Fear and psychosis

[Gnostic Bean]

Looking for some advice on how to deal with the fear of psychosis during spiritual work. 

I'll try to keep it short for the sake of brevity and just describe one example: during meditation an insight came up particularly stronger than usual: "Oh I'm dead inside; there's absolutely no one home." Usually insights like this and ego loss experiences can be peaceful, profound and even euphoric, but this one shook me pretty bad.

I imagined running to find help but realizing there was no direction I could go in to save myself; a family member, a therapist, a paramedic with sedative, it didn't matter. I was the final authority in  existence, and I've gone insane; I could only look to myself for help, and I wasn't anywhere to be found.

So where I'd like some advice: Am I maybe pushing too hard and maybe this is a sign to ease up a bit or take a break? I'm pretty much constantly digesting spiritual material 24/7 over the past 6 years; you name it I've probably read it or at least heard of it. 40 minutes minimum meditation daily; constantly thinking and contemplating this stuff like a silent mantra while I work, eat, exercise, etc.

Or is this sort of intense fear just par for the course? I've pushed through plenty of fear and dysphoric ego loss experiences, but this one just felt psychotic and messy.

Thanks!

Edited April 20, 2021 by Gnostic Bean

[Eternity]

You're familiar with the resistance that ego puts up as soon as it senses you are trying to overcome it, i.e. death for the ego?  I think this might have been one of those backlash moments because apparently you are getting way too close to doing away with ego.  It is the suggestion that without ego, you will just become a nihilist .  But in reality, attaining God consciousness is not at all nihilistic.  It is stillness, peace, calm and a sense of unconditional love.  Don't give up over these desperate tactics by ego to stay alive or to stay in the background of consciousness and not in the foreground.  Whatever you resist persists.  So just keep going, but be discreet about announcing the progress you are making.  Ego will fight back.  Accept that ego was the author of this episode, accept your feelings about it.  It will die a natural death.

[Gnostic Bean]

Keep going

Thanks Eternity! "Head in the tigers mouth", I don't think it's even possible to resist at this point anyway.

[Blackhawk]

Just stop it..

(This is not a troll post.)

Edited April 20, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Blackhawk]

Forget the existence of "psychosis".

[Forestluv]

For me, psychosis is being trapped between two worlds and trying to grasp one of them. If I roll with either of them, it's smoother sailing. 

[Corpus]

I wonder why you selected the term psychosis as a descriptor. What does the term actually mean to you?

For someone dead inside, imagining running to find help seems a little paradoxical, no?

[Lyubov]

5 hours ago, Forestluv said:

For me, psychosis is being trapped between two worlds and trying to grasp one of them. If I roll with either of them, it's smoother sailing. 

Yeah I kinda agree with your definition, Psychosis to me is having a very weak reference point but not the sharp mind, wisdom and understanding to accompany it or ground oneself out. 

[Nahm]

12 hours ago, Gnostic Bean said:

Looking for some advice on how to deal with the fear of psychosis during spiritual work. 

I'll try to keep it short for the sake of brevity and just describe one example: during meditation an insight came up particularly stronger than usual: "Oh I'm dead inside; there's absolutely no one home." Usually insights like this and ego loss experiences can be peaceful, profound and even euphoric, but this one shook me pretty bad.

Definition of insight

1: the power or act of seeing into a situation : PENETRATION

2: the act or result of apprehending the inner nature of things or of seeing intuitively

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I imagined running to find help but realizing there was no direction I could go in to save myself;

Maybe it wasn’t so much an insight, but a thought about yourself, which didn’t feel good. 

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a family member, a therapist, a paramedic with sedative, it didn't matter. I was the final authority in  existence, and I've gone insane; I could only look to myself for help, and I wasn't anywhere to be found.

Who’s looking?

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So where I'd like some advice: Am I maybe pushing too hard and maybe this is a sign to ease up a bit or take a break?

