A trap I fell into

[trenton]

When I first started following actualized.org, I pushed myself with a self deception.  This was the self deception that the truth is important even though I knew it to be meaningless to me.  This seemed necessary at some point as I was attempting to point to something that I struggle to point to and articulate.  This leads to many mistakes when I am trying to express the one thing I am drawn to, but can't grasp it.

If you push yourself to seek the truth, it creates a corrupting influence if you do not actually care about truth.  This leads to creating a false identity which leads to more suffering.  This identity will then be maintained by pretending I know things I don't.  This leads to ideology, dogma, religion, bigotry, and violence.  I think it is worth understanding how this trap works because it is a very popular trap for humanity to fall into.

When I more clearly explained what the trap is that makes me drawn to religion and politics, I was much more peaceful.  I still struggle to articulate what is the thing that I am interested in.  The closest I can get to explaining it is by describing what it is not.

[soularlight]

Can you allow The Truth to be revealed instead of pushing? Can you allow it to be simple and effortless? 

[trenton]

45 minutes ago, soularlight said:

Can you allow The Truth to be revealed instead of pushing? Can you allow it to be simple and effortless? 

Yes I think that is possible.  I don't think it is necessary to have any prevailing thought about it.  This leads to silence and inner peace.  It looks like the most effective way to approach this and extra effort ends up making it harder than it needs to be.

[trenton]

@trenton I actually notice a similar sense of pushing when I play competitive games.  I act like winning is more important than it actually is.  I end up making things harder on myself when I pretend that I have to win even though it is not as important as I act like it is.  This again leads to leave by letting go of results.

[soularlight]

16 minutes ago, trenton said:

Yes I think that is possible.  I don't think it is necessary to have any prevailing thought about it.  This leads to silence and inner peace.  It looks like the most effective way to approach this and extra effort ends up making it harder than it needs to be.

I agree. What if it is easier than easy?

I mean, how easy can it be? How easy will you allow it to be? 

Can not peace, happiness and inner joy be as natural as breathing? 

Are you open to that possibility? 

[trenton]

21 minutes ago, soularlight said:

I agree. What if it is easier than easy?

I mean, how easy can it be? How easy will you allow it to be? 

Can not peace, happiness and inner joy be as natural as breathing? 

Are you open to that possibility? 

I am open to this possibility.

I hesitate to type about how making things harder is supposed to be an example of strength.  It is a very perplexing thought.  This creates misery and does not really develop emotional muscles outside of suppression which is unhealthy in the long run.  It may have to do with pride in overcoming difficult challenges which actually don't have to exist.

Anyway I also believed that solving complex puzzles was a sign of genius.  If I create puzzles that don't need to exist, then this creates games.

I think my resistance to making this way easier stems from a confused understanding of strength.  This can physical, emotional, or mental.  The result is that I repeatedly crush myself thinking that a better me will emerge when in fact it just leads to misery.  This can lead to many emotional problems, thus creating weakness in the ability to focus as well as my body falls apart through filling it with bad foods.

I am not sure what an alternative definition of strength would be, but the old one hurts a lot.  Especially since suppression is seen as strength.

I was embarrassed to the point that I hesitated to type all of this.  After typing this I can be a little bit more open to the possibility of making this easier.

[soularlight]

7 minutes ago, trenton said:

I am open to this possibility.

I hesitate to type about how making things harder is supposed to be an example of strength.  It is a very perplexing thought.  This creates misery and does not really develop emotional muscles outside of suppression which is unhealthy in the long run.  It may have to do with pride in overcoming difficult challenges which actually don't have to exist.

Anyway I also believed that solving complex puzzles was a sign of genius.  If I create puzzles that don't need to exist, then this creates games.

I think my resistance to making this way easier stems from a confused understanding of strength.  This can physical, emotional, or mental.  The result is that I repeatedly crush myself thinking that a better me will emerge when in fact it just leads to misery.  This can lead to many emotional problems, thus creating weakness in the ability to focus as well as my body falls apart through filling it with bad foods.

