Why is this so hard?

[Meditationdude]

Look, I try really fucking hard. I have my problems and addictions but I have true intention. I’m putting in everything I’ve got into this work (consciousness and personal development) and making transformative changes. But this shit is fucking brutal! I mean absolutely gut wrenching. The ups and downs, the constant battle with my ego, questioning fucking everything constantly! I don’t think I can hold on much longer I’m starting to break. There’s a voice screaming inside saying “shut the fuck up! This is insane, you’re insane! Why can’t you stop!” I feel like I’m going crazy! 
 

 

But I also think I’m exactly where I need to be and something big is coming.

 

In conclusion this shit sucks. I hate all of you and goodnight ?

[WonderSeeker]

@Meditationdude A fantastic sign that you're doing the work!

[mantis]

Hello. I know you know this since it's almost cliche or captain obvious of me to say, but the number one thing that seems to be a problem with people in my life understanding or accepting or giving credence to things is that they do not value the age-old, cross-disciplinary practice of periodically quieting the mind altogether of all thoughts and relationships of relationships to other relationships, and just being empty as a routine point of departure. Protected, shielded, and careful, whatever in doing so  -- however your belief system handles that, but purging thought (in addition to ending the incessant chatter that gets in the way) is also a way for me to stop going crazy even from positive mental exercises like ego dissolution etc., like you were mentioning.

I look forward to reading the owner's writings and if I have inadvertently contradicted any of them it is 100% unintentional (though I dout I have).

 

Edited April 7, 2021 by mantis

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, mantis said:

Hello. I know you know this since it's almost cliche or captain obvious of me to say, but the number one thing that seems to be a problem with people in my life understanding or accepting or giving credence to things is that they do not value the age-old, cross-disciplinary practice of periodically quieting the mind altogether of all thoughts and relationships of relationships to other relationships, and just being empty as a routine point of departure. Protected, shielded, and careful, whatever in doing so  -- however your belief system handles that, but purging thought (in addition to ending the incessant chatter that gets in the way) is also a way for me to stop going crazy even from positive mental exercises like ego dissolution etc., like you were mentioning.

I look forward to reading the owner's writings and if I have inadvertently contradicted any of them it is 100% unintentional (though I dout I have).

 

Nice first post. 

[Leo Gura]

@Meditationdude Treat yourself with more kindness and love.

Don't do this work as some 'must do' thing. Do it because you enjoy questioning reality and gaining deeper insight into life.

Enjoy the process. Be patient. Slow down. Do it in a way that is enjoyable.

[VeganAwake]

Hard for who?

There isn't a real YOU!!

Stop identifying with the ME thoughts. Then its just thoughts for no one.

[Surfingthewave]

10 hours ago, Meditationdude said:

 I don’t think I can hold on much longer I’m starting to break. 

So let go. Stop holding on so tightly. 

You breaking, is what's happening. 

Joy is on it's way - allow it. 

[Meditationdude]

1 hour ago, Surfingthewave said:

So let go. Stop holding on so tightly.

@Surfingthewave How?

 

I’m just not seeing it clearly. Why is the answer so simple and yet I can’t see it in practice? 

Edited April 7, 2021 by Meditationdude
Words

[Meditationdude]

@Leo Gura the work itself is enjoyable. I truly love contemplation and questioning reality. But it can be very overwhelming. With higher perspective comes more responsibility. I can no longer ignore a problem or ignore Truth. It becomes too painful and obvious so I have to take action. I’m constantly evolving and making changes and it’s insanely hard. I wish I could just chill and do nothing but that’s not possible anymore. How can you unsee Truth? 

And why do so many people on this forum make it seems like they have it figured out? There’s no fucking way people are that conscious already! You’ve only been doing this 6 years. Makes me feel like I’m really bad at this work and I feel stupid.

 

“Just let go” lol - ya like I haven’t tried that for 5 years straight! It’s so hard!!!! 

 

 

[Mason Riggle]

28 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

@Surfingthewave How?

