She

[Preety_India]

Who was she? 

 

[Preety_India]

Her sense of connection constantly eroded. 

She was raised without love or tenderness. 

She had nobody she could trust. 

There was nothing she could derive her strength from but herself. 

 

[Preety_India]

She was all alone and lonely. 

She was also heartbroken with broken feet. 

She had nowhere to go. 

She felt trapped. 

She wanted to write and write and write. 

Because she wanted to scream from her private hell. 

She had never known the touch of love. 

It's like it was all empty. 

How could she survive so much. 

Why did these things happen to her? 

 

[Preety_India]

Who had taken away her happiness? 

What was eating her from inside? 

What was it that she wanted so badly but never got? 

Why was she so lost? 

Why was she sad? What bothered her so much? 

Could someone save her? 

Would she finally find a way out of this trap she found herself in? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

When she was born, little did she know how things were going to be 

How everything was laid out for her? 

What lay in future? 

All she had to do was just be strong? 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm referring to myself as she. 

I know I'm in a dark place. 

I feel fragile and vulnerable. 

And I feel weak. 

I feel emotionally depressed. 

I feel sad and down. 

I feel empty, broken, lost, lonely and dark 

 

 

[Preety_India]

She felt helpless, hopeless and in pain. 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't think I will be in this state forever 

It's a temporary phase where I feel broken and lost. 

This is the broody side of me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Sad poetry, lamenting, sad music, venting helps a bit with such a phase. 

It sort of becomes a crutch. 

 

[Preety_India]

My state of mind right now

 Troubled 

 Sad 

 Lonely 

 Melancholic 

Helpless

 Despondent 

 Broody 

 Hopeless 

  Dark

 Lost 

 Broken 

 Empty 

 Hurt 

 Damaged 

 Tortured 

Tormented 

 This is the song which is running in my mind. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

PATHETIC ABUSER WOMAN 

GO TO HELL 

YOU WILL BURN IN HELL 

THE DARK MEMORIES WILL HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE 

YOU WILL NEVER REST IN PEACE 

I HOPE YOU PAY SOME DAY 

RETRIBUTION RETRIBUTION 

YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FATHER'S DEATH 

YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN A MOTHER 

YOU DIDN'T DESERVE IT 

GO TO HELL 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I feel trapped. I feel abandoned. 

I feel miserable. 

I feel like I'm in deep dark place, a room with no doors. LIKE a dungeon. Trapped, lonely 

No windows. No sunshine coming in. Nothing. Just darkness. Cold and dark. With nobody to scream for help. 

I feel tormented 

Nowhere to go 

These are the phrases running through my head right now. 

"LEAVE ME ALONE" 

"NOWHERE TO GO" 

"FEELING TRAPPED AND LOST" 

"DEEP DARK COLD DUNGEON" 

"ABANDONED, LONELY, BROKEN" 

"TORTURED AND TORMENTED. SCREAMING FOR HELP." 

If I ever commit suicide or die, these will be my last words. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This song perfectly describes all the phrases running through my head. 

"LEAVE ME ALONE" 

"NOWHERE TO GO" 

"FEELING TRAPPED AND LOST" 

"DEEP DARK COLD DUNGEON" 

"ABANDONED, LONELY, BROKEN" 

"TORTURED AND TORMENTED. SCREAMING FOR HELP." 

 

 

[Preety_India]

. 

On 11/12/2020 at 4:43 PM, MuadDib said:

@Preety_India You are in a state of shock and it's quite normal to experience these things after psychological trauma. Your nervous system is on edge because your narratives of the world and your place in it have been thrown into chaos. You are going to be desperately trying to make sense of a huge chunk of your past and recontextualize all of that information and those experiences.

It is a HUGE process and can certainly feel extremely overwhelming at the moment. Be mindful that you will only be able to process so much of it at a time, it's not going to go away overnight. It could take weeks or months to fully integrate everything, ground yourself, and move forward (that's the best-case scenario). You are also going to be hypersensitive to potential threats in your environment and hypersensitive to people, the words they say, the multiple possible meanings of everything and your mind is going to skew heavily negative. It's important to keep that in mind so you can try to look at things more objectively. A terrible thing has happened to you, and there are terrible things in the world. It's true. But there is also so much beauty and goodness everywhere you go as well. 

In this state of vulnerability it's important you don't try to seek solace or protection or "revenge" in another relationship too quickly. You are going to want to desperately validate yourself and seek comfort in partners that may not be ideal and could make things worse because you aren't going to be able to look at people and situations objectively. Take time for yourself. It could be very difficult in the beginning but slowly you will heal. Writing out your experiences can help; just getting it all out in front of you, over and over with the INTENTION to become more conscious and move forward, not to spin your wheels in the mud and perpetuate your negative states.

Grounding exercises like shamanic breathing/ Wim hof exercises and trauma release exercises can also help you to alleviate some of your nervous system tension. 

 

MDMA is a great pseudo psychedelic for dealing with trauma. It is slightly toxic, addictive, and is notoriously impure when you buy it off the street so if you get some (preferably from reputable vendors on the dark web) be sure to test it with a Marquis reagent (at least) and weigh out a proper dose. Don't mix it with any SSRI's it could be lethal!

 

 

It's true, men can be pretty savage. As can women in their own way. Don't let it get you down, you will find someone worthy of your big heart one day. 

 

This is definitely helpful when I'm feeling broken/gone. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

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They are not innocent or anything like that.