Fear of the nothingness/void leads to ego backlash.

[Endangered-EGO]

Here I am again, I've been practicing a lot the last days, and now I write that down to remember how I got here and what I believe to be causing issues for me for a long time.

I have practiced a lot of concentration and playing with awareness and awareness being aware of itself. The previous times, I didn't know how I got here, but now I guess I know the direction. I don't know what it's called what I am "seeing", so I am calling it the void, I believe this void is the wormhole to the nothingness.

Now what happens: easy: I focus on an object and then the focus disappears. Where does it go? Nowhere, into the void. I notice I can actively focus on something I see, and then allow the focus to collapse and awareness just being itself, not replaced by anything. So that's what I mean by void. That's freaking me out a little bit again, not a strong fear, but still fear. And that's pushing me away from it, and I believe that's what is pushing me away from the nothingness for years. (I was in the Dark night dpdr 5 year ago, and my ego struggled ever since, doing everything to get away from the nothingness unconsciously. What I unconsciously learned to do was to NEVER let awareness be aware of itself/the empty void, by focusing on some thing/distraction, and that caused a lot of distress/anxiety etc.

Those mini-cessations kind of feel good in a way, but noticing the absence of objects, gives me a little fear now, and I'm not even close to the nothingness.

What I am doing now is not playing too much with it and being mindful of the thoughts:" Oh no you are going to get lost into the void, for god knows how long" and mindful of the absence sometimes. I promised myself to PUSH through once and for all, but I'm just too much of a wuss to drop into it. The fear of opening a door I can't close.

I feel good today, but I'm not sure what to do. I was told "just do it", "don't do it with force" and "do something completely different".

It's rare when I am able to be at the verge of the void, (maybe once every 2 months), and I am always backing up, and the next day and few next weeks I promise myself I should push through, I haven't succeeded yet. I'm going to write down exactly what I do and play a little with it, to remember for the next days. It's basically like being aware of the defocusing of awareness instead of the appearing of the object of consciousness. I believe shinzen young calls those "awareness of vanishings" and "mini-nirvanas".

[Flyboy]

I struggle with this kind of ultimate "letting go" as well, but yesterday this thought occurred to me:

There is no choice.

Not really.  I'm too far down the Truth trail to go back.  There is no saving the ego, no going back to sleep.  So what feels like a "choice" isn't really - there's no other direction to go.  You may have to get close to it enough times that your sheer frustration, boredom, and familiarity with the fear add up enough to finally allow you to take the step into the chasm... but that is all part of the process.  From this meta-view, getting close and getting scared away is just as much part of "getting there" as any other step in the journey.

Keep at it!  It's only death, and it's going to happen sooner or later anyway   May as well go willingly!

[Endangered-EGO]

@Flyboy Well I am the perfect example for going all the way through leads to ego backlash. I believe I understand, that this terrifying fear of the nothingness, trained my ego to NEVER allow awareness to play with itself. This lead to anxiety depression alcohol abuse insomnia etc. ofc that's just speculation, but I believe that's the case.

I need to get there more often, but it's very rare, I cannot play with it because of the rarity, however maybe if I increase my practice, I will be able to.
I remember from 2015-2016, the time that the nothingness showed up, there is a point of no return. The so called event horizon of the black hole. Once you're there willingly or unwillingly it swallows your being into the singularity. That's where the love is supposed to show up, but love doesn't show up if there is fear I guess.

Can you tell me how it feels for you to be really close to it? Just so I can compare what's happening? Do you also have that "nauseous pain" in the chest?

[Nahm]

@Endangered-EGO

In the most literal sense possible, find the fear. Where it is in the body, what thoughts seem related, what identity, what beliefs, etc. Find this thing that gives you such trouble. Have a look at it. 

[VeganAwake]

The appearance or physical reality doesn't change.

It's recognizing that the meaning purpose and value placed over top of reality by the illusory individual sets up a dream story which is ultimately unreal.

❤

[Eternity]

So you are afraid of the void.  But since there is only the one and no one and nothing else why do you fear yourself?  There is no separate place where you can disappear to out of the All Mighty's awareness and you are that.  The awareness and the light that illuminates every thing.  It's not a separate thing from you.  And eternal love does not just drop into a black hole somewhere.  It is infinite and always wherever you are.  You are made of it.  It is the life force that flows through you.

Before I read "A Course in Miracles" the pathway to peace, I had read the Bible often and had a fear of having a Jesus experience that would end my life.  It was made clear in The Course that what is another's path is not ours, and our pathway is ours.  This pathway is to find infinite love and melt together into it as one being..  And furthermore, God, you, are love and would always love your creations (including you).  So that is where the pathway leads and not into some nameless void that doesn't exist.

[Endangered-EGO]

@Nahm "Divide and conquer", "untangle and be free". I'm doing that!

@Eternity I am afraid of the pain the void can cause. That's it. I actually have that book, it's giant haha.

[VeganAwake]

18 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

@Nahm "Divide and conquer", "untangle and be free". I'm doing that!

I'm cannot untangle because I'm is the entanglement. The recognition that I'm isn't real is the disentangling that's longed for.

@Eternity I am afraid of the pain the void can cause. That's it. I actually have that book, it's giant haha.

I am does not want to recognize its own unreality. It will fight all the way through. I am = ego and its top priority is staying intact. But when the bottom of the bucket falls out, it will never hold water again.

❤

 

[soularlight]

What associations and beliefs do "you" have about what "you" call the void? What if they are all false and have nothing to do with Reality? 

[Breakingthewall]

the ego feels horror in the border of the void. Nothing to do, no place to go, no improvements to achieve... immutability, the opposite of ego. it is impossible to enter it with your ego intact. 5 meo in low doses is a perfect tool to put you on the edge of absolute emptiness. your ego will scream. in this link they explain well this matter of the void    https://paulbrunton.org/notebooks/23/8