My social Anxiety and INTROVERSION

[Preety_India]

I have issues with the modern world of digital and offline/online  communication. 

I am not a party person. I like simple hangouts at a cafeteria or a park. Just that 

I have to be direct about these things just like I'm direct about anything else. 

I am a fiercely private person. Although it appears that I'm so much public with all aspects of my life, I'm not a social media savvy person, I am just too expressive which is often misconstrued as attention seeking. 

I like to express a lot. I'm quiet when I'm around people and I don't speak much but when I write, I write a lot. I'm just a writer at heart. I have always been writing and keeping diaries since I was a kid. 

I don't mind people reading my stuff because it doesn't matter what they know or don't know about me. It's not like I am going to meet them anyway.. 

I am shameless in that regard. 

I don't hold any barriers to self expression. 

Because I don't do the whole social thing 

I'm an extreme introvert. 

So my preferred communication is always going to be indirect. Like I am not a very chatty person. Nor am I quick to open up about something that is inside of me. 

The journal is a medium of finding peace with my introversion.. 

I like to imagine that I have an audience that reads my journal and I write to them. And that is all the communication I need. 

One of the reasons why I tend to journal so excessively is because I feel terribly lonely as an introvert.. So writing privately is not going to help with my loneliness. It's like talking to a wall, will only make me more lonely. 

But If I imagine that there is a mute audience that is ready to listen to me, it helps, it doesn't feel like I'm talking to a wall. It feels like at least I'm talking to someone. So my loneliness is slightly cured that way. 

One of the reasons why I even started the YouTube channel. I wanted to speak to whoever is ready to listen. It doesn't matter "who" that is who is doing the listening. 

I'm such an introvert that I'll never open up privately with a friend like this. Maybe I will never tell them my deepest feelings. 

I'm the sort of person who will not talk much at a party or in the house but silently go and write everything in my private diary and keep it somewhere around the house. The one who reads it will know my heart and mind. 

The one who doesn't bother to read it doesn't need to know me. 

Because I can't do the whole extroverted thing of explaining oneself to people the way extroverts do. 

I just can't do that. My heart and mind are not simply not designed that way. 

My ex(Joseph) was a total extrovert. 

He would be very chatty and talkative and I was the listener. He helped me a little bit to pull me out of my introverted misery. 

Although I still sucked and wouldn't open up about my issues or deeper feelings to him. I would keep my doubts and feelings to myself. 

He was very openly chatty, social and talkative.. He would talk 24/7 non stop sometimes overwhelming a socially anxious person like me. 

It was tough to be around him because I would be mostly silent half the time. 

I would sometimes speak up but he would talk over me and shut me down. 

I was not good at expressing my thoughts and emotions with him. 

That caused him to have a ton of misunderstanding about me. 

If I didn't speak up, he would think that I'm insensitive. 

 

But I wasn't insensitive. I just was awkward and didn't know how to express correctly or confidently. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

So some of my introversion is cured by journaling. 

At least I came this far in terms of self expression. 

Without this journal, I would have always existed like a mute doll or a statue. 

In real life, I never talked to anyone, except my boyfriends. 

And even with them, they were always talking more than me. 

It usually happens that I have a verbal conversation with a male, and slowly they take over, they begin to talk over me and in the end its they who keep doing the talking and I am just reduced to a listener. I don't fight it. Because I'm weak at that 

I can't take over conversations. I simply sit at a table and let the other person talk. I can't lead conversations. I also don't look into people's eyes. I look down or I look around when they talk to me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have very high social anxiety and it's very embarrassing to talk about it  generally. 

Because the whole world around me is extroverted? Then who will accept me???? 

I never talked to anyone in school. 

I was super shy. The teachers called my parents to my school to ask them if there was a problem with me because everyone around me was talking except me..

I used to be in my own world. 

This journal is also my way of being in my own world.. 

This continued till the age of 15. I had my first friend at the age of 15. 

It didn't last long because I didn't know what to even talk about. 

Then I could never make friends because I could not talk much beyond a few sentences. I was always afraid around large crowds. 

I would avoid parties and events because I would be scared to be there.. Just this visceral fear of being around people. 

I would get hot flashes, hot cold skin, dizzy feeling, cold feet, palpitations, heart pounding out of my chest, trembling and then I would simply disappear and go home. 

I wasn't able to even stand next to people. 

I had my first boyfriend and I remember him being a total extrovert. 

I never attracted introverts. Because I was myself an introvert. 

An introvert wouldn't approach me. I wouldn't approach. Then who will do the approaching? 

