Forget About Relationships If You Are On A Self-Development Journey

[Mesopotamian]

When you spend 500 hours watching Leo's videos, and reading around 20 good books, I suggest you just forget about relationship with the other sex completely. It is just impossible to have an honest meaningful connection with someone who haven't done the work. This is why many sages choose to stay celibate when they progress in their journey.

I've distanced myself from dating for more than a year now, and I can see that there's no way that I sit through and act as if I care to establish a relationship with someone who is way less exposed to the material that I've been exposed to.

Like there's no way I can be close to anybody who are willing to stay the same, have superficial replies, and ask silly stupid questions.

When you open up to someone like that, they think that there's a problem with  you! they start to give you advice! Like I was chatting the other day with someone, and she said "What's wrong? you seem to have something wrong in your life" then ended her conversation with "Try to stay away from toxic people"!

I started to think that only less developed people are able to afford to connect and have a relationship, and of course the vast majority of that ends in a disaster for both of them.

[Chew211]

For most people, that's just cope. 

They can't get sexy time, so they rationalize that they're just too far developed to do things to get sexy time, and go on without sexy time, and think they are superior for lack of sexy time. 

I'm not saying it's you, at least nothing in what you wrote gave off those vibes.

 

Dating isn't serious. Sex isn't serious. 

It's a need for most people.

But it's not serious.

There are highly developed people who are married, who have a girlfriend, who have many girlfriends, etc. 

 

The only issue is that if a lot of your surplus time is spent with another partner, then that takes away from time to invest in yourself. 

 

When it comes to me, I make time for some didily

[Preety_India]

This post is messed up. 

You really mean to say that women don't exist on this site, they don't watch Leo's videos? 

This is like the most ridiculous offensive women demeaning post. 

And people who are in relationships are less developed?? 

What hypocrisy is that. 

There is so much subliminal "me superior you all inferior" message in this post. 

Check your bias. 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Preety_India

[Mesopotamian]

@Preety_India

This is the straw-man fallacy you're trying on my post here. Just because I mentioned "She" once, the rest of the post is not directed towards women in any way or form.

Please keep your anger a couple of notches down, a thousand one indeed.

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Sages do it because they don't want the responsibility since they can't be ready for that if they do the work they do. They are also not into attraction but general love. There are many reasons. 

Also could be because there's no way they can open up and get accepted by anyone of a less development than them.

[Preety_India]

@Mesopotamian there is no anger. Your post is demeaning to women because you're generalizing women as not developed enough. 

Calling me angry is another way of demeaning me when I'm criticizing you.. 

So just because someone sees your bias, they are angry? 

 

[Mesopotamian]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

@Mesopotamian there is no anger. Your post is demeaning to women because you're generalizing women as not developed enough. 

Calling me angry is another way of demeaning me when I'm criticizing you.. 

So just because someone sees your bias, they are angry? 

 

I won't defend my post, think what you want to think about it, and accuse me of anything, you're free to do anything you want. I am not engaging in this nonsense. Peace.

[Preety_India]

@Mesopotamian I'm not interested in arguing either. Peace. 

 

[Mesopotamian]

5 hours ago, Chew211 said:

It's a need for most people.

I think this is debatable, if you have access to it, then it can be perceived as a need, but if  you don't have much access like in my situation, you might find other coping mechanisms.

For some, having a sink in home and a tooth brush is also a need, but for people living in the desert, they can do without that.

I would like to know how to differentiate between attachment to something, and the undisputed "need".. you think there's a line?

[Chew211]

If you need to find a coping mechanism for it, then it's a need for you. 

There are some spiritual practitioners that transcend such needs, but if you're coping, that just means your making up for not having it. You're trying to make up for not fullfiling a need. 

When I was saying need I meant it in the sense of attachment, not undisputed need. 

An undisputed need is something you're biological apparatus will die without. 

An attachment is something that stems from survival needs. 

We have deep programming in us to drive us to reproduce. 

Some (spiritual) practices can redirect (some of) those drives into a "higher purpose". 

I do it to some degree by abstaining from jerking it and watching porn, and limiting my didily time to once a week. In some point in the future I might full renounce didily, but I'm can't do that.

If I stop seeing the chick I'm seeing now, then I'll feel the drive to get (a) new chick(s)-- and that takes away from all the high consciousness stuff that I do. 