It a lesson in thoughts that don’t resonate aren’t insights. 

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I'm pretty much constantly digesting spiritual material 24/7 over the past 6 years; you name it I've probably read it or at least heard of it. 40 minutes minimum meditation daily; constantly thinking and contemplating this stuff like a silent mantra while I work, eat, exercise, etc.

Stop digesting material, start consciously creating. Make a dreamboard. Focus on what you want, and thoughts that do feel good to you. Digest material about what you want to do, be, have, create and experience.

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Or is this sort of intense fear just par for the course? I've pushed through plenty of fear and dysphoric ego loss experiences, but this one just felt psychotic and messy.

Thanks!

You’re believing the thought which doesn’t resonate is an insight, as in it’s true or truthful. That doesn’t feel good, so you label the feeling “fear” instead of the thought, “not true”. 

The “fear” is thinking you’re in a future. If that’s psychosis, relax, 99.9% of the population is psychotic. 

Meditation is “letting” thoughts come and go (or really, just noticing they do) while relaxing and focusing on breathing from the stomach and feeling... which is presence, or, the opposite of believing thoughts about yourself, in a future. 

[erik8lrl]

This is ego backlash. It is normal. Keep going and follow your heart. 

[Carl-Richard]

Fear of insanity is just one of many fears you have to work through. 

[allislove]

@Gnostic Bean

Yeah, that's a part of the process. It's hard to remember right now, but there were some fears here, like solipsistic one... don't believe in these stories/descriptions/concepts/ideas/thinking... at some point it becomes smooth journey all the time. Whatever thinking says, any insight, it happens because you already are. Without you it won't be any insight, you are the existence itself that allows for any insight to appear inside you. It's like looking into the mirror, don't believe in the reflection in the mirror. Look inside, you are the whole experience, you don't need to cling to any insight, just be yourself, as immovable silence, relax.

[Gnostic Bean]

12 hours ago, Forestluv said:

For me, psychosis is being trapped between two worlds and trying to grasp one of them. If I roll with either of them, it's smoother sailing.

Can't say it better than this. By psychosis I mean the state of transitioning in-between reference frames for reality. 

[Gnostic Bean]

4 hours ago, allislove said:

@Gnostic Bean

Yeah, that's a part of the process. It's hard to remember right now, but there were some fears here, like solipsistic one... don't believe in these stories/descriptions/concepts/ideas/thinking... at some point it becomes smooth journey all the time. Whatever thinking says, any insight, it happens because you already are. Without you it won't be any insight, you are the existence itself that allows for any insight to appear inside you. It's like looking into the mirror, don't believe in the reflection in the mirror. Look inside, you are the whole experience, you don't need to cling to any insight, just be yourself, as immovable silence, relax.

Nice ? 

[allislove]

@Gnostic Bean

[Megan Alecia]

The only way to understand psychosis is to study it.

[4201]

6 hours ago, Megan Alecia said:

The only way to understand psychosis is to study it.

Experiencing seems more effective  How do you know studies know what they are talking about? It happens inside but it's studied from the outside

[Carl-Richard]

2 hours ago, 4201 said:

Experiencing seems more effective  How do you know studies know what they are talking about? It happens inside but it's studied from the outside

That is why you should only listen to PhDs in psychiatry who are also psychotic... or should you? ?

[4201]

8 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

That is why you should only listen to PhDs in psychiatry who are also psychotic... or should you? ?

I wouldn't recommend just listening to someone. How about directly challenging the idea that there is a you unable to differentiate between what is real and what is not? Believing this idea is the same as having psychosis. If you go see a doctor, they'll give you a diagnosis which might make you believe even more that you have psychosis.

I have great respect for modern medicine and all of it's accomplishments but when it comes to mental illnesses they don't really know what's going on because it's a software issue, not a hardware issue.

[blackchair]

17 hours ago, Megan Alecia said:

The only way to understand psychosis is to study it.

live it.