Much needed advice about psychology, "good vs. evil" & God

[5-D - L O V E]

I'm aware that the title is broad, but I only started this thread after much reflection and not coming to real answers by myself, so I decided to seek any help I can find, knowing that no one I can reach to physically can help me, be it a therapist, friends, or even through deep meditation and some breakthrough psychedelic journeys (by help, I mean guidance, cues about where and how to look for answers). I'll try to give the maximum amount of detail in the coming phrases.

I'm a 27y.o male, living somewhere in Africa, I grew up without a father and in a neglected family situation... never felt loved, appreciated or accepted for who I really am. And that made me turn inwards from a really young age, I was always quite, introspective, and I always saw through things, I came to some pretty deep insights about the nature of reality & God at a relatively young age (around 15 and even before) and that made me "immune" to the religious dogmas that existed around me. So in that sense, my "situation" was the catalyst that forged me. 

In that sense, I over developed in certain areas (mainly spirituality and artistic expression) but I could never put any of my talents into what I feel would be a real, tangible use, to put lightly, I always felt that I was psychologically fucked up from the get go, and no matter how much I try, I can't transform into who/what I wanna be, who I really am.

About a year ago I had two massive LSD journeys in the span of one month, through these experiences I achieved a total non dual state, I was preparing for this (consciously) prior to that for the better part of the 2 years that preceeded those experiences, I knew exactly what I was doing since I saw how all the parts of the [meta-encompassing-system] worked, I HAVE FAITH, COURAGE, LOVE, (not to praise my ego, I have my share of flaws too obviously..) anyway, I feel like I had the answers I was looking for, I had them before, and they keep coming to me, but I can't bridge the infinite nature of consciousness, creation, expansion, with my everyday output, I know that there's no single answer that would act like a magical charm for me, but I feel limited, powerless, resentful and frustrated with my life.

I have issues accepting certain parts of who I am, things I've been through, and sometimes I just go into total neglectedness (or self sabotage), like I just hope I would dissolve into nothingness, and I feel that would be the only REAL healing I can have.

I lost faith in the ways of life, and I'm confused.. a lot. What I've been dealing with lately (and I don't know if this is a lie I keep telling myself, a game my ego is playing) is the fact that good & evil are seen in the same light through God, and that is making me uneasy to be around (even to myself). The way I see it is that integration of the dark side should be carried on with in the same way that light would be integrated.

To avoid being misunderstood, I'm not thinking about commiting any violent acts or criminal activities. But sometimes I react in extreme ways.. And those feel totally justified.

I know that many of things I said can be seen as serious psychological red flags, but it's not really, I can find my balance most of the time (by lowering my energies), but whenever I try to channel any sort of big energy to do anything "worthwhile" I crash. I don't believe in the zen way of simplicity either, I know what I want but I can't seem to get it.

So my final question is, should I just totally give up? if so how can I do it? I know I am mainly fuelled by fantasies, but the way I see it is that reality permits everything as long one can and knows how to do it. Is this idea false? are we ultimately not free in deciding who we're becoming? Because the more time goes, the more this idea gets stuck in my mind that not only I should be COMPLETELY free to be who I always felt I am, and give my biggest contribution to the world, but that I should find a way to do it on my own terms, and only then shall I find peace, or atleast a semblance of it.. waiting for the real thing. 

I'm aware of the mash of words I just wrote (sorry for the confusion), it may would've been better to separate these issues into separate threads, but in my head it's really the same thing, all the issues I mentionned are related. In the end I just hope to get any insight I can have about any of the things I mentionned.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Leo Gura]

You didn't really ask any clear questions. So how can you expect to get clear answers? You just sort of rambled on about your life. To get quality advice you must ask quality questions.

9 hours ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

Because the more time goes, the more this idea gets stuck in my mind that not only I should be COMPLETELY free to be who I always felt I am, and give my biggest contribution to the world, but that I should find a way to do it on my own terms, and only then shall I find peace, or atleast a semblance of it.. waiting for the real thing.

Yes, this is good and you should pursue that. Build your life. Build a custom life that suits you.

If sounds like you need basic self-help work more than spiritual work. Ground yourself in real life and discipline yourself to create material results.

