The rose that grew from concrete

[Preety_India]

This is a struggle I must fight. 

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

This morning I was thinking about something. It was really strange. A strange thing happened. I always go through psychic coincidences. This is one of many. 

I was planning of a title for my journal

This journal. It was supposed to be about my struggle through poverty and problems. About facing bad situations and making good. 

(I'm facing great financial problems right now. Things have become bad since my mother was hospitalized a few months ago). 

And then I suddenly thought of the phrase "a rose growing through concrete." it applied to me perfectly. Because I was a struggler all my life, in school, in home, in all the poor abusive dysfunctional family I was born into, seeing my dad suffer problems after problems, succumbing to the abuse and dysfunction. There was a lot of pain I was carrying. 

Poverty also had a huge impact on me. My mother telling me that she didn't have money for baby formula when I was a child. Things like that. 

The poor neighborhood where I grew up and did good in school despite all the problems. 

I see myself as a rose emerging through concrete, struggling and fighting to make my hustle in life. 

My father didn't have the money for his illness. It was hard to me to watch that. 

And when I thought I would write a journal to document all my struggles and emotions, I was just randomly browsing through stuff. 

And there It was. I had been doing a lot of research on Tupac in the last couple of days because I was writing rap lyrics and I wanted some inspiration for my Rap Lyrics journal from the Biggies of Rap world.. 

The story of Tupac had touched a chord inside of me. I wanted to rap about him. I was also interested in researching the black community in detail. I wanted to know a lot of stuff. 

And suddenly I came across these words by Tupac -" rose that grew through concrete. "

I couldn't believe my eyes. What was I reading? Just an hour before  reading those words, I had decided to name my journal "a rose in concrete" and here I'm reading the same thing by Tupac????

This was the strangest coincidence. I had been thinking about Tupac for the last 3 days, I broke down many times and I cried a lot. His story mirrored  my story. The only difference was that his dad wasn't with him, but my dad was, although in a very tragic way. 

It felt like Tupac was talking to me from beyond the grave. I have had such things happen in my life before where I felt I was getting signs from unknown things and strange incidents happening that had a connection with my childhood. 

Maybe Tupac wanted to give me a sign? 

Maybe he was telling me that he had a similar life of betrayals and tragedies and it's okay if it is that bad, you gotta live what you gotta live. 

Maybe his message was that I was a rose in concrete just like him, born in poverty and tragedy, but still growing and retaining some good??? 

And even if the rose died, no problem man. The rose lived how much it could. 

I survived my life of brutality and abuse for so long. 

Maybe I won't make it to the end. Maybe I will succumb to my illnesses just like my father did. 

I always have this fear that I will die the way my father died. He didn't have a long life. The misery he endured shortened his life span. He took a lot of abuse from his father, that is my grandfather. My father was mercilessly beaten up as a child, just the way I was beaten up as a child. 

My life mirrored my father's life. He had an abusive wife who he could not stand up to. The same person who abused me as well. 

I remember holding my father's hand in the hospital. His body became stiff. I was a teenager. I couldn't believe what was happening with him. He was going cold. The hospital rushed him to the ICU 

He was born with a weak heart. I was born with a weak heart.. 

I was born with the same health problems that he had all his life. 

The doctor told me that he wouldn't survive if he had been 5 mins late to the ICU 

I saw a lot of things as a child and a teen that I shouldn't have. 

 

I remember holding my dead father's hand and asking his forgiveness because I felt guilty that I couldn't protect him from the vicious abuse that he went through in his short life. 

But I was too young and too small to even understand what was going on. How could I protect him when I was just a teen? 

He died before I could become an adult. 

 

 

(this was very emotional) 

 

 

Maybe Tupac was trying to tell me "it is oK"..... It is ok to go through shit in life.. 

Maybe Tupac was trying to tell me that life happens. Shit happens. You be a rose that always grows. Life is not within our control. We always wish things were different. But the struggle is real. The hustle is real. You gotta to take it even if it's hard. 

 

I'm crying so much right now. Tupac really helped me today 

 

Even from the grave. Man I know it's hard. 

 

 

 

 

You were a rose in concrete Tupac. Stay blessed. RIP legend. 

 

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So this is how I felt today. 

It was a lot to process with the past coming up over and over. 

This realization only hit me since 2017 since I did my first shadow work. 

I was beginning to realize for the first time how much my childhood had impacted me. 

Wish I could rewrite things. 

 

[Preety_India]

I know I have written this many times in my journal. 

But saying it again. 

This forum is full of BS people. Like all the time. I'm so freaking tired. 

Anybody can make an account here just to harass someone. This is the biggest drawback of this forum. It makes it very cheap, although it's not the fault of this website itself, rather the nature of internet. 

