How do I kill myself?

[caspex]

I need help. I have no idea how to surrender to 'the ox'. I have no idea how to kill myself. I see so much of my egoic tricks and it's so fucking disgusting.

But ofcourse then I realize, me feeling disgusted of my egoic tricks is also an egoic trick. I see that I am the reason for all suffering and I NEED to kill myself. I have been trying to understand myself by focussing on the one focussing so much but it seems to be getting nowhere.

 All my previous realizations were bullshit ego games mixed in with little bit of mystical experience and truth. 

I do not have access to any substances and I am too young for that. All I got is meditation and self-contemplation. I am also very impatient and I don't know how to deal with that. 

I need help. How do I die. Please tell some tips and advice. I'll keep on meditating on myself. 

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by Swarnim

[BlackMaze]

When you decide to live only in the now you die. To actually do this feels like dying. 

[lmfao]

You're in an intense and personal place rn. I have nothing much to say other than, I hope your process here goes well for you. 

My latest contemplative/meditative "insight" is that "surrender" is the same thing as "not-knowing". Upon seeing your experience with complete honesty and truthfulness, you see that you create all sorts of words, labels, concepts, narratives to experience.

But the truth of the matter is, we don't know anything. 

To admit and be aware that you don't know is to surrender your beliefs, opinions, narratives and positionalities. Our not-knowing is the ground for humility and surrender. And so you surrender, taking the leap in faith. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by lmfao

[Tim R]

@Swarnim Dude, how about you take it easy? Why this hurry?

[GreenLight]

Having the kundalini raised between the brows will definitely "kill you" atleast temporarily. No ego games will work when it happens.

Edited April 15, 2021 by GreenLight
A self-loving action was the ignition for me to get it raised there

[Dark_White]

@Swarnim got into the same pattern, you know what helped. This video! Check it out. Also try to slow down. You're like making the water more and more mud, try to be still. Give up all your tricks, that would be the greatest trick to discover it.

 

[mandyjw]

@Dark_White ?❤

@Swarnim Fall completely and totally in love with your life. Appreciate everything and everyone as it is. Meet feelings of suffering with curiosity and openness knowing that the suffering is a misunderstanding, and if we seek to understand it through the means to an end seeking motivation of wanting to avoid it, like the ox, it cannot show itself to us.

[Beginner Mind]

It might be helpful to realize that your ego may always be present, and your desire to be rid of it is causing unnecessary suffering.

[Guest EmptyVase]

In my clearest moments ego was always present. I don't know what it looks like when you're 'full-blown enlightened', but it seems to me like it is much more of a dispossession from ego, rather than complete ego annihilation. I could be totally wrong though.

But that leads to another great question.. do ego and enlightenment contradict each other? Some say that only finite minds like to see separation..

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Swarnim said:

How do I kill myself?

I need help. I have no idea how to surrender to 'the ox'. I have no idea how to kill myself. I see so much of my egoic tricks and it's so fucking disgusting.

But ofcourse then I realize, me feeling disgusted of my egoic tricks is also an egoic trick. I see that I am the reason for all suffering and I NEED to kill myself. I have been trying to understand myself by focussing on the one focussing so much but it seems to be getting nowhere.

 All my previous realizations were bullshit ego games mixed in with little bit of mystical experience and truth. 

I do not have access to any substances and I am too young for that. All I got is meditation and self-contemplation. I am also very impatient and I don't know how to deal with that. 

I need help. How do I die. Please tell some tips and advice. I’ll keep on meditating on myself. 

Begin to recognize what self referential thinking is. Thoughts aren’t about you, they just seem like it out of habit. If it was a bunch of thinking about a tree, at least you could point to what you’re talking about. 

Self Inquiry instead. 

[Batman]

I sense that you are very much 'stuck' in your own mind. It is very common.

I would suggest meditation to chill this turmoil. 

[WaveInTheOcean]

Smoke 40 mg DMT

[Leo Gura]

@Swarnim This kind of egoic agressiveness is counter-productive.

Slow down, cultivate patience, practice self-love/self-compassion, and enjoy the journey.

You are in too much of a rush to awaken.

[Carl-Richard]

You die when you feel OK with being alive.

Edited April 15, 2021 by Carl-Richard

[snowyowl]

Feel for you man, I reckon you need hugs more than words, here's one virtually   Forget about the Ox, just try surrendering to your breath instead, and relax. Then try going  through your original post, replacing 'kill' and 'die' with 'love'. How does that feel? 

Edited April 15, 2021 by snowyowl

[Tim R]

41 minutes ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

Smoke 40 mg DMT

Isn't that a bit too much??

[Nemra]

@Swarnim I feel you. When I knew that there was a more "quick" way to mystical experiences and awakening I started thinking about forgetting spirituality. It was one of the worst things that happened to me, because, like you, I don't have access to substances. But later it became obvious that I didn't care about the truth.

All I can say is to sit and realize that you know nothing.

Edited April 15, 2021 by Understander

[traveler]

If "you" kill "yourself," who are "you"? If you die and are aware of it, who dies? And if you die and are not a aware of it, who dies? 

The search to kill yourself is actually an avoidance of death. 

[The Buddha]

The occult knowledge would suggest u to transform little by little yourself. Evolving day by day and living in that. What u desire is one of the last steps, where you are is one of the first steps. The one that transforms everything in his life and finds the perfect balance in all the cycles is one who has obtained wisdom. The one who does this gracefully and without effort is one who has obtained mastery. The one who has understood this has obtained great knowledge.

[Sempiternity]

6 hours ago, Swarnim said:

I do not have access to any substances and I am too young for that. All I got is meditation and self-contemplation. 

Just to add a another perspective. If you are this dedicated to Awakening, and are willing to do literally anything to achieve it, then you will do anything to get substances like 5-MEO-DMT or DPT. You could fully dedicate yourself to getting a travel visa to go to a country where it is legal. If you were this serious, you'd be willing to walk thousands of miles to find it. How far would you go to find the holy grail? Then, once you find it, it's a matter of if you have the balls to go all in and surrender to Infinity once you take the substance? So how dedicated are you to Awakening?