I need help with humility

[King Merk]

I’ve recently come to a stark realization...

I’m arrogant as fuck.

My story starts off as many of ours did.

I was a video game nerd with extreme social anxiety. I used to pay my friends to go get me food in school because I was too scared to even talk to a cashier.

I lived on the whims of my emotions and had very little control over how I responded to situations. I lived a very destructive and devilish life.

Safe to say I had a weak and underdeveloped ego.

Roughly 10 years of personal development later, I now think I’m the hottest shit to walk planet Earth.

I’ve been meditating consistently for the last 5 years. I’ve gotten into fasting. I’m an avid psychonaught. I’m very healthy physically & have a ripped physique. I have great relationships with my friends/family and have even actualization my life purpose. Some of my clients would even call me a expert in my field.

I’m conscious enough to act humble to others on the outside and I have a certain level of awareness of my self deceptions & devilish ways.

However, in my minds eye it’s still the wild wild West of shit talking and tomfoolery.

I poo poo over every motherfucker that ain’t me. I break people down on a systems levels and see all the traps they’re falling into. I judge my elevated level of conscious as superior to those peasants who walk along in life asleep like the fat, lazy, devil sheep they are.

Until it hit me....

Holy shit. I’ve closed off. I’ve become dogmatic. I’ve become the very thing I’m trying so hard to transcend.

A DEVIL!!!

This is obviously causing issues in my life. My intimate partner and I are having quarles over it. It’s hindering my growth in my professional field and it’s restricting my ability to move towards unconditional love.

So dear reader...

Please help.

How do you avoid this pitfal of self centerdness?

How do you escape the trapping of thinking the entire universe revolves around you?

How do you remain humble while building the self up in the manner that we personal development junkies do?

I’m frustrated with where I’m at and any advice, resources or other wisdom nuggets would be greatly appreciated.

Edited April 16, 2021 by King Merk

[Snader]

As you've seen, suffering works as a feedback loop for you there. It's great to listen to that and start making action.

Seems like some part of your psyche is not as developed as some other parts, so I would suggest you to start studying psychological development. Models like Spiral Dynamics could really help you understand your own behavior and also the behavior of others and ultimately help you develop up from that toxicity you now are suffering from.

Remember not to be too harsh on yourself. In the big picture it's totally okay to be an arrogant asshole, but it's on your responsibility to do something about it if you want to overcome that suffering.

 

[King Merk]

@Snader thanks for the reply. I think the big issue is my lack of compassion.

I’ve studied spiral dynamics and other developmental models. That’s actually one of the ways I “prove” my superiority to others to myself. By placing myself above them on the spiral.

Which logically I know is a mistake but I do it nonetheless. 

I also appreciate the reminder not to be too harsh on myself. If I’m being real with you, my lack of compassion for others is probably a reflection of my lack of compassion for myself.

[Snader]

3 hours ago, King Merk said:

my lack of compassion for others is probably a reflection of my lack of compassion for myself.

Yeah most likely.

Have you thought about your childhood? Maybe it has something to do with that.

[EddieEddie1995]

I realized that my arogance was just deffence mechanism. Fear of rejection was hiding there. Not enough self love hehe. 

When you love yourself enough you will not have to prove anyone anything (just started to understand that one). And even if when you break them down (analyze/solve) like I do, this is just a game that I play in my own head. If they need advice they will ask for it.

And it doesn't mean that if you are smart, that you are automatically arogant. Have feedback from others. See what they think of your behaviour  

You located the issue. Now keep brining awarness on it and contemplate about it. What did I say? Why? How will this help others? What is arrogance? What is compassion? How can I be more compassionate? 

Maybe compassion means you need to slap yoor friend out from deludion, even though he will be mad at you  

 

[AdamDiC]

Get better friends lol.

A turd can shine next to devils.

Surround yourself with successful people, masters, sages, then see how you feel.

And just let a lot of the inner talk go, see it arise, become aware of the emotions and just let them go consciously.

It's very normal to feel these things, just don't get sidetracked and keep doing the work.

Good luck.

[Reciprocality]

@King Merk I think that if one has sufficient reason to be arrogant there is no time left in the day for thoughts so readily obsessed with being the one for which such reasons are subjected.

By which logic arrogance could very much be primarily a mask of insecurity as already alluded to by@EddieEddie1995.

You forsee humbleness as a potential remedy, but i think also this is silly as a goal in itself. If you are not already humble where it is due, then do not try to micromanage it as though painting a same picture a hundred times, never to be satisfied. Question rather the foundation for the desire for such managing at all, in this i think we can in the power of us being human change the picture from KNOWING its colors.

