My parents are making me suffer and at the same time I want them to grow

[fopylo]

So I've been holding it for quite a long time already, thinking when is the right time to finally address this issue with myself and others. So for the past 2 years or so I've started my self improvement journey, and as we all know, as we keep growing we start seeing how many of the people are just f*cking (excuse my language) with their lives and falling through a downhill spiral and suffering. I've came across Leo's YouTube channel about 7 months ago, but only started really taking his content seriously like 3 months ago.
So I've been learning and taking action here and there, and as I was continuing this journey it just pained me to see how my father and mother are really suffering with their lives. I've been seeing negative patterns all over their lives now that I understand human psychology better. They are filled with lots of fear, but I know they would never admit it to themselves. My parents tend to watch a lot of tv at night or when they don't have what to do, but don't realize it's an escape. Also, they tend to criticize a lot, gossip, and just say stupid claims which make no sense. They think they know it all already, how life works and how it needs to be. I have realized already that a lot of my social anxiety (that is starting to disappear) came from their bad social conditioning they gave me, all the criticism, the fact they ignore me, and are just wandering around clueless with all their shit they filled themselves up from society.
It's really hard to say it, but there is some part in me that feels very sad for them and sometimes I can't take it anymore. I'm seeing how Leo's videos are changing my life, and just.. if just my parents could experience the same change and growth and not have to carry this suffering for the rest of their lives as well. My father turned 50 not long ago and my mother isn't far away. I know it will be very challenging for them to start this journey, but it's just hard seeing sometimes how they come back from work with a desperate expression, suppressing emotions.
I still really don't like talking to them and try to block them from my life in many ways, trying to avoid conversations with them since I always feel that they hurt my growth without them even recognizing.
I feel that this conflict can really slow my process.
I just wish my parents could have started this process earlier... Now they'll never even open themselves to a "silly thing" such as meditation and self improvement because of their beliefs around them.
By the way the conflict has been already for more than a year already and I never talked with my parents about self improvement, forbid self actualization (I fear they will have the power to put me down since I'm sensitive to their criticism).
Bottom line is, what do I do?
How can I help them improve their life? And how can I avoid being sunken by their low consciousness?
I would prefer doing it with minimum contact with them.  

[Mosess]

@fopylo I live in a similar environment as you do, and from my experience I simply quit trying to "Improve" their lives. It is impossible if they are not willing to receive the help and will simply drain my energy. I personally think you should keep working on yourself, and as you grow they will start to notice and eventually approach you and ask you for advice as they see you advance. Good luck Bro <3

[fopylo]

@Mosess Thanks for this kind reply

They are certainly draining my energy and I must avoid them out of necessity almost. I can't ever imagine them asking me for advice, even if they do notice my growth. They'll probably relate it to luck, very shallow self improvement such as simply going to the gym and joining a group activity (not knowing the deeper work required behind it), or that it is just innate in me. They'll never humiliate themselves to ask from their son for advice, because what does he know already about life.
So yeah, I will focus more of my energy on improving myself. I am also not able to talk to them much about self improving, god forbid talking about meditation and all those abstract concepts.
I guess the time I always knew was on the horizon is finally coming, where I'll need to start cutting ties with my family. It's very hard though. Not because I really want them in my life, but because I rely pretty much a lot on them. They pay for my things, give me food, a house to live in, drive me, and they understand better how systems work in the country (laws and that)

[integral]

Most of us have parents like this. The only dysfunctional states that are reparable are ones that effect survival. Most people can go their entire lives coasting on a mehh way of being. 

Took me a long while to really face the reality of how limited their minds are. They dont listen. When they do listen they dont care. If they do care and learn something, they forget it and default back to there original perspective on the topic. The learning pathways are blocked, a broken method. This is why they are so behind the curb. 

Cant teach what cant learn.

The only method that works in my experience is exercise. If there is a habit of their that you should try to change, its to get them into some kind of physical activity. From there doors can open up for growth. 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by integral

[fopylo]

@integral Yeah, so my father has started (well, always here and there but more often now) exercising more, which is a good thing. My mother doesn't exercise though and she sucks the most energy out of me, like I'm trying almost to avoid her as if I'm in a forest trying to avoid danger

[BlackMaze]

I quitted trying. It's like they are deaf. Maybe you could encourage them to have a hobby or something. If they are like mine their head is too full of sh*t to see the value of an advice. 

[integral]

@fopylo ye man haha, i know the feeling, she might remain that way until the day she dies. It was like that with my father, to survive it i had to fully detach and play there game, telling them what they want to hear, go with the flow. Try to see them as children having a temper tantrum, it makes it alot easier and is less draining. 

