Dr. Mike(my therapist) therapy notes.

[Preety_India]

Remember this one important thing. 

Just because someone helps you doesn't make that person a great person. 

Some people do it just for chest thumping. 

They wanna show how nice they can be especially publicly?? Like they are good old helpers, the compassionate souls. 

Remember these are narcissists looking for power and praise and reward. 

Just like those who run for a photo opportunity while hugging a poor or sick child just to show how much they care about the world. 

The people who excessively praise and help you without asking aren't really nice people. They have a different agenda in helping you. Their own agenda. 

It's not about you. It's about them. 

I had enough of these creepy nice men approach me like they care. 

It's just hideous. 

People who genuinely care about you are open in life. They won't close up to connect with you. They won't mind you being in their lives if they are so nice to you. Right? 

Why will they act like they don't know you and then come around and try to help you? 

 

Don't you understand that it's an act? 

 

[Preety_India]

Know who your enemies are and who your friends are. 

Don't underestimate your friends. They could do just as much harm as your  enemies. 

Because they care less what happens to you. 

I have been fucked over, not by my enemies,, but by my friends. 

They have caused me more pain and hurt for having trusted them than the so called enemies and haters. 

I trust very few people now when it comes to confiding in people. I probably trust only a handful with sharing my personal life. 

My enemies are kinda more attractive to me, because even if they showed me how much they hated me, in times of trouble, they left me alone and let me my own space to heal. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

One of the reasons why I am so attracted to (in a sadomasochistic manner), to bad boys, abusive men or just my haters sometimes, especially guys who are super mean to me, is related to this truth where every time I believed and trusted a nice man acting like he cares about me, it always resulted in me being betrayed, me being punished for trusting him enough, and the haters were the ones who actually cared more about me in the moment, they were the ones who would reach out to me, not in a supportive way, but in a 'general tough' love way, telling me what I should do and being tough with me, while also advising me the right thing to do, questioning my naive beliefs and going around breaking my illusions and serving me with brutal truths and wake up calls and shaking the hell out of me. As if they couldn't bear seeing me getting slowly destroyed by my own actions or lack thereof. 

The same bullies who hated me came to my rescue when I was falling apart out of pity or whatever. 

This source of pity was more genuine than all the love shown by fake friends. 

This made me begin to have a sadomasochistic attraction to those who would be really keen on hating me. Like bullies. Because they actually showed me more love and hope in a weird way. 

It's like having a devil who I eventually fall in love with. There are elements of Stockholm Syndrome here, big time, this is to be expected in a way because I was abused by a person who I was supposed to trust. I had to learn to combine trust and abuse as love in my mind. I had to integrate elements of both love and abuse while growing up and consider an abuser, a lover. This was instilled in me since childhood that the one who beats me is also the one who loves me. I couldn't separate the two. 

If you have been sexually abused by someone who is also supposed to be your caregiver or guardian, then you can't distinguish between love and abuse. 

I started to suffer Stockholm Syndrome early on in my teens. I was already broken. My trust and boundaries completely violated. The person who abused me also showed me love on occasions.. 

This created an idea in my mind that abusers can show moments of love. 

I began to associate these ideas with the devil. The Devil hating me while also raping me, while also giving me affection, while raping me. It was messed up. 

This began to play out in my relationships as I became an adult where the abusive guys showed me control and domination and I began to take it as love. Their mean behavior was attractive because somewhere in that mean behavior, I was looking to please the Devil, looking for some bit of affection from these abusive mean guys, just the way I had learned to look for affection in my abuser when I was a child.

So even if the guys were abusive to me, I would still try very hard to please them. Because somewhere deep down I still believed that they loved me. Because that's the only way I had gotten some affection in life - through abuse. 

There was no man who was being loving to me and at the same time being respectful to me in the same breath. It wasn't going to be. 

I think we sometimes attract partners who tend to play out our past traumas. I attracted men who were the type who would beat me and also love me. 

In my case, there was normalization of abuse. 

