My weird perspective of reality.

[Javfly33]

There's something "fucked up" that happens in my experience when sometimes I see a couple of cute girls doing a selfie and they upload it to Instagram.

I never gave it too much importance, but lately I am getting more close towards they call in spiritual practices: "feeling". And therefore and I am becoming conscious I am having some weird fucking thoughts sometimes when I see this pictures. Before getting close to "feeling" and Actually recognizing that I feel bad when I do, I didn't even want to recognize the thoughts, it's like feeling was protecting me with the thoughts. By basically not even sending me the message that I am feeling bad (this doesn't make any sense sorry)  It would be great if nahm give me his output here)

When I see this kind of pictures, I feel bad s lot of times. I just realize it more clearly. So I look at thoughts. They say something like "Look how they smile. They are so happy because they are better than you .They are so superior. You can't never have them. They humiliate you. They think you are an inferior, beta, weak scum bag that shouldn't  even talk to them".

Now that's some weird thoughts. Because I dont remember ever being bullied or humiliated and definitely not by cute girls Lol. Yeah sure I was s little bit special and shy on school but honestly not so much. Like I wasn't any weirdo who would have trauma of being so different or ugly to others that they would get trauma from it. And I have even done some pick up here and there and I have gotten positive feedback from it so I have a *rational understating that I can be attractive to girls if I make the effort and work on myself.

So basically what you think this weird perspective of reality is coming from and how you think I can heal (if this is the correct word, because I don't remember being hurt). I feel this perspective is what is causing me some residual anxiety/thought stories and perpetuates the false story of the self, so any advice to clear this out to have a white canvas to work on the rest of my life would be great ? thanks for reading.

Edited March 27, 2021 by Javfly33

[BlackMaze]

The mind can continue for ever talking bs and believing all sorts of things in the backround. It doesn't matter where the thoughts came from. It's probably conditioning and beliefs held about yourself. The important thing is to become aware of these thoughts, something that is rare in people which you were able to do. The only thing to do is to stop believing the thoughts telling you who you are. You just need to go behind the thoughts and become aware of the space that allows them to be. Probably my explanation sucks. What i am trying to say is that whatever your thoughts or emotions you can just step out of them and just be. You are the one that observes all this and mistakes himself as the thoughts beliefs and emotions. This never stops but you can eventually see through all of this and see how this works. In that case your mind told you that you are too beta for these girls. You just observed that. Then you remember that you are the one that observed this and not this. Your avatar is not real. Each time you do this you become more conscious and free. You said that you are not a weirdo and you know you can be attractive. This is just another belief like the belief of being beta for these girls. Again you are the one that observed this thought and believed the identity that makes you special. If you were a weirdo you would believe you are a weirdo, again not true. Let's say you have an accident and you become a weirdo. Your suffering would be great because your identity consisting of the belief you are attractive would shutter. You will always suffer if you continue believing the thoughts that randomly come about who you are. 

[traveler]

Check out @Nahms new vid, it applies well to your situation. 

My take: 

What I've noticed in myself is a tendency to focus more on others than myself. In inquiry I've discovered that I put more value on not hurting others than I do on what is best for me. If there is anything I try to practice now, it is to be selfish. Being selfish has very negative connotations in society, we are brainwashed to think that being selfish is bad, but being selfish, contrary to popular belief, does not equate to being a dick. It is self love, and if you love yourself you'll have love to spare for others. If you make it a priority to treat yourself with upmost respect, even if no one respects you like you do yourself, whatever negative opinions and thoughts they/you have about you won't resonate anymore. You'll start making decision with your best intentions in mind even if peoples feelings get hurt.  It won't be an overnight thing, but you'll realize that you'll begin to take action with more certainty and you'll be less inclined to fall into that self-conscious bubble of "what are they thinking about me."

I don't know how much this applies to your situation, as I don't know the whole scope of it. Basically give less fucks and be more selfish and you'll find that you won't become a dick, you'll be a more confident, loving and happy version of yourself. 

Stepping into your highest potential is what we all want for ourselves and others deep down, if everyone was less in everyone else's business and more in their own, the world would be a happier place. It is not about the end goal, it is about aligning with what feels good, and what feels good is what feels good to you. Self destructive thoughts of not being good enough will start to be less sticky and wither away once you start to recognize that you actually are good enough.

Edited March 27, 2021 by traveler

[Nahm]

@Javfly33

Self demeaning & diminishing thoughts about yourself are clearly what you don’t want. What do you want? 

[Guest EmptyVase]

4 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

"Look how they smile. They are so happy because they are better than you .They are so superior. You can't never have them. They humiliate you. They think you are an inferior, beta, weak scum bag that shouldn't  even talk to them".

Basically the same what Nahm wrote: How do these thoughts make you feel? How do you want to feel? Do these thoughts support you in feeling better? Extract what you find valuable in these thoughts and ditch the rest.

4 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

And I have even done some pick up here and there and I have gotten positive feedback from it so I have a *rational understating that I can be attractive to girls if I make the effort and work on myself.

That's only one aspect. When rational understanding (of something) is not linked with emotional health, that rational understanding won't make you feel better.

4 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

how you think I can heal (if this is the correct word, because I don't remember being hurt)

You don't want to heal your memory, you want to heal how you feel right now. Though healing how you feel right now might flush your subconscious mind - and with that, memories.

[allislove]

@Javfly33 this

It's so good, thanks @Nahm , creator creating creation 

 

[Javfly33]

@EmptyVase That sounds very coherent. And definitely "feels good" because it's about being good NOW. The belief that I need to heal something about the past seems that is more BS from the false self. Nice. Thanks all for the juicy and very insightful answers.

 

[Javfly33]

@Nahm ??

I would say the only 'issue' here (not even an issue, just something to be aware of to make the process faster ) is that sometimes (hell, most of the time except this week, or after retreats, yoga, or tripping) , it feels like they aren't thoughts about myself, but rather they are about reality. In that case I am left powerless just feeling bad not even knowing WHY .

When I am aware enough to go deep into feeling and unveil the thoughts, then is when I discover they are about myself and I can change them.

For example in what sense "they think I am a loser" is a thought about me?

It's something that they They think. Therefore it's about reality itself . It can't be changed. (I don't actually belief this. Just playing the devil's advocate here) 

 

[Nahm]

13 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

it feels like they aren't thoughts about myself, but rather they are about reality. In that case I am left powerless just feeling bad not even knowing WHY

There are people who suggest considering that reality = you. 

13 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

For example in what sense "they think I am a loser" is a thought about me?

It's something that they They think. Therefore it's about reality itself . It can't be changed. (I don't actually belief this. Just playing the devil's advocate here) 

It’s a thought you’re experiencing, about you.