I feel drained by my family

[soos_mite_ah]

I was forced to spend time with my family today and I feel so drained afterwards. I almost feel guilty for this because my family literally didn't do anything and nothing really occurred to make me feel this way. 

Firstly, I've been stuck in the house with my parents since March 2020. I try to spend as much time as possible by myself but even then I don't feel like I can recharge completely. I also didn't have a great childhood because of the way they raised me and I have spent a lot of time and money to fixing myself and the emotional turmoil they put me through but I have some good things about my relationship with them so it's kind of a mixed bag (don't know if that's relevant to this topic).  The thought of me then going out of my way to spend time with my family (we went on a hike) felt draining and annoying. The whole thing felt forced. During this hike, again, nothing happened, I mean we barely talked to each other because we have nothing to say to each other since we are accessible to each other 24/7, but I caught myself feeling annoyed with their presence and wanting to just go back to my room and limit as much interaction as possible. 

Afterwards, my parent's and I went to my aunt and uncle's house. This is a little background but I hate my aunt and uncle because they are incredibly dogmatic/religious/conservative/ fanatical MAGA supporters, don't know how to respect boundaries (or really know what that even means), and are loud and awkward. Growing up, I would clash a lot with them specifically on political matters. Because I don't really have family in the U.S. my parents would dismiss how I felt about them by telling me that I *HAVE* to like them (and that I'm awful and selfish if I don't) and love them even though that's not how I feel about them because we don't share the same values. Because they don't know how to respect boundaries and because my dad is scared to set boundaries because of his own personal problems, in order to deal with that my family always tells white lies to them so that they don't annoy us and so that they won't get offended. And I hate how in general I feel like I can't be authentic around them.  Growing up I was forced to go to their house everyday and then somethings happened in my life and I didn't have to go there everyday anymore and just cutting down how much time I spent with them improved my mental health. That's what I noticed over the years. 

Anyway, so we went to their house and they didn't do anything that would annoy me or make me uncomfortable. They were just chilling and that's it. But even entering their house, I felt my energy just dip down. Idk, I just don't like the energy around their house or around them tbh. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this and that I'm being irrational. I can feel this tenseness inside of me and wanting to snap at everyone but I don't out of respect. 

I don't know why I'm like this and why I can't control these feelings that come up when I'm around them and why I can't act normal. Again they aren't doing anything except existing but I catch myself getting irrationally irritated. 

[4201]

3 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I was forced to spend time with my family today and I feel so drained afterwards. I almost feel guilty for this because my family literally didn't do anything and nothing really occurred to make me feel this way. 

Firstly, I've been stuck in the house with my parents since March 2020. I try to spend as much time as possible by myself but even then I don't feel like I can recharge completely. I also didn't have a great childhood because of the way they raised me and I have spent a lot of time and money to fixing myself and the emotional turmoil they put me through but I have some good things about my relationship with them so it's kind of a mixed bag (don't know if that's relevant to this topic).  The thought of me then going out of my way to spend time with my family (we went on a hike) felt draining and annoying. The whole thing felt forced. During this hike, again, nothing happened, I mean we barely talked to each other because we have nothing to say to each other since we are accessible to each other 24/7, but I caught myself feeling annoyed with their presence and wanting to just go back to my room and limit as much interaction as possible. 

Afterwards, my parent's and I went to my aunt and uncle's house. This is a little background but I hate my aunt and uncle because they are incredibly dogmatic/religious/conservative/ fanatical MAGA supporters, don't know how to respect boundaries (or really know what that even means), and are loud and awkward. Growing up, I would clash a lot with them specifically on political matters. Because I don't really have family in the U.S. my parents would dismiss how I felt about them by telling me that I *HAVE* to like them (and that I'm awful and selfish if I don't) and love them even though that's not how I feel about them because we don't share the same values. Because they don't know how to respect boundaries and because my dad is scared to set boundaries because of his own personal problems, in order to deal with that my family always tells white lies to them so that they don't annoy us and so that they won't get offended. And I hate how in general I feel like I can't be authentic around them.  Growing up I was forced to go to their house everyday and then somethings happened in my life and I didn't have to go there everyday anymore and just cutting down how much time I spent with them improved my mental health. That's what I noticed over the years. 

