My Struggle With Neuroticism On The Path To Enlightenment

[Travis]

Hey, everyone. I've been neurotic pretty much my entire life, and I've accumulated a lot of anxious and fear-based thinking habits and irrational beliefs and fears.

Pursuing enlightenment has just compounded it all and I feel like I'm stuck with nowhere to go, no way to move forward. I practice remaining as awareness as often as I can, but the conditioning is just so powerful. I've watched Leo's video on neuroticism and have learned a lot from other sources as well, but it just feels like my cup is just way too damn full.

I think part of the problem is that I want answers to all of my questions, but I have absolutely no answers and it's hard to be comfortable with that. Maybe being comfortable with all of the unknowns is the answer and if it is I need to find a way to start practicing that. 

At this point I'm questioning everything. If enlightenment is real, if self-transformation is possible, etc. I am just so confused about what I want and how to go about achieving it. 

Side note: I've been doing a lot of work on the nature of the separate self for the last several months, and suffice it to say that the separate self does seem to be completely illusory. It seems like the more of the illusion I become aware of, the more fearful and anxious and depressed, etc. I become. I'm just sick of being stuck in limbo. I don't know how to progress forward, and it's laughable at this point to even consider the possibility of turning back and trying to pretend I can find peace, happiness, and all of the deep meaningful things that humans want out of life by getting a career, family, more money, etc.

To sum it all up: I'm confused as shit, don't know how the fuck to progress on the path, and don't know how to deal with my neuroticism. I have a deep desire to start working on the neuroticism and would love to know if anyone knows of a framework I can use to go about doing it. Any other helpful suggestions are also welcome.  

[Leo Gura]

Just start doing meditation & self-inquiry every day, and stop all this ego-drama. There's nothing to figure out. You don't exist and never have. Either you want to become conscious of this truth, or not. If you do, thinking about it will not help. You just need to sit down every day and look at the fact that you don't exist. Don't expect it to feel good at first. You've built your entire life around this illusion.

Get comfortable with confusion. It's a good thing here.

[Travis]

Alright. I appreciate the input.

[Flicker_boy]

thinking about it does help, but only if you obsess about it so much till one day you just make the jump. It's a highly portable practice and meets your makeup if you are indeed neurotic. Focus your thoughts and attention on these aspects of experience: suffering/unsatisfactoriness, no-self and impermanence. The mind will connect the dots for you.

Edited October 20, 2016 by InsidesOut

[Travis]

Thanks, InsidesOut. Making that jump is what I want to do.

[Joel3102]

I've been dealing with similar issues, it's like once you swallow the red pill you're stuck between a rock and hard place.  I find it's best to surrender and have trust in the process and that in the end, nothing is gonna kill you, and like Leo says, it's all ego drama. Have faith in the emptiness.

[Travis]

Joel3102, I appreciate it. Thanks for the clarity.

[Leo Gura]

@Joel3102 Don't worry, you can fall back asleep very easily, at any time. In fact, that's almost 99% the case unless you make SERIOUS efforts otherwise. You haven't swallowed any pill. You're gonna have to fight tooth and nail for YEARS to break down that ego to the point of no return.

[Joel3102]

@Leo Gura Well....fuck.

[Prabhaker]

2 hours ago, Travis said:

I've been neurotic pretty much my entire life

The ego is the source of all neurosis, because the ego is the center of all falsity, of all perversions. The whole problem is with the ego. If you live with the ego, sooner or later you will become neurotic. You will have to become, because ego is the basic neurosis. 

In between a normal person and the mad people in the madhouses there is not vast difference -- only a difference of degrees, not of any quality, quantity. You may be ninety-eight degrees, and they have gone beyond hundred. You can go any time; the difference is not vast. 

A madman is a man whose ego has taken total possession. And just the opposite is the case with an enlightened man who has dropped the ego completely.

Neurosis has never been so epidemic in the past as it is now. It is almost becoming a normal state of human mind. It has to be understood.

The past was spiritually more healthy, and the reason was that mind was not fed so many things simultaneously; the mind was not overloaded. The modern mind is overloaded, and that which remains unassimilated creates neurosis. 

A really healthy person is one who takes fifty percent of his time to assimilate his experiences. Fifty percent action, fifty percent inaction – that is the right balance. Fifty percent thinking, fifty percent meditation – that is the cure.

Meditation is nothing but a time when you can relax utterly into yourself, when you close all your doors, all your senses, to the outside stimulus. You disappear from the world. You forget the world as if it exists no more – no newspapers, no radio, no television, no people. You are alone in your innermost being, relaxed, at home. In these moments, all that has become accumulated is assimilated. That which is worthless is thrown out. Meditation functions like a double-edged sword: on the one hand it assimilates all that is nourishing, and it rejects and throws out all that is junk.

[Travis]

Interesting take, Prabhaker. Lot of good points to consider. Thanks

[WelcometoReality]

@Travis It comes a time where you will just give up. When you see that nothing you do work. That there is nothing to really do. A surrender of the "me". And it will happen of itself.

[Travis]

@WelcometoReality When I let go more and more I feel the peace, and when I grasp a hold of thoughts suffering is there. Good point to remember and keep my eye on, thank you.

[Awomanaware]

@Travis Oh, why are we all being so harsh on our ego, haha  I think you are actualy doing great because you are not ignoring the fact that your ego is being neurotic. Self love a.k.a ego love in this case works wonders, in my experience The one thing that has helped me when these sort of feelings come up, is acknowledging them, appreciating them, not judging them, but being aware these are not my emotions. They just seek some attention. They need to be felt, that's the point, experience, in my opinion. They want to be experienced, but we are ignoring them because we think that's bad. Maybe some of them are, but I've found, when we let go the need of control, we will experience them, and they are gone. If there wasn't for ego, we wouldn't be able to feel, get over it and then expand.

Also, try re-focusing your thoughts from the current state to the concept of future - having some positive visions of your ego, instead of focusing on the image of your ego as this 4 ever neurotic ego. Maybe try writing it down in a notebook, everyday, so that it becomes a habit, and starts to make little shifts in your ego image.

Ah our little egos, they feel so abandoned with all of this enlightenment and stuff, let's show our egos some love and be grateful for the experience   Hope this helps.

[Travis]

@Martina

Good advice. Thank you. Putting the "bad" spin on ego stuff is just more resistance and confuses matters further. It reinforces the belief in a separate self. I appreciate the input.

[Travis]

@BLABLABLA

Yeah, I've acclimated to another plateau. I know exactly what needs to be done and it will all happen when it's time  

The search is over.