Life Progress

[Asayake]

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I'm going to do some active journaling.

I feel very distracted. I also don't know how to describe what i'm feeling. Ahh this is not good, I have nothing else to say.

Hey man, stay strong. The things you're going through right now sounds like they could be transformative. It's hard to see once you're in it because it's uncomfortable and confusing. You don't need to understand everything you're going through right now but you'll make sense of things with some time, I'm sure of it. Journaling sounds like a great idea, might help you to structure your thoughts a bit and help make sense of the feelings.

Make sure you drink enough water and eat some food, give the body what it needs. Make sure to let yourself rest properly and be with whatever arises when it does so. 

[Asayake]

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Ahh this is not good, 

old but gold

[Raptorsin7]

@Asayake Thanks for the support. 

I am feeling better today than the past few. 

I am really going to focus on self love. I'm watching Leo's video on how to love right now. I've been just trying to love myself and think loving thoughts towards myself. 

I'm not 100% sure I'm doing it right, but I have felt some tears come up so i think I'm on the right track.

Maybe I'll make a post about how to do it. 

I'm just going to try to keep loving everything. Theres a lot of nuance so I'll probably just have to keep trying to love and see what happens.

Maybe I'll make a love journal or something. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

I looked into some holotropic breathing facilitators near me. This is one of the next things i'm going to try.

I've experienced the profound affects of the breathe, but I don't know how to do it anymore so maybe a guide can help.

So far walks and weed work best to change my state of being, but I wish I had stronger and more systematic methods to change my state. 

I'm going to go on walks as much as I can, I might start doing multiple walks per day. I think walks free up my breathing and give me more oxygen to the brain so that's why I feel better and have a heightened perspective. 

I've also got MALT that I haven't tried yet. And my ayruvedic herbs so at least I have some stuff in the pipeline. I'm also going to learn suriya kriya this Sunday, and I'm almost done the first part of inner engineering so I can get the main Sadhguru kriya yoga practice. 

[Raptorsin7]

Had a conversation with someone from the forum today, it has the potential to be very impactful.

He recommended I meditate on the tension in the third eye and the more I meditate on that space, that will lead to a disollution of the tension and bliss.

I've been doing it all day since and I do feel some effects. My head is very stimulated in the third eye region, And I can feel the tensions very strongly in my head.

But I have hit a bit of road block where the tension isn't dissolving anymore.

But at the very least this is progress. I can surrender to the third eye and just be persistent. It's only been one day, so let's see after a few days of doing this how I feel.

[Raptorsin7]

I'm feeling more hopeful. I'm going back to work today and I'm going to be experimenting with this third eye meditation a lot more. I can feel my brain being charged by a lazer, so at the very least I feel something is happening

[Raptorsin7]

People on this forum talk so much shit and speak as though they know what they're talking about.

Yet no one here can offer any tangible and reliable means to access heightened states of being.

Just once I wish I could meet someone who talked the talk, and could also provide spiritual insight of true value

Edited June 1, 2022 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

Man my mood changes pretty dramatically, but it's also subtle.

I just meditated on my third eye, and I could feel a connection between spinal energy and the third eye.

It's like there's a source of energy along the spine, and you can focus that energy into the third eye. This charges your brain.

Now I feel weirdly energized and confident.

Not sure if it will last, but right now this could be the most significant break through i've had in years.

[Raptorsin7]

I may as well journal while i'm feeling good.

I feel pretty locked in. It's like I got in touch with some internal energy and it's inspired me. 

My job was a huge blessing. There is definitely something to just going to work and helping people out. 

My access to this energy is very inconsistent. I have a sense i'm going to lose this state, but at least I feel like this is progress.

Now if only I had a reliable way to make a lot of money. I would be a sex addict haha

 

[Raptorsin7]

I'm all about learning to cultivate energy now. I'm going to seek out some kundalini or kriya yogis, and find other ways to cultivate and harness inner energies for healing

[Raptorsin7]

It would be so sick if I could invent something and then get rich off my invention. 

If you're a real spiritual master, you should be able to do that kind of shit.

If you can't you're a fucking retard, and don't act like you are wise. You're retarded.

[Raptorsin7]

This is the kind of shit I gotta be doing.

I'm a huge fucking pussy, That's my problem.

