Getting out of a pile of shit

[Seeker531]

I start writing this journal in order to have a place to express myself and motivate myself to do the work and maybe get some feedback during my journey out of a huge pile of shit being stuck in. I'll probably write about quite different areas of my live and things that I want to express. 

This journey is a way out of pain and darkness towards hope, healing and a financially stable live. 

To begin with let's see what's working not so well. First of all my body. Since an accident 3 years ago where I shattered my feet and elbow I have now trouble walking, I can neither jump nor run nor stand for longer periods of time (maybe an hour and a half) and often get an tennis elbow. I've spent almost an year in a wheelchair. So I can't work in my original profession in a lab anymore. Then I have to expect some more reconstructing at my feet over the next years. The chances I get back in a lab with this conditioning are quite low, so I have to get a new one. 

The next thing are my traumas. During my childhood I experienced all kinds of abuse and bullying and I got multiple ptsds and due to the accident I got some more and depression. So there is a lot of work to do and already in progress. I must say it got so much better through spiritual work like mindfulness, emotional scale, meditation and shadow work but there is much room to grow upwards left. 

Due to the lack of bodily health I need to find a way to earn money with my brains. I consider to study part time because then I might get it payed. But the downside would be that it takes a much longer and I am already old (31). It's hard to don't lose track. I am also going to get some advice about retraining. But first I get operated in the end of april. 

 

 

 

Edited April 6, 2021 by Seeker531

[Seeker531]

During yesterdays zazen session in the dojo some old trauma came up so I decided to give it some space and feel into it. In order to do so I'll cut down to zero my most harmful distractions which are porn, news and social media. Maybe I'll add an psychedelic in the last days. From now on let's feel the shit out of it. 

[GreenLight]

@Seeker531 Is it a real dojo or is it just a place you call "dojo"?

[Seeker531]

It's a place where people meet to practice zazen under the instruction of a few very experienced sotho-school deciples( the most experienced has more than 30years of practice). There is a shrine and it's very ceremonial. But on monday I'm gonna stay in a thai temple for a night. That's a real monastry with monks I've been visiting  occasionally for years. But that doesn't mean I'm somehow advanced. It pulls me to this places but I've refused to look at my shaddow for years and every time I got close I had something that pulled me away. Slowly I uncover it. It's huge. I'm a little afraid of the operation next Friday. 

I've made lots of notes this week. I'm gonna put them in here over the next days. 

[Seeker531]

I'm lying hospital now. Yesterday they straightened my deformed toes and removed 2plates and 11 2inch screws. When I go with the pain and feel it I hardly need pain killers. That's kind of funny because I have a diagnosed pain processing disorder. But now I understand it more as resisting to feeling the trauma(bodily or mentally) I will be walking on crutches for the next 6 weeks. Step by step to a better life. 

I see more and more the needs I've denied myself and I want to change that. I'm gonna need a new profession. I might go to university again and would get it paid if I do it part time. The downside would be that it would take much longer and I'm not sure what to study. Maybe social work. The thing is that I come from a degree of utter hopelessness and I'm building up better perspectives and it improved a lot but it's still difficult to see opportunities and take right action. I feel the urge to take any straw but that wouldn't be wise. My body and mind need time to heal. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Seeker531]

I need a vision. Something that's worth fighting for.