How much can I pursue the dude?

[Flowerfaeiry]

So there's this guy who I'm interested in and I've made it clear I'm interested. We actually had sex already. I don't mind pursuing but at what point do I stop and let him pursue me? If he doesn't pursue me does that mean he's not that interested? 

[mandyjw]

Pursue as much as you want, as long as it's fun, comes from inspiration and love rather than attachment, fear, neediness. Feel into the difference but don't overthink it. Great self care and doing things that make you happy and feel amazing will go a long way too helping you tune into inspiration to know when to act and when to focus on something else. It will also make the whole thing more enjoyable and that's what you really want all along, right? 

[soos_mite_ah]

35 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

 If he doesn't pursue me does that mean he's not that interested? 

Yes

Gender doesn't really matter but if you make the first move and the other person doesn't give back the same energy, they probably not interested. Instead if you find yourself always making the first move and the other person simply goes along with it without them also pursuing you, they have fallen into passive reciprocation. They are just going with it (reciprocation) because it's available, not because they want to or are willing to go out of their way, hence why it's passive. But once you pull back, there is a good chance they won't pursue because if they weren't pursuing then, they won't pursue now. 

Now I don't know your circumstance but if efforts are more equal but you happen to take a little more of the lead, that isn't really the problem because that's just how the dynamic played out. If it is more equal and you pull back a little, the other person will then start pursuing you but it rests on them still making an effort. The problem arises if you always have to pursue. 

[LastThursday]

Think of the whole experience like a conversation. How much do you want to talk? Does he have to reply? Is he good at listening to what you're saying?

[Flowerfaeiry]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

Pursue as much as you want, as long as it's fun, comes from inspiration and love rather than attachment, fear, neediness. Feel into the difference but don't overthink it. Great self care and doing things that make you happy and feel amazing will go a long way too helping you tune into inspiration to know when to act and when to focus on something else. It will also make the whole thing more enjoyable and that's what you really want all along, right? 

This is SO helpful. Thank you!

1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

Think of the whole experience like a conversation. How much do you want to talk? Does he have to reply? Is he good at listening to what you're saying?

I really like the idea of looking at it like this.

 

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Yes

Gender doesn't really matter but if you make the first move and the other person doesn't give back the same energy, they probably not interested. Instead if you find yourself always making the first move and the other person simply goes along with it without them also pursuing you, they have fallen into passive reciprocation. They are just going with it (reciprocation) because it's available, not because they want to or are willing to go out of their way, hence why it's passive. But once you pull back, there is a good chance they won't pursue because if they weren't pursuing then, they won't pursue now. 

Now I don't know your circumstance but if efforts are more equal but you happen to take a little more of the lead, that isn't really the problem because that's just how the dynamic played out. If it is more equal and you pull back a little, the other person will then start pursuing you but it rests on them still making an effort. The problem arises if you always have to pursue. 

I've thought about pulling back a little. But I'm not trying to play pick me games too much

[soos_mite_ah]

@Flowerfaeiry Yeah pick me games just aren't it. Pulling back a little can help with assessing the situation to see how balanced it is. 

[flowboy]

If you don't let him take initiative at least sometimes, you're taking away a chance to feel manly.

Why are you wondering whether you can stop pursuing? Doesn't that mean you're already doing it out of fear?

If you feel like pursuing, I'd do it in a womanly fashion, dropping hints of what you'd like to do together but still letting him take the actual initiative. E.g. "I've never seen X movie before." "Would be totally awesome to Y." "You could totally get me to Z;)" so that his dumb man-brain can still go: "Let's do X/Y/Z tomorrow" and feel like he asked you out.

 

If all else fails and he just doesn't take initiative, there's two possibilities: 1. He's just not that into you. 2. He hasn't integrated some parts of manhood and is in some ways still a boy. And that's okay, if you're cool with that, but the healthy way to deal with that is not to fall into the masculine role and do the work for him, because it will harm the sexual dynamic, but to inspire him to grow into the man role more, within your interaction. If you don't hear anything in two weeks, you might tell him straight up that you are still waiting for him to ask you out.

Edited April 7, 2021 by flowboy

[Origins]

@Flowerfaeiry Maybe he's read something that says that you should wait for the woman to pursue you after sex, serious, etc. Culture is weird like that. There's no easy answer outside of understanding the context fully. Just don't run into his arms. Keep a calm space between you both. Keep anxiety low. If it doesn't work out, don't stress. Also understand one another's attachment styles well. GL.

