What is madness?

[tatsumaru]

I want to share four experiences from my life which when I think about the word 'madness' comes to mind. I want to share them because I find the concept of madness deeply troubling. Madness is one of my greatest fears and I want to understand it and transcend it in order to become a fully integrated human being. I don't want to be afraid of it or resist it or to anticipate it or to live in fear of it for the rest of my life. Without further ado...

I had this schoolmate who always scared me a little bit. He wasn't evil or anything like that but he had this intense look in his eyes like he was ready to start a riot or something. Like he had no inhibitions and he could turn into pure chaos. Like he was gasoline waiting for a spark to happen. This was both curious and quite disconcerting. He was always looking for trouble. For whatever reason this unstable personality that he had scared me, felt like he could lose his mind any moment and just descend into madness, take his dick out and start pissing on people on the streets or something like that.

A couple years ago my uncle started hearing voices possibly out of the blue, I am not sure. He was always a reclusive and troubled person but this was a new low even for him. He couldn't handle the suffering and tried to commit suicide. He didn't succeed. He's currently on psychiatric meds and seems to be doing somewhat better, but at the expense of being a zombie. Now I wonder, what if I start hearing voices one day, what if I can't handle the suffering and want to kill myself too? The thought that there exists some punishment like that out there which can visit anyone out of the blue and can cause such suffering is almost unbearable.

I tried psychedelics a few times and on some of the trips I had the sensation that the intensity of the trip is is so overwhelming that if it increased even a little bit I wouldn't be able to handle it and would get fucked up beyond repair or something like that. It never happened but it always felt like I was about to lose everything to chaos - a disintegration more complete than even death. I've heard of people who took psychedelics and got broken and could never recover afterwards. What is that?

In the movie Zorba the Greek there was a scene in the beginning where Zorba was really wild and just started dancing chaotically to exhaustion like some wild animal out of control. Apparently he needed to do it because that was a form of emotional or energetic release for him. For whatever reason that triggered fear in me. I started wondering what is this state, what if he succumbs to madness and can never return to order again? What if his mind gets trapped in some chaotic dimension and he becomes lost forever?

Where does madness come from? What are we to do about it as individuals and as a society? Is it self-inflicted or simply bad luck? Can we heal it or recover from it once it happens? What can I personally do to let go of my fear of madness and become more integrated? Let me know your thoughts. Thanks.

[James123]

1 hour ago, tatsumaru said:

Where does madness come from? What are we to do about it as individuals and as a society? Is it self-inflicted or simply bad luck? Can we heal it or recover from it once it happens? What can I personally do to let go of my fear of madness and become more integrated? Let me know your thoughts. Thanks.

It comes from deeply being attached to thoughts, as much as you become more attached, it gets stronger and thoughts creates your way. Because you deeply listen to them.