Feeling like a mistake

[Max_V]

When thinking about making this topic I actually wanted to make another account, to stay anonymous, because of how ashamed I feel of myself and talking about this.

Because of my autism, I feel like I will never be able to conquer the challenges I need to to become a mature man. I feel like no girl will ever be interested in me because of my idiosyncrasies and eccentricity. I feel so different from everyone else, I don't understand how it is even possible that I am here. I feel like I will never be strong enough to walk up to that girl I like and talk to her because of how utterly disgusted she will be by the person she sees. I feel like such a weak little mistake that should never have existed. The crazy thing is, this girl keeps seeking eye contact with me, even after a year of me not having the balls to come up to her. My insides are screaming at me right now. 

I just wanted to share this. thanks. 

 

[Loving Radiance]

@Max_V  I see you and I love that you shared this despite feeling shame. Expressing this is essential.

[BornToBoil]

@Max_V don't allow the level of your success with women define you as a person. There is much more to life than dating and relationships. 

Also, I know it sounds cliche, but stop caring so much what others will think about you. Lets say you approach this girl and she finds you utterly disgusting, so what? At least you will be proud of yourself for actually being brave enough to approach her, who cares about what she will think about you.

[Max_V]

@Loving Radiance Thank you, friend. Your message touched me. 

@BornToBoil

1 minute ago, BornToBoil said:

Also, I know it sounds cliche, but stop caring so much what others will think about you. Lets say you approach this girl and she finds you utterly disgusting, so what? At least you will be proud of yourself for actually being brave enough to approach her, who cares about what she will think about you.

I care, because the excruciating pain of being rejected and outcast from the world I've experienced multiple times throughout my life. I don't want to feel that again. 

[BornToBoil]

@Max_V I understand, but you will have to go through experiencing it (or at least the fear of experiencing it) if you want to change your life.

Just imagine how awesome it will be once you overcome that shit.

[BornToBoil]

@Max_V Also finding a purpose in life does wonders to your self esteem and not worrying about being judged or being an outcast.

[BornToBoil]

@Max_V You are not a mistake, nobody is a mistake. You have a purpose in life you just have to find it.

I don't know what kind of music you like, but maybe this will raise your spirit a bit:

 

 

[soularlight]

You are beautiful. What if you are not a mistake? What if your thinking is mistaken? Really consider this. 

What if the shame is telling you that you are viewing yourself in a way that is not in accordance with your heart's inner knowing that you are worthy and enough as you are? 

I love you. Really. 

[Preety_India]

@Max_V I'm so sorry 

You're loved. But learn to deal with this. This is life. This is reality. 

This attitude is helping me a lot. 

I broke up with my boyfriend last month. 

I feel incredibly alone. I'm single. 

I have accepted that this is my fate. 

I will never find the man I want. 

Because the man I want, usually does not find me up to the mark and rejects me and the man who likes me, I don't like him because of some clash or lack of attraction. 

So i have come to believe that it will never work in my case and this is how it will always be. 

I have decided to accept my fate as a loner. 

I try to have imaginary boyfriends, because in reality, loneliness is difficult to deal with. 

I don't feel enough as a woman. So there is a lot of feeling of unworthiness 

 

Plus having mental illness makes it very tough to act normal 

 

Just to let you know that others are like you, that is me, and they exist and feel the same way. 

I have given up my hopes on dating. I'm just trying to save shame. I don't wish to shame myself. 

I will die alone. And that will be my fate. And absolutely nothing will stop it.. 

What is helping me right now more than ever is accepting this reality and not fighting with it. That's freedom 

 

Also please don't judge yourself by your dating life. We live in a cruel world. That judges us by factors of attraction. Some of it cannot be blamed. It will be the way it is. 

But we should not  let that judgement define us.. Ultimate love lies in releasing yourself from all judgement. 

 

 

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[soularlight]

25 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Max_V I'm so sorry 

You're loved. But learn to deal with this. This is life. This is reality. 

This attitude is helping me a lot. 

I broke up with my boyfriend last month. 

I feel incredibly alone. I'm single. 

I have accepted that this is my fate. 

I will never find the man I want. 

Because the man I want, usually does not find me up to the mark and rejects me and the man who likes me, I don't like him because of some clash or lack of attraction. 

So i have come to believe that it will never work in my case and this is how it will always be. 

I have decided to accept my fate as a loner. 

I try to have imaginary boyfriends, because in reality, loneliness is difficult to deal with. 

I don't feel enough as a woman. So there is a lot of feeling of unworthiness 

 

Plus having mental illness makes it very tough to act normal 

 

Just to let you know that others are like you, that is me, and they exist and feel the same way. 

I have given up my hopes on dating. I'm just trying to save shame. I don't wish to shame myself. 

I will die alone. And that will be my fate. And absolutely nothing will stop it.. 

What is helping me right now more than ever is accepting this reality and not fighting with it. That's freedom 

 

Also please don't judge yourself by your dating life. We live in a cruel world. That judges us by factors of attraction. Some of it cannot be blamed. It will be the way it is. 

But we should not  let that judgement define us.. Ultimate love lies in releasing yourself from all judgement. 

 

 

 

Have you ever thought that maybe your sense of unworthiness is causing a lot of rejections? What would happen if you accepted that you are worthy and enough? Perhaps everything would change. The truth is that you ARE worthy, and if you see it and accept it, that will shine and people will be drawn to you.

Ultimate Love would never see you as unworthy or something to be ashamed of. That is not love, that is fear/ego. You are already judging yourself as unworthy and something to be ashamed of. You can change that. Whether that gives you your dream relationship is besides the point, but it certainly increases the chances. The point is that you will know that you are worthy and there will be no shame. That is freedom. That is very, very attractive too. It is amazing how attractive it is to know your worthiness and knowing that you are enough. 

