My Thoughts Against The One I Love- Choosing To Feel Desperate - Why?

[seethaesun]

Hello everyone, 

well to get to the point I kinda have to go far afield

here I am trying: 

I got into my first relationship when I was 13 and started having serious issues with myself when I was around 12. My partner at that time, like every boy after him, helped me in my times of depression and tried to get me out of my suicidal thinking on so on..but there was always that one point, when I started mistrusting them without any reason. and that actually repeated itself every every every time. every time when I was in a relationship until now. 

well, now I am 20, had around 5 relationships and the fifth I am in right now. The thing is that this guy is the first one ever I want to stay with. when I was younger I always thought from the beginning: "well no, I can't see myself with him in a few years" and they all started to make me angry and I was annoyed by everything they said and did... but this guy is the one I can see myself with forever, so there is the difference BUT in the first week of our relationship (we haven't been officially together then) he cheated on me, I mean he didn't sleep with her but he did enough, lets say. that was the girl he had a little affair with in the summer, nothing serious just having fun I'd say..

and between him and the relationship before I changed, at least I was working on trusting people again (my parents divorced shortly after my first self-harming situation when I was 13), I was trying to get rid of my depression and doing things I love and actually, I was strong, I felt strong und secure just being with myself and when I met him and got to know him, I saw something in him what I searched for the last years and I thought I was finally capable to get into a relationship. when he told me about about his cheating I wasn't even mad, because all I wanted for him at that time was to be happy, if it was with me or not and I didn't feel crushed or torn, let's say - it didn't hurt my self-assurance. that was last year in the fall. but then came the winter, and winter is always full of triggers and traps to fall back into depression and going back to be insecure and it totally got me again. he wasn't helping me in this case, he made it worse. he wasn't directly acting wrong but he was and that was the problem. he flirted with girls in front of me but always said: "thats not flirting, I am just being nice", maybe sometimes it was, but some other times it was just obvious. also, after a few months I told him I loved him and he said, I don't love you yet (and now I am still waiting for it after over a year) and at the beginning of our relationship he was always, well he doesn't know if he wanted to be together but it wasn't meant to be mean in any kind he was just being honest. it has to be mentioned that he has DPR - depersonalization disorder - he sometimes doesn't think he is real and he doesn't believe that he loves anyone or anything, which complicates it. I don't understand him, simply said. 

so and finally, after telling him a thousand times, that or that hurts me or you wouldn't act like that in a relationship, etc. etc., he started to change, he is not flirting with anyone anymore, he is not lying about a LOT of things (like when this girl he cheated with texted him all the time, and wanted to meet him) anymore, he really is trying, but at that time my trust was gone. and because I mistrusted him so much I did the same. I lied, I cheated, I hid things from him.. and now we are actually both better people, we talked it out, we changed, and he really forgave me but I can't forgive him, I can't stop thinking about all the situations he hurt me in. they hunt me, day and night. I can barely be with him without thinking about that girl, questioning myself if he thinks about her, if she still texts him, I sometimes even look into his phone, because my mistrust totally eats me up and sadly when I do that I often find things I didn't wanna know... I am being severally unfair and a nightmare.. 

but I don't want to leave him, because I want to be with him ... i just wished I wouldn't be hung up by all this things, they take away my life. it took my self-assurance I worked for. I don't feel normal anymore, it is always there and I always feel nervous because of it. and the worst part is, because I started to harm myself in a really young age, I am used to make myself feel bad, so it isn't weird for me to drag myself back to those situations. because I am used to do that, to bring things up until I can't breathe anymore....

well here is me asking: 

what should I do?  how can I forget the things that happened and just trust him? I make his life a living hell but I am in it too and I don't want that anymore, for either of us.

[Bob84]

Do you want a "magical forget pill" so you can go back to feel the way that you did before?

[Shugo]

You seem to crave those feelings that you have, and find reasons to feel and feed them. Only by focusing on trust and forgiveness will you be able to experience them. And forgive yourself as well as him. You deserve to be loved and to love. And love is free. Don't try to cage or change someone you love to fit your needs. Love them despite anything, and from that place of love, you can't do anything wrong really.

I've been having issues with mistrust and jealousy, I kind of realized that I was more sad from feeling jealous and betrayed than I was actually feeling it. It's an illusion our egos hold onto because it feeds their martyrdom narrative, which makes it exist. Letting go of jealousy, fully trusting and loving someone, after learning otherwise, that means a part of you has to die, and this is not pleasant. You could even hold onto those bad feelings for the rest of your life by fear of letting go and surrendering to existence without illusory suffering. That's how much the ego wants to stay alive. That's how much you want to keep those feelings, because they make up who you are. At least that's how I feel.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Shugo