Case in point. 

A few days ago I was responding to a thread in the Society Section regarding false rape. And out of nowhere a person drops in to tell me that they had been falsely accused. And I'm wondering what are the chances of such a thing happening. It felt weird and bogus. I checked the account. 

It was someone who had just created their account 5 mins prior to my comment on the thread. I called him out for making a bogus duplicate account and he admitted that it was a throwaway account. 

Mods must have read it, I don't even care if they didn't.

But I was thinking to myself, how easy it is to simply make a throwaway account just to bully someone for their opinion. 

This is what made my position on the forum quite vulnerable. 

They can make as many accounts as they want to simply bully and abuse a person and then log off. Nobody would even know if it's one person doing this. 

 

This reminded me of a cyber bullying incident that happened a few years ago which I narrated in another journal where a guy who was in love with me created 17 accounts to reply to me and harass me. 

It was the strangest experience that made me realize how vulnerable I was being on the internet. 

Literally anyone can do anything to you. 

 

. 

 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I understand that I'm quite antagonistic with people especially online. 

In real life, I can be very different. 

But do I regret this? 

Why? 

Because this way, I sometimes end up avoiding the wrong kind of people from being in my zone. 

I can't be blamed. Internet trains me to have the least bit of trust in people  i interact with.. 

It's impossible. 

If you are going to be malicious to me, I will figure it out either way. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

Do I deserve

to be harassed, bullied

and abused just

because I have an opinion? 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

It's like a woman living in Saudi Arabia writing about her experiences living in Saudi Arabia. 

Would it really benefit? 

Its kinda awkward. 

I should only do it if I have public confidence and if I am a popular personality like a public figure. 

Or else it's foolish. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

   I'm too scared to write my experience as an Indian woman. Too scared. I still have that fear - "what if?" 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I still remember that Indian guy on this forum who pushed me to give up my fears. 

And when I did, he treated me so badly that I was traumatized for a whole week. 

For 1 week I couldn't sleep. 

It was so traumatizing. 

It's like my Indian guy trauma hits again. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I see a huge problem with Indian women. They don't support each other. And that's the biggest problem. 

They don't stick with each other. So injustices continue. 

That's the root cause of the whole problem. 

Only if Indian women actually behaved like sisters. I can only wish. 

 

Indian women play games with each other. I don't like it. 

Even black women and white women don't do this to their own. 

 

Indian women betray each other all the time and that hurts me deep.. 

There is no love between them. 

Not the way white women are with each other or black women. These women have empathy for each other. 

 

Even native American and Mexican women. 

But not Indian women. 

That just boggles my mind. It's terrible thing  to deal with. 

 

Like can't you just jump out of your manipulative all so secretive persona and just act normal sometimes? 

 

Do you really have to be most secretive and Desired woman at all times at the expense of other women???????? 

I never understood the bullshit logic of Indian women. 

 

This is what hurts Indian culture. 

 

However some Indian women are pretty frank and good. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Will I ever see two Indian women in a single video like Cardi B and Megan thee Stallion??????????? 

No way. Indian women act like bitches to one another. 

Sometimes I feel black culture is better than Indian culture. 

I have felt more accepted by black women than by Indian women. 

And this shit has nothing to do with skin color. It's about attitude. The Indian attitude is kinda shitty. Full of false pride. 

Black people are more humble. 

Other women can chill out with each other. Indian women can't. And this keeps our culture in a perpetual state of static.. 

That's why Indians are so unhappy even if they have wealth. 

 

It will take ages for Indians to be that open. It's not a symptom of the mind. It's a symptom of the heart.

 

These aren't good hearted people. 

 

 

There has to be something horribly wrong with a society where a woman feels terribly scared to express her opinions. 

 

When was the last time that I had a wholesome laughter with an Indian person just chilling out? It never happened. 

I swear I will have a happier time sitting and chilling with a black person 

 

I understand that humanity is greedy. But at least not show it so openly. 

 

At least we can chill??? 

And embrace selfishness and not act like hypocrites? 

I swear when we don't embrace our shadow selves and continue to revel in spiritual ego, we become the biggest hypocrites. 

It's God's way of showing the mirror. 

Black women easily embrace one another and get along. 

Indian women act like Kylie Jenner. Oh so special!!!! 

 

[Preety_India]

The whole hypocrisy with Eastern women is amazing to watch. 

Western women are far more open in that sense 

 

You don't have to deal with this struggle with a woman who is always trying to be some secret goddess. 

Tired of what women do to each other. Tired of this shit. 

I take comfort in the arms of a white woman or a black woman. Any western woman. They are a breath of fresh air. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I don't have no fear of death. My only fear is coming back reincarnated.- tupac

 

[Preety_India]