I need advice on a big life decision

[Sea]

I wanted to go on a psychedelic retreat next weekend. I live with my family and I obviously knew it would be a bad idea to tell them. However I had to tell them that I would be going somewhere. They managed to get a few vague snippets of information from me, and then from googling the events that were going to be happening in the area, they were able to deduce that I was going on a psychedelic retreat. My parents are very religious and so they took this badly. At first they told me how by going on this retreat I'd be inviting demons into myself, and this would completely mess up my life, and it would be dangerous to my family if I were to keep living with them after having brought these demons onto myself. Later, they started making fun of psychedelics, saying that the insights you have on a psychedelics seem like complete bullshit once the trip is over. And they made fun of the kinds of things psychedelic users say: "we are all one", "the universe is love", etc. But the conclusion of the entire conversation was that if I went they would never let me back in the house again.

Now, I'm not some teenager going through a rebellious phase. I'm 24 and I'm both embarrassed and depressed to be still living with my parents, so I thought this might just be the catalyst I need to move out. I was religious when I was younger and I understand exactly why me going on a psychedelic retreat bothers my parents so much. Our worldviews are incompatible, there can't really be a compromise, and it would be best if we just lived separately. I had a job last summer and I hardly spent any of the money. I have enough money to cover the cost of the retreat plus modest living expenses for at least 2 months, possible even 3. My current living location isn't great for finding a job, especially with the Covid-19 lockdown, but by renting a room in the city I would have a better chance of finding one. If I managed to find a job within those 2 months, things would be fine. In theory it doesn't seem like an unrealistic plan.

In practice, I've been heavily depressed over the past year and a half, and it's only getting worse. I'm now getting doubts about whether going to a psychedelic retreat is the right thing to do, regardless of my family's attitude. While the combination of therapy, psychedelics and relaxation you get on such a retreat is probably quite good for mental health, I feel my problems may be too severe to be taking them to such an event. I feel it may be silly to expect the retreat to be a magic cure and that it may make things worse in fact.

There are several reasons why I'm depressed but chief among them is definitely my inability for dealing with people. I have an extremely hard time communicating with people and people tend to dislike me more often than not. My social skills have been improving over time, especially over the past few months. But no matter what I always feel I massively lag behind other people my age in this regard. People would expect a 24 year old to have better social skills and this will make it difficult to find and keep a job. I have had a few jobs before but I never lasted long in them (all of them were less than 2 months). On top of that being depressed, I know there will be days when I have absolutely no motivation and this will further make it harder to find a job.

The problem is that if I do nothing, then what? At my age, living with my parents and sitting in my room all day (as I said it's very hard to find a job in my current location, and the lockdown limits how far I could commute) is both bad for my mental state and it's bad for other people's opinion of me. Thus, it only magnifies my problems.

I'm not expecting people on an internet forum to have the perfect answer of course, but please try to advise me:

1) Should I go on the psychedelic retreat?

2) Regardless of whether I go on the retreat or not, should I move out? (not going on the retreat would save a fair amount of money, giving me a few more weeks of breathing room)

[neovox]

1) move out

2) if you do the retreat, have no expectations

3) think less, act more

4) take responsibility for everything

[Zigzag Idiot]

 @Sea I agree with @neovox who gets right to the point.

Reading your post I felt a glimpse into your inner world and felt a similarity with my past somewhat. 
I didn’t understand the concept of what a successful individuation process meant until well into adulthood. A part of this process involves dealing with the internalized voice or inner critic in one, which is commonly the voice of the dominant parent (caregiver) aka super ego. 
My gut tells me you may benefit as I did by becoming more familiar with the individuation process and dealing with super ego attacks which can perpetuate doubts within oneself. Maybe find some YouTube’s to start with if this idea appeals to you.

Good luck

[Sempiternity]

Yep, do whatever you can to move out. Sounds super toxic. Cut out anyone who doesn't support your growth, and that includes family. Don't let anyone else's issues stop you from doing what is best for yourself. There are so many people at there that you will meet that will call you family and love and support any choice you make to better yourself. Join some social groups in whatever interests you and you will find likeminded people. This will make making connections easy, so you don't have to worry about any social anxiety issues. Heck, I bet if you went to that psychedelic retreat you'd meet many connections. Good luck on your path. 

[Logan]

Maybe psychedelics aren’t a great idea with depression and making big life changes right afterword. Maybe do a meditation retreat instead? Enlightenment doesn’t seem like it should be your highest priority right now. I’m in a similar situation and I think enlightenment in the short term will make things harder, given your situation. Have you checked out the life purpose course? I recommend focusing on finding your life purpose, your mental health, and your living situation.

Maybe research C-PTSD and personality disorders. 
I had a bad family situation growing up and had some of these issues along with depression.

[Waken]

I love this video, and have shared it multiple times. It hooks in exactly on your dilemma in approximately the first two minutes.

 

Edited April 25, 2021 by Waken