[Hello from Russia]

Just follow your personal bliss and you'll figure out everything rather quickly

After all, you came to this life to be uniquely you, so own your uniqueness and don't let other people gaslight you/Bailey you

[Eternity]

Well, you've run into a log jam it seems.  From your description of how these experiences have impacted you, it sounds as if the ego is mixed up with your interpretation of your experiences.  It doesn't take a hugely long time to see through the ego traps, but you will encounter what is called the dark night of the soul usually when you are close to realization.  It sounds like you are experiencing it afterward.  The ego will put up a struggle as you begin to push it into a corner.  It never wants to be side lined because it senses it will die if it is seen through.  You talk about your ideas of how you want to play out a grand plan you had.  That sounds like it is straight from ego.  You are very attached to your grand plan, also an ego quality.  Letting go is something that the ego self must learn.  And if you don't learn to do it, this back and forth will be a problem until you do.  You see, it is hard to let God consciousness guide you with ego shouting in your ear.  But practice whatever discipline you like to quiet the chattering ego, and you will begin to trust that your grand plan may not be the most grand plan at all.  God consciousness, if you listen to that quiet voice, the insistent prodding of your still quiet gut feelings, you will come to see that, in the end, there was a better plan for you, better than any that the ego loudly proclaimed was your plan.  Synchronicity makes an appearance when you let go of your control.  Believe me, I learned this by my own experiences.  I was probably one of the most headstrong people you could have ever met.  I wanted every thing my way.  When my assumptions all collapsed and the whole foundation of my little world caved in, I finally looked for another way and it all fell into place without my control of anything.  Be patient.  Give up the idea that control means you are getting guidance from God.  The more control, the more ego is in play.  Learn patience.  It takes time and trials to learn patience.  You have to curb the influence on you of the ego and wait for the little voice of sanity that will come through.

Eckhardt Tolle (who wrote his book "A New World" about his awakening and how it changed him) had his overwhelming experience where he saw through the ego at a time when he was in a deep depression.  Afterward he says he sat on a park bench for two years just discovering life in all its forms over again like a child and integrating his renewed thoughts into consciousness.  He looked into other philosophies, a lot of Eastern philosophies like Buddhism and Advaita Vedanta and read "A Course in Miracles" and, I'm sure, more until he understood what he had experienced.  It takes quite a bit of integrating before the puzzle finally falls into place and the overall picture emerges.  You can't just do it in a few LSD trips.  It requires patience, and maybe just letting things settle for a while.

[Nahm]

 

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I know that there's no single answer that would act like a magical charm for me, but I feel limited, powerless, resentful and frustrated with my life.

There is actually. It’s understanding the emotions you’re creating & experiencing. 

Some of the thoughts are aligned with the true nature, and some are not, and you feel this. 

Quote

sometimes I react in extreme ways.. And those feel totally justified.

If you justify thoughts & perspectives which are in discord with the true nature, what you’re justifying is the continuation of the discord. 

Re-acting is acting the same as you have been, experiencing the same emotions over and over, by holding the same beliefs about yourself. 

Thinking about good & evil and God when you’re suffering emotionally, is like sitting in lava philosophizing about Jupiter. 

[5-D - L O V E]

@Leo Gura Thank you for pointing on the fact that I didn't ask any specific questions. I guess I was still working and untangling things out on my end. Now I see this thing clearly, and I have one specific question if you could help me with it. Not being grounded in reality/material results is just a symptom of a much bigger issue.

I can't find forgiveness, I can't forgive certain "things" in my life and move beyond them, I'm very attune to my emotions, and almost daily I wake up with the same set of "themes", these themes involve situations, people and outcomes, and it messes up with my psychology, I can't seem to go beyond these things. I think I can understand forgiveness (on a meta/ intellectual level), and I see how important it is, but I just can't tap into it and feel it be geniunly true, and for that reason I somehow choose consciously to not forgive, and that is making me distant from people, like I feel that everyone is lying to me and to themselves. This distance ends up making me feeling even more alone and detached, and it makes the world feel unrelatable somehow, almost cruel, and all these factors combine and flourish in me in this persona that doesn't want to do anything worthwhile inspite of all the potential I have.

I've done The Work by Byron Katie, I've seen the video where you covered forgiveness, I've done countless amounts of journaling, soul searching.. nothing seems to work.

I've also tried to use this rage as some sort of fuel, and it works, but only for short bursts of time, it's not maintainable, so my question is, how do I find love back? how can I forgive myself and others and just move on with my life, at the point I'm at, I know that I need a true miracle of sorts, the ultimate grace, and my true nature being God I should be able to pull of that but it never seems to materialize.

[5-D - L O V E]

@Nahm 

On 15/04/2021 at 1:50 PM, Nahm said:

 Re-acting is acting the same as you have been, experiencing the same emotions over and over, by holding the same beliefs about yourself. 

Thinking about good & evil and God when you’re suffering emotionally, is like sitting in lava philosophizing about Jupiter. 

I really don't experience it this way, I'm not going towards the re-enacting of those experiences, they just arise.

The way I see it is that as long as some part of my past keeps coming up to surface in the present moment, it means that I haven't fully seen, accepted and integrated it in it's entirety.

All there is, is this moment, and whatever arises in this moment is whatever should arise in this moment, this is the way I understand experience.

I don't try to pick and choose (most of the time), I just let the waves take me wherever they want to.

So if reality is pointing something to me, whatever that may be, shouldn't that be taked into consideration?

[Nahm]

@5-D - L O V E

Yes, that direction is likely not reaction.