Temporary period of loneliness

[Preety_India]

I'm going through a temporary period of extreme Loneliness. 

 

For the past 2 weeks since March 17.

I have been going through huge bouts of loneliness. 

And.... I feel totally crushed. 

I can't explain why this is happening 

 

No idea 

I'm trying to cope with it the best way I can. 

But I have to admit something. 

As much as brutal and cruel this period of loneliness has been for me, I've learned life's most valuable lessons from this period more than from any other period or point in my life. 

I have tears in my eyes yet each tear is a great lesson. 

 

I called my ex (Joseph) last week and told him that I have forgiven him. I let it go. Since then a lot of my bitterness has gone away. 

I don't want to be in that bitter space forever. 

I don't want to be in that hateful space forever. 

I am a free spirited girl with a big sweet heart. I always want to be remembered that way till the day I die. I don't wish to lose who I was.. Who I am. 

I always want to stay this sweet girl that I always have been. That is the last thing that is left of me anyway, everything was anyway destroyed. I don't want this last piece of me to be snatched from me (everything else was gradually snatched from me by life). I want this last piece of my soul to be left with me. This is all I got. If this gets snatched from me, it would be my spiritual abuse. 

I just want to stay in this sweet space forever. 

I know I'm on the edge right now. Anything can tip me over the edge. 

So i just wanna be careful. 

I'm in a very delicate period of my life, my most sensitive, my most emotional, my most vulnerable. 

Also I think I'm on the boundary of something new. Maybe something is waiting for me. 

I feel like I am too close to something better, too close to the finish line. 

This is a hurdle, probably the last hurdle I need to cross, and maybe after this I will find peace and a new beginning. 

Forever I will be... This way 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Just snub. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Deriving comfort in music.

 

[Preety_India]

Building a support system. 

 

 

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

Support Systems. 

?❤️?❤️  Music 

?❤️?❤️ Friends 

?❤️?❤️ Youtube gurus 

?❤️?❤️ Journaling 

?❤️?❤️ Playing with rings 

?❤️?❤️ Self referencing journaling. Talking to self 

???? Drinking coffee 

???? Talking to a psychiatrist

???? Watching YouTube videos and responding to comments 

???? Journaling about sex 

???? Art

???? Watching animal videos 

???? Collage art 

???? Playing video games or just games 

???? Word salad style journaling. Highly expressive 

???? Commenting on pictures and writing poetry. 

???? Consumption of exhaustive knowledge 

???? Immersion in inanimate content. That is pure content. 

????Minimal communication with people 

???? Cooking and gardening and reading 

???? Imagining and visualization of characters 

???? Stage Red Boyfriend 

???? Collecting Romantic art and writing about love, sex and romance. 

???? Venting and ranting in journals 

???? Staying away from toxic people 

???? Doing tarot card reading on Self and listening to reading of  other Tarot on self 

???? Positive affirmations 

???? Creating themed Journals 

???? Using visualizations and imaginary friends 

???? Doing Metta meditation. Giving love. 

???? Using religion, religious systems and religious groups. Community support. 

???? Spiritual practices 

???? Using acceptance and freedom 

 

 

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

I created this diagram about a support system. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes life is just terrible. 

 

[Blackhawk]

On 2021-03-27 at 11:07 PM, Preety_India said:

I'm going through a temporary period of extreme Loneliness. 

 

For the past 2 weeks since March 17.

I have been going through huge bouts of loneliness. 

And.... I feel totally crushed. 

I can't explain why this is happening 

 

No idea 

I'm trying to cope with it the best way I can. 

But I have to admit something. 

As much as brutal and cruel this period of loneliness has been for me, I've learned life's most valuable lessons from this period more than from any other period or point in my life. 

I have tears in my eyes yet each tear is a great lesson. 

Now imagine that extended over your entire life until your death. And also imagine that you don't have a single online friend either. (That's my life.)

[Preety_India]

@Blackhawk which country are you from? 

 

[Blackhawk]

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Blackhawk which country are you from? 

Sweden.

[Preety_India]

@Blackhawk I see. Must be lockdown there 

 

[Blackhawk]

Just now, Preety_India said:

@Blackhawk I see. Must be lockdown there 

No there isn't.

[Zigzag Idiot]

The descriptions are similar to an episode I had a few tears ago that I correlated with what many call the Dark night of the Soul phenomena. It felt crushing and devastating. I ordered Saint John’s Work - Dark Night of the Soul and also Saint Teresa’s Interior Castle which I seem to get more from. 
My Dark night of the Soul hit suddenly but seemed to depart gradually over probably about a two month period. It’s similar in nature to what Christina Grof and Jana Dixon among others refer to as a Spiritual emergency.

