Spiritual work while suicidal

[Denial]

Should someone do spiritual work if they are suicidal? I started all of this while I was very depressed because I realized the flaw in materialism. Problem is that if I can't even do basic stuff like going out there talking to people or get a job, then wouldn't the meditations almost be impossible. Like im expecting that I will transcend when I havent even met my basic needs as a human. Im trying to climb from the bottom of the pyramid to the top without sorting out all the things in the middle. The reason im typing all this is because Im pretty certain im going through a dark night of the soul. When I research about it online I get a lot of tips like continuing on the spiritual path and pray and meditate. I attempted suicide not long ago, the cops found me and sent me back. Meditation has lowered my ego, but the consequence of that is that I feared death less. If you guys think I should take a break from it, what else should I do? Surrender? My ego wont let me. Only temporary. 

[Denial]

@neutralemptyI have no idea. Had general moderate depression when I was like 13-17, then after that it hit really hard. I think thats when the dark night of the soul started. All activities became meaningless. I desperately clinged to my old self. Everything felt like a lie. Couldn't stand other people anymore. Im almost 21 now. 

[Denial]

@neutralemptyI opened up to my family about suffering from OCD. After that I became deeply alienated with life. Think its because I started to look deeper within and didn't like what I saw. It has nothing to do with how my family reacted. 

[kag101]

Stop all your spiritual work!

Your mind is sick. Nothing solo will help you.

 

5 hours ago, Denial said:

Im trying to climb from the bottom of the pyramid to the top without sorting out all the things in the middle

You're right. That's called spiritual-bypassing.

5 hours ago, Denial said:

what else should I do?

If you had cancer, where would you go? A doctor, right?

You see, there's a doctor for the brain. It's called psy-chia-trist.

Don't spiritualize mental illness!!!

 

[Sempiternity]

Frankly I think you're in a better place for spiritual work than most. Ultimately the goal of spiritual work is to reach an Awakening to your true nature, to realize Truth. To do that you have to be willing to accept your death. Most cannot do this. If you are suicidal, you have an advantage. Get some psychedelics and have your spiritual Awakening. Then all the issues you are currently suffering from will be moot. 

[Denial]

@SempiternityDont know how to get those. Hope it will become more accessible one day. @kag101Im at a place where I get medical treatment. I sleep there so that I cant attempt suicide. Talk to psychologist. Gonna get sent to another place in a few weeks to go deeper into the issue. Im just asking should I continue some amounts of meditation or just have overall mindfulness. I think this is also a spiritual issue. So I'm not sure if medical treatment will be as effective. Gonna do some basic stuff like exercising and fixing my diet too. I have some gag problems though so gonna be a challenge. @neutralempty

Edited March 31, 2021 by Denial

[Denial]

@neutralemptyIf its illegal I don't feel comfortable doing so. Ill try fixing my basic needs first. Im definetely curious about psychedelics though if thats what you're talking about. Heard a guy with OCD getting a lot better after trying it. 

[Sempiternity]

10 hours ago, Denial said:

@SempiternityDont know how to get those. Hope it will become more accessible one day. 

If you dedicate yourself to this path, you will find a way. You'll walk 10,000 miles, across countries, if this was your ultimate goal of your life. So you have to ask yourself what you truly want out of your life. Is it satiating ego urges, or realizing the ultimate truth of who you are?

[Nahm]

On 3/30/2021 at 6:03 PM, Denial said:

its because I started to look deeper within and didn't like what I saw

Can you elaborate as specifically as possible on that? 

Might be helpful. Stands to uncover the core belief. 

[AtheisticNonduality]

7 hours ago, Denial said:

@neutralemptyIf its illegal I don't feel comfortable doing so. Ill try fixing my basic needs first. Im definetely curious about psychedelics though if thats what you're talking about. Heard a guy with OCD getting a lot better after trying it. 

Syrian Rue is legal in the United States. Yes, it's a psychedelic.

 

[Denial]

@NahmNot sure. I just realized that the OCD made everything so much harder. I had a period of time were I was able to completely let it go. I noticed I was a lot more focused and present. When I went back to rumination as a habit and realized I wasn't able to go back to the present I became really depressed. Because I always assumed that I was an idiot. I wasn't. Was just deeply fucked up and still am to this day. Now its easier for me to let go of OCD rumination but the "dark night of the soul" still seem to be there. I am not too sure though if its clinical or spiritual or just both. 

