I guess I'll just start here

[empathysarah]

As black as black is the dead night

Is this all I can be?

Moaning while you enter me, your penis firm and erect I slide my hand up and down your shaft as I slip it inside of me

Mother Earth I hear your calls as my moans grow louder

The next morning strikes and my hair is a mess

I step into the hot shower where your cum dry from the previous night quickly re-finds its liquid form and just as quickly vanishes into the drain down some unknown mouth to suck on your cock

How many woman have you been with?

Will you call me again?

Pleasure overtook my body last night but the morning is filled with just as much energy only now I’m filled with anxiety

This pressure of love I feel wrapped up tightly against my heart

Memories of my parents forbidding me to leave my room at age 16 still weaving itself in my mind as I begin to wash my hair

Down the drain they are now 2 states away a decade later and a phone call once a month forever quiet about my inner struggles with love as I politely nod my head at our every once in a while meets about how comfortable my life is but isn't

This hangover isn't as bad as the pieces of myself I have to pick back up, other days though these love stories feel more complete 

A new day, a new guy

Better than the last, but I know

He won't be, my last

Edited April 16, 2021 by empathysarah

[empathysarah]

Antarctica is my favorite destination on earth when I am around you

The dream of you dead like a warm blanket

The pain you caused me, you have no idea how many vengeful fantasies I've had

 

 

[empathysarah]

My father, so cold and aloof

Watching him coddle my mother with the affection I never received nearly as much

I was jealous of her, my mother designed to protect her daughter

Now I just look down on her slightly, with aloofness and distance that deep down I wish she occupied with attention more than she did attention on her own mindless gossiping 

To make me into a real woman, the way she would have wanted a daughter to be

[empathysarah]

Who are you?

What makes you think you know me at all? 

You have no idea what its like to be me, what I've been through

If you could live in my body for a day you'd question your entire reality 

To have that warped experience, to feel inside of me 

I want you to but you can't

I need a man to, a man who wants to know me deeply on the inside out, someone that will hold my heart as deeply as his lungs will be crushed at the bottom of the sea

I am sorry I cannot let you in

I want to, but I'm scared

My sailor boy

 

[empathysarah]

All of this can be held in absolute cause and effect, I feel like I'm watching all of this from the beginning and end of the universe simultaneously 

[empathysarah]

Received whatsapp message from guy from last week... Ummm... pass.

[empathysarah]

You told me you wanted to be with me for the rest of my life and this is how you repay me now?

Why can't you make up your damn mind? I feel like you're one of my special students for Christ's sakes

You never repaid your debt, what have you done?

Do you know how long I've been waiting for you, do you have any idea what I've gone through to reach this point?

Huh, to think I would waste all that time on you, you're not even that great. I see myself above you now, in a way I'm glad you're gone.

Just get out of my head you don't belong here anymore. GET OUT! Go on with your fake life for all I care

Edited April 16, 2021 by empathysarah

[empathysarah]

I feel so emotional every day. I just needed to get that off my chest. Like, did you even notice me in our consciousness space when I had my back turned to you? You were meant to mirror my heart but instead you mirrored my fear of abandonment.

Edited April 16, 2021 by empathysarah

[empathysarah]

Worshipping your cock is my honour 

You are so fucking creative

Mother Earth blessed your loins well

I want your cum all over my face

Give me all of that energy you have, show me how you can transform my state with it

My heart pulsates and my mind rushes with fantasy as you whisper into my ear 

Treat me like a slave you gentlemen, stop being such a fucking gentlemen

Enter into the possibility of the universe that allows us to explore anything and everything together

Love

[empathysarah]

I earn thousands of dollars as an instagram model per month. Go me. 

But still... This empty void

[empathysarah]

shit no tampons...

---- cotton balls ladies -----

I know right but its all I have (no toilet paper either.... yep)

[empathysarah]

I want to find a guy that wants to really know me, i just feel like I'm used for sex. 

I want 1 guy. I want true undying love. A guy that will devote himself. I want to get married. I want that deep connection. I want someone really similar to me.

My fake friends, my fake life. This is all shit.

 

[empathysarah]

...Love you mom...

(we just had the best conversation we've ever had in our entire lives)

I told my mom about the therapist I've been seeing and I asked her if she wanted to come with me.

She said yes!  (so many conflicting emotions but we'll go with the last),

I know what I said above doesn't sound like I love my parents much but its just because I have a lot of unresolved tension, conflict and wounds there.

I feel so much happier now! We've got a lot of issues and I have no idea where this is going to go also I realise its going to take months to years for us to really bond but this finally gives me some hope.