"How do you let go of things? This means you leave them as they are; it does not mean you annihilate them or throw them away. It is more like setting down and letting them be. Through the practice of letting go we realise that there is the origin of suffering, which is the attachment to desire, and we realise that we should let go of these three kinds of desire. Then we realise that we have let go of these desires; there is no longer any attachment to them.

When you find yourself attached, remember that ‘letting go’ is not ‘getting rid of’ or ‘throwing away’. If I’m holding onto this clock and you say, ‘Let go of it!’, that doesn’t mean ‘throw it out’. I might think that I have to throw it away because I’m attached to it, but that would just be the desire to get rid of it. We tend to think that getting rid of the object is a way of getting rid of attachment. But if I can contemplate attachment, this grasping of the clock, I realise that there is no point in getting rid of it - it’s a good clock; it keeps good time and is not heavy to carry around. The clock is not the problem. The problem is grasping the clock. So what do I do? Let it go, lay it aside - put it down gently without any kind of aversion. Then I can pick it up again, see what time it is and lay it aside when necessary." 

(found on the internet.. I didn't write it). 

[Mason Riggle]

@Meditationdude perhaps it would be helpful to consider that the 'you' you imagine yourself to be doesn't 'do' anything, other than 'be itself', and it does that whether it tries to or not.

Consider- How hard are you trying to 'be yourself' right now? Isn't it effortless? Aren't you just always 'being you', without trying? Can you stop 'being how you are?'.. any attempt to 'be other than how you are being', is just more 'being how you are'. 
 

[Bando]

Give it time man, one of the most important lessons I learned doing this work is that if you do the "right things" your bound to reach a paradigm shifting insight that changes the way you see the world, embrace the suck and take breaks if needed.

[EnRoute]

"But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain. Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to — alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person — you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the Now is their own pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolves the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God." ― Eckhart Tolle

[Guest EmptyVase]

1 hour ago, Meditationdude said:

I wish I could just chill and do nothing but that’s not possible anymore. How can you unsee Truth? 

I find learning how to relax, and letting it come to you, incredibly important. Rather than you having to do the work, allow the work to do itself. There's no one doing anything, really. You are being loved, so allow yourself to be the loved one. Relax into the love, and feel the love. The present is for you.

[Surfingthewave]

3 hours ago, Meditationdude said:

@Surfingthewave How?

 

I’m just not seeing it clearly. Why is the answer so simple and yet I can’t see it in practice? 

You will. 

Keep meditating. But stop trying. Stop having a goal. There is no goal in meditation. It's just allowing what is. 

Also do something else, a completely different practice you enjoy to get through blockages (I do Yoga Nidra). Could be exercise, singing, drawing etc.

What do you do when you put a heavy backpack down? Just put it down. Stop the efforting.

It took me a long time but actually it can also happen in an instant. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Meditationdude]

@Surfingthewave thank you. I took down some notes from your replies and I will keep working on this. Or not working on this ?

[Leo Gura]

12 hours ago, Meditationdude said:

@Leo Gura the work itself is enjoyable. I truly love contemplation and questioning reality. But it can be very overwhelming.

Then slow down.

Quote

With higher perspective comes more responsibility.

This is true.

Quote

I can no longer ignore a problem or ignore Truth. It becomes too painful and obvious so I have to take action. I’m constantly evolving and making changes and it’s insanely hard. I wish I could just chill and do nothing but that’s not possible anymore. How can you unsee Truth? 

Try doing more nothing Seriously!

Be careful not to go overboard with this work. You need to make room for rest, fun, and just giving your mind a break from constant and endless personal development.

Quote

And why do so many people on this forum make it seems like they have it figured out? There’s no fucking way people are that conscious already!

Many people on here are bullshitters, so don't take that too seriously. Some people here have done lots of work for years. And some people here are exceptionally spiritually gifted to begin with.

Quote

Makes me feel like I’m really bad at this work and I feel stupid.

This work is not the same for all people. Some people will have it much harder than others. That's okay. Don't be so concerned with where others are at. You can only do better than your old self. That's what matters.

