Dad won't stop smoking around me

[blankisomeone]

I'll start off by saying that my dad has a very difficult personality to deal with. He won't stop smoking around me and others. It bothers me tremendously. He's as stubborn as a mule about this behavior and takes every boundary people set on him as a personal attack as if his smoking habit is an intrinsic part of who is. "I've been smoking since I was 14! Don't expect me to stop now", he says. I've been telling him that I do not like it when he puffs cigarettes near me for as long as I can remember, and it just does not work at all. I've also tried to express my concern for his health, but he just doesn't care about health.  In one ear and out the other. Lost case. "Bro, I went to the doctor once. He did this test on me and said my lungs are as good as new!". And he always goes on muttering boomer-style about the fact that back in his day he could even smoke in busses without anyone on his ass, and that nowadays people are so soft. When my mother asks him to stop smoking around her, he goes "When we met, I already used to smoke a lot and you never whined about it, and now after 30 years of marriage you expect me to change?".

My dad grew up in a very dysfunctional family and still goes through a lot of family issues even today. It's impossible for me to help him and I am for sure not willing to anymore. I've tried. And all that happens is I get pulled into the drama and it distracts me from so much. Disgusting! Or I get into arguments that will solve nothing, only make both of us stressed.

His psychology is too complicated and fucked up. Life threw him more than his share of shit. He is high on neuritism and compassion. He's extremely compassionate. He's always smothering people with his desire to help even when people do not want or need his help. I can yell at him, disrespect him, ignore him, and he won't be mad at me for long, because he's too compassionate. Give it half an hour and he'll forgive me. He won't discipline me or try to resolve the issue, instead he'll just bury it. That's how my relationship is with him since I was little. 9-year old me would boss him around and he wouldn't mind.

He is very scared of death. Very paranoid. He overreacts to things that aren't even a threat, which sort of rubbed off on me a little from my growing up around him. As we grow up, our bodies learn what to be afraid of and what not to be afraid of partly based on our parents' reactions to stimuli. If your parents keep their cool under stressful situations, your body mirrors them to assess the situation and understands that you can calmy address problems and doesn't send off signals of anxiety over the smallest of issues. I'm grateful for the awareness I have of this dynamic and for my meditation practices, which have helped me a lot in navigating this sea of neuroticism that runs in my family.

Now back to smoking. He still walks into my room smoking. Sometimes he even laughs at me when I get mad at him for smoking! "Chilll, dude, I only stepped one foot into your room to talk to you, my cigarette hand is outside." He just doesn't understand that the putrid smoky STENCH permeates the entire freaking house the second he lights that shit. The mere sound of the double flick of the lighter sparks off anger in me sometimes. He even makes me believe that I am the one who's being petty about this. And that I'm the one who should just open my mind to his destructive habit. Ridiculous.

I've punched him square in the face many times in my mind. And it's honestly a miracle that I haven't actually done it. Heck, if I did it, he'd forgive me anyways and wouldn't stop smoking anyways haha. Lost case, guys. Lost.

Anyways, I'm just pouring my heart out here.

Edited March 28, 2021 by blankisomeone

[Chew211]

Your dad actually sounds pretty dope tbh

[EnlightenmentBlog]

Sounds like smth you have to endure until you move out.

[blankisomeone]

10 hours ago, Chew211 said:

Your dad actually sounds pretty dope tbh

That’s literally what everyone says. Looking from the outside he looks like a pretty cool guy, and he is. But living with him under the same roof especially now during Covid lockdown times is a whole ‘nother story.

Edited March 28, 2021 by blankisomeone

[blankisomeone]

4 hours ago, EnlightenmentBlog said:

Sounds like smth you have to endure until you move out.

I should seriously start looking into that.

[Average Investor]

I would invest in a high quality air filter for the time being for your room. It likely is going to go through filters fairly fast though. You could try to show him the statistics on second hand smoking too. Breaking an addiction is pretty difficult for a lot of people. Especially after so many years. No one likes smoking outside either. 

Does he smoke viceroy?

 

[vladorion]

Viceroy are the cigarettes of my childhood. Had my first cigarette when I was 5.

[blankisomeone]

32 minutes ago, vladorion said:

Viceroy are the cigarettes of my childhood. Had my first cigarette when I was 5.

Dad?

[Eternity]

My husband was a smoker and I didn't mind it when we were in Europe where everyone smokes.  But moving back to the states did it for me.  We started our family and that's when I started to hate it.  Our son began having coughing spasms and I was sure it was the smoking that did it.  He became motivated because of that and agreed to go to the garage to smoke.  Then he had to go outside at work to smoke and he hated that since he's a workaholic.  So he finally got motivated.  He bought a program to quit smoking which included a CD he could listen to on the way to work.  A lot of it was hypnosis mixed with aversion therapy.  He followed it faithfully and it worked.  He'd been smoking 35 years.  Anyway, people like your dad who stubbornly hang onto a habit are actually good candidates for reverse psychology.  Start giving him props for the habit.  Tell him you've been thinking of taking the habit up.  Tell him he's going to be one of those cool old guys, like mafia with their hats and their cigarettes smoking outside a restaurant somewhere plotting some murder or other.  Anything positive you can think of about it is what you need to say.  I'm sure he loves you, so if you imply it might be effecting your lungs, but wtf, you're in an age group that doesn't get the covid, right, he might start thinking seriously about being a stubborn, selfish old sob.  But keep in mind the more you dis him for it, the more determined he will be to hang on.  He has to be motivated before he tries to quit or it won't work.  You could mention casually that you guess quitting won't work for him anyway because he just wouldn't be strong enough to do it.  Give him that as an excuse and he will get competitive and motivated as well to prove he can quit.

[integral]

Was in a similar situation, solutions.

1) He needs to have a emotional realization that what hes doing is hurting other people. "Omg what have i been doing to my family...." a depression kind of insight, where hes kicking himself. No idea how to make this happen. You need to love him into changing. This is honestly the only realistic way. 

2) Move out. 

3) install multiple air exchangers around the house (swapping indoor and our door air) or buy a industrial air purified with multiple activated charcoal beds (noize and expensive) or keep windows opened at all times if possible

4) Convince him to switch to E-cigs, really sell it, make sure he knows about all the amazing flavours and options...

5) Convince him to smoke in the garage or out a window or in the kitchen exhaust ventilators (fan above the stove)

All aggression basically doesn't work for any reason, its just fighting, they will double down, it strengthens their position. In my situation i opened every window in the house every time they smoked, dead of winter. I made sure if i was being poisoned by inhaling there smoke, then they where going to freeze as i cleared it out of the house. They of course didn't see the fairness of it. Its all about them, they dont see how second hand smoke is poisonous, completely blind to it. Its unconscious devilry. If your allowed to smoke in the house then i should be allowed to clear it out? Simple logic? Not for smokers. If your doing something to me that i dont like, then i should be able to do something to you that you dont like? Fairness? 

If you try this with your dad, he will probably say something like "its my house, i make the rules, when you get your own house you c an do wtv you want" "if you dont like it move out". This is basicly how fighting plays out in the end. 

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by integral

[integral]

Cheap solution, only thing i would change is to make the air pass trow a hepa filter first, then the carbon. 

It will clear out mustard gas lmao, that house is going to be prepped and ready for WW3. 

Edited April 4, 2021 by integral