[Cireeric]

Yes I can completely understand you. Since my own psychological health and understanding drastically improved in the last years I can  see much clearer the dysfunctional patterns of my near friends and family and how it leads to their own suffering. It is very hard for me to now see how my own parents have problems in life and suffer. And the problem is when people werent open for this sort of stuff for such a long time its pretty hard to open to it. Because nobody wants to admit that they live for such a long time in an unhealthy way and that most of their suffering is created by themselves.  Also I cant really tell my parents how to live a better life.

I think the best you can do is try to give subtle tips here and there, motivate them to exercise, maybe cook some good food or look that they eat some healthy stuff.

[fopylo]

@integral It certainly seems that they will stay like that until they pass away (or at least, for a very long time). Isn't it funny to use the word "survive"? It's funny because it really feels like that. When I'm next to them I feel in danger. Telling them what they want to hear - although it will cause less conflict, I'm still giving my soul to their unconscious control and also I'll easily sway off my track. It is quite sad seeing how many people will live and then die without ever entering this journey

[fopylo]

@Cireeric

10 hours ago, Cireeric said:

Because nobody wants to admit that they live for such a long time in an unhealthy way and that most of their suffering is created by themselves

Exactly!
I presume it is in the back of their heads all the time. Who will want to admit that? It sounds stupid and threatening. It means all those years have been for nothing.
Tips here and there - sometimes I try to hint to my mom to stop eating junk food and that health is important. Nothing really changes though because I don't think she grasps the value of it. I tried to mention one time to my father that working on himself will help improve all other aspects of his life and tried to show him (without going deep into it) how they are connected, but I don't think he took it so seriously, at least not in practice.
But yeah, I don't really talk to them and have no interest in having conversations with them and them interfering in my life 

[Cireeric]

@fopylo Yes, sadly its very hard to change people and show them whats good for them, it must start with their own intention. Therapy can just begin when the client admits to himself: Some things I do are wrong and I have the power to change.  They need to see the value for themselves and willing to improve themselves. We are lucky that we adopted the Mindset of Openmindedness and willingness to change and grow early, before its too late and we get stuck in our conditions and behaviors and worldviews.

[Nahm]

@fopylo

One option is to change how you’re thinking. 

[fopylo]

@Cireeric Very true. I feel very fortunate in that aspect, yet it feels like older people (who didn't start early) lost it 

[fopylo]

@Nahm Kind of vague, don't you think? ?

[Nahm]

@fopylo

No. It’s one option. 

[fopylo]

@Nahm Yeah, I didn't quite understand

[Nahm]

@fopylo

You want them to feel better, but why would they listen to you? You sound miserable. 

[fopylo]

@Nahm By them do you mean my thoughts or my parents?
I am kind of sad thinking about the fact that they are going to lead miserable lives till the very end without them ever knowing a better way. How would you cope with such a situation? I'm sure not all your family is on the path to self actualization

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

@Nahm By them do you mean my thoughts or my parents?

Your parents. 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

I am kind of sad thinking about the fact that they are going to lead miserable lives till the very end without them ever knowing a better way. How would you cope with such a situation?

Coping is in a way, masking & compensating for your suffering. Don’t cope, feel the suffering. When you go that route, changing the way you’re looking at the situation is inevitable. If you don’t, you’re doing the same thing they’re doing. Do they have an example of someone not coping, not suffering? What if they did? At least they’d have an example, at least they’d be aware it’s possible. 

This example / analogy just came up on a session and seems applicable... what if your parents were cutting their hands with knives? Do you think there is anything you could say, which would somehow be more convincing, than the pain they are feeling?  

Maybe what you really want, is for them to listen to their suffering, to not continue coping. If so, to not be hypocritical, that means you gotta do that. If you don’t cope, and just feel that burn... you’re gonna notice that burn is related to certain thoughts & perspectives, which are not resonating with the true nature. It’s likely you’ll then proceed to do all kinds of things to change how you feel, your consciousness, your state, your level, etc. When none of that works, you’ll change your perspective. 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

I'm sure not all your family is on the path to self actualization

We are on the path with the first breath of life, long before we can walk. It’s not a choice. Listening to the suffering or not, is the choice.

 

[fopylo]

@Nahm So basically you're saying that the way for me to deal with it is to feel this sadness seeing how they are wasting their lives? And by doing so, I'll be incentivized to change my state and perspective?
 But then how are they supposed to change?