So every boyfriend I ever had was an extrovert. Because they would do the approaching. I would simply accept. 

 

 

Edited March 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I remember sitting alone in college. 

I would sit all alone in the college classroom. I think it's called middle school in other countries. It's called college in my country. I'm not so  sure about this. 

But the thing we attend after finishing high school in my country is called college. 

So i used to sit alone at my desk in the class. Whereas everyone would sit with their friends.. 

I would generally choose a far corner in the class to sit. I didn't want people to look at me. 

But people would still look at me. 

Because of my awkwardness I actually became the center of attention even when it was against my will. 

It was pure torture for a person with deep social anxiety 

Because in the classroom I wanted to avoid people as much as possible. But they wouldn't avoid me. 

There was something about my gentle nature that people were strongly attracted to me. It was very paradoxical because I wasn't responsible for all the attention they were giving me. And the attention was kinda detrimental to my anxiety. 

It only made things worse. 

I had absolutely no friends in college. 

None at all 

 

Because nearly everyone around me was an extrovert, I became like a caricature and a target of their ruthless attention and examination. 

An extrovert has a magnetic attraction towards an introvert 

 

So even if I decided to hide under a table, they would still find me and look at me. 

It was embarrassing 

 

 

Edited March 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Being a bathroom girl 

I always remember sitting in the corner of a bathroom as a child. That was my favorite place of comfort.. 

These days whenever I look at images online of anime girl sitting and crying in a corner, it reminds me of my childhood days. 

I remember crawling up in a small corner of my house or the bathroom and sitting there for hours not wanting to listen to my parents fighting 

I would still hear her loud yelling at my dad. It was cruel.. It used to make me very anxious. 

My mother was/is  a very extrovert although she suffered from anxiety just like me (I genetically inherited anxiety from her bloodline) her extroversion helped her to get over her anxiety. She used to yell at people. She had this gangsterish attitude and I was her introverted submissive child. 

So she was extremely unhappy with me. Because I didn't turn out like her. 

I was her total polar opposite. 

She being ruthless, extrovert, domineering and gangsta demanding person and me being gentle, shy, soft, introverted, frightened child. 

This wasn't going to work and I didn't. 

She began to resent me a lot. She saw me as a very fragile girl who is too weak for anything in life 

 

This meant that I was a problem child for her. 

I was a burden. 

I wasn't confident enough. Too shy. Too introverted. 

In any other circumstance, I would have been considered an ideal child by any parent. For being obedient, delicate, submissive and easy to handle. I would literally obey as a child. To my teachers I was the best kid they could ever have. 

 

But this was not to be the case with my mother. 

She did not see me that way. She was this Tiger Tyrant narcissistic Mother. 

She wanted an extroverted kid. 

In this circumstance, I was a liability, a danger, a burden, a weak girl who needs to be cared for. 

And that she wasn't doing to do 

 

So she would ruthlessly attack me verbally, physically. Control me non stop. She would go on a rampage with her verbal insults. Some of her insults were imaginary because they didn't make any sense. 

She saw in me what she saw in my dad 

She considered my dad weak sauce. Because he was soft, polite, gentle, shy, introverted. Although he did not have social anxiety, he was very introverted and shy as a person. He would rarely talk and generally very decent and passive. 

I inherited the worst set of genetics from both my parents (at least in my mother's opinion) 

I had introversion of my father and the social anxiety of my mother. Perfect combination. 

This made me very vulnerable as a child. 

She resented my dad, considered him passive and weak, too nice for her and therefore he was good for nothing to her. She was violent and abusive to my dad 

She would harass my dad relentlessly every day. Control him. Boss him 24/7. 

He wouldn't put up a fight. He would silently sit in a corner listening to her daily rampage of abuse and insults. 

She is bipolar and that shows up perfectly in her violent moods. 

Needless to say, this scenario didn't help me as a child. 

My anxiety would skyrocket listening to her abuses and loud yelling. 

I would run to my bathroom and sit there alone, crying and very terrified of my mother.. She represented such terror that I never felt I could confront her. 

My anxiety would get worse. My heart would always beat at a very high rate whenever I was at home, especially around my mom. 

I would escape. I would play with cats. 

Or I would play with marbles and talk to these marbles. 

I would block out HER  INSANE VERBAL GARBAGE. 

 

 

In a Western society or setting , if a child did drugs, was too loud, noisy, brazen, arrogant, and angry, they would normally send such a disobedient child to a rehab or boarding. 

My case was entirely opposite. As per Western standards, I would have been considered an ideal child. 