When I say it's a need for most people, I mean attachment. 

We wouldn't be disputing undisputed needs. 

[Mesopotamian]

2 hours ago, Chew211 said:

If you need to find a coping mechanism for it, then it's a need for you. 

There are some spiritual practitioners that transcend such needs, but if you're coping, that just means your making up for not having it. You're trying to make up for not fullfiling a need. 

Sex is more like an orgasm to be made, and there are some intensities for that orgasm, sometimes you can achieve higher density even if you're doing it solo.

I've been on and off for some time, and I now think that there's a double deception going on when it comes to doing sex with partners.

You're deceived when you have to work for it, the attraction and so, and then you're deceived again when you get it thinking that you've achieved something marvelous when in fact you have been scammed to give away your sperms, and lots of personal respect.

It is weird how we refuse to get naked in front of anybody, but during sex, not only we get naked, but we acts like dogs and sticking our things in different holes like other animals do, and then we call that victory!

2 hours ago, Chew211 said:

We have deep programming in us to drive us to reproduce.

Exactly, this is what's happening here!

2 hours ago, Chew211 said:

In some point in the future I might full renounce didily, but I'm can't do that.

I can relate to that, it took me a long journey, and a pandemic lockdown to stop seeking those pleasures.

[flowboy]

5 hours ago, Mesopotamian said:

It is weird how we refuse to get naked in front of anybody, but during sex, not only we get naked, but we acts like dogs and sticking our things in different holes like other animals do, and then we call that victory!

 

Who hurt you?

 

This is messed up. I get why people give you the feedback that it seems like there is something wrong with you. They totally have a point.

 

I bet you don't have a warm, loving relationship with your mother. Someone important hurt you and refused to love you, and I don't know if it was one or both of your parents during childhood, or girls or friends during adolescence, or some other combination... but you would do best to take a good look at your past and process some of it. Preferably with the help of a good therapist.

 

Try to suppress the impulse to take this as an insult and assume that I say this with love, really giving you my assessment of what would be most helpful for you to do.

Edited April 14, 2021 by flowboy

[Parththakkar12]

29 minutes ago, flowboy said:

 

Who hurt you?

 

This is messed up. I get why people give you the feedback that it seems like there is something wrong with you. They totally have a point.

 

I bet you don't have a warm, loving relationship with your mother. Someone important hurt you and refused to love you, and I don't know if it was one or both of your parents during childhood, or girls or friends during adolescence, or some other combination... but you would do best to take a good look at your past and process some of it. Preferably with the help of a good therapist.

 

Try to suppress the impulse to take this as an insult and assume that I say this with love, really giving you my assessment of what would be most helpful for you to do.

Out of curiosity, what does your reply have to do with what @Mesopotamian said? Why are we turning this personal? Why aren't you arguing with the content of what they said as opposed to making assumptions about the person? What does their personal hurt have to do with what they said? What do you mean with the question 'who hurt you'?

[Farnaby]

@Mesopotamian approaching relationships from the attitude of "I need to get something out of this interaction" isn't the best attitude IMO. Try interacting just for the experience of it, for the fun, to learn about yourself and the other person. Try to calm your analytical mind and feel into your body so you can lead the interaction in a direction that feels good. 

What you wrote sounds like classical spiritual ego: "I'm too good/spiritually evolved for all these stupid people who are at a lower stage than I am". This is often a coping mechanism to avoid getting hurt in relationships or to compensate for feelings of insignificance. It provides a false sense of being more intelligent or somehow evolved than other people and it's usually a way to avoid feeling and processing uncomfortable and painful feelings. 

There's no problem if you don't want to have relationships with other people, as long as it's a genuine desire. If it's coming from a place of fear, resistance, hatred, etc., it's probably gloing to leave you feeling empty because we're a social species. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Farnaby

[Shin]

Looks like you're afraid of relationships more than a genuine need to stay single imo.

It's a defense mechanism that I personally used for a year or two at the beginning, but sooner or later  you'll have to face the truth, that you really do want relationships.

