (which is loving) myself, and by the process of doing that for years I have become much more chill towards myself, and because I have become much more chill and accepting towards myself I have pretty much automatically also become this towards other people. I actually never thought of it as "loving" myself but just as accepting myself, and letting go of many neurotic and disserving thought patterns and behavioural patterns. But that's basically the same thing as coming to love yourself.

I think that many people regard love as some kind of warm and affectionate behaviour. The way I usually express love is not so much through this jolly warm-hearted emotivity, but rather through paying attention and being sensitive to the needs of others, by not judging others and accepting them as they are, by inviting them in, by listening, and by being conscious and attentive of what their needs are at the moment. Love can be very subtle and inexplicit as well.

And ultimately, to answer the question in your title... Ultimately what self-hatred is is becoming identified with a thought and/or emotional pattern. You entertain certain ideas as to why you would not be worthy, not be deserving, not be capable... whatever. What helps is to realize that these things that you judge and even punish yourself for in the first place have occurred not because there is something essentially faulty with 'you', but just because you weren't conscious enough to unify and heal the different parts within yourself, which then acted themselves out in a way that was unholistic which you came to judge and hate yourself for later on.

In other words: The 'you' that 'you' hate is in fact a judgement about the emotional-psychological-physical system which is not you, yet you mistake that system to be you, concluding that you hate yourself. That is not correct. There is no 'you' hating 'you'. There is only an ego hating itself. You are not this ego, so therefore, neither the ego that is being the judge nor the ego and its actions that is being judged has anything to do with who you essentially are. In essence, you are merely the witness to this whole fool's game that the ego is entertaining itself with (even though it's not really so entertaining).

You don't even have to try to stop hating or cutting or burning yourself, because by trying to do so you more than likely will get once again get usurped with the identification with the ego, as now the ego is trying to fight its own affects. When this happens, once again you will get sucked into the same old process.

For all I care, go on hating or cutting or burning yourself, but be aware that it's in the end just the ego playing a game with itself. You might think that trying to stop either hating or cutting or burning yourself is what you need, but what you really is just to be a witness to the entire process instead of being the participant in it. If you can remain in the witness position, you'll be exactly where you want to be even if this process of self-hating or self-harming continues on the periphery for some time (as its both periphery relative to your essential nature as the witness).

[Thought Art]

 

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, SuicidalBug said:

Explosive Self-Hate (How do I start loving myself?)

I’m having a very hard time feeling love for myself or even feeling love from others. Intellectually, I know I am loved and supported, but it just won’t reach “me”. It feels like a wall between myself and the other people. A feeling of aggressive duality.

Hate is a belief, it’s intellectual, thought. At the very least, notice that if you are experiencing something - that’s an experience - not you. If one is to believe in hate at all, at least allow hate to be an emotion, and not self-hate, not an identity in any way. Using the emotional scale can work wonders in expressing blame, resentment, anger, etc, as emotions, which perhaps slowly but surely, brings about understand, and alleviates identifying with hate (or any emotion). Perhaps most key, is the recognition of your absolute use innocence. Whatever it is, so to speak, it is not your fault. Unconditional love & unconditional love does not make for an experience. Unconditional love must appear as other than what it is, for it to have an experience. In this forgetting, and in believing our thoughts and not listening to feeling, shit has got pretty crazy. There is no ‘thought solution’. For one and for all, there is only thought detachment and abiding in, listening to, feeling. 

You are feeling love, always. But it’s being labelled ‘hate’. Hate is thought, and the discord of the love that you are ‘not going along’ with the thought. If there were hate, if feeling were hate, then such thoughts would resound and resonate perfectly. But they do not resonate, because feeling is love, regardless of thought. So love yourself, by feeling the reactions of old arise, but not reacting. If it feels better to express it and ‘get it out’, hate someone, hate everyone, hate me for saying this,  hate the entire world, but do not hate yourself for you are pure and innocent truly.

The origin of the word ‘sin’, interestingly, is “to speak ill against the self”. 

Just say to yourself this will come and go, and focus on seeing, hearing, feeling, and breathing (instead of thought) and recognize contentment after the reaction comes & goes. You might be gut wrenched in the fetal position. That’s ok. Know that it will come and go, and don’t weave a story or narrative about yourself. You might vomit. That’s ok. Let it out, on’t buy any narratives. You might experience electric jolts. That’s ok. Don’t but into a narrative. It’s reactions playing out. The way to keep it going is to buy into the narrative about yourself, past and or future, and others. The way to bring reaction to end, is non-reaction. use like the only solution to violence is nonviolence. Just like the default is peace, and a narrative must be bought into for man to create war. 

Know the feeling of contentment. From the direct experience of ‘sitting with it’ and not reacting behaviorally, the feeling of contentment will be felt as peace, the true nature, you which is aware of thoughts. The thoughts will soon be known as apparent, as fleeting, impermanent, and completely powerless. Such is the analogy of thought as clouds coming and going, while the clear sky of peace & love is eternal and always present. 

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Been self-harming by cutting and burning for 7 years now, countless stitches, even 2 surgeries to close deep wounds and a skin transplant. Since 7 years into therapy, and it feels like it’s getting worse but at the same time I feel so much different and better than I used to be. I am in pain, but sometimes I can just allow it and just be aware of it, just being in some kind of peace.