But not to my Indian mother. To my Indian mother, me being shy and introverted and obedient was a sign of terror. 

It meant   I WAS TOO WEAK. 

It meant that I deserved to be aborted 

 

I meant I was DISABLED AND THEREFORE UNFIT 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

On top of all the  disabling beautiful things I was born with (like it wasn't enough that I was born with these debilitating problems), then I was born with congenital issues, brain disorder, born premature, I was born in the 8th month of HER pregnancy, AND I was born horribly underweight and immediately sent to the intensive care unit.

My doctors warned my mother that I was born weak and would need extra care and support. 

I hate that WOMAN. 

Because she gave birth to me in extreme carelessness and poverty and resented my not so ideal birth. 

She resented me for being born with defects and disabilities 

PATHETIC NARCISSISTIC ABUSIVE BITCH MOTHER FROM HELL. 

She bullied me relentlessly all my childhood. 

If I ever achieved something, she was never proud of it. 

Because for a horrible NARCISSIST BITCH  WOMAN 

I JUST WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH NO MATTER WHAT. 

*SHADES OF MY EX JOSEPH. HE WAS EXACTLY LIKE HER, WORD TO WORD. 

HE WOULD BULLY ME JUST LIKE HER. 

BUT THANKS JOSEPH, BECAUSE OF YOU I UNDERSTOOD MY MOTHER A LITTLE BETTER. 

PSYCHOS WHO TRIED RUINING MY LIFE BUT NO MORE. 

BECAUSE I LEARNED TO FUCKING STAND UP. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm kinda tired right now so I will write later. 

 

It's too much for me because I get very emotional while writing all this. 

I go out of control emotionally. It gets intense and heavy. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Journaling is a good way of dealing with introversion. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Why extroverts don't understand introverts. 

My mom had difficulty in understanding my introverted nature. 

There are many things here. 

I actually experienced the entire gamut of introverted emotions. 

 Im an INTP. My introversion as a child was very high. 

Over time there was some reduction in my introverted behavior. 

And a huge credit goes to my ex Joseph. 

The only thing I can credit him for is working with my introversion in a slow patient manner. Although he was abusive later on, he was quite patient with my introversion 

Introverts are very hard to deal with. Because they close up so much. They are difficult to Crack open. They don't open up. As a result, they get misunderstood a lot. 

I am very much misunderstood by most people because I don't open up. At least not easily. 

 

I like to work with myself. I always used to as a child

 

I enjoy solitude rather than working with people. I am quiet,reserved and usually keep to myself. On the forum I feel a bit free but as you can see I talk to very few people on a personal level. 

I rarely attend social events and I don't feel bad about it because I don't miss it. 

I also feel exhausted and drained around people. 

I tend to thrive more when I'm peaceful by my own self. 

 

My loneliness is because I have been introvert for too long. So sometimes I feel bored with myself. 

Also I lost a relationship where I was very close to a person.. (Joseph) 

Usually I never feel lonely. But being alone all my life is also not a good idea. So I decided that I should make friends and try to reduce my introversion. 

I remember as a child, my sibling would sit with me and ask me questions and I would not answer. I would not be able to answer. 

I wasn't avoiding the questions or feeling fear. There was no fear 

It's just that there was no way of opening up. It didn't feel like it 

I was just too reticent, too reserved 

I used to spend hours with myself and I used to enjoy that. 

Even in my classroom, I used to enjoy not talking to anyone. Others saw it as a problem. But at the time I never saw it as a problem. 

To me, being with myself was my whole world. 

I used to feel very happy being busy all alone by myself 

 

My mom is an extrovert. She cannot be alone in her own world. She needs to do everything like a group activity. 

We are as opposite of each other as we can be. Polar opposites. 

She would constantly interfere with my stuff and activities. 

I used to spend hours and hours doing my studies, doing my hobbies, doing my own stuff, almost in my own world, in my own head 

She used to ask me "dont you get tired of being alone? Don't you like to mix with people? Won't you like some friends?"

And I would reply - 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I wanted to write a poem to kinda say a big fuck you to those who were toxic to me in the past.

My poem called Toxic Hearts 

                 Toxic hearts 

         

You've a toxic heart. 