That's just a basic need for any human being.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Shin

[Alexop]

I have a girlfriend, she`s nice, I would say a solid stage green, but she`s not really into what we do here, I still have time for her, altough when I have periods of hardcore study and contemplation, philosophising with my colleague, she feels a bit neglected. You are partly right by saying that being with a person who`s not into this shit can impede you depending on the level of development of that partener. You still need relationships tough, it is how we are programmed, unless you have a psychological disorder or so. I would say, it is very hard to really be into this stuff and be with a person who is SD stage orange or below, those people are too closed minded to accept what you do, they will be a pain in the ass, but if you find a loving, understanding person, no problem. I would say that girls are more loving and than guys and they will accept your journey as long as you also accept theirs. Peace and no ideology or pet theories!

[flowboy]

11 hours ago, Parththakkar12 said:

Out of curiosity, what does your reply have to do with what @Mesopotamian said? Why are we turning this personal? Why aren't you arguing with the content of what they said as opposed to making assumptions about the person? What does their personal hurt have to do with what they said? What do you mean with the question 'who hurt you'?

@Parththakkar12 This topic is personal to begin with. There is no separating people's view on things from who they are, it's all connected. Arguing content is not going to help anyone, it's just a game egos like to play as a pastime. No argument causes one party to be more open to the other's viewpoint, instead, the opposite happens: the biased view of each becomes more firmly cemented. See also Leo's blog video on why debates don't work.

When people post a topic like this, seemingly advising everyone to adopt their viewpoint, it is because on some level they want to evolve out of their limited viewpoint. But they don't consciously know that.

My perception is that OP has a very cold view on relationships and sexuality, and it's only possible to arrive at such a cold view if the warmth in your life has been taken away at some point. This could have one of the causes I listed, or something else that I didn't think of.

In any case, the OP has an extreme stance on relationships and has a Love & Relationships shadow - which means he is fractioned. To progress in personal development, he needs to integrate his shadow and explore love & relationships, and become whole again in that dimension. Any extreme stance on anything is a sign that there is integration work to be done.

I'm a huge fan of going back to the root of where this denial began, and emotionally processing what happened, and then forgiving people who hurt you. But there are other ways too. You can do shadow work using different methods, like Ken Wilber's 3-2-1 method, or Teal Swan's method.

Hope that helps

[Parththakkar12]

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

My perception is that OP has a very cold view on relationships and sexuality, and it's only possible to arrive at such a cold view if the warmth in your life has been taken away at some point. This could have one of the causes I listed, or something else that I didn't think of.

Is it false? Is that what the 'who hurt you' question means? I've heard the question 'who hurt you' before and it never made sense to me, like what does my hurt have to do with this conversation? Why is this going personal?!

[Alexop]

@flowboy You won`t help anybody when you aggressively attack their statement. Asking "Who hurt you?" can be perceived as "Are you stupid?"

[flowboy]

19 minutes ago, Parththakkar12 said:

Is it false? Is that what the 'who hurt you' question means? I've heard the question 'who hurt you' before and it never made sense to me, like what does my hurt have to do with this conversation? Why is this going personal?!

 

16 minutes ago, Alexop said:

@flowboy You won`t help anybody when you aggressively attack their statement. Asking "Who hurt you?" can be perceived as "Are you stupid?"

I don't know how other people mean it when they ask that. I do know what I mean however, so let me clarify. By "who hurt you", I mean "there is a lot of pain and negativity radiating from your words, and you may not be aware of it but it is very obvious to other people, and something you might want to look into, because that's probably a good spot to focus on for maximum personal growth. That pain must have been caused by someone or some situation in the past. To resolve and alchemize it, you would need to look inwards and dig that up, hence find out who hurt you, re-process the traumatic experience and the emotions, and then practice forgiveness"

Probably that's what I should have said in the first place. But it's very long-winded.

Edited April 15, 2021 by flowboy

[Parththakkar12]

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

 

I don't know how other people mean it when they ask that. I do know what I mean however, so let me clarify. By "who hurt you", I mean "there is a lot of pain and negativity radiating from your words, and you may not be aware of it but it is very obvious to other people, and something you might want to look into, because that's probably a good spot to focus on for maximum personal growth"

Probably that's what I should have said in the first place.

Are you implying a lack of objectivity? Are you implying that 'the other person's judgement is clouded because of their hurt'? Cuz that is a personal attack.

Are you implying that what they're saying is false? Is it true or false? What is it?