Shaming myself

[Preety_India]

Often I deal with feelings of shame. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

One incident that I feel very shameful about is this - 

This is regarding Joseph my ex boyfriend. 

Like once while having sex, he said to me that I should call him Daddy. 

And I did that.

Later I felt a bit ashamed of myself. 

Because I didn't want to do that or maybe I wanted to do but not in that fashion 

 

It felt very dirty. 

Yea.. It felt very dirty.. 

 

After that I was a bit shameful while having Sex. 

Like - what am I doing??? 

 

 

The othe incident that I remember with my ex, was...

He was lashing out at me. He was too angry. 

And I told him something like - you can rape me as a punishment but please don't leave me 

He was just stunned. He guilted me for it 

 

And I felt horrible. Like it was such a shameful thing to do.. 

 

These two incidents is something l regret. Deeply. 

I feel very ashamed thinking about it. 

 

 

Edited March 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

4

The other incident that I remember very painfully and it always brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it.

I was just 11 years old. And one day I got my period.. 

And I told my mom that I needed to change and wear a pad. A sanitary pad. 

And my mom dragged me into a room where my dad was. He was on the phone so he wasn't looking. 

And she told me to strip naked. And change the pad. 

And I was very hesitant to leave the room. Because I felt intensely uncomfortable and nervous. At which point she forced me to undress myself..i was looking at my dad hoping that he won't be looking at me. And he wasn't looking at me and he hadn't noticed what she had said because he was on the phone. And that was a saving grace. 

So i did what she commanded. I got naked and stripped. And I changed my  pad. 

And put my clothes back on. 

I felt absolute garbage after leaving the room. 

It was very traumatic incident for me 

I felt like my sense of being, worth, identify, value were completely violated 

 

It was seriously sexually abusive and messed up whatever she did to me. 

 

 

Edited March 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

When I told my ex Joseph about that incident he said to me that it was seriously messed up. 

I didn't deserve that 

So i went through some messed up stuff that made me feel ashamed of myself. 

I thought everything was my fault. 

 

There was no sense of boundary or respect left 

Every boundary was violated. 

My mom would often shame me 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I recently told my sibling about that incident and they told me to not tell anyone else. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

And my mom would do some messed up sexual things to me. She found me cute. She would often tell me how cute I was while putting my clothes on me. 

She would touch me inappropriately and make it seem normal. I did not understand at the time that it was something wrong. 

I just accepted whatever she did as a part of her affection. 

She would often touch me there..... And I was just a kid. 

 

She would make me talk to men, absolute strangers men who I didn't want to talk to, but she would encourage me to talk to these much older adult men when I was just a kid like 8 years old. 

 

 

It sort of made me feel very unworthy and violated 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Recently I confronted my mom about all these things she did, and like any typical abuser, she denied everything as though she didn't remember any of that. 

I sometimes felt like it was better if she was just dead. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Then one day she opened up to me and told me how she was sexually abused as a child, she was just 4 years old and a guy who was 12 years old took her to a strange place and raped her. 

 

I felt very bad for her.. 

But that wasn't an excuse. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I felt like I deserved all the bad things that happened to me 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I had this dream yesterday where I felt I was raped by a person who I offered shelter in my home. 

I woke up in fear 

 

At the same time I felt deep shame and guilt as to why I did this, how this was all my fault. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm taking advice from my psychiatrist Dr Mike regarding my issues.. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My feelings of shame are mixed with two more emotions 

 

It's like a combination of 

                  Shame, regret and guilt 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Shame around men. 

In general I feel a sense of shame around men. I noticed this. I don't look at men, especially I don't look them in the eye. I don't make eye contact with most men I come across. I tend to look down on the floor when a man is having a conversation with me. 

Maybe I feel subconsciously that the man is shaming me for some unknown reason. 

Also I don't feel confident around men. I feel scared, sometimes mortified if a man is approaching me. I tend to get very shy and explode in nervous laughter and feel guilty later. 

My laugh is generally taken as a sign of confidence, meanwhile my laughter comes from fear and me trying to calm that fear by laughing. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Dr Mike is awesome. I called him up today and he had a short chat and he was being very supportive.. 

 

[Preety_India]

Mike told me to watch these videos 

 

[Preety_India]

Mike told me to watch these videos 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I created this diagram about a support system.