How can I find strenght to deal with a conservative father!"?

[mimi]

Hello everyone, and thank you for reading. I am a 20 year old university student. Since my university is in my hometown, I still have to live with my parents. My mother is a pretty understanding woman, some might call her "liberal", but my father is a different story. A man who is very unsatisfied with his life and is trying to control everyone and force his own opinions on me and my mother. It is very frustrating having to hide my true self and pretty much live a double life. He is restricting me in different ways: he wont allow me to go out, to date, dress the way I want and mind you I dont drink, smoke or party. I simply desire to go for a walk with a friend at 9pm. The way he sees a women - as stupid, weak and easily manipulated creatures that need to be controlled is really starting to take a toll on me; my social life and mental health which is already bad. My biggest problem is that I am currently in a very happy long term relationship and I want to travel and stay with my boyfriend for longer periods of time. Since my boyfriend lives in another place, he can only come visit me sometimes, so we want to make the most out of every second we spend together. I feel horrible having to deny hangouts with him, especially since he is trying his best to keep the relationship going, because of my father. My boyfriend doesnt want to keep trying and investing all his time and effort into this relationship when we cant even spend  few days at the time together, and I dont blame him for it. He is super sweet and patient, but that wont last forever. How can i deal with my father for another 3 years - until i graduate and im able to move out? Also, I am trying to show him how responsible I am: I am a decent student, I hang out with nice people, help around the house all the time, I barely even ask my parents for money. Thank you in advance. 

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, mimi said:

Hello everyone, and thank you for reading. I am a 20 year old university student. Since my university is in my hometown, I still have to live with my parents.

That’s a belief. Lots of people work full time and go to college. Not to imply that you shouldn’t live at home, if that’s what you want, but it’s much easier to feel appreciation for how good your situation is when you uncover the belief of that ‘have to’. Misunderstanding and misidentifying motivation veils inspiration and is an energy zapping clog or blockage in a way.  

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My mother is a pretty understanding woman, some might call her "liberal", but my father is a different story. A man who is very unsatisfied with his life and is trying to control everyone and force his own opinions on me and my mother. It is very frustrating having to hide my true self and pretty much live a double life.

Your true self is unconditional, and allowing of all to be as they are, without need of being right or anyone being agreeable with anything. 

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He is restricting me in different ways: he wont allow me to go out, to date, dress the way I want and mind you I dont drink, smoke or party. I simply desire to go for a walk with a friend at 9pm. The way he sees a women - as stupid, weak and easily manipulated creatures that need to be controlled is really starting to take a toll on me; my social life and mental health which is already bad.

Take a toll on you only in focusing on the thoughts which create discord for you. Allow him his thoughts & feeling, and you realize they’re not yours. 

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My biggest problem is that I am currently in a very happy long term relationship and I want to travel and stay with my boyfriend for longer periods of time. Since my boyfriend lives in another place, he can only come visit me sometimes, so we want to make the most out of every second we spend together. I feel horrible having to deny hangouts with him, especially since he is trying his best to keep the relationship going, because of my father. My boyfriend doesnt want to keep trying and investing all his time and effort into this relationship when we cant even spend  few days at the time together, and I dont blame him for it. He is super sweet and patient, but that wont last forever. How can i deal with my father for another 3 years - until i graduate and im able to move out? Also, I am trying to show him how responsible I am: I am a decent student, I hang out with nice people, help around the house all the time, I barely even ask my parents for money. Thank you in advance. 

Focus on what you actually want, financially supporting yourself. Parents, boyfriends, etc, no one can supplement the desire for independence. 

[mimi]

@Nahm Thank you for taking the time to reply. Currently it is impossible for me to be financially independent, and I have tried many things. I dont hate living at home and i am actually happy that I have that privilege in a way. I just wish I knew how to fight for my rights, or adapt to the situation. My father is an aggressive man and im afraid things will go south very easily. He might even get physical as crazy as it sounds... I feel like I have to pick between having any sort of social life such as having a relationship or friends, and not causing drama in the house. I appreciate your reply! 

[Egzoset]

Salutations Mimi,

 

21 hours ago, mimi said:

...still have to live with my parents.  ...  My boyfriend doesn't want to keep trying...

 

Sometimes the 2nd option is all that's left when facing a toxic environment, which feels like some vague reminder of books authored by Suzan Forward, although it may require role adaptations to fit...

 

Good day, have fun!! 

[Ethan1]

Probably he means well but is controlling. Probably has a certain set of limiting beliefs and values that conflict. Sounds emotionally immature. You can't change him. All you can do is change yourself and set limits/boundaries. 

I recommend a booked called Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. I recently listened to it on Audible - Highly recommend. 

Really depends on your mindset.  All I can say is sit down and come up with a game plan. Create a budget. Determine what you are willing to sacrifice to have a better living environment. If you want to move, then move. 

Edited March 30, 2021 by Ethan1

[Hulia]

@mimi You are 20, you don´t need to ask your father for permissions any more. Just dress your way and go out when you want. What can he do? Reject you a pocket money? But these are the peanuts, you can earn them with some small jobs. 

Just do it. He might be outrgaged in the beginning, but he will have to cope with it after time. He will get used. The other side-effect is, maybe he stopps to see you as "a stupid, weak and easily manipulated creature". Stop pleasing him all the time, it hasn´t worked and it won´t work!

Edited March 30, 2021 by Hulia

[Nahm]

On 3/28/2021 at 9:30 AM, mimi said:

@Nahm Thank you for taking the time to reply. Currently it is impossible for me to be financially independent, and I have tried many things.

That’s also a belief. It’s possible by getting two or three jobs and working around the clock. I’m not suggesting you do that, and I’m definitely not trying to imply that you should, or that you should feel bad in any way whatsoever for not doing that. I’m suggesting that when you recognize it is a belief, you rather instantly appreciate the situation more deeply. 

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I dont hate living at home and i am actually happy that I have that privilege in a way. I just wish I knew how to fight for my rights, or adapt to the situation. My father is an aggressive man and im afraid things will go south very easily. He might even get physical as crazy as it sounds... I feel like I have to pick between having any sort of social life such as having a relationship or friends, and not causing drama in the house. I appreciate your reply! 

This is the common generational plight. Each generation is (loosely speaking) more open minded than the previous. There are different perspectives and ways to communicate that can be explored, but safety is first. I’m not trying to put you on the spot and am not asking for a reply per se, but wonder what’s behind saying he might get physical. If he has a history of this, etc. If this is the case, it’s an important distinction, as this is not a matter of a generational clash, but of abuse. 

It might seem like a belief crusade here, but where you’re headed imo is better communication, expression & understanding, with your dad. Better communication looks like little to no reactionary behavior, willingness to express honestly and to hear the other person as well. I’m focused on your feeling better, because the better one is feeling the less one is triggered, and the better communication is. 

[mimi]

@Ethan1 Thank you for kind reply! That book seems like it could be helpful

[Ethan1]

@mimi Ey you're welcome! I really got a lot of that book or audio book.. 

Highly recommend the audio book. I've just finished listening to it a 2nd time

I can relate to what you're going through or tolerated.. It like living with 5 year olds (emotionally speaking) 

 

 

Edited March 31, 2021 by Ethan1