However: maybe the behaviour of yours is not arrogant, that rather it is this idea which comes from fear from being judged. And maybe arrogance is to be desired, and if not neccesaily accepted? 

[Topspin715]

In my life, I've found that my arrogance gets checked when (A) I experience failure and have to re-evaluate how good I am at something (B)  My arrogance is getting in the way of something else I care about more.

 

For example, if I really valued my friendship with certain people but they were annoyed with me because of my selfish attitude, I would consciously decide that I cared more about the strength of the friendship and deprioritize my instinct to be selfish or narcissistic or arrogant or whatever.

I'm not sure it is so easy to stop being XYZ just because you think it is an undesirable trait.  If you are a narcissist and don't have any real trade off, you'll prob continue being narcissistic.  But what has happened to me is I'll go on an ego trip so far that it becomes self-destructive and then I'll defer my own ego needs to satisfy those of others (thus benefitting me even more indirectly). 

[EddieEddie1995]

@Reciprocality

5 hours ago, Reciprocality said:

 Question rather the foundation for the desire for such managing at all, in this i think we can in the power of us being human change the picture from KNOWING its colors.

Some peope cannot question the fundation right away. You start with simple questions. 

Compassion can be mixed with many agendas and fears. It takes time to polish it... don't you think?

5 hours ago, Reciprocality said:

However: maybe the behaviour of yours is not arrogant, that rather it is this idea which comes from fear from being judged. And maybe arrogance is to be desired, and if not neccesaily accepted? 

It is definitely from fear of being judged. And it is automatic defense mechanism where I show myself like I dont care, but oh I do care! I hidden myself behind arogance my whole life. I masered it, and now Im gonna use it

And yes, it is desired becouse Im starting to not really care and I use this arogance for: getting attention (I want to reach millions ), , for integrating and expressing various arhetypes like: wise/fool, magician, and especially the trikster, seeming interestimg, smart etc.  ?

I like Peter Relson. Can you not like hes arogance?  Leo's also, but you can see him holding it... just so your fregile ego could watch it... well, guess what, eddie is done trying to fit anybody's expectations. Eddie is out of the fucking box! And I am inspiring you to do it also! (Im not talking to you directly, people read and learn what they need)

Also, you have 100% Authenticity with me! So  much self-love can look narcissistic, and my narcissism comes with capital letter  N, so enjoy it or beat it

 It is rere to find  humble and compassionate person like me. And you can definitely see this when talking with me in person (I will offer first free coaching sessions soon) and we can talk ? but here, shut the f up, snowflake ? hahaha 

 

You see, even the way I reply in this thred comes from arogance and  my automatic thoughts where I perceive it like someone is attacking me, and I try to defend it. This was unconscious for me until recently. 

I seeked love and acceptance, but my arrogance (defense mech.) is pushing people away... and the circle continues...

 

For examole I felt rejected from the forum few months ago when I was going through awakening process. Only few people wrote in my posts, few thought I was bipolar, and most of you thought that I was loosing it. I really needed someone to talk to but I got even banned for posting. So... here comes Arogance Especially for the "spirituality evolved people". My primary target  ?

 

Edited April 17, 2021 by EddieEddie1995

[Batman]

Do you really believe you are all those things?

I think you are confusing who you really are with some self-concept you have about yourself, which is what is causing you to feel so separated and judgmental toward the 'other'. 

Good luck.

[Nahm]

Awareness is aware of thought, perception, and sensation. 

What is the ‘you’ that is being built up?  Which is arrogant? Which knows about spiral dynamics etc?

Is that ‘you’ within sensation?  Do you see that ‘you’? 

Take the focus off what you’re saying for a while, and look for, inspect, in a literal sense, what you’re talking about. 

[Reciprocality]

9 hours ago, EddieEddie1995 said:

@Reciprocality

Some peope cannot question the fundation right away. You start with simple questions. 

Compassion can be mixed with many agendas and fears. It takes time to polish it... don't you think?

I would not conflate circomstances and placement for compassion, (objects associated with its occurance) with the actual thing itself. In this way i do NOT think compassion is something to be polished, only a growing desire which in its growth do not only have a causal relationship with objects it passes by. 

Now in the sense that compassion is an act, an occurent energetic transaction it can be polished ofcourse. But these things can even be unrelated to the desire itself. I am sure that compassion CAN, and many times will be growing paralelled with the 'polishing' of actions, but even there i hesitate to point out a cause.