One of the experiences that stood out to me was the distinct feeling that - “ I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” which was an outlook that didn’t stick permanently but enough that the memory of it has never completely left. So later, roughly put, whenever I got into some kind of petty emotion or anger towards someone, I could draw on the memory of that terrible time and gain a bit of sobriety in emotion to allow a feeling of empathy back internally towards whoever triggered me.

I consider it an aftermath of an awakening experience.  We awaken, then we die but then we’re born again,,,,

[Preety_India]

@Zigzag Idiot true 

[Preety_India]

The most hilarious incident of my life in recent times. A story of a crush gone horribly hilarious. 

 

 

So this happened recently. We both are in our 20s. 

This guy approached me online on a website. It was like a forum. He was an Irish guy. 

In the beginning we had great conversations. Ranging from any topic like politics to social things. I had been friends with him for 2 weeks. I barely knew him. I only knew that he was Irish and my age. 

In hindsight he probably had a crush on me. 

So he sends me lots of cute messages and voice messages telling me that he admires me so much 

I was like cool..... I'm just nonchalant... I have no clue what is going on in his mind. Since it's text messaging format, I have no clue what's going on with the person on the other end. Like what mood they are in. 

So i Just assume that he wants me as  a good friend.. He was from Ireland and his name was Seth. 

Then he suddenly started asking me about his looks 

I prefer to be a bit  non discriminatory about judging looks (I'm the worst person to ask an opinion on looks because my opinion is always the same - you look handsome /you look beautiful.  it's just me being generous in throwing praise) 

So i didn't say much in the beginning when he was sending me pictures. They were simple pictures in the beginning just showing his face or shirt. It was innocent. I didn't react much and I would generally change the subject. 

He then started sending pics of him, shirtless. Now I was a bit nervy. We used to have very humorous conversations and I thought this was a part of his humor. 

He began to ask me what I thought about his looks. 

Well, for one thing, he had this black bar or strip censoring his eyes in every pic. I couldn't get a proper view of his face and eyes.. So I told him that for me  to have an honest opinions on his looks I should at least be able to see him clearly. Then he sent me pics without it. I told him that he looks good. 

I don't know what ran through his mind, but I paid him only an innocent compliment as a friend. He probably took it as a sign that I might like him. 

After a few days, we had an argument over something, and he asked me if I loved him. And I said no. And I told him that I was just a friend.. 

He took it to heart. And he was kinda gloomy. I wasn't able to read his signs well. It's online communication. So it's tough. So I told him that he is like my brother and he can always ask me about anything he wants and I would be glad to help. At which point he was really pissed. And he said that he wanted me as a lover and not as a sister. And I said that I can't do that. 

He wasn't able to process this well. And he got mad. He threw a fit. Said a bunch of things to me. I was taken by surprise. 

And then became the biggest surprise. He sent me a message saying "I love you Preety" through another account within minutes. And I wasn't really grasping what was going on. Then a bunch more messages kept popping into my inbox through more accounts. One after another in quick Succession. I was thinking that this was crazy. And the list of accounts kept growing every minute with the same message popping up. I tried to block these alternate accounts and new accounts would emerge. I would block one and new one would pop up instantly. He was too quick with creating accounts and I wasn't quick enough to block them. My speed couldn't match his. I was laughing. Because this was just hilarious. I had never seen something like this. I didn't want to take it to heart because I really saw it as very childish. So I wanted to act matured in the situation. All I could do was sit and watch. I began counting all the accounts that he was creating to send me these repeated messages. Till that point they were 17..

So i contacted the website administrator about it and told the admin about the  multiple accounts created. At which point the admin banned my account which was hilarious given that I was the one getting stalked by this guy. 

My account was reinstated within a few minutes and I contacted Seth in the last account through which he had been sending me these messages. And I told him that I had contacted the admin and complained about him and he laughed off. And then I told him that I was going to be banned at which point he told me to show screenshots of all his 17 accounts to the admin for the complaint to be effective. I kinda thanked him for that pro tip. 

And once he had stopped stalking me, I told him to calm down. 

It was something out of the blue. I had never expected this sort of an over reaction to a very innocent innocuous rejection to be his lover. 

I kinda felt at that point that he had a crush on me and I was kinda slow to pick up on his feelings for me. 

I told him that I can still be a good friend and I wouldn't mind the incident of stalking and I would let it go and not take it to heart. 

It was the most hilarious situation in my life,  I couldn't imagine a grown guy acting like 12 year old throwing a fit because a girl said no. And then creating 17 accounts to harass her. 

I eventually left that website because there were too many psychos and weirdos like him there.

He wasn't a mean guy, I'm sure he always meant well at least that's what I got through  limited interactions I had with him. I didn't want to think the worst about him. He was just too lonely and he didn't have a girlfriend for the longest time so he wanted me to fill that role for him. I wished him well. 

 

But I always laugh out hysterically thinking about that incident. It was the most childish thing I had witnessed. 

 

I mean who does that