Anyway, so we went to their house and they didn't do anything that would annoy me or make me uncomfortable. They were just chilling and that's it. But even entering their house, I felt my energy just dip down. Idk, I just don't like the energy around their house or around them tbh. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this and that I'm being irrational. I can feel this tenseness inside of me and wanting to snap at everyone but I don't out of respect. 

I don't know why I'm like this and why I can't control these feelings that come up when I'm around them and why I can't act normal. Again they aren't doing anything except existing but I catch myself getting irrationally irritated. 

You are not like that. That's why it doesn't feel right when you think about it. There's no "control" to have on feelings, you just feel them. What does it mean when you feel bad? It means the way you are looking at thing, the perspective you are using is wrong. What feels bad is thinking that you are drained by your family while in fact none of the stuff they do or think drain you at all. 

You have some kind of relief when you stop interacting with them. Is it really because they drain you or is it because you finally break free from thinking they are draining you? Just the effect of no longer thinking about it must indeed be very relaxing compared to the constant stress of worrying about this.

The more you believe it, the more you act like it's true. If you act like they are draining you down it will seem true to you. Yet feeling will be there to tell you that's not right.

Why does it feel uncomfortable when you step foot in your aunt and uncle's house? Because at that moment you are fully focused on this idea that you will not have a great time and that it will irritate you and all of that. If you stop thinking that none of those negative effects would happen. The fact they all think backward doesn't affect you at all (again if you start thinking it does, it will feel bad) next time you know you'll be chilling with them and laughing with them and their silly ideas.

I had issues like this not too long ago. At first I hated everyone lol Then one by one I contemplated what I didn't like about a specific family member and it turned out in my case, everything I didn't like about them were things I didn't like about myself. All the judgements I had for them were just "fears of being/becoming like that". Those fears end up being quite silly because there is no particular reason I would end up like them. The only thing to do with other people is to accept them as they are really. Of course they all have their tons of flaws and all of that, but it's not like we can change anyone.

I think you are an amazing person and you already show your willingness to understand what's the real issue behind this. You seem to have already realized that their behavior isn't at all that bad, only your reaction. Now it's time to believe in yourself and let go of all those ideas about the way people affect you. Nobody can affect you or drain you, you are undrainable... unless you want to believe you are

Edited April 19, 2021 by 4201

[Nahm]

@4201

Infinite mind. I feel I’d recognize you anywhere. ? 

? 

? 

 

[4201]

48 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@4201

Infinite mind. I feel I’d recognize you anywhere. ? 

? 

? 

 

<3

[soos_mite_ah]

12 hours ago, 4201 said:

You have some kind of relief when you stop interacting with them. Is it really because they drain you or is it because you finally break free from thinking they are draining you? Just the effect of no longer thinking about it must indeed be very relaxing compared to the constant stress of worrying about this.

The more you believe it, the more you act like it's true. If you act like they are draining you down it will seem true to you. Yet feeling will be there to tell you that's not right.

Upon further reflection, I think I feel drained because I'm working through a lot of resistance when I'm around them. It's the resistance towards my own annoyance and my desire to snap. I don't think about them draining me. My head is like "why are you acting and feeling like this? You need to be respectful. They are literally not doing anything." But my feelings are like "I don't like these people, I feel drained, and I feel irritable anyway."  

I don't think that my thoughts are influencing my feelings rather my thoughts are trying to dictate my feelings and are confused as to why my feelings are acting the way they are. 

[4201]

3 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Upon further reflection, I think I feel drained because I'm working through a lot of resistance when I'm around them. It's the resistance towards my own annoyance and my desire to snap. I don't think about them draining me. My head is like "why are you acting and feeling like this? You need to be respectful. They are literally not doing anything." But my feelings are like "I don't like these people, I feel drained, and I feel irritable anyway."  

What you describes ressembles the inner child and inner parent duality. We could describe what you consider "head" to be the inner parent judging the inner child for "not being respectful" or "not acting the way you should". The inner parent is indeed thought but the inner child, the idea that you have unchangeable feelings which say "I don't like these people, I feel drained", this is also an idea. I see why you associate this to feeling, it feels bad to think that you are like this. These "thoughts" may seem different from other thoughts. Especially if you've been thinking like that for a long time. It's really not "intellectual"-type of thoughts. Our deepest beliefs often aren't even voiced, they are just unconsciously thought. They can be instantly released by noticing what they are and no longer thinking them.

