I came with Nothing I leave with Nothing

[Surreyal light]

it is a pleasure and privilege to join this forum. I am so pleased to announce that my inner self recently rejected the ego machinery that has kept me unconscious for the last few years. Having chosen to be nothing and create life as a game in the mid 2000s , there were incredible and miraculous experiences experienced. over the last 5 or so years , I took a step back into an unconscious life. safe to say as I approached my late 30s (I'm 43 in 6 days), slowly the space for transformation closed up and meaning,  fear and significance took over. I would say there was an event that I did not powerfully deal with,  which was the passing of my father in August 2016 that was a turning point. luckily it was less of a challenge as I was blessed with the birth of a child at the end of November and that event made being unconscious just fine. all was great for a couple of years until the untrained ego machinery that runs the programming started to unravel quite significantly. with no conscious self involved,  the primitive and limiting ego began struggling to make things work.

the consequences were a marriage that was over in everything except title. living in separate parts of the house and just raising a daughter together. 

the ego continued to sabotage the plans that had been set by pushing for moving jobs and then not being satisfied and quitting said jobs. part of me that was conscious very rarely could see the machinery in action but no actions were taken to put my life plans back on the rails. when the lockdowns began  in the UK, i was out of work for around 3 months. I found a new vice which was an online game that I began dedicating every waking moment to. to then make matters worse ( or exactly what was needed), through this online game, I managed to meet "the love of my life"in mid October. the human chemicals and machinery ran wild and we were addicted to each other like heroine addicts. she had a daughter and we discussed a life together. the only trouble was how to exit my current life. all my wealth, assets and fear of losing access to my daughter made the push for a quick divorce stall.  by the end of January , my mistress, if I can call her that , was convinced that I would never leave my wife and I think decided to move on. from us permanently being joined at the hip on telegram and being in eachothers arms as often as we could, she lived 150 miles away, all contact was broken.

in the realisation of that moment, something amazing happened. my self created identity completely unravelled and before I knew it, I was lost in a story of "intense grief". like a true drug addict, the withdrawal symptoms left my life void of any pleasure. I couldn't relate to my environment including my daughter. I went through fits of trying to contact her and initially she was receptive as she dealt with things on her side but eventually she had had enough of the intense neediness which is really the worst quality a partner can possess. 

a little light inside told me this was an opportunity to take control of my life. choose whether it was right to be in a marriage like this anymore. to get my career back on track and to awaken from this destructive slumber. 

within me was a sense of complete dissatisfaction around this ego based existence and this false construct of identity that had unravelled. initially on 26th January, I chose not to confront the inauthentic story regarding my relationship with Roo, while from a physical and mental perspective,  she seemed the most compatible woman on every level I had ever met , I held onto the story that she had wronged me and abandoned me for someone else. that context around which I had set my belief system had me firmly trapped in the most intense grief and heartbreak I have ever experienced. from fits of despair and constant tears throughout the day , I chose to use exercise as therapy. that was all fine except there was not enough body to handle the level of exercise required to distract me from the despair. in the meantime I tried to push for a divorce too in case this would change Roo's mind. it didn't.

the walls were closing in and all that existed was darkness. I was asleep. completely asleep. meditation and self hypnosis was the next fix, however, within the context of "the love of my life has abandoned me", the results were non consequential. 

it was only through confronting the lie, the lie that I had made up about my life and this situation and in fact my whole existence that finally created the space for something else to be possible. 

as a Buddhist may argue that any attachment outside ones self will lead to suffering and the conventional form of love, isnt true love. true love is unconditional.  that is something I simply could not experience around Roo. I was completely addicted and was trapped in the human machinery. the ego led existence was in turmoil and disarray. 

something else is always possible... if you choose to see that your life is a construct and an interpretation of life which is not life. the big lie is the duality of having self being separate from the world.

 

through this journey , I have discovered some amazing tools that I hope to share with anyone interested and this journal is mainly to chart my progress into acknowledging the wholeness and completeness of life , and also the wealth of resources out there. 

I am truly thankful and blessed to have met Roo, for not only is she true beauty wrapped in human form, but without her , I would not have opened this door into being awakened. I am at a stage where I can pray for her health, happiness and fulfillment and especially that she finds love in her life,  someone that can be there for her and support her and love her and her beautiful child. I love you Roo, you saved me. you are my miracle and I acknowledge your immense strength, character and your delicious inner kindness and sensuality which I never knew could exist. I fell asleep at the wheel and you were the catalyst that led to my reawakening. 

I now am where I always dreamed to be... nowhere. I am who I always wanted to be...no  one. my life has all the meaning I could hope for... it means absolutely nothing. 

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by Surreyal light

[Surreyal light]

Today has been a great day. 3 months of say on average 2.5 to 3 hours of meditation per day has resulted in a shift in who I am and what I attract. There is a distinct shift in which actions are ego reactions and what actions are something else. The ego machinery  seems to project its visuals, thoughts and other activities to the right and rear right side of the head mainly. Or that seems to be the case. 

Other interesting observations from initially coming from the "heart break " story are that during the period that the chest pains associated with the feelings of grief etc began healing, I felt these feelings like butterflies near my heart area, not quite in the centre of my chest , but closer to where the heart organ is positioned. 

Other unusual observations is on one day, I felt a fast and continuous tapping in that area that wasn't a heartbeat but that somehow was linked to the groin area and sexual organ resulting in a peculiar arousal that seemed directly connected to the heart area. All this once I finally chose to accept that I had cooked up the story of my relationship with Roo. The story being she is the love of my life and wronged me. Accepting that I was the author of this experience allowed that tiny bit of space to let go of the story of grief and loss. I must have had the butterflies sensation at least 8 or 9 times during the healing phase. 

 

I particularly like how now when I visualise filling love in the heart region, I feel this huge increase in warmth in that area and when I'm meditating while lying down and covered in my duvet,  the part of the duvet covering my heart feels much warmer than the right side of the body. 

Coffee intake has reduced to half of the previous levels and energy levels are generally higher. As is mental clarity. 

Looks like some ego created myths are now in the background rather than running their story as if that story is real .

Other observations are that shifting beliefs are much more straightforward when there is another individual there to bounce them off. It seems more challenging to do this solo 

My favourite part of this all is to be in a space where when my machinery projects thoughts of Roo, I catch them and let them pass without getting caught up in them. There's a distinct ability to let go of the automated thoughts and ego projections. 

 

One thing I did was accept the ego as being whole and complete and being there to keep me alive and safe. To love it just the way it is. Also to celebrate each time it does something  useful,  like project a warning that a spider might fall out of the sunroof. It becomes a nice game to notice it trying to search for safety. I choose to love it and train it. It can now spot itself in action and send a warning that im unconscious. It isn't the enemy, it is a well meaning and intentioned mechanism that just hasn't been trained ?