The Search For Happines And The Pursuit Of Truth

[Ima Freeman]

Lately I discovered that the real reason to start with spirituality and self actualization for me is, that I want to feel good.
I have many many deficits in my life, like being socially anxious, unable to keep up relationships with people, being depressed and having almost no enjoyment in life.

What really got me into spirituality was the urge to have a wonderful life experience. Being serene, happy, having no anxieties and really feeling life as deep as possible.

But oftentimes my urge for happines is standing in the way of self actualization and finding truth.

Most notably I use drugs and music to get into enjoyable states of cosciousness. But then I lose interest in pursuing truth.
I rather smoke a lot of weed and listen to music, than to sit and trying to meditate.

I still do krya yoga every day, eating healthy to stay in good shape, reading books about spirituality and listen to Leos videos. But the whole endeavour of raising consciousness by doing spiritual work is fckn tedious for me. It has not yet lead to any significant enjoyment and that's what I yearn for. 
When I do drugs and listen to music, that is producing real enjoyment for me. 

Has anyone here similar reasons for pursuing spirituality?
Are the search for happines and the pursuit of truth two things that go together? 
I'm split between the two.
 

[Logan]

To want is to come from a place of not having.

Drugs are a crutch. I never became addicted, but I received painkillers for a surgery I had a while back. It felt good for a few hours, but I knew it would never be sustainable. Extend your time horizon and realize that in the long run, drugs will make you less happy. You are stuck here because you are short sighted. 

I suggest starting a contemplation habit. Ask good questions about your situation, be honest with yourself, and come up with solutions. Learning = Observation. 

[Ima Freeman]

@Logan Yeah, I have stopped using drugs several times, but keep getting back using them because at least on them I feel good.

While not using drugs, I still search for ways to be happy. 
Btw I'm not a daily drug user.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

18 hours ago, Ima Freeman said:

Lately I discovered that the real reason to start with spirituality and self actualization for me is, that I want to feel good.
I have many many deficits in my life, like being socially anxious, unable to keep up relationships with people, being depressed and having almost no enjoyment in life.

Almost everybody started spirituality for this reason, myself included.

19 hours ago, Ima Freeman said:

What really got me into spirituality was the urge to have a wonderful life experience. Being serene, happy, having no anxieties and really feeling life as deep as possible.

But oftentimes my urge for happines is standing in the way of self actualization and finding truth.

Most notably I use drugs and music to get into enjoyable states of cosciousness. But then I lose interest in pursuing truth.
I rather smoke a lot of weed and listen to music, than to sit and trying to meditate.

I want a bodybuilder body without lifting a finger. One of the biggest misunderstandings about spirituality is that it's some kind of shortcut to happiness and bliss. It can lead to that, but you have to do the work. And suffer. Probably more than you suffer right now. The enlightenment process is a lot of work and you have to work through a lot of shit. These gurus have spent their entire lives purifying themselves. You only see the end result and not the decades of work behind it.

 

19 hours ago, Ima Freeman said:

But the whole endeavour of raising consciousness by doing spiritual work is fckn tedious for me. It has not yet lead to any significant enjoyment and that's what I yearn for. 
When I do drugs and listen to music, that is producing real enjoyment for me. 

Who wants the boring meditation when you can go out, drink and have sex? Instant gratification. Why waste years meditating and suffering for some future payoff when you can have it right here and now?

Sorry, I went on a little bit of rant there. Spiritual enjoyment comes after a lot of work. Years of work. It's a long-term project. If you think you feel enjoyment and happiness right now, you probably cannot imagine what it could be like after doing real spiritual work. Imagine that happiness x100. Not joking.

[Ima Freeman]

22 hours ago, EnlightenmentBlog said:

Who wants the boring meditation when you can go out, drink and have sex? Instant gratification. Why waste years meditating and suffering for some future payoff when you can have it right here and now?

Sorry, I went on a little bit of rant there. Spiritual enjoyment comes after a lot of work. Years of work. It's a long-term project. If you think you feel enjoyment and happiness right now, you probably cannot imagine what it could be like after doing real spiritual work. Imagine that happiness x100. Not joking.

No problem, rant like you desire 

I discovered, that I fluctuate between phases of self discipline and investment into my development and phases of worldly enjoyments like drugs, music and traveling. In the latter I often lack the time, motivation and the sobriety to do spiritual work.


What I believe after investigating my behavior is, that I have a neurochemical problem. I actually do a lot to correct that, like therapy, detox, etc.
Drugs are sometimes just too effective and all my self discipline flies out the window. But they betray me at the end.

Most likely the way to go is to heal my psychological ailments before doing some serious spiritual work. Otherwise I will fall back multiple times or even give up some day.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

4 hours ago, Ima Freeman said:

Most likely the way to go is to heal my psychological ailments before doing some serious spiritual work. Otherwise I will fall back multiple times or even give up some day.

You know best. Just smth I remembered. Try to find your own spiritual practices. During this process I discovered that journaling is smth I really love and I've had great progress with it. It's still work, but at least it's more interesting and super effective in my case. Also, shamanic breathing with binaural beats. But that's me. 

You have to find spiritual work you're willing to do and you see results from. Given your case, psychedelics could be just that.

All the best.

[Ima Freeman]

3 hours ago, EnlightenmentBlog said:

You know best. Just smth I remembered. Try to find your own spiritual practices. During this process I discovered that journaling is smth I really love and I've had great progress with it. It's still work, but at least it's more interesting and super effective in my case. Also, shamanic breathing with binaural beats. But that's me. 

You have to find spiritual work you're willing to do and you see results from. Given your case, psychedelics could be just that.

All the best.

That's something I actually thought of in the last time. Experimentig and doing things my way.

All the spiritual work I do, I learned from others. It seriously lacks my own personality.
 

[Ima Freeman]

2 hours ago, neutralempty said:

I dunno, it seems like you know what to do, but you dont know how to bring yourself to. What are things that make people enjoy what they lack patients for? Experiencing Things that are worse.

This is my primary reason why I do work on myself. 

It is just very frustrating that there is so little positve motivation in my life.

[Ima Freeman]

@neutralempty 

1. On the one hand I have several things I am motivated to achive in the long term like getting calm and "healing" my ADHD, doing long meditation sessions and retreats, find likeminded friends, doing some creative work,...

2. This sounds good, but after some time of being disciplined I see how nothing much is changing so I get gradually less interested to do something laborious and have almost no hope that things will change for me. I use food, drugs and the internet to stimulate me into feeling better.

3. Only when I crash really hard, e.g. after getting into youtube videos marathons or after taking lots of drugs, I really start to take self actualization very seriously again, because I see where stupid behavior is leading my towards (very bad places)

I go through this three phases 1-2-3-1-2-3-....


So even if I have motivations in the long term, they get smashed by my psychological problems and by the suffering of not having much if any success.

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Ima Freeman