You didn't mean shit 

You were who you were

You are not the Snake, you are not evil, you are not the Devil

But your heart is black 

You hurt, but don't realize 

But play victim, when it's your turn 

A hypocrite with no great value to offer 

Pigs of survival, dogs of meanness 

But your mask screams sensousness

You are not the Snake, you are not evil, you are not the Devil

You don't want drama, yet you're the reason why it happens 

You are the reason why hearts break, brains lose, bodies collapse 

You're the road to insanity, key to injury 

You don't care, but only pretend to, poison is better than you, because poison is real 

The devil looks at you with pity 

Because you suck at his job, 

You make the Devil look a Saint 

You create a monster out of a Saint 

You are not the Snake, you are not evil, you are not the Devil

My words are not clean, but my words are true 

My heart is true, your heart is a ruse 

You are the night, I'm sunshine 

You're fake, I'm real 

You are a block of wood, I'm spirit 

You lack wisdom, I'm sleeping in pearls 

You think you know better, but time knows better than you 

You can outwit me, you can't outwit yourself 

You are not the Snake, you are not evil, you are not the Devil

You got sparkly angel wings, I have nothing to boast 

My heart is simple and it's coarse 

I don't know the high language, you know a thing or two 

You break me down, build me up, then break me down 

Whats the deal, you act like a clown 

You are not the Snake, you are not evil, you are not the Devil

Toxic hearts are no fun, they come and go and ruin every one 

You climb the moral high horse, clutch your pearls 

I don't have such luxuries nor the swirls 

You beat me at my game, but look around, everything is the same! 

You have a black heart, and a pink mask 

I have a pink heart, and a black mask 

You are the sky, I'm the rain 

I'm the golden egg, you're the vain 

What you do is nothing new, it's the same ship and the same old crew 

You boast of such goodies, while I sit empty and in pain 

When my tears will be ready, it will rain

You taught me a thing or two, of manipulation and garbage 

Look before you leap, goes the adage 

You are not the Snake, you are not evil, you are not the Devil

Toxic hearts are no fun, they ruin every one 

What do you know of heaven and earth 

You spout rubbish and believe your own  dirt 

You turn it around on me, when you are the culprit 

I speak true, you're full of shit 

You make me a Saint when I'm a sinner 

Every Sinner is better, even if you're the Winner 

Toxic hearts are no fun, they ruin every one 

You know how to play games, you know how to roll the dice 

When I'm funny, you're warm, when I'm needy, you're cold as ice 

Fair weather friend lover is all you will ever be, 

Selfishness is your religion, what you want is all you will see 

When you don't need me, you recklessly abandon me 

When nobody needs you, you come to me 

Toxic hearts are no fun, they ruin every one

You drain my energy, you drain my soul

Have some pity on my sorry self, you stupid asshole 

Give me some love, oh wait, you have none 

I kept craving, you thought we were done 

You have nothing to give, really nothing to give

You could care less, even if I couldn't live 

You are not the Snake, you are not evil, you are not the Devil

Toxic hearts are no fun, they ruin every one

 

[Preety_India]

 

My mom is an extrovert. She cannot be alone in her own world. She needs to do everything like a group activity. 

We are as opposite of each other as we can be. Polar opposites. 

She would constantly interfere with my stuff and activities. 

I used to spend hours and hours doing my studies, doing my hobbies, doing my own stuff, almost in my own world, in my own head 

She used to ask me "dont you get tired of being alone? Don't you like to mix with people? Won't you like some friends?"

 

And I would reply - I like doing things alone. I enjoy my own company. I don't like to be around people because it's tiring. But I feel better when I'm alone. 

And she would feel very confused that I was okay and happy being alone. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I'm so sorry 

You're loved. But learn to deal with this. This is life. This is reality. 

This attitude is helping me a lot. 

I broke up with my boyfriend last month. 

I feel incredibly alone. I'm single. 

I have accepted that this is my fate. 

I will never find the man I want. 

Because the man I want, usually does not find me up to the mark and rejects me and the man who likes me, I don't like him because of some clash or lack of attraction. 

So i have come to believe that it will never work in my case and this is how it will always be. 

I have decided to accept my fate as a loner. 

I try to have imaginary boyfriends, because in reality, loneliness is difficult to deal with. 

I don't feel enough as a woman. So there is a lot of feeling of unworthiness 

 

Plus having mental illness makes it very tough to act normal 

Just to let you know that others are like you, that is me, and they exist and feel the same way. 

I have given up my hopes on dating. I'm just trying to save shame. I don't wish to shame myself. 

I will die alone. And that will be my fate. And absolutely nothing will stop it.. 

What is helping me right now more than ever is accepting this reality and not fighting with it. That's freedom 

Also please don't judge yourself by your dating life. We live in a cruel world. That judges us by factors of attraction. Some of it cannot be blamed. It will be the way it is. 

But we should let that judgement define us.. Ultimate love lies in releasing yourself from all judgement.