Girlfriend only saw me at my office

[Walkaboutman]

Hello all

So I'm trying to figure out something.

I have had a rather volatile relationship with my girlfriend with frequent fights and disagreements. We are physically attracted to each other but don't see eye to eye on certain issues. We have been together for 5 years.

During one of our rocky patches there was a phase were we would get together to have sex, except she refused to come to my house (I live alone) and wouldn't let me go to her house either (she stays with her parents). So the middle ground ended up being my office. My office environment is somewhat deserted so I wouldn't normally go for this type of thing but anyway that's how it went. This carried on about once or twice a month, for about 6 months.

Even if I asked her why she refused to come to my house she would never tell so it's pointless. However I am bothered by the fact that she refused to see me anywhere else. Obviously cheating has crossed my mind but I don't see how coming to my house would have exposed her in any way if she was seeing somebody else. I can possibly see how me going to her house would be a problem if she was bringing somebody else to her house. But in the end all of this just doesn't seem to make logical sense.

Any ideas?

[Origins]

@Walkaboutman Done. Sorry.

Unless you can communicate with intelligence with one another or one of you subordinates themselves, you're done.

It's the toughest thing to come to terms with when you've invested that much emotional energy I'm sorry you've had to go through this. It's extremely difficult when you're not seeing eye to eye be it due to personality, attachment style, level of growth, intelligence, etc. If it doesn't have to do with something as simple as growth its virtually no use, and even then why are you waiting for the person to grow or if the person is invested in you why would they put up any hassle towards growth. I wish you both all the best.

Edited April 7, 2021 by Origins

[mandyjw]

Not sure this is it, but many women LOVE men in uniform, or men in their work environments is the next best thing, even if it's an office.  It could have been a fantasy kind of thing, that environment allowed her to see a side of you that she didn't see at home. 

[flowboy]

I wouldn't date anyone so secretive who refused to tell me why. You fucked yourself over by not having standards for openness and honesty, and accepting this nonsense.

Result: a relationship that she doesn't take seriously. I doubt you'll change that now.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

On 7.04.2021 г. at 1:45 PM, Walkaboutman said:

We have been together for 5 years.

During one of our rocky patches there was a phase were we would get together to have sex, except she refused to come to my house (I live alone) and wouldn't let me go to her house either (she stays with her parents). So the middle ground ended up being my office. My office environment is somewhat deserted so I wouldn't normally go for this type of thing but anyway that's how it went. This carried on about once or twice a month, for about 6 months.

So the office thing was only for 6 months because she was pissed off? And the other 4 1/2 years were normal? 

[wwhy]

On 4/7/2021 at 8:45 PM, Walkaboutman said:

Hello all

So I'm trying to figure out something.

I have had a rather volatile relationship with my girlfriend with frequent fights and disagreements. We are physically attracted to each other but don't see eye to eye on certain issues. We have been together for 5 years.

During one of our rocky patches there was a phase were we would get together to have sex, except she refused to come to my house (I live alone) and wouldn't let me go to her house either (she stays with her parents). So the middle ground ended up being my office. My office environment is somewhat deserted so I wouldn't normally go for this type of thing but anyway that's how it went. This carried on about once or twice a month, for about 6 months.

Even if I asked her why she refused to come to my house she would never tell so it's pointless. However I am bothered by the fact that she refused to see me anywhere else. Obviously cheating has crossed my mind but I don't see how coming to my house would have exposed her in any way if she was seeing somebody else. I can possibly see how me going to her house would be a problem if she was bringing somebody else to her house. But in the end all of this just doesn't seem to make logical sense.

Any ideas?

I think she is just your sex friend, not your girlfriend. It's just a sexual thing for her. Enjoy it if you can, or cut it short and look for a girl who wants both an emotional + sexual thing.

[Bando]

Dude its time to make a plan to exit that relationship, typically id advise to be be open about how you feel and communicate that with her but it doesn't seem she's even willing to listen.

Putting up with this behavior for 5 years says more about you than her if you guys are always fighting petty arguments and stuff like that. Assess why your in that relationship and why you cant seem to move on, this is a you thing not a her thing

[Walkaboutman]

Thank you all for your feedback I really appreciate it.

I had a good long look at this situation and coupled with a little research came to some conclusions which really, is supported by some of the comments made so far on this forum.

I came across research done on attachment styles and after doing a couple of tests found that I have an avoidant attachment style, that dovetails with my girlfriend's anxious attachment style. I run away from the relationship and she pursues, a perfect mixture of toxicity. I looked at all my past relationships and discovered that they all share this same pattern, I am consistently attracted to women that attach anxiously and I try my best to avoid them. I saw that my mom is a lot like this and I guess I am more like my parents and their relationship than what I wanted to admit at first. 

I spoke to my girlfriend about this to try and find a way to be more healthy in our relationship but she just fights and continues to try and one-up me. Ultimately, I had to concede that we were attracted to each other because of our disfunction, and we needed to separate in order to move the situation forward. I worked out that we were not going to resolve our differences and there certainly is no fighting your way through to a solution it seems. I broke it off with her. I was a little over-invested in a relationship that was mostly only sexual, and it was a lot of drama to go through for the little sex I was getting as well.

Break-ups suck but I must admit the peace and quiet is amazing. And predictably also it wasn't long after I ended things that I saw on social media that she was with another guy.

You win some and you lose some...

[Bando]

2 hours ago, Walkaboutman said:

You win some and you lose some...

Thats the name of the game