Infidelity

[Mango]

I am a 24year old female from India. I was in a serious relationship with him for the past 4 years. After my bachelors in degree we decided that I go to the US and pursue masters while he prepared for the public service commission in India. We decided that we would settle in life and then get married. I thought we were invincible. I love him very dearly. I was emotionally attached to him. But then when I went to US I met this guy who was totally into me and he literally forced me to date him inspite of me continuously turning him away saying that I was committed. But then he started showering love on me which I wasn't able to push him away anymore. I didn't plan on this but I ended up having an affair with him though I never had feelings for him. Then I realized how horrible it was to cheat on a man who was thinking of me.. I confessed it to my boyfriend and asked him to forgive me. I was terribly sorry for my actions. He was totally broken and shattered. He started packing my Watsapp and gmail and wanted to learn what happened. My mom knew something was not correct and so called him up to find out. He ended up telling everything to her. Coming from a very conservative society it was a huge sin. They were very upset for my actions. He called me one day and cried to me. I decided to go back to India and make things right. I discontinued my masters and returned back home. But things are still the same. I was feeling very bad about myself and that's when I came across actualized.org. thanks to Leo i could get to the depth of how things could go wrong all of a sudden. I was not able to believe that I could have done something so bad to the loving relationship. I couldn't accept that I had a bad character. That's when I started to analyze the relationship right from the beginning.. I realized that I had given my boyfriend my strings and he was the one pulling things in the relationship. He was not financially stable because his parents would not give him enough pocket money so I was the one paying for every date or every vacation we took together. Even when I was in US I was helping him study by giving him money every month. I was the one who was supporting him financially. He started to behave as if I owed him that. He was least bit greatful for the pain I took to help him out. I was working on many part timesand curing down on myself to make it happen. This was a shock to me when I realized it. I never even thought that it bothered me when he wouldn't appreciate anything I tried to do. I know seeking for validation is very wrong. But is it really wrong for me to seek love? What do you guys think about what has happened? I want to know properly about why and how and when things started to go wrong. I feel like I still love him. He does not respect me anymore and I know we can never again have the relationship of equals. Even now he thinks i am solely responsible for everything that went wrong in the relationship. Now we decided to part ways for few years and then see what happens.I am meeting him in two days. Please help me know about the flaws of me and him so that I make him also realize this and we could become better people. I want to help him also realize that and help him become a better person. I dont want this beautiful relationship which we shared to be a scar in his heart forever and make him never trust anyone. Am I really at wrong? Can I forgive myself and move on? Can I boldly tell this to the next man I am going to have in my life that I cheated on a man who loved me for four years? Please help guys. Leo I could atleast think this because of you. Orelse I would be a depressed soul who can never forgive herself. What are my charecter flaws? So please help me what I should be doing at this point. Thank you!

Edited February 10, 2016 by amulya

[DanoDMano]

Amulya first off you have to know that every soul on this planet makes mistakes. All of us. It's what we learn from these mistakes that really tells ourselves who we are. Stop beating yourself up. Stop feeling guilty for your actions. Instead ask yourself why it happened? You may find an answer and you may not, but the truth is there. Every mistake (if that is truly what it was) we make is just a piece of who we become. Anyone who uses a mistake against you without allowing for forgiveness doesn't then love you for who you are. That is possession not affection.

Men tend to allow their egos to take control of there emotions in situations like these, and therefore can never look at their own actions, which may be part of the reason the mistake was made in the first place. If it was a mistake. You may think so now but not in the future for it may be exactly what needed to happen in order for your own personal growth and journey.

Only your heart knows what you need to do. No advice from anyone (including your family) can tell you what's right. Only you know that. Follow your intuition on how to proceed. More times than not it's the best judge. Sometimes the most painful direction is still the right one, you just need the strength and determination to follow through with it. All things happen for a reason, trust me in this, I know. You may not understand it in the here and now, but you will someday.

First and foremost, stop feeling guilty about making a mistake, we all do, your no different. Just learn from it and carry on. Good luck in your journey.     

[Ayla]

@amulya

YOU are PERFECT ! 

Let us start from here. What about that? 

Also HE is PERFECT ! 

What you are talking about, are life choices meant to put each one of us on your true path. Nobody is "at fault". Not you and not him. 

I do not know Indian culture enough to give you advice from that perspective, but in my own culture, our main prayer starts with: "OUR Father..( who art in Heaven)". It is OUR Father, yes? It is not only YOURS. So it is NOT for you to help anyone else to do or understand anything at all. Your Father is also your ex's Father and He will help him, as well as you. Your only task here is to help yourself understand better what is the net step you can take! 