I am not sure what an alternative definition of strength would be, but the old one hurts a lot.  Especially since suppression is seen as strength.

I was embarrassed to the point that I hesitated to type all of this.  After typing this I can be a little bit more open to the possibility of making this easier.

Thank you for sharing.

I do not see something to be embarrassed about. I see someone who is courageous enough to admit where they feel themselves to be at the moment. Can you see that too if you really want to? 

If kind eyes were looking, what would kind eyes see?

What if you do not need to be better? What if the invitation is to open yourself up to the possibility that you are good enough already? 

Would you like to play with me right now? Just play? A simple play of thought?

Just play with the thought that there is an inherent wisdom in you, available at all times. It is loving, kind and wise. 

What does this wisdom want you to know right now? 

[trenton]

@soularlight I can see strength in vulnerability.  What was called strength before was succumbing to shame.  This leads to denial and the idea that I'm not good enough.  This also leads to staying stuck in the same cycle of suppression and judgement until collapse.  In this case I am over compensating because I don't want to fall into the trap of using my identity as vulnerable victim to manipulate people into doing what I want.  In this case vulnerability comes from honesty which comes from strength.

Similarly there is intelligence in admitting mistakes.  The mistake is to deny the mistake.  This demonstrates humility and creates a foundation for growth which uses self honesty rather than self destruction.

As for needing to be better, I get this a lot.  There are several reasons why I hurt myself and try to use fear to change my behavior.  This includes, my job at Kroger, my lack of a vision, my lack of reading, my lack of work ethic that prevents me from typing a book, how I'm not making enough money, and so on.  I constantly feel like I need to change, but this approach is not working.  This leads to guilt caused by failures to live up to better ideals and it is miserable.  I am open to the idea that I am good enough now because of my experience that I will otherwise never be good enough if I always have to be better.  The bar can keep getting higher forever as a way to push myself to make desirable outcomes, but it does not work in many cases.

I'm not sure what we would be playing.

Whatever we play, always trying to win makes me more tense and it takes fun out of the game.  This leads to the meta game.

What does wisdom want me to know now?  Probably that there is nothing wrong with me.  This would help with the anxiety medicine.  At least I won't paralyze myself with high levels of anxiety.  This would also mean that I am perfect.  This sounds unbelievable, but it is logically true of there is nothing wrong with me.  The same probably applies to everyone and everything.  This would mean that wrong is imaginary and can only exist through giving it authority and power.  This means that from one point of view the problem is that the idea of wrong creates a problem, but the problem does not exist if nothing is wrong.  If there is no wrong, then there is only what is.

I was open to this possibility for a moment, but started closing again.  If it can be easy rather than hard, this makes me more open.  If I wish I were open in the future, then that is not going to work because it implies that I'm not good enough.  It would have to be now.  I don't feel open right now, and that is okay.  In this case the motive is to avoid denial which would keep me stuck, rather than to use self acceptance to keep oneself stuck.  This all would still mean that I am perfect though.  That does not change.

[Nahm]

@trenton

Would it be more simple, rather than trying to find the right thoughts about your self, to try to find the self the thoughts are about? 

[trenton]

8 hours ago, Nahm said:

@trenton

Would it be more simple, rather than trying to find the right thoughts about your self, to try to find the self the thoughts are about? 

That would probably be easier.  I think I should try Leo's guided meditation about how I am God a few more times while I am in the woods.  Right now it is Easter and I am too busy to do that, but I have plans.

In a sense none of the thoughts about me are right if they are representations.  This is a good point you're making because I get very absorbed in thoughts and self judgement.

[Nahm]

@trenton

Well if you weren’t so damn awesome these thoughts wouldn’t be all discord-ish. Good luck with not being awesome. All who’ve tried have failed.