If you were not worthy , deserving, and capable, God wouldn’t have put that dream in you. Keep ‘fighting the Good fight’. If & when you can, now is best, express that dream out of you and get it in front of you. Such as with a dreamboard or on paper, or just talking with someone who can shut up and listen. It is our nature to bloom, just like flowers. For humans, expressing is blooming. 

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Today, I saw “myself” into my roommate and felt a true love for her, true affection and curiosity. Do I need to start loving, understanding and accepting other people unconditionally to start feeling love from others and from myself as well? How do I start loving? Thank you for reading!

You don’t need to do anything. That’s how Good love is. Love is the present, in both the gift sense and the ‘now’ sense. Love is you which forgot itself by being experience, or, ‘SuicidalBug’. Imo, close your account. Start a new one, without identifying of the past. If that was who you are, it’d feel great. The recognition that it doesn’t resonate is everything.  Start loving as much as you possibly can. Start understanding as much as possible. Accept all as much as possible. But note the distinction that you don’t need to do, say, act, change, or be anything other than who you are right now, to know the love that is. Uncover the love that you are, unwrap the layer of this present. A thousand wishes of wellness and infinite love for you. Stay on the well being path. I say these things having been there. Depression, suicidal, hateful, angry. You can and will transcend it. 

[SuicidalBug]

13 hours ago, Nightwise said:

I would start with yourself instead of focusing on loving the other, or feeling love from the other. Personally it has never been my focus to give or receive love from others. I always tried to focus accepting (which is loving) myself, and by the process of doing that for years I have become much more chill towards myself, and because I have become much more chill and accepting towards myself I have pretty much automatically also become this towards other people. I actually never thought of it as "loving" myself but just as accepting myself, and letting go of many neurotic and disserving thought patterns and behavioural patterns. But that's basically the same thing as coming to love yourself.

I think that many people regard love as some kind of warm and affectionate behaviour. The way I usually express love is not so much through this jolly warm-hearted emotivity, but rather through paying attention and being sensitive to the needs of others, by not judging others and accepting them as they are, by inviting them in, by listening, and by being conscious and attentive of what their needs are at the moment. Love can be very subtle and inexplicit as well.

And ultimately, to answer the question in your title... Ultimately what self-hatred is is becoming identified with a thought and/or emotional pattern. You entertain certain ideas as to why you would not be worthy, not be deserving, not be capable... whatever. What helps is to realize that these things that you judge and even punish yourself for in the first place have occurred not because there is something essentially faulty with 'you', but just because you weren't conscious enough to unify and heal the different parts within yourself, which then acted themselves out in a way that was unholistic which you came to judge and hate yourself for later on.

In other words: The 'you' that 'you' hate is in fact a judgement about the emotional-psychological-physical system which is not you, yet you mistake that system to be you, concluding that you hate yourself. That is not correct. There is no 'you' hating 'you'. There is only an ego hating itself. You are not this ego, so therefore, neither the ego that is being the judge nor the ego and its actions that is being judged has anything to do with who you essentially are. In essence, you are merely the witness to this whole fool's game that the ego is entertaining itself with (even though it's not really so entertaining).

You don't even have to try to stop hating or cutting or burning yourself, because by trying to do so you more than likely will get once again get usurped with the identification with the ego, as now the ego is trying to fight its own affects. When this happens, once again you will get sucked into the same old process.

For all I care, go on hating or cutting or burning yourself, but be aware that it's in the end just the ego playing a game with itself. You might think that trying to stop either hating or cutting or burning yourself is what you need, but what you really is just to be a witness to the entire process instead of being the participant in it. If you can remain in the witness position, you'll be exactly where you want to be even if this process of self-hating or self-harming continues on the periphery for some time (as its both periphery relative to your essential nature as the witness).

Wow, thank you, I think I can understand. It does make a lot more sense to start with loving myself instead of doing it the other way around. Thank you for the response

 

13 hours ago, Thought Art said:

 

Thank you for helping me discover a great youtuber. He seems like such a great, kind person

 

12 hours ago, Nahm said:

You don’t need to do anything. That’s how Good love is. Love is the present, in both the gift sense and the ‘now’ sense. Love is you which forgot itself by being experience, or, ‘SuicidalBug’. Imo, close your account. Start a new one, without identifying of the past. If that was who you are, it’d feel great. The recognition that it doesn’t resonate is everything.  Start loving as much as you possibly can. Start understanding as much as possible. Accept all as much as possible. But note the distinction that you don’t need to do, say, act, change, or be anything other than who you are right now, to know the love that is. Uncover the love that you are, unwrap the layer of this present. A thousand wishes of wellness and infinite love for you. Stay on the well being path. I say these things having been there. Depression, suicidal, hateful, angry. You can and will transcend it. 

Thank you so much for the reply and the links that you sent, it really touched me. I’m going to think about your tip of deleting the account and starting a new one.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and write your responses, I promise it won’t go to waste ?

[Javfly33]

17 hours ago, SuicidalBug said:

Do I need to start loving, understanding and accepting other people unconditionally to start feeling love from others and from myself as well? How do I start loving? Thank you for reading!

Nobody ever love you because only you can love (or hate) yourself.

If you hate yourself you Will behave in a that Will make people behave you get the *idea that they hate you. Additionally, you Will also proyect the beliefs about yourself on to others and their behaviour about you.

If you love yourself, you Will exactly do the same, but instead of hate Will be love.

An radical different approach could be to stop living Life from a "self" perspective. For example this whole post is oriented from the perspective of a self Who hates itself, and Now he wants to love itself. A different approach would be to stop believing yourself to be a self. 

This would solve this problem.