Love

[BornToBoil]

@Preety_India come on, don't give up like that. You are something like 30 years old right? You will still have lots of opportunities to find someone. 

There are so many people on earth, how is that possible that not a single one from them will be a perfect match for you?

You are such a great person, you deserve an awesome fulfilling relationship. Seeing you saying stuff like that makes me sad.

[Preety_India]

@BornToBoil I'm 27 but I have given up. 

 

[Preety_India]

@BornToBoil what would you do? 

 

[Surfingthewave]

@Max_V Autism is a superpower. Own it. 

Your idiosyncrasies and eccentricity makes you, you, and the right person will fall in love with that. 

Start to see yourself as worthy of love. 

 

[BornToBoil]

@Preety_India Well, first I would ask myself what in my opinion stops me from creating a relationship that I want with a person that I want. Is it looks, is it my mental ilnessess, is it the fact that a person like that will never like me back or that there are no people like that where I live, etc. 

This way I would write down the biggest limiting beliefs that I have and then deconstruct them one by one in a form of a dialog with myself. I really love journaling. It has made much more impact in my life than meditation and other self-help practices. I guess you too since you have so many journals here.

I obviously don't know the whole situation, but it seems that most of your obstacles are internal which means you can deal with them by working on yourself.

Also, I think it would be useful to forget about dating and all that stuff for a while and just focus on yourself. But not in negative way "I will forever be alone so I won't even bother trying, even thiugh I am lonely and would love to have a great relationship". More in a "ok I need some rest from all that shit and I am going to focus on myself for a while and when the time is right I will focus on finding the right relationship for me".

And I woildn't give up, at least not forever. I think it's normal to sometimes give up on a momentarily thing "this particular guy will not like me back" or "ok, I will it that cookie today even though I decided to stop eating sweets" but you shouldn't give up on stuff that is important for you permanently "I will never find the right person for me so I will never ever try again and die alone" or "damn, I've tried to quit eating sweets 10 times already and failed, I will never make it. I should just stop trying and die from diabities".

Seriously you are just 27 you have so much time left, a lot of things can change, especually since you are already doing personal development work unlike most people, just don't loose hope.

I understand that it's much easier for me to be wise and smart while not being in your situation, but still I hope that I can at least give you some food for thought.

[BornToBoil]

@Preety_India also, when it comes to relationshio advice specifically, I think people shouldn't try to come up with the exact image of a "perfect partner" in their head. I have noticed you do it a lot (good boy vs bad boy, masculine or not, and all that stuff) I think you got caught up in theories too much. 

I guess it's better to just be open to experiencing different kinds of relationships with different people and make decisions wether you like them or not individually without labelling and categorizing them. So, instead of saying: "I don't want a good boy", saying: "I don't want to continue dating Bob"

Yeah, it might be more stressful and scary, but I think it's better strategy in the long-term. Although balance is importing and you should learn from past relatuonships and analyze what went wrong. Just don't gettoo defensive and closed off.

Personally, I have no idea what kind of person I will actually resonate with when it actually comes to an individual case because it's so complex. So I don't bother creating a vision of my perfect partner. 

 

P.S. sorry for mistakes, I am typing this on my phone

Edited April 3, 2021 by BornToBoil

[Preety_India]

@BornToBoil good. Thanks 

 

[integral]

@Max_V Hey, as an autistic who got his first gf later in life then most people do, i can say you just need some experience to boost your confidence. Once you rip the bandade off it gets alot easier. 

In my situation major social anxiety and fears that caused me to second guess if a girl was flirting with me, kept me a virgin. The only thing that got me out of it was a girl basically forced herself onto me. The reason this even happened in the first place was because i had been focusing all my energy on self development and with that built up my body to an athletic level (it matters) as well as posture confidence, body coordination and tonal voice confidence (even if faked). 

If you have insurmountable anxiety it might make sense to focus on the things you can control. 

Knowing how to stand and speak confidently and building a strong athletic body makes it basically impossible to be single for long. Best part is it can be practiced everyday and improvement comes quickly. 

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by integral

[integral]

6 hours ago, Max_V said:

I care, because the excruciating pain of being rejected and outcast from the world I've experienced multiple times throughout my life. I don't want to feel that again. 

Focus on having normal confident conversations with people not sweeping them off their feat into a fantasy romance. If there is chemistry it will naturally evolve into something more as long as you have some sense to move it along from there. 

This is assuming the strategy is not pick up, thats a very different game. Might also be worth doing.  

Edited April 3, 2021 by integral

[Max_V]

@BornToBoil

On 3-4-2021 at 7:04 PM, BornToBoil said:

Also finding a purpose in life does wonders to your self esteem and not worrying about being judged or being an outcast.

Good advice, I have been working on that for some time now, will keep at it. This ego-backlash just made me forget all the things I have done and am doing that I'm proud of and only see the bad. Hard to see sunlight when a black sheet is pulled over your head.

@Surfingthewave

On 3-4-2021 at 10:23 PM, Surfingthewave said:

@Max_V Autism is a superpower. Own it. 

Your idiosyncrasies and eccentricity makes you, you, and the right person will fall in love with that. 

Start to see yourself as worthy of love. 

All the experiences I've had up until now have made me believe the absolute opposite. I feel quite doomer about having autism. How would you suggest I flip this frame of mind around? Hard to do that with 21 years of experience weighing me down, and I also don't find it fair to completely throw all those experiences out of the window. 

@integral

I'm in therapy for social anxiety and working on my Life Purpose. Will keep at it! I really wish corona would calm down so in the summer I have a better opportunity to work on that anxiety. Having the extra factor of corona added on top makes it extra stressful.