Edited April 7, 2021 by Origins

[Eternity]

@Flowerfaeiry  You sound very sweet.  But I'm afraid you threw the balance off right at the start, if you already had sex with him before he showed you he was really interested.  This is how these toxic relationships get started.  Other men  won't tell you not to have sex unless they are your brother or some other male relation, because bros won't mess up another bro's free lunch.  That's the code of the brotherhood.  So you don't seem like you knew him very long?  Not long enough to know whether you were more than just a booty call?  Yes, guys can just go out with you or get you alone to have sex and then walk away, no attachment.  Really you need to let him take the lead but you are the guardian of the key to paradise.  If he really wants to see you, he knows how, believe me.  But don't go handing him sex on a platter anymore, until you know if it's you he wants or just the use of your free sex service.  And see how easily we get twisted and obsessed about a one time sexual encounter?  That's where it all goes off the rails because girls want to take the lead which emasculates him.  The balance is off kilter and it's an uphill fight to interest him unless he is truly attracted.  He has you where he wants you, you're ready and waiting whenever he snaps his fingers.  Don't chase him down, don't call, let him be the man next time.  You're supposed to be the prey, not the other way around.  He's supposed to be pursuing and you just go about your life.  You were fine before him, you'll be fine after him.  Go out with gfs, take a yoga class just find yourself other interests, write in a journal.  Just don't wait by the phone for him to call.  He's not the be all and end all in your life.

[freejoy]

This is fun!

If this is a guy you really want, not to use or some dark reason then...

Go slow. 

I once read a book called "The Principles of Seduction" very good book for getting someone to fall in love with you. 

The author using science found there are three things one must do to get someone to fall head over hills in love with you.

One must be very attentive and subtle. There are three core aspects to ones personality when affirmed and subtlety appreciated will make them think you are there soul mate.

1. Male/female

2. Introvert/extrovert

3. Conservative/liberal

These are what really matter.

For example, two people (male/female) in the library, fire alarm they go outside but it's raining a little. He offers his coat. This affirms her femaleness.

Introvert will talk about their ideas, just a little nod or smile can affirm this aspect of their personality. It builds like a pinball machine.

Extroverts will want to be seen preforming good. 

Little by little the lights start flashing on.

As you keep pucking their strings all the lights come on.

These are very deep things that people have about themselves.

 

[Etherial Cat]

14 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

So there's this guy who I'm interested in and I've made it clear I'm interested. We actually had sex already. I don't mind pursuing but at what point do I stop and let him pursue me? If he doesn't pursue me does that mean he's not that interested? 

We need more informations to assess your situation.

There is likely something going wrong if you've got to pursue him. Especially after sex.

I would stop pursuing him now and let him do the heavy lifting.

If you've been contacting him and he's showing low investment in his replies, you should start considering you're dealing with someone who might be not really interested or do not want the same things as you.

[integral]

Ask him. "Are you interested in having a long term relationship? Do you see us together that way?".

ahahah Not sure why this wouldn't work, unless he is the type of person to lie about this kind of thing. Then... you don't want him... lol Look for someone more mature. But not sure how to tell if he lies about it. 

Well if you cant have a 100% open conversation with someone or go meta with them... i mean whats the point? lol

I understand we are all supposed to play these build up courtship games. In my experience i just get to the point. No confusion. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by integral

[Flowerfaeiry]

15 hours ago, flowboy said:

If you don't let him take initiative at least sometimes, you're taking away a chance to feel manly.

Why are you wondering whether you can stop pursuing? Doesn't that mean you're already doing it out of fear?

If you feel like pursuing, I'd do it in a womanly fashion, dropping hints of what you'd like to do together but still letting him take the actual initiative. E.g. "I've never seen X movie before." "Would be totally awesome to Y." "You could totally get me to Z;)" so that his dumb man-brain can still go: "Let's do X/Y/Z tomorrow" and feel like he asked you out.

 

If all else fails and he just doesn't take initiative, there's two possibilities: 1. He's just not that into you. 2. He hasn't integrated some parts of manhood and is in some ways still a boy. And that's okay, if you're cool with that, but the healthy way to deal with that is not to fall into the masculine role and do the work for him, because it will harm the sexual dynamic, but to inspire him to grow into the man role more, within your interaction. If you don't hear anything in two weeks, you might tell him straight up that you are still waiting for him to ask you out.

Good ideas. Thanks. 

 

12 hours ago, Eternity said:

@Flowerfaeiry  You sound very sweet.  But I'm afraid you threw the balance off right at the start, if you already had sex with him before he showed you he was really interested.  This is how these toxic relationships get started.  Other men  won't tell you not to have sex unless they are your brother or some other male relation, because bros won't mess up another bro's free lunch.  That's the code of the brotherhood.  So you don't seem like you knew him very long?  Not long enough to know whether you were more than just a booty call?  Yes, guys can just go out with you or get you alone to have sex and then walk away, no attachment.  Really you need to let him take the lead but you are the guardian of the key to paradise.  If he really wants to see you, he knows how, believe me.  But don't go handing him sex on a platter anymore, until you know if it's you he wants or just the use of your free sex service.  And see how easily we get twisted and obsessed about a one time sexual encounter?  That's where it all goes off the rails because girls want to take the lead which emasculates him.  The balance is off kilter and it's an uphill fight to interest him unless he is truly attracted.  He has you where he wants you, you're ready and waiting whenever he snaps his fingers.  Don't chase him down, don't call, let him be the man next time.  You're supposed to be the prey, not the other way around.  He's supposed to be pursuing and you just go about your life.  You were fine before him, you'll be fine after him.  Go out with gfs, take a yoga class just find yourself other interests, write in a journal.  Just don't wait by the phone for him to call.  He's not the be all and end all in your life.