9 hours ago, EddieEddie1995 said:

It is definitely from fear of being judged. And it is automatic defense mechanism where I show myself like I dont care, but oh I do care! I hidden myself behind arogance my whole life. I masered it, and now Im gonna use it

And yes, it is desired becouse Im starting to not really care and I use this arogance for: getting attention (I want to reach millions ), , for integrating and expressing various arhetypes like: wise/fool, magician, and especially the trikster, seeming interestimg, smart etc.  ?

I like Peter Relson. Can you not like hes arogance?  Leo's also, but you can see him holding it... just so your fregile ego could watch it... well, guess what, eddie is done trying to fit anybody's expectations. Eddie is out of the fucking box! And I am inspiring you to do it also! (Im not talking to you directly, people read and learn what they need)

Also, you have 100% Authenticity with me! So  much self-love can look narcissistic, and my narcissism comes with capital letter  N, so enjoy it or beat it

 It is rere to find  humble and compassionate person like me. And you can definitely see this when talking with me in person (I will offer first free coaching sessions soon) and we can talk ? but here, shut the f up, snowflake ? hahaha 

 

You see, even the way I reply in this thred comes from arogance and  my automatic thoughts where I perceive it like someone is attacking me, and I try to defend it. This was unconscious for me until recently. 

I seeked love and acceptance, but my arrogance (defense mech.) is pushing people away... and the circle continues...

 

For examole I felt rejected from the forum few months ago when I was going through awakening process. Only few people wrote in my posts, few thought I was bipolar, and most of you thought that I was loosing it. I really needed someone to talk to but I got even banned for posting. So... here comes Arogance Especially for the "spirituality evolved people". My primary target  ?

 

Well, i am not so sure how to respond to this but can not deny i enjoy your energy and specificaly the way you understand arrogance, although you seem incredibly self-centric. 

It does not need to be such an awful thing, and can indeed sort away fragile egos. : )

[EddieEddie1995]

@Reciprocality Self-centric indeed! ? 

I think I understood what you are trying to say... correct me if im wrong

And thank you for kind comments ?

Ofcourse you can not think yourself into being compassionate (you can try and fake it ), same like you cannot think yourself out of fear. You need to face it. But that doesn't mean thinking cannot reduce it. 

You cannot become a millioner right away. Fake it till you make it! hahah

You cannot become Enlightened right away. But thinking of becoming Enlightened is what actually get you there where spiritual ego is necessary step ? 

 

 

[King Merk]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

Awareness is aware of thought, perception, and sensation. 

What is the ‘you’ that is being built up?  Which is arrogant? Which knows about spiral dynamics etc?

Is that ‘you’ within sensation?  Do you see that ‘you’? 

Take the focus off what you’re saying for a while, and look for, inspect, in a literal sense, what you’re talking about. 

Great questions. I can definitely see my getting stuck in self concepts with all this...

And thank you to everyone else for contributing to the conversation.

Although now I’m even more confused...

Should I be arrogant? Should I be self-centered? Should I be humble? Should I be self-less? Who is this “I” that is doing all this shoulding? Should I should? What the hell is going on. 

LOL.

Fuck if I know. 

[EddieEddie1995]

@King Merk Ahahahahha! There you go!

The ultimate point is for us to be authentic. If you are authenticly arogant like me, then be it. Be It! 

How to be authentic is the first question you should ask! 

Enjoy the process ?❤

[King Merk]

@EddieEddie1995 I think focusing on more authenticity is a great place to start. Thanks bro(:

❤️

Edited April 17, 2021 by King Merk

[DIDego]

My English skill are  still on the raise, until that level of skill arrives to be able the expressions in texting.

I will use a video that i feel are related to this topic.

 

 

[Nahm]

8 hours ago, King Merk said:

Great questions. I can definitely see my getting stuck in self concepts with all this...

And thank you to everyone else for contributing to the conversation.

Although now I’m even more confused...

Should I be arrogant? Should I be self-centered? Should I be humble? Should I be self-less? Who is this “I” that is doing all this shoulding? Should I should? What the hell is going on. 

Those are still thoughts about you, how a you should be. What comes off to others as arrogance, from your perspective would be more readily recognized as ignorance and delusion. I don’t mean that in any sense these are shortcomings, just thought attachment you aren’t aware of yet, so to speak. Thoughts don’t define you. Most people are aware of this. That’s the arrogance factor, which you might be seeing other people are aware of. It’s not that you are ‘the hottest shit to walk planet earth’, or that you are higher conscious than anyone. It’s that you’re believing thoughts about you are really about you, or, identifying with ideas of you. Feeling the burn, or suffering...but rationalizing with ‘self deception & devilish ways’ and justifying with ‘I had a weak and undeveloped ego’. Those are all still just thoughts / concepts. 

[hyruga]

Read ego is the enemy.