The paradoxes of dating while seeking self actualization

[Theprofessional]

Pardon me for the edginess this post will contain.

Hello everyone. I am a 20-year-old college student, and there is something I need to share that has been on my mind for about a month now, and that is the dilemma of seeking out relationships while on the path to creating an enlightened, actualized life.

As we all know Western culture is very toxic, and very anti-enlightenment. We tend to value materialism and status over everything else, which sends most people on empty journeys throughout their life which are very unfulfilling at the end of the day.

So, I've found that the best solution to combating this toxic culture is to have a very select group of friends and people I spend my time around. The times when I've had the most friends and tried to integrate myself the most into the "college lifestyle" are the times that I've felt the lowest and most depressed in my life. Going to lots of huge parties, drinking all the time, doing random hook-ups... it's very soul-sucking, and doesn't hold a candle to spending time studying my passions and hobbies.

This brings me to the paradox of looking for a relationship while seeking to set up an actualized life at this age. I know nobody's perfect, but so far the girls I've dated have been locked into believing in the toxic values our society holds, and I haven't been able to find someone who is trying to see past all that and is trying to live an actualized life. Maybe I've just been looking in the wrong places, but I've found that most people my age simply want to smoke weed, get their degree, and live an easy lifestyle, which has made looking for relationships very discouraging. In the relationships I've had, there's always been a moment where my partner finds out about my inclinations and ambitions (meditation routines, long term goal-setting, self help book list, etc) and there's a disconnect where they suddenly think I'm a quack. I've even had one relationship where my partner directly discouraged me from living my life this way... needless to say that  one didn't last much longer after that.

What do I do? Do I just keep looking for someone on the same page as me, or should I just tune it out until I'm a little older?

 

[universe]

Location, Location, Location! Don't be surprised to meet party folks at a party. Look up some self-improvement-, meditation- or yoga groups.

It will get better as you get older.

Also look at how you feel about your future plans. Maybe your girlfriends just mirrored your own doubts and insecurities surrounding them?

[Strangeloop]

I found this as a problem too, I was on both sides, where I didn't have any friends but actualized a lot like daily meditation, exercise, fasting, work. But no girlfriend. 

And now I have a girlfriend but my "actualizing" went down. I still do it, but on a slower pace.

I think there needs to be a balance. Don't get caught too much in the dating life, while also making sure you are actualizing your life.

But then again if you haven't dated for your whole life your actualization can actually be the dating life in of itself. 

Depends on what you are looking/missing from life.

[Parththakkar12]

20 hours ago, Theprofessional said:

Pardon me for the edginess this post will contain.

Hello everyone. I am a 20-year-old college student, and there is something I need to share that has been on my mind for about a month now, and that is the dilemma of seeking out relationships while on the path to creating an enlightened, actualized life.

As we all know Western culture is very toxic, and very anti-enlightenment. We tend to value materialism and status over everything else, which sends most people on empty journeys throughout their life which are very unfulfilling at the end of the day.

So, I've found that the best solution to combating this toxic culture is to have a very select group of friends and people I spend my time around. The times when I've had the most friends and tried to integrate myself the most into the "college lifestyle" are the times that I've felt the lowest and most depressed in my life. Going to lots of huge parties, drinking all the time, doing random hook-ups... it's very soul-sucking, and doesn't hold a candle to spending time studying my passions and hobbies.

This brings me to the paradox of looking for a relationship while seeking to set up an actualized life at this age. I know nobody's perfect, but so far the girls I've dated have been locked into believing in the toxic values our society holds, and I haven't been able to find someone who is trying to see past all that and is trying to live an actualized life. Maybe I've just been looking in the wrong places, but I've found that most people my age simply want to smoke weed, get their degree, and live an easy lifestyle, which has made looking for relationships very discouraging. In the relationships I've had, there's always been a moment where my partner finds out about my inclinations and ambitions (meditation routines, long term goal-setting, self help book list, etc) and there's a disconnect where they suddenly think I'm a quack. I've even had one relationship where my partner directly discouraged me from living my life this way... needless to say that  one didn't last much longer after that.

What do I do? Do I just keep looking for someone on the same page as me, or should I just tune it out until I'm a little older?

 

I can't tell you what to do, I can tell you what I'm doing.

I think that a good idea relative to dating when you're self-actualizing is to find a partner to self-actualize with. Have a relationship in which you are self-actualizing together.

The way you go about doing that is to :

• First stay single for a sizeable amount of time, a few years and work on yourself, grow yourself, prepare yourself to have a relationship.
• Then, you date and you get done with the dating-process as quickly as possible. Design the most pragmatic and efficient dating-process to test for whether the given woman will be a compatible match to you or not when it comes to self-actualization.
• Waste no time with the wrong people!
• Be open to relationships that don't feel that great on the surface, like the girl you're seeing isn't the hottest ever, but your relationship is strong and you get along well. Growth doesn't always feel good but if you're able to grow together, that's what you want to go for.
• Prioritize self-actualization over any relationship. Use relationships as a tool to self-actualize as opposed to using the self-actualization process to line you up with 'The One'. You can use the self-actualization process to get laid more though and to better your game with women.

Edited April 16, 2021 by Parththakkar12

[Axiomatic]

stop overthinking this shit