As long as they gave me affection, it didn't matter what boundaries they violated. 

So came along these fantasy ideas about Devil and God. Being protected by God and being fucked by the Devil. 

Being loved by the devil in a sadomasochistic way. Where the Devil would love me in return if I took his whipping silently (elements of Stockholm Syndrome, trying to please a parent who beats me, trying to please a parent who will rape me and control me) 

But this Devil wouldn't harm me ( I felt kidnapped as a child by my abuser and always felt that if I obeyed my kidnapper and did what they liked to the point where they begin to see unquestionable obedience in me then they won't harm me. They would actually love me so the beatings and torture was ok if the reward was protection from ultimate death. It's a survival mechanism that develops in cases of deep abuse.) 

I began to see the Devil as an abuser who would not kill me if I pleased him enough. If I obeyed him. 

This very well played out in my relationship with Joseph. If I pleased him and obeyed him, he wouldn't abandon me. If I showed distrust or didn't obey, then he would threaten to abandon me or get abusive. I became used to this kind of love, that was devoid of any respect or boundaries. If I had to receive any tiny bit of affection, then it had to be dispensed in this way. He would constantly talk about spanking me. It was his sadomasochistic way of showing me love. In other words, in a more metaphorical way he was trying to say "obey me and take my shit if you want my love." and obey I did. 

It takes a lot of time to undo these mental patterns created in childhood and come to realize what true love means. 

Although I have come a long way and I would never have a boyfriend like Joseph again, there are still remnants of all these experiences that I need to start mending. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So why am I attracted to the devil? 

In the same breath, why am I attracted to someone who is mean to me? 

Why am I attracted to a dominant narcissist? 

Because I was raised by one. 

 

There were so many similarities between Joseph and my mother, that it wouldn't be surprising to say that Joseph was my mother in male form. And the strongest attraction and bonding I had experienced with a man in my life, out of all the boyfriends I had, it had to be Joseph. 

It is astonishing, looking back in time when during our first conversation, Joseph said to me that he would punch me so bad that I would land in a coma. And it excited me. I told him that he reminded me of someone that came back from the grave, someone that I had already known. Had my subconscious mind already predicted my mother's death??? 

Why did I say that to him? Why did he make me feel like I already knew him? 

Because there was a familiarity component. Joseph symbolized my mother's behavior. 

Growing up I had learned to please my narcissistic mother in whatever way I could by being an extremely obedient daughter, even to the point that I would have allowed myself to be raped by someone if that's what pleased her. 

This addiction to her validation kept growing as a child.

This pattern became instantly familiarized with Joseph. I became protective of him (Stockholm Syndrome activated.) 

Even in a court of law, if Joseph was to be convicted of abuse, I would have protected him by denying all accusations. I would have blamed myself. I wouldn't let him suffer, because even in that moment I would have to please my abuser in whatever way I could. 

It was about unquestioning loyalty and obedience. 

In a way Joseph and me were permanently forged in this sadomasochistic abusive relationship forever. There was no escape. 

He was my master. I was his lover with whom  he could do whatever he pleased. 

I had grown accustomed to all the elements of Stockholm Syndrome by the time I was with Joseph. It was the perfect opportunity. 

He acted exactly like my mother. 

One minute hot, next minute cold. 

One minute he would shower me with affection and extreme affection, it was addictive, reminded me the exact way my mother would show affection. 

His masculinity resembled the masculinity and dominance of my mother. He would get dominating like that. He would demand me the way she would demand things from me when I was a child. 

He would get extremely domineering and demanding just like her. I have no idea why I found it attractive but it might have to do with the fact that I had to please someone like that as a child. So I had to please him. 

Joseph would have fantasies of raping me. He would fantasize controlling me . Although he technically never raped me, every act between us was consensual. He was respectful during sex, only demanding. He never hurt me during sex, but our sexual experiences were very strong, I would orgasm multiple times throughout, he could generate intense sexual feelings in me, and he would experience the same. He would tell me to do things and I would do it. Then he would call me a good girl for obeying him and pleasing him during the spanking.. 

