Brain ruined by SSRIs, I hate myself

[Podie45]

I have triggered a condition known as PSSD by taking antidepressants. It stands for Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction.

The symptoms include Anhedonia (loss of all emotions / dopaminergic activity) as well as pleasureless orgasms & loss of libido.

This condition has also fucked with my hormonal profile.

Many people think it's not a big deal, while others say they would've ended it already if they were me. It's been 4 years.

I've tried mostly everything, there's no known cure to this condition and it has caused suicides.

I hate my life, no one is taking this seriously because it's a rare poorly researched issue.

I have talked to many therapists & seen a number of doctors. One told me they'd rather have cancer than be in my situation. Otherwise,

No one knows what to tell me.

I'm so exhausted, I don't know why I'm still here. This is inhuman. I feel as if I was stuck in a prison.

I can't help but replay the good careless moments of my childhood in my head, I envy that kid.

Life feels so empty, I keep dreaming about getting into a car accident or something like that. I wish life would end. Please.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Podie45

[Preety_India]

It's ok. 

 

[Podie45]

@Preety_India I wish it were ok. I wanted a family. I wanted to make life worth it. I can't feel love, happiness, anger, sadness or any of these things. I can't enjoy my 20s sexually either. I see everyone having fun drinking alcohol and such. I can't feel much from that substance, especially not euphoria. I feel cursed. 

I try to keep a ''smile'' on my face, but I ruined my body, 

I can't even properly see this screen right now. There's too many things going on with this HPPD vision. I look at my hands typing this, they're dissociated. How did I handle this for so long.

Where's the end of the tunnel?

[Preety_India]

@Podie45 I understand and I hear you. 

But the more you think about your circumstances, the worse it gets. Try not to focus on it, even if there is a temptation to do so. When those thoughts linger, distract yourself. Life is fucked up anyway, one way or another. The whole idea of thinking that others have it good isn't going to help, makes the pain much worse, and who knows what's in the future for others, there are many many people who are doing equally worse or much worse, and by this I don't mean to downplay any of your struggles, but trying to steer you to look towards the sun, a brighter future awaits for you, maybe not around the corner, not just yet, life is like a flower bud  that can bloom in many directions and show you many wonders, many doors can open, right now there is much frustration in your heart that life isn't working the way you want, turn this frustration into power, the power is always yours no matter what, right now you're quite attached to your life, the more you stay attached, the worse it gets. Try to accept the state of things in the present moment and let it go, so that there is room for better things to come, it's not the end of the road yet, so don't lose hope, this struggle is also worthy of praise as much as is a life of simple pleasures, no struggle is jn vain, learn to embrace struggles as a part of life, that's what makes life meaningful, right now it feels like everything is falling apart, but take refuge in love, God and spirituality, treasure your soul and spirit because your spirit is far bigger, greater and above the experience of life, let this spirit not be tainted and burdened by the impurities, there is be something that will never get corrupted by drugs, money, poverty, ill health, bad relationships, bad circumstances and that is your heart. Keep it pure and invest in acceptance. Find peace within your self, because this world wouldn't give it to you. Find your strength in your spirit to carry through life fearlessly and take what comes and you never have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow, because having love in every moment is greater than any life circumstance, good or bad. 

I hope you understood what I meant. 

 

 

[Podie45]

@Preety_India I did understand what you mean, I'll take this into consideration. Thank you for taking the time to write that.

[Jacob Morres]

hey man, i can understand what youre going through. i have also been in many lows in my life so i can empathize to an extent where you are 

i dont have any advice but check out the last 12 minutes of this video (from 2:28:56): 
it may or may not help,  but it popped in my mind so maybe it could aid you. 

hearts out to you bro

 

Edited April 2, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[DIDego]

@Podie45 Hi and welcome 

Sorry that you are suffering.

 

I have lived with a lot of suffering my self, self-help was the magical word i discovered 2018 at a age of 38.

 

Have you been able to watch and grasp any Actualized.org content?

Edited April 2, 2021 by DIDego

[GreenLight]

5 hours ago, Podie45 said:

 

I can't even properly see this screen right now. There's too many things going on with this HPPD vision. I look at my hands typing this, they're dissociated. How did I handle this for so long.

I got something like this. I quit fluoxetine in November and i started to get these vivid visual illusions. My doctor ruled out mental illness and other substances. He thinks it's migraine or something neurological. I guess they will never blame their own product for this to happen. After 6 months it has subsided a bit and i am going for a brain and eye scan next week. I do not have anhedonia.

Do you think if you got back on the meds this will then return to normal?

Kinda sucks. Neither did i know that SSRI can cause shit like this.

Edited April 2, 2021 by GreenLight

[Leo Gura]

@Podie45 I would keep researching the issue and troubleshooting it if I were you. There should be a way to fix it. Try to find people who had it and lost it, and ask them what things they tried.

Maybe changing your diet, maybe some detox protocols, maybe some psychedelics.... keep trying stuff with the hope that something will help.

Some medical conditions can be very hard to figure out, but they can be figured out.

[lmfao]

@Podie45 If I understand you right you've already quit your SSRI's. Back in July 2020 I made the decision to ween off SSRI's due to anhedonia and numbed emotions. I ended up stopping medication completely by December. 

Still now I have these problems with lack of emotion and the such. Although in the past week and few days, the situation might be slightly different. I've spent a great deal of energy and effort into focusing on my feeling (and letting them go?). And in the absence of as many negative feelings and thoughts, I feel empty and it's unsettling..... The insight here perhaps is that on some level, I really do enjoy my suffering and neuroticism. I enjoy getting indignant, angry, suicidal, miserable, etc. Brutal, but perhaps there's a kernel of truth to that. 

