Should I reach out to my ex?

[museumoftrees]

I've taken my ex for granted. We we're in a relationship for 11 and a half months. I've been in No Contact with her since after a week she broke up with me almost 10 weeks ago. She reached out to wish me a happy birthday 4 days ago after 57 days of no contact. I replied to her in a polite, friendly manner and after exchanging a few texts I suggested we meet up to catch up. She responded that she'd love to catch up so I asked what was her schedule for the next week which she didn't respond to. I am going to therapy to work on my attachment issues (avoidance) and work through other toxic behaviours I have. I wonder if I should text her to let her know i'm taking steps to change, improve and doing therapy or should I completely leave her alone?

[Preety_India]

No you shouldn't contact her. 

Notice how you always initiate something by suggesting that she should meet up. 

It's up to her to make things happen if she was the one to break up. 

If she doesn't, it only means that she is not on the same emotional resonance as you. In such a case, you'll run into the same old problems and patterns with her over and over. 

Put a full stop to a relationship that doesn't fulfill you especially when the person decides to break up. 

Work on your esteem and attachment. 

 

[museumoftrees]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

No you shouldn't contact her. 

Notice how you always initiate something by suggesting that she should meet up. 

It's up to her to make things happen if she was the one to break up. 

If she doesn't, it only means that she is not on the same emotional resonance as you. In such a case, you'll run into the same old problems and patterns with her over and over. 

Put a full stop to a relationship that doesn't fulfill you especially when the person decides to break up. 

Work on your esteem and attachment. 

 

Is it up to her to contact me even if I was the one that neglected her ?

Will me telling her i'm going to therapy only lower her attraction to me ?

We've only talked once since we broke up and she was the one to text me.

Thanks for your reply!

[Preety_India]

Just now, museumoftrees said:

Is it up to her to contact me even if I was the one that neglected her ?

Will me telling her i'm going to therapy only lower her attraction to me ?

We've only talked once since we broke up and she was the one to text me.

Thanks for your reply!

She wouldn't have broken up to begin with. That's a bad sign already. 

And over something like neglecting. No. That's her immaturity to not give space to you to be more understanding of her.  

The fact that you are going to therapy tells me that you're proactive, which means she would have picked up this somewhere along the line in the relationship, the way you describe things tells me that you're not too hard to have a conversation with, so she could have waited for things to change. 

Wishing on someone's birthday means nothing. I have been getting birthday wishes from my exes on every birthday. I don't even bother with respond to them. It creates unnecessary feelings. 

An understanding partner is also patient enough. If she hasn't responded to your texts, chances are she isn't too keen on taking things anywhere, if she were, she would have already ended up being with you by now. 

When you have such uncertainties with respect to communication in relationships, it's a sign that the partner or ex is not the right person for you and you should go look for someone else. 

 

[museumoftrees]

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

She wouldn't have broken up to begin with. That's a bad sign already. 

And over something like neglecting. No. That's her immaturity to not give space to you to be more understanding of her.  

The fact that you are going to therapy tells me that you're proactive, which means she would have picked up this somewhere along the line in the relationship, the way you describe things tells me that you're not too hard to have a conversation with, so she could have waited for things to change. 

Wishing on someone's birthday means nothing. I have been getting birthday wishes from my exes on every birthday. I don't even bother with respond to them. It creates unnecessary feelings. 

An understanding partner is also patient enough. If she hasn't responded to your texts, chances are she isn't too keen on taking things anywhere, if she were, she would have already ended up being with you by now. 

When you have such uncertainties with respect to communication in relationships, it's a sign that the partner or ex is not the right person for you and you should go look for someone else. 

 

It's hard to give a good portrait of our relationship in a few paragraphs but you are right, i'm not hard to have a conversation with but during the relationship I definitely was. I must say the breakup humbled me, I was a bit arrogant before.

In conclusion you are right, I probably shouldn't contact her. Thank you for your advice

[Roy]

Look there is nothing wrong with texting here or there, and staying friends. But absolutely DO NOT meet up in person. Don't open an opportunity to get back together again and create a scenario where either of you can get hurt or revisit pain. Even if that isn't either of your initial intention to get back together, seeing each other in the flesh with potential for physical contact and higher emotional engagement isn't smart. Don't open up the chance for a mistake like that.

She needs to know there are consequences to her actions, and so do you. This isn't about being spiteful or punishing her, but for your own development and so you can both have closure move on with life. If something like this is lingering it will be impossible to move on in a healthy way. Remember it already didn't work out for a reason. Do the work and improve yourself for YOU, your internal personal development process shouldn't be corrupted by any thoughts about having a chance to get back with her.

I know it's hard because your thoughts want you to move backwards into that place of comfort, but I'm telling you to face any pain you encounter and move through it. You will be better off for it.

Edited April 23, 2021 by Roy

[Arcangelo]

No, the ball is on her court.

She prolly thought about it and decided that it is not a good idea to ''catch up''  we all know what that means.

If I was you I would see her in the flesh and keep her as a fuck buddy. But never ever like your girlfriend.

 

Arc

[Jacob Morres]

what does your gut say? may not be the end all answer but it could clue you 

if you do feel like rekindling , try to make sure you can commit to healing and being emotionally conscious of her needs 

and in my experience, also make sure your needs are met. when i tried to rekindle my old relationship it didnt work because the second time around she went haywire. she became unfaithful and disrespectful 

Edited April 24, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[museumoftrees]

10 hours ago, Jacob Morres said:

what does your gut say? may not be the end all answer but it could clue you 

if you do feel like rekindling , try to make sure you can commit to healing and being emotionally conscious of her needs 

and in my experience, also make sure your needs are met. when i tried to rekindle my old relationship it didnt work because the second time around she went haywire. she became unfaithful and disrespectful 

Good answer, thank you! In the end there's no one size fits all. My gut was telling me I needed to let her know i'm aware of how I was neglecting her during our relationship. I'm not desperate to get her back, I would love too but i'm okay with moving on as well.

[Preety_India]

5 hours ago, museumoftrees said:

I'm not desperate to get her back

This is a good sign. 

 

[vinc3nc]

@museumoftrees "Trying to get your ex back is basically trying to take out yesterday's leftovers from the trash because you were unable to buy any more food today."

[museumoftrees]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

This is a good sign. 

 

A good sign of what?

[The0Self]

I guess it depends: how much sexual chemistry did y'all have? For me, this type of thing, with someone who I shared an intense sexual and romantic relationship with, very often leads to sex, rekindled feelings, and someone getting hurt. Not always, but quite often.

[Emerald]

On 4/23/2021 at 4:16 PM, museumoftrees said:

I've taken my ex for granted. We we're in a relationship for 11 and a half months. I've been in No Contact with her since after a week she broke up with me almost 10 weeks ago. She reached out to wish me a happy birthday 4 days ago after 57 days of no contact. I replied to her in a polite, friendly manner and after exchanging a few texts I suggested we meet up to catch up. She responded that she'd love to catch up so I asked what was her schedule for the next week which she didn't respond to. I am going to therapy to work on my attachment issues (avoidance) and work through other toxic behaviours I have. I wonder if I should text her to let her know i'm taking steps to change, improve and doing therapy or should I completely leave her alone?

You’d be wisest to be the one to reach out since you’re the avoidant one. 

[ilja]

@Emerald avoidant people can be very attached in relationships since those can be comfortable