I sound sweet? Lol. Thanks for the advice tho. 

 

[Emerald]

On 4/6/2021 at 5:48 PM, Flowerfaeiry said:

So there's this guy who I'm interested in and I've made it clear I'm interested. We actually had sex already. I don't mind pursuing but at what point do I stop and let him pursue me? If he doesn't pursue me does that mean he's not that interested? 

Just keep following your intuition, and it will lead you where you're meant to go.

If that ends the relationship, it wasn't the right relationship. If it strengthens the relationship, good.

But the main thing is to do what you feel good doing without regard to the outcome. 

You may notice if any fear-based behaviors arise in you, and deal with those. But if you're enjoying the process here, just keep going. And if he likes it, he can stick around.

The last thing I recommend is playing a game where you pretend to be less interested than you are. That's masculine energy stuff because you're striving for some outcome and sapping yourself of joy in the process. Be more Yin and outcome independent and just enjoy your time with him. And if it repels him, it was meant to.

[Eternity]

@Flowerfaeiry  Ok then, you're not sweet.  I can deal with that too.  Maybe I should have said naive.  Would that be more to your liking?  lol

[Hardkill]

On 4/6/2021 at 2:48 PM, Flowerfaeiry said:

So there's this guy who I'm interested in and I've made it clear I'm interested. We actually had sex already. I don't mind pursuing but at what point do I stop and let him pursue me? If he doesn't pursue me does that mean he's not that interested? 

Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him out with anything that would be useful to him or his life purpose. Men really appreciate and love that. 

 

On 4/7/2021 at 7:35 PM, Emerald said:

Just keep following your intuition, and it will lead you where you're meant to go.

If that ends the relationship, it wasn't the right relationship. If it strengthens the relationship, good.

But the main thing is to do what you feel good doing without regard to the outcome. 

You may notice if any fear-based behaviors arise in you, and deal with those. But if you're enjoying the process here, just keep going. And if he likes it, he can stick around.

The last thing I recommend is playing a game where you pretend to be less interested than you are. That's masculine energy stuff because you're striving for some outcome and sapping yourself of joy in the process. Be more Yin and outcome independent and just enjoy your time with him. And if it repels him, it was meant to.

Wouldn't being detached from an outcome also be yang or masculine energy? My understanding is that by being emotionally detached from anything or from any outcome makes you more rational, pragmatic, and nonchalant which are masculine traits. Am I correct?

 

 

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him out with anything that would be useful to him or his life purpose. Men really appreciate and love that. 

 

Wouldn't being detached from an outcome also be yang or masculine energy? My understanding is that by being emotionally detached from anything or from any outcome makes you more rational, pragmatic, and nonchalant which are masculine traits. Am I correct?

Yin and Yang always go together in everything. They are never separate. Shiva and Shakti dance together within the macrocosm of the universe and in the microcosm of atom. They exist as complements within every living and non-living system.

But if we draw some broad strokes, detachment from outcome is Yin, while aiming toward a particular outcome is Yang.

Yang goes from point a to point b as it has a set destination and goal. Yin starts at point a and ends up where the wind blows it.

That said, detachment from outcome, which is Yin must happen before certain Yang traits can be tapped into... such as rationality. 

This is why you can't really integrate one side without integrating the other. Everything has both energies and they're always intricately intertwined on every layer of everything.

You can paint some broad strokes and say that "This thing is masculine" or "This thing is feminine" which are true in an approximate way... but in the nuances there is always both.

Another example of this would be in connecting to personal sovereignty.

Personal sovereignty is Yang/masculine in the sense that it enables you to set boundaries and be strong. But it is Yin/feminine in the sense that personal sovereignty CANNOT be achieved without being intimately aware of and sensitive to the emotions and the instincts which are Yin. And this is because emotions/feelings/instincts is your inner compass that lets you know that you're setting boundaries in accordance with your personal sovereignty. 

If you try to set boundaries and gather strength from the mind, which is Yang, then you will not be able to. Your boundaries will either be too hard or too soft, as you won't be connected with the body (which is Yin). 

Basically, polarity is more nuanced than most people fathom it to be. And because Yin and Yang are never separate, trying to integrate one without the other won't happen.