3 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't think that my thoughts are influencing my feelings rather my thoughts are trying to dictate my feelings and are confused as to why my feelings are acting the way they are. 

The idea that there are thoughts trying to do stuff is more thought. In reality there are thoughts and you either think them (identify with them) or not. It's not like those thoughts have any will of their own. They are selling you a story, a narrative and you either buy into it or not. As long as you buy into one that's not true, it will feel bad.

I see what you mean by "trying to dictate" though. You would want to feel good when seeing them and you don't like fact it's not the case right now. But as long as you believe that you can't, you will not. Those "feelings" are not bad unless you judge them as bad. If you really feel them and let them exists you will see that they fade away quite quickly. If you refuse feeling them under the idea that they should not be there, they will never go.

Noticing all of that can be quite challenging without the right tools. I find this meditation guide really helpful when trying to notice what is actually going on: https://www.actualityofbeing.com/meditation My answers are only guesses, at the end of the day, only you can find what's true! You can find it and it will feel amazing, I know you will!

Edited April 19, 2021 by 4201

[Blackhawk]

@soos_mite_ah

It would be interesting/useful to know your age.

I find my parents annoying too. (But of course I care about them.) I'm around 30.

Fact #1: We don't like everyone.

Fact #2: We didn't choose our parents.

Result: Not everyone likes their parents.

Edited April 19, 2021 by Blackhawk

[soos_mite_ah]

@Blackhawk I'm 21 

I think my age does have some role in my irritability because I'm supposed to be and I want to be in this place where I'm gaining independence and exploring myself and my surroundings but I'm stuck at home because of the pandemic and that is causing me to feel shut in to the point where I want to implode. I think there is this added feeling of repression and feeling of being emotionally stunted because I'm back in familiar surroundings that combine to create what I'm feeling. 

[NatureB]

When are you going to moveo out? You can expect to feel these feelings until you do.

[soos_mite_ah]

@NatureB August 

[Derek White]

Lol ABCDs hate their parents.

Why exactly do you hate them? Do they stop you from doing something?

I feel like you have unfair expectations from them. 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Derek White First of all, please don't use the term ABCD. I assure you that I have no problem with my cultural identity and that I'm not confused lol.

13 hours ago, Derek White said:

Why exactly do you hate them? Do they stop you from doing something?

Read the post. I provided all the relevant details. 

13 hours ago, Derek White said:

I feel like you have unfair expectations from them. 

How? I don't have many expectations from them. I know why they are the way they are but that doesn't mean that things don't hurt or affect me. 

[Derek White]

5 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

First of all, please don't use the term ABCD. I assure you that I have no problem with my cultural identity and that I'm not confused lol.

Wow. Alright, it’s just a term that’s fun.

6 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Read the post. I provided all the relevant details. 

You kind of didn’t, you didn’t even mention that they were desi. That changes things... by a lot. I still don’t know exactly why you are annoyed by them other than they are kind of conservative and you had a rough childhood (like most SAs).

I mean, I would just recommend that you listen to advice from other SA people from YouTube. Other people don’t really know the situation, they’ll just tell you to move out, and maybe you’ll have to do that idk. In my experience SAs will give better advice on how to deal with SA parents.

[Raptorsin7]

@Derek White What makes someone an ABCD?

[Derek White]

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Derek White What makes someone an ABCD?

It's just a term for desis born in north america.

[Jacob Morres]

19 hours ago, Derek White said:

Lol ABCDs hate their parents.

Why exactly do you hate them? Do they stop you from doing something?

I feel like you have unfair expectations from them. 

this is an example of invalidating someone's experience 

Edited April 28, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raptorsin7 ABCD stands for American Born Confused Desi

Some South Asian people assume that if you aren't from the Indian subcontinent even if you are brown that you aren't really South Asian in the sense that your cultural identity doesn't count. The term ABCD carries the assumption of confusion because it assumes that brown people born in the U.S. are white washed and ignorant of their own cultural background. 