- - - - - - -

Yes, generally speaking, becoming more conscious is hard. But my point is, don't make it harder than it needs to be. A lot of times you are making it extra hard by doing it wrong. So stay mindful to that. Sometimes you gotta take breaks and sometimes you gotta try doing it the opposite of how you've been doing it.

Take a month off and do nothing. You might be surprised how much you grow from that. Efforting all the time is not really the best way. Ultimately you want to find effortless ways of doing this work. That is the ideal. If it feels too much like work then you're probably doing it wrong.

[Wyeth]

That is exactly what is supposed to be happening. Keep at it.

[BipolarGrowth]

I know exactly how you feel man. I got my ass kicked by Awakening last year. It fucked almost every aspect of my normal life. I’ve since then discovered that I now somehow have some ridiculous synergy with THC/Cannabis. This new synergy only came after psychedelics, meditation, developing psychic abilities, and much more. It’s very risky for me as a person with Bipolar Disorder Type 1 to take serotonergic psychedelics. Through this purely individual experience, I’ve found a slower yet more natural approach to self development. Through all my striving in other areas and trying to improve in so many different ways, I unexpectedly came to this. You will give in to your true nature eventually. Don’t rush the work. A solution may come along as you continue to improve. There could be a very good reason why you as God designed your journey in this way. You’re sitting in the classroom of Infinite Wisdom. The teacher just might know better than your ego. 
 

Try to work with the ego on the way to Ultimate Liberation. Maybe you are like a child wanting to be an adult in a sense. Wanting to mature rapidly is a common desire, but it’s possible that slowing down will make the ride much less bumpy albeit not as quick. You literally have Eternity to get this right. If there is too much resistance at a certain time, realize that is a sign God (You) created for you. I like Leo’s concept of requisite variety. The idea is that you ultimately have to try a variety of enough creative solutions to solve complex problems. If your approach is not creative and nuanced enough, it can be a struggle to make progress. When trying to deconstruct all of Existence, of course it’s going to take a lot. You’ll need a creative, nuanced, and individually-tailored approach. Always being go go go toward ultimate success is a sneaky residual pattern from Stage Orange that is hard to evolve into a more wise approach. 
 

The ego/Maya/survival agenda combination is one of the most powerful forces — possibly the most powerful to exist. Rather than fight it, treat it as an essential participator in this journey of development. You are Absolute Perfection making itself somehow more Perfect which is possible due to your Infinite Nature. This happens through the dance of Creator and Creation which is so perfectly choreographed through YOUR Infinite Intelligence and Infinite Creativity that it is truly just one entity. Wherever boundaries exist, be certain that they can be dissolved by Truth. Truth is the favored weapon of God (You & Me & Us & Anything else). There are no obstacles once you defeat your most powerful creation (ego/Maya/survival/physicality) by remembering that all of Existence was created by You for you and all others yous. There are no impurities. You are 100% God. Reality is perfectly designed. It will all make perfect sense once you go deep enough into God Consciousness/Realization. You did all the most horrible things to yourself out of Infinite, Unadulterated Love. They were necessary. 
 

Breathe and rest as you are. 

[Meditationdude]

@Leo Gura ya you may be right. I need to take some time off and rest. Then check in with myself and see if what you’re saying is true. My life is fairly easy as it is (I work for myself and only 25/hrs a week, no kids, no wife, low stress) so I don’t feel like I’m stressed or in the rat race. Just existentially exhausted. 
 

I don’t feel like the work I’m doing here is too much necessary, it’s more the outcome of the work that’s difficult. I love meditating, reading, contemplating and all that but you hit a certain point where you have enough awareness to cut through all bullshit. This is where life get tricky because now it’s all out there right in front of you and you either act or react. Both bring about suffering. 
 

It’s all good though and I’m going to allow myself to be more patient. I have noticed lately after meditation and breath work that I’m energetically drained. That tells me I’m either in sloth and torpor or who knows? I dunno this is all so confusing and paradoxical. Either way, I think it’s time to pull back. 
 

Thanks for the help Leo