Is my mom too attached to me ?

[Javfly33]

And I am to my mom I guess too Lol. But in a different way. In the way that I don't want her to suffer .

 I live in another city and my mom demands to speak to me every 4-5 days. 

Soon I will do a solo meditation retreat of 10 days and my intention is to not have interaction with anybody, and I'm sure she will go crazy if I don't pick up the phone in 10 days, doesn't matter if I let her know or don't (obviously I would let her know).

I have tried to talk to her but in his rationality she doesn't imagine how come I wouldn't send or reply to a message just to let her know I'm alright (s he doesn't care that much if I want to talk, but wants to verify im alive lol).

Honestly I don't like this dependency. I want to be free and also I would like to her to trascend his attachment to me. But of course that's very difficult.

I need a third party opinion? What do you think of the situation?

[Matt23]

I feel I'm in a similar boat (though I dunno) to some degree.  I guess I've just sort of played the balance game leaning towards what I want.  Like almost considering homeostatsis and where your relationship with her is at the moment, and that changing that transcends and rationality and will mean some discomfort probably (maybe not though), and maybe instead of drastic changes, just do smaller changes over time that gradually get you your independence.  Though it depends on your situation.

Are you likewise dependent on her?  

Why don't you simply not answer her texts after stating what you're going to do?

Do you fear what she'll do or think?

How are you contributing to this situation? 

[flowboy]

I have a great relationship with my mom and she checks in on my only every 2-3 weeks or so.

But yeah... that's moms...

How capable of change is she? How young is her brain would you say?

Reason I ask is because some people are so stuck in their ways, they'll never adapt in your lifetime. And others are pretty fluid still. Emotional intelligence is also a factor

Edited April 7, 2021 by flowboy

[intotheblack]

Think of it from the perspective of your mam.  
you were her baby who grew up... now you’re leading your own life in another city and she feels she’s loosing connection to you.  Her way of still feeling close to you is that telephone call once a week. 

My mam is the same, I live in another country, we talk on the phone about every 1-2 weeks but we text a lot.  She’s told me before that she feels sad that we can’t see eachother and feels disconnected when we don’t talk often. 

I used to be annoyed by her a lot over the years!  but now that I’ve grown up a bit, I feel more compassion for her.  

The way I see it... if staying connected and making a phone call will make her happy and brighten her mood, then I will make that effort.  

By sending 1 text that feels like a pain in the ass to you, will give her peace of mind.  Is your mom too dependant? Maybe, and probably feels lonely.  I don’t know how likely she would be to change now so it’s your job to work around it. 

Human connection is important and especially once you get older and your children are gone you feel more alone. 
People can start to feel invisible and forgotten the older they get, loneliness is an epidemic. 
 

 

 

Edited April 7, 2021 by intotheblack

[Origins]

@Javfly33

4 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

I have tried to talk to her but in his rationality she doesn't imagine

So she's got a masculine side then I see, try to appeal to her more adventurous side then, say its important to your manhood, right of passage, etc. In the event of her flexing her muscles you can always just plan a date with her just to show her that you still care about her and not running away.

[Javfly33]

7 hours ago, Matt23 said:

.

Are you likewise dependent on her?  

Why don't you simply not answer her texts after stating what you're going to do?

Do you fear what she'll do or think?

How are you contributing to this situation? 

@Matt23 Yeah... Exactly ?

.@intotheblack thanks for your output you have a point

@Origins nice, good advice

[Lyubov]

I've heard of stories of super neurotic moms wanting to check up on their adult children every day. Some babying them to the point where they are adults that haven't even left home yet. Not devaluing your experience, seems like it's draining for you. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by Lyubov

[hoodrow trillson]

Interact with your mom and dad as much as you can while they're still alive and walking this Earth.  Both of my parents are still alive but I have friends or family that have lost somebody and they all say the same thing:  they regret not keeping in touch all the time, burning bridges or in general taking them for granted.  

So, grit your teeth and suck it up and speak to your mom when she calls you or needs you.  I think when we get to their age, we will view it much differently than we do now and you will be very grateful for the memories.

[Nahm]

On 4/7/2021 at 1:48 AM, Javfly33 said:

I don't want her to suffer

A reinterpretation through a different lens on suffering... Mom’s condition to be happy is her demands being met ...your condition to be happy is mom being happy. What you both want is not to suffer. Though it probably sounds nuts, mom would therefore be happy if she stopped making demands, or if her demands were not met. You would be happy if you met her demands, or if you didn’t believe others need to be happy for you to be happy, or that one creates another’s suffering. Be like water. 

 

[universe]

Tell her that you are doing a meditation retreat and don't use your phone there. Don't answer your phone there. She will learn. It's important to learn how to set boundaries. If you do, this magical thing happens, where people conform to your boundaries.

Don't be sad about her or that she will worry about you. Worrying like this does no good to anyone. And even if you do answer the phone, her feelings won't change. There is nothing you can do to help her situation and constant worries. She has to grow out of it by herself.

[blankisomeone]

You absolutely have to read “recovering from emotionally immature parents”.

I don’t know to what degree your mom is emotionally immature, though... The book will help you clarify

But I read that book and now I understand my dad a lot. I’m still mourning what I didn’t get with having him as a parent... I’m still struggling to accept there’s not much I can do to help him… I see my dad as a grown-up bratty kid now... What I used to think was just part of his personality I now understand comes from deep suffering. It’s really bad. Can’t rely on him for emotional advice or advice with my life purpose or anything really... 

Edited April 17, 2021 by blankisomeone