Good girl was his sexual innuendo to indicate that he was thoroughly pleased after fucking me. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

So why am I attracted to the devil? 

 

Because I still think that the devil has some good in him and that he will protect me from bad if I show me trust 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

If God is the representation of soft love, the devil represents mean tough love by removing evil through destructive means. 

The distinctions are Crystal clear now. 

However the malevolent does not show love, only malice, hurt and damage 

It as if the Malevolent is incapable of love, only selfishness and pure destruction with no goal but to destroy the good. 

I can liken this to the Dybbuk or Satan 

 

Notice the differences between Devil and Satan. 

 

[Preety_India]

Alright done with this 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I lost the flow to write this any further. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Family (dysfunctional)

[+]Having your emotions constantly invalidated is the root cause of all anxiet...

[+]Emotionally abused children grow up to struggle with relationships. They de...

[+]The goal of parenting has been to have a compliant and obedient child, not ...

[+]Unhealthy emotional environments in childhood are the root cause of sociopa...

[+]It's harder to detect overt abuse vs emotional abuse

[+]First, parents disapprove of their children's emotions

[+]Anxiety disorder is often the result of extreme self-doubt and self-distrus...

[+]Good parenting involves emotion and good relationships involve emotion.

[+]Emotional dismissal & emotional disapproval are forms of abuse.

[+]Second, they dismiss their childrens emotions.

[+]Third, they offer no practical guidance to the child.

[+]There's no reason to feel sad. Dismissing the childs perspective & reality ...

[+]Even Empathic parents can mislead. Leaving the child lost to how their emot...

Nervous system

Regulation

The brain

Dys-regulation

Self-regulate

Co-regulation

[+]Self-Worth Self-Esteem Self-Value Self-Respect

[+]Self-Trust

[+]Self-Love

[+]Self-Care

[+]Self-Understanding

[+]Self-Acceptance

[+]Self-Doubt

[+]Self-Hate

[+]Self-Neglect

[+]Self-Avoidance

[+]Self-Rejection

[+]Shame

Feelings & healing

[+]Healthy Grief

[+]The completion process

Inner Family Systems Or Parts Work

Holistic Health

Integrated listening systems

Shadow Work

[+]The subconscious mind takes control of anything that interferes with the co...

[+]We are relational dependent as humans. What is acceptable or unacceptable d..

[+]Integration

Auditory Neural Network

[+]The subconscious mind is capable of keeping us alive and destroying our liv...

[+]People tend to project suppressed attitudes on others. Visa versa. Unable t...

[+]We will reject aspects of ourselves that are disapproved of. Anything in th...

[+]For example consider a child who's born into a family where anger isn't an ...

[+]Resistance to uncomfortable feelings causes us pain. Not the uncomfortable ...

[+]After years of self rejection one begins to over compensate

[+]Splitting is the birth of self rejection

[+]Subconcious can high jack & take over your thoughts and emotions. When extr...

[+]If the pain you felt about a matter interfered with your life enough, the s...

[+]Projection has become the most common deflection or cop out from taking an ...

[+]Any extreme aversion to a trait in another is a reflection of the level of ..

[+]Often it is a trait someone else possess. We may or may not exibit that tra...

[+]Intimacy is about knowing yourself and being known by others for who you re..

[+]When the child gets angry he is shamed, so he suppresses and denies his ang...

[+]Self rejection is self hate

[+]Improving your relationship with yourself

[+]Bringing the truth of who you are and being received for that. Intimacy is ...

[+]Over time the anger becomes subconscious. He will not be aware that he is a...

[+]Subtopic

[+]1. Bring awareness to your emotions

[+]The language of the soul is feelings

[+]2. Care about what you are feeling

[+]3.Truly try to understand your emotions.

[+]4. Validate your emotions and listen to them. Acknowledge the emotion is pr...

[+]5. Feel your emotions fully until they are heard

[+]6. Lastly begin to reframe how you see the situation. Don't orce it. Repeat..

