Confused, pacing around mindlessly

[WonderSeeker]

Hi all. Normally I avoid posting about spiritual 'troubles,' because I usually assume that it's normal suffering that comes with the path, and that I can resolve it myself. But this time I can really use some pointers. Anything is appreciated. 

I've been getting bogged-down with deep existential realities lately. I feel a great sense of dread for having chosen this path. Even though I am wiser, and more loving toward others, all of this is taking a serious toll on me. Here are some concrete examples:

• I am pacing around aimlessly, forgetting what I'm even doing in life all of the time. Doing every-day survival stuff is difficult.
• Over half of the time I walk into a room and forget why I even did so in the first place. I feel very confused and turbulent, as if I have low-grade dementia.
• My mind is perpetually in existensial-questioning mode, such that I'm having trouble reading books or working on pet-projects, which I genuinely want to focus on.
• I just feel a great sense of not-knowing with everything. I feel like I'm on the brink of enlightenment, but there's still that last bit of resistance which is causing a lot of doubt and internal pain.
• I feel like I want to let out emotions, but nothing is arising. I feel dead inside. My heart feels like it's rotting.

My intuition tells me that I'm just tired and need to get more rest. I'm a graduate student, so that's already enough business to take care of. I just began a 2-week break from meditation, since beginning the habit 14 months ago. I'm not really sure what else to do. I'm planning for a psychedelic trip soon to 'reset' my mind and experience love, because I feel like I've been having trouble with that dimension as of late. 

~

 

[LastThursday]

With regards to your second point, you're not alone:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-walking-through-doorway-makes-you-forget/

I would say take a break, not just from meditation, but from spirituality altogether. I've noticed within myself there's a kind of spiritual momentum which builds up over time. Sometimes that momentum is too much, because you need time to process and embody the changes and insights. Try just doing normal every day things - and be with people especially - for a month or two and put spirituality on hold. The momentum will still carry you through the break and out the other side.

[BlackMaze]

Do you work out? If you start running i'm sure things will improve. 

[karkaore]

@WonderSeeker Simply follow the feeling. Do things that make you feel good. Relax, have a lough, go out with a friend or something. ?

[WonderSeeker]

@LastThursday Thank you for the advice, I seriously needed that. It's funny how easy it is to build a logic of "If I meditate, use binaural beats, and do breath-work, X-times per week, then I'll become God." Then you crash and burn. I'll give myself a whole month away from all of it. 

@BlackMaze I do run, and it feels awesome. Haven't gone in about a week though. Good reminder!

1 hour ago, karkaore said:

Simply follow the feeling.

@karkaore Always the best way to be! Thanks~