[Raptorsin7]

@soos_mite_ah Ahh okay thank you.

[Nahm]

@soos_mite_ah

When you express the frustration, irritation and or impatience, usually some pretty pessimistic outlooks are expressed and released as well. You might often feel like you have ample energy but are stuck waiting, and that would be an example of a pessimistic outlook yet expressed. While it may sound too overly simple to be effective, focusing on seeing, hearing feeling and breathing will bring said expression to a rest, and without that mental & emotional activity, in a more emptied, clear and relaxed manor, you can feel at peace with everything just the way it is.

In this peace, hopeful thoughts and perspectives arise. This is a key shift, away from directing how you’re feeling at the thoughts or topic of your parents and unwanted circumstances, and towards positive outlooks for the future you are creating. The more you choose this shift of focus, the more you feel the momentum of alignment, and the more enthusiastic & passionate you become about what you want to create and experience.

I suggest considering what is chiefly desired is feeling empowered with purpose, passion and joy, and that the easiest and most effective resolution to a lasting shift in that orientation, is to make a dreamboard and fill it with everything that you truly want. If that proves to be challenging...I believe you have experienced plenty of what you don’t want. It is sometimes easier to make that list, and write the opposites on your dreamboard.

You will not feel stuck for long, but the dreamboard is only of direct experience. Thoughts about the experience are like thoughts about eating a chocolate ice cream cone dipped in that rare and coveted cherry shell coating, with rainbow (or chocolate) sprinkles ‘baked in’ to the candy shell just as it hardened enough to maintain the integrity of the cone, yet of course remains creamy enough that the cherry candy flavor mixes in perfectly with the chocolate ice cream with each bite, so perfectly in fact that only the lips and tongue were required. The thought of this stuff is not at all the experience of this stuff. 

With your dream in your heart everyday, you will not feel so ‘forced’ or drained when interacting with others, and therefore will no longer need to recharge.

It is really the calling, the natural drive for freedom, and focusing on it and aligning with it will make it effortless to appreciate relationships, especially with your parents. It is easy to see the shortcomings through angst and miss what there is to appreciate, but that flips the other way the more we become truly independent. That angst is desire, it is the dream within you, it is the power to do what you desire to do, and you are ever so slightly spotting the ox as well. 

On 4/18/2021 at 10:21 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I can feel this tenseness inside of me and wanting to snap at everyone but I don't out of respect. 

I don't know why I'm like this and why I can't control these feelings that come up when I'm around them and why I can't act normal. Again they aren't doing anything except existing but I catch myself getting irrationally irritated. 

It’s natural for this desire to bud and for the power of it to sometimes be misdirected. Every generation experiences this. The previous gen is always the morons who wrecked the place, until you are that previous generation, then it is seen everyone is doing the best they can, we’re all in this together, and nobody knows what this is in the first place. But if you allow those feelings to be about what you desire, and not about your folks... nothing can stop you. Not them, not a pandemic, nothing. Using a dreamboard is effortless focus, and aligning thought with feeling ignites. But not words, and not thoughts. That’s just a mirage, a means to the experience, of the life you get to create, and the thrill and adventure of creating it, which is already underway. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Nahm

[soos_mite_ah]

18 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@soos_mite_ah

When you express the frustration, irritation and or impatience, usually some pretty pessimistic outlooks are expressed and released as well. You might often feel like you have ample energy but are stuck waiting, and that would be an example of a pessimistic outlook yet expressed. While it may sound too overly simple to be effective, focusing on seeing, hearing feeling and breathing will bring said expression to a rest, and without that mental & emotional activity, in a more emptied, clear and relaxed manor, you can feel at peace with everything just the way it is.

In this peace, hopeful thoughts and perspectives arise. This is a key shift, away from directing how you’re feeling at the thoughts or topic of your parents and unwanted circumstances, and towards positive outlooks for the future you are creating. The more you choose this shift of focus, the more you feel the momentum of alignment, and the more enthusiastic & passionate you become about what you want to create and experience.

So what I'm getting is use your 5 senses to ground yourself in the present instead of getting distracted from pessimistic attitudes from the past and then use that peace to refocus your energy in a positive towards what you are aiming towards. And figuring out where to aim that positive energy can be done using a vision board.