[+]Society bullshit programming

[+]Labeling people as overly sensitive

[+]Teaching that feelings are weakness

[+]Teaching no patience for emotions

[+]Trauma - A state of emotional and mental distress caused by an experience

Childhood trauma

Numbing out & dissosation

[+]Triggers

Toxic Shame

[+]Suppressed memories

[+]Emotional Neglect

Cptsd

[+]Creating new identities

[+]Completely detach from reality temporarily to cope with stress and pain

Distraction

[+]Creates splits

[+]Losing a sense of identity

[+]Emotionally distract

[+]Emotional crumbs

[+]Day dreaming

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

OK I just  remembered the concept

.. now finally. 

It's about two types of spiritual practices. 

One is fundamental or heart spirituality. 

And the other is Consciousness based spirituality. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

So here are 

important concepts 

• To be as you are. Save your temple. Save your spirit 
• Heart and Consciousness based spirituality 
• Have love in every moment. 
• Find solace in sadness,nihilism, self pity and silence 
• God and devil are two representations 
• Love governs both good and evil 
• Malevolence is destructive 
• Use masculine energies to motivate the female in you. 
• Acceptance 
• Freedom 
• Strive towards love, beauty, growth, survival, excellence, empowerment, purity, happiness and productivity, prosperity, spirituality, consciousness, conscientiousness 
• Use spirits and guides and animal energies 
• Use support systems 
• Use stage Red motivation 
• Use romance as motivation. 
•  

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The motivation part is lacking in the above concepts 

[Preety_India]

 

I'm so sorry 

 

You're loved. But learn to deal with this. This is life. This is reality. 

This attitude is helping me a lot. 

I broke up with my boyfriend last month. 

I feel incredibly alone. I'm single. 

I have accepted that this is my fate. 

I will never find the man I want. 

 

Because the man I want, usually does not find me up to the mark and rejects me and the man who likes me, I don't like him because of some clash or lack of attraction. 

 

So i have come to believe that it will never work in my case and this is how it will always be. 

 

I have decided to accept my fate as a loner. 

 

I try to have imaginary boyfriends, because in reality, loneliness is difficult to deal with. 

 

I don't feel enough as a woman. So there is a lot of feeling of unworthiness 

 

 

Plus having mental illness makes it very tough to act normal 

Just to let you know that others are like you, that is me, and they exist and feel the same way. 

I have given up my hopes on dating. I'm just trying to save shame. I don't wish to shame myself. 

I will die alone. And that will be my fate. And absolutely nothing will stop it.. 

 

What is helping me right now more than ever is accepting this reality and not fighting with it. That's freedom 

 

Also please don't judge yourself by your dating life. We live in a cruel world. That judges us by factors of attraction. Some of it cannot be blamed. It will be the way it is. 

 

But we should let that judgement define us.. Ultimate love lies in releasing yourself from all judgement. 

 

[Preety_India]

Let love be your motivation. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

So here are 

important concepts 

• To be as you are. Save your temple. Save your spirit 
• Heart and Consciousness based spirituality 
• Have love in every moment. 
• Find solace in sadness,nihilism, self pity and silence 
• God and devil are two representations 
• Love governs both good and evil 
• Malevolence is destructive 
• Use masculine energies to motivate the female in you. 
• Acceptance 
• Freedom 
• Strive towards love, beauty, growth, survival, excellence, empowerment, purity, happiness and productivity, prosperity, spirituality, consciousness, conscientiousness 
• Use spirits and guides and animal energies 
• Use support systems 
• Use stage Red motivation 
• Use romance as motivation. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Try to integrate contrast between concepts. 

 

[Preety_India]

Keep your brain free and not too cluttered. 

• I lack or I'm low in Self awareness 
• I'm low in self reflection 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I created a diagram to understand some concept I'm coming up with. 

But don't have time to explain. 

So will leave the diagram here. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Calming down the inner conflict and frustration. The inner Inferno. 

This is important 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Also find support systems 

I have written about this