Edited June 2, 2022 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iSuB0Dsa3E

[Raptorsin7]

It's funny how much my coworkers love me. I can't feel love, and yet everyone is so happy for all that I do for them. Freud would love this case study.

I haven't seen an escort in like 6 months and i've been tempted to go back recently.

There are a bunch of cute girls at my work, but I feel so much resistance towards pursuing anything. There's so much internal conflict. One of the main issues is that I know i'll get bored with these girls and at best they would be fun company and sex dolls, but I don't want to play with people's emotions like that so here I am.

Edited June 9, 2022 by Raptorsin7

[RendHeaven]

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

One of the main issues is that I know i'll get bored with these girls and at best they would be fun company and sex dolls, but I don't want to play with people's emotions like that so here I am.

If, hypothetically, you knew that you had the god-given power to point to any girl and that she would enthusiastically desire you on the spot, I highly doubt "getting bored with these girls" would stop you from exercising your power

11 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

There are a bunch of cute girls at my work, but I feel so much resistance towards pursuing anything.

The bare minimum you could do is to share an authentic man-woman interaction with these girls, right? This doesn't mean you have to do anything risky with them, it just means you should honor your inner attraction. Playfully tell them that their style is on point today, or whatever. Shoot them a smile and walk off. I bet just that small effort would make your own soul more integrated.

[Raptorsin7]

19 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

If, hypothetically, you knew that you had the god-given power to point to any girl and that she would enthusiastically desire you on the spot, I highly doubt "getting bored with these girls" would stop you from exercising your power

12 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

If I could snap my fingers and make her want have sex with me with 0 attachment then I would do it. But when I think of the girls at my work I don't think they would be satisfied with me using them for sex, and then moving onto other woman or just losing interest. 

If there was a girl who I was incredibly attracted too it would be different I think, but for the girls at my work basically there are a couple that are cute that I wouldn't mind having sex with, but there wouldn't be a deeper pull, and so I feel conflicted about the  potential of just using them and dealing with ghosting etc.

19 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

The bare minimum you could do is to share an authentic man-woman interaction with these girls, right? This doesn't mean you have to do anything risky with them, it just means you should honor your inner attraction. Playfully tell them that their style is on point today, or whatever. Shoot them a smile and walk off. I bet just that small effort would make your own soul more integrated.

Yeah this is true. There's more going on than just my fear of using them and ghosting them. But still a part of me would see this as leading them on, because I have no intention of moving things forward. 

Sexually I still feel like a child, it's like my emotional development is at a point where I can't fully own and enjoy my own sexuality. There's so much anxiety, shame. fear etc even when I'm sexually involved with a girl. I think my ideal relationship right now would be getting used and essentially raped by a milf or something, but I'm not social enough to seek that out. 

I actually almost had a FWB with this open minded 40 year old, but she told me I gave off childish vibes on our date and said she wasn't attracted to that. But she told me there are cougars into that, so maybe that's an option idk.

Also, I have some fundamental fears of intimacy with other people, and I also fear just comments and shaming from my co-workers if people found out. 

Edited June 9, 2022 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

What stands in the way of me making more money

 

1. lack of energy 2. lack of creativity 3. fear and shame 4. lack of discipline 5. pride 6. lack of opportunity 7. guilt 8. embarrassment 9.  complacency 10.  health 11. lack of ability 12. motivation
 

[Zeroguy]

Grow up Rap.Stop imagining scenarios in your head.Approach these girls, make a first step then you talk.I think your worst fear is fear of rejection.Am I right?

[Raptorsin7]

12 hours ago, Zeroguy said:

Grow up Rap.Stop imagining scenarios in your head.Approach these girls, make a first step then you talk.I think your worst fear is fear of rejection.Am I right?

My biggest issue is that all I want from these girls is sex and some companionship when i'm bored, but I have no desire to fulfill their emotional needs/wants. So I would feel dishonest approaching any of them.

I am also afraid of everyone judging me in my work for approaching these girls or if we break up.

I think another issue is I just don't want them that much. It's been a while since I really had a crush on a girl, so maybe if I was really into them then I would want to pursue them. But it's just like I think they are hot and would be down to have sex, but that's it.

I am afraid of rejection I guess, but it's not that severe I don't think. I used to do cold approach at bars etc so I have some experience just going up to girls and getting rejected.

 

Edited June 10, 2022 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

I love this series.

I think i have generational emotional trauma from this time period. I am a murderer, rapist, traitor.