Im the same guy called "Dunnel". I made Leo ban me so that I could a little break. 

Edited April 1, 2021 by Denial

[Nahm]

@Denial

Some beliefs there which aren’t really true about you. A thought loop if you will, labelled depression (not to imply it doesn’t feel terrible, but the labels cover up the whys / what thoughts are in discord)... those beliefs looking for what is true. Sometimes we can hold beliefs about ourself that seem so true, we are missing it’s the judgement which is causing the discord. In missing this for a while, it can lead to being progressively disparate to feel alignment. It can seem like we need a break from some things, or even all things, when the ‘break’ desired is actually from the discord of the belief(s). 

[Denial]

@NahmI have a hard time understanding what you just posted. Im aware that I am not my thoughts or feelings. I try to detach from it everyday. I dont think I'm ready to understand it either. Ill just accept that things are the way it is and work on the fundamentals. Exercise and diet. Having mindfulness. I don't have the free will to commit suicide anyway. Im being watched 24/7. I do admit that this spiritual work has been really dangerous to me and I wasn't ready, but I have learned a lot about myself. Just had an argument with my dad about it on how Leo has fucked up my brain. I got really pissed off but he is right. I do think though what Leo is doing is for the better for humanity. Not that I claim that I know what Leo "knows", but what he is saying makes a lot of sense to me so when I get caught up thinking about, committing suicide seemed so easy. Ive had temporary states of bliss during meditation and whenever I got out of it, the material world become a joke to me. Total garbage. 

[Nahm]

20 minutes ago, Denial said:

@NahmI have a hard time understanding what you just posted. Im aware that I am not my thoughts or feelings. I try to detach from it everyday. I dont think I'm ready to understand it either.

I would say attempting to detach from feeling is definitely not the way to go, and this isn’t related to understanding anything. It’s a letting go of what’s already being held, rather than a doing / learning / understanding. 

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Ill just accept that things are the way it is and work on the fundamentals.

What is is what is indeed, but is never the way you think it is.  

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Exercise and diet. Having mindfulness. I don't have the free will to commit suicide anyway. Im being watched 24/7.

Good to hear. “Free will” as something we have or do not have, or that some have more or less than others, would be the kinds of beliefs that when we hold them to be true, we recreate suffering, as the belief is in discord with truth. It is a belief about yourself, which isn’t actual, accurate, or ‘true’. 

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I do admit that this spiritual work has been really dangerous to me and I wasn't ready, but I have learned a lot about myself.

Also, and I’m aiming to help so please take care to be mindful of the relief in letting go of beliefs and misunderstandings, and the happiness of aligning with actuality, or truth.... your idea of spiritual work might not be ideal, and may have room for alignment in and of itself, so to speak. In a nutshell, spiritual ‘work’ isn’t work at all, it’s letting go of beliefs, misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and misidentification to the extent living, or experience, is joyful, spontaneous, and fun. (Imo)

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Just had an argument with my dad about it on how Leo has fucked up my brain. I got really pissed off but he is right. I do think though what Leo is doing is for the better for humanity. Not that I claim that I know what Leo "knows", but what he is saying makes a lot of sense to me so when I get caught up thinking about, committing suicide seemed so easy. Ive had temporary states of bliss during meditation and whenever I got out of it, the material world become a joke to me. Total garbage. 

Kinda heavy on the judgement (total garbage). You may not realize that is yourself you’re talking about, but you are feeling that it is nonetheless.  I’d suggest that if anything anyone says does not resonate with you, focusing on what does swiftly, long before such discord is created. 

[Denial]

@NahmSure. I don't actually think that the material world is garbage. Rather it is what I was being told as a child on what makes someone happy that I think is total garbage. But they couldn't know any better. I don't know any better too on how to wake up. I'm blind. 

[Nahm]

@Denial

I hear ya. Can be a rough ride letting beliefs go. Feels like mourning even sometimes. Waking up...I’d suggest it’s aligning feeling, focus & thought... which is only possible now, and never possible not now. Much effortless letting go, which is made difficult, by not letting go. Weird how effortless doesn’t always equate to what one would find ‘easy’. 

[Denial]

@NahmSpent my entire life using too much effort. Im using effort for being effortless. That put a smile on my face Holy fuck

[Nahm]

@Denial ??