I think that perhaps or despite doing spiritual methods, I need to take things on psychologically/therapeutically for what my shadow is. So psychological + spiritual approach is what I say to you. 

 

Talked too much about myself. So. There'll probably be "no easy" way out for your problems. There are two things I've found to help. 1) Radical honesty [this includes yourself and others] 2) Fully feeling something, and developing concentration in that manner. 

[Enlightenment]

@Podie45 supposedly buspirone can help with that

Quote

The research I conducted concluded that a study in rats found that when a drug called buspar , an 5 htp-1 antagonist was used during ssri treatment it prevented pssd from occurring and was in some cases shown to reverse pssd symptoms . Now important to note this is a study in rats anyway

In your situation, I would try amphetamine (a very dopaminergic drug) and research psychedelic amphetamines

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_psychedelic_drugs

9 hours ago, Podie45 said:

This condition has also fucked with my hormonal profile.

Maybe this is the main problem? Of course, you're not going to have a sex drive if your testosterone is low. Have you thought about hormonal replacement therapy?

[Nahm]

@Podie45

You took the meds to ‘solve’ that you were ignoring well being. Talk to your doctor about weening off the meds as slowly as is possible. Over as many months as possible would be ideal. 

Today, right now, choose well being. Feel the shift in orientation - call that relief alignment. If you don’t feel that relief - let the presently held belief, which is in opposition to it, go. 

Humble to it. Not it to you. 

Sacrifice literally everything else, all activities & beliefs which are in discord (you feel it) with well being. 

Careful not to claim you can’t feel....while you’re paramount concern, is how you feel. 

You’re feeling alright, absolutely. 

Feel the truth of yourself...

You are patient. You are kind. You do not envy. You are not boastful. You do not degrade, diminish, or dishonor others. You are not self seeking, you are giving, and loving. You do not rejoice in thoughts of discord, but in truth. You are always hopeful, you always persevere. You never fail. All knowledge will pass away, but consciousness, silence, you -will eternally remain. 

Turn pain into beauty, by allowing the fetters of untruths about you to naturally fall away. Choose to align perspective, with feeling. 

Pick a tool. Start expressing. Start understanding the emotions you’re experiencing. 

Blame me. Hate me. That is a good start. Don’t settle there though, go all the way up the scale. Empty the cup, which is filled with unwanted. 

There is nothing you can do, think or believe, which could make it such that you are not infinitely loved. Stop trying. Stop denying. 

It’s people like you they fear you know. People that get up. 

 

 

Get up. 

[The0Self]

How long have you been off them? If it hasn't even been 3 months, I'd say you likely have nothing to worry about; just wait. If it's been over 9 months, you may need to do some holistic research and troubleshooting to solve it -- certainly if it's been over 18 months. Somewhere out there, there's very likely a way -- you just haven't found it yet. Probably should get testosterone level checked, to start with.

Edited April 2, 2021 by The0Self

[Podie45]

@DIDego Yes, work is keeping me busy most of the time. Just recently moved out, but whenever I have free time Leo's content is, I feel, the best use of my time.

[Podie45]

@GreenLight I wouldn't recommend you go back on those meds, but I have heard of people fasting for a week or two and having their visual symptoms improve.

I wish I could explain how, but I'm having a hard time understanding the PSSD itself. I think the visual symptoms have something to do with 5HT2A / GABA / Glutamate?

 

[Podie45]

@Enlightenment I went to see endocrinologists. Put on TRT. Increasing testosterone, despite my low T profile, has been useless. Not even an improvement in libido.

I must have tried thousands of pills, I was just recently prescribed Buspar. So far nothing has happened but we'll see. Amphetamines mainly just shoot up dopamine temporarily (not enough to produce an emotional signal), then induce a crash where I feel worse. Definitely more of a short-term solution, but when I'll be done with life enough I may pick up a methamphetamine habbit.

[Podie45]

@The0Self It's been about 4 years. Testosterone is low, put on TRT, this has shown no change except more beard growth.

Hopefully there is way, though.

[Podie45]

@Leo Gura I'm still working on this, neuropharmacist has been talking about a link with NMDA(Receptors), MOR, KOR and 5HT1A. Mostly, fellow sufferers tell you to end your life and there's no reason to stay alive.

However, this is lifefuel:

There's also the hypothyroidism that I have to fix, which I believe you are experiencing too from what I've seen on the blog. I'm not too sure if I should focus on that too, but it's hard enough to keep going. We're all in this together, stay strong.

[flowboy]

@Podie45 I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I'm sure it can be solved. There's so many things to try!

And when you find it, now you can help others.

 

Out of curiosity: what happens when you work out really hard for an hour, and completely exhaust yourself?

Don't you feel a little good after?

 

What happens when you take a lot of psilocybin?

[Podie45]

@flowboy Nothing happens when I work out, there isn't this ''endorphin'' type feeling I used to get from it. It did cure the erectile dysfunction though, most likely because of increased bloodflow. Increasing testosterone has shown itself useless.

I've heard of one case where the guy took MDMA+Psilocybin and improved by 80%, but this hasn't been worked for anyone else with the conditon. Psilocybin has been helpful mentally, but it does not help with PSSD. Maybe if I were to microdose it Or ingest it on a regular basis?

I've been making a documentary on this syndrome, I initally wanted funding & have it aired on some kind of network but nobody has replied. I probably need connections in the industry. I've still been working on it with my own money, a 4K camera & a studio mic. At this point, I plan on recording my experience at an ibogaine retreat.

 

Edited April 2, 2021 by Podie45