If you want to treat this in a logical way, let's go: 

• you are a spec of God
• you perceive that you did something wrong
• the natural conclusion is that God is Wrong, yes? - how can that be? 
• if you don't agree with above conclusion, please inquire what is it that separates you from God? What can it be? Please sit down and see for yourself. 

So in two days, when you will meet this man, think of him as God. Anything that he might tell you, will be his opinion about God (and not about you). Treat it at such. 

You have done nothing wrong. You made the best decision from where you stood right then, with what you had right then. 

Look into your heart and see where you stepped away from your own truth, and move forward with that lesson in your pocket. 

 

[milosmajlo]

You never cheat nor get interested in other man if you really love someone. But somehow what has happened to you is a good thing, as the time goes by your will realize that you've done something that was right for you not what other people want and expect. We as human beings are on a journey, the whole point is to find out who you are and what do you want. Your example shows that you were the leader and he was the follower in your relationship and that right there is a gender roles shift which can't last on the long run. 

[Mango]

5 hours ago, amulya said:

I am a 24year old female from India. I was in a serious relationship with him for the past 4 years. After my bachelors in degree we decided that I go to the US and pursue masters while he prepared for the public service commission in India. We decided that we would settle in life and then get married. I thought we were invincible. I love him very dearly. I was emotionally attached to him. But then when I went to US I met this guy who was totally into me and he literally forced me to date him inspite of me continuously turning him away saying that I was committed. But then he started showering love on me which I wasn't able to push him away anymore. I didn't plan on this but I ended up having an affair with him though I never had feelings for him. Then I realized how horrible it was to cheat on a man who was thinking of me.. I confessed it to my boyfriend and asked him to forgive me. I was terribly sorry for my actions. He was totally broken and shattered. He started packing my Watsapp and gmail and wanted to learn what happened. My mom knew something was not correct and so called him up to find out. He ended up telling everything to her. Coming from a very conservative society it was a huge sin. They were very upset for my actions. He called me one day and cried to me. I decided to go back to India and make things right. I discontinued my masters and returned back home. But things are still the same. I was feeling very bad about myself and that's when I came across actualized.org. thanks to Leo i could get to the depth of how things could go wrong all of a sudden. I was not able to believe that I could have done something so bad to the loving relationship. I couldn't accept that I had a bad character. That's when I started to analyze the relationship right from the beginning.. I realized that I had given my boyfriend my strings and he was the one pulling things in the relationship. He was not financially stable because his parents would not give him enough pocket money so I was the one paying for every date or every vacation we took together. Even when I was in US I was helping him study by giving him money every month. I was the one who was supporting him financially. He started to behave as if I owed him that. He was least bit greatful for the pain I took to help him out. I was working on many part timesand curing down on myself to make it happen. This was a shock to me when I realized it. I never even thought that it bothered me when he wouldn't appreciate anything I tried to do. I know seeking for validation is very wrong. But is it really wrong for me to seek love? What do you guys think about what has happened? I want to know properly about why and how and when things started to go wrong. I feel like I still love him. He does not respect me anymore and I know we can never again have the relationship of equals. Even now he thinks i am solely responsible for everything that went wrong in the relationship. Now we decided to part ways for few years and then see what happens.I am meeting him in two days. Please help me know about the flaws of me and him so that I make him also realize this and we could become better people. I want to help him also realize that and help him become a better person. I dont want this beautiful relationship which we shared to be a scar in his heart forever and make him never trust anyone. Am I really at wrong? Can I forgive myself and move on? Can I boldly tell this to the next man I am going to have in my life that I cheated on a man who loved me for four years? Please help guys. Leo I could atleast think this because of you. Orelse I would be a depressed soul who can never forgive herself. What are my charecter flaws? So please help me what I should be doing at this point. Thank you!

I know I love him very dearly because I have never ever felt this way for any other man and I feel that I can do anything for him. I also feel that I can't have this innocent feeling for any other person. With any other person it would be a logical decision which I will be taking.he is my first love and I never thought before I decided to be with him. I am unable to let go of this innocence. I feel like this should be it. I never ever lied to him and was very honest with him for four year then this happened. I am still unable to figure out why this happened and correct myself. Where did we go wrong in a relationship. I am OK with leting him go as far as we both evolve from it and be happy. I feel like when u love someone they become a part of you whether or not they are with you.