Intense suffering, feeling locked. What's the route out?

[lmfao]

I haven't the faintest clue what it is and what caused it, but these past few weeks and months, I feel like I've been in hell psychologically and physically. I'm not sure if I've ever suffered this much in my life, not even half, even when I was suicidal 2-3 years ago. I don't think I'm suicidal rn. For whatever reasons I don't understand, I don't think I ever will/can go down that route, I genuinely can't see myself ever actually wanting or letting myself do something like that. Even if my hell multiplied. Never say never though! (only just a dark humour joke there) 


I feel like I have 100 different problems at once that it's hard to start anything. Too many things wrong at once. We can only do 1 thing at time, and even that I get distracted by or don't/can't carry out. It's like one massive neurotic chain where each element/link strengthens the whole. 
If I try to focus on 1 element, some random other element will boomerang and hit me on the back of the head, entering my mind and distracting me, pulling me down.
Let me write down a list so as to give you a sense of what I mean: 

Deep existential despair and depression, chronic anxiety both internally and whenever I go outside, constant nausea, volatile and unstable mood, anger, chronic fatigue, [ major DPDR with multiple discontinuities and blackouts in perception, self and past], autism, trouble being honest, managing relationships, triggered by other people.  Low motivation, youtube addiction, discord addiction, Netflix addiction, porn addiction, (Unmanaged things which are problems); large amounts of university work, spiritual work, health work, psychological work, life purpose work, diet. Severe insomnia and very abnormal sleep schedule, extremely intense nausea every time I eat anything, poor posture, headaches. Onslaught of negative feeling and emotion, reaching very down. 

I feel locked. Like I'm a robber trapped in a matrix of red lasers or something. Or like I'm playing a complicated version of Twister but in Alice's Wonderland, where there is no certainty and rules, perspectives and objects contort on a dime, leaving me confused and tortured. And of course my ego dramatises it by wanting to call it hell, I can see that fact a little sometimes without pretending/forcing insight. But it feels like hell for sure! 
My life feels like one bad trip and one bad dream from this POV (I maybe intellectually have a faint knowledge that my emotions/present color my memory/past). I'm 20 now, and from this current POV I feel like I was goaded and strung along to this. Like this all happened to me out of nowhere. Put on a negative path before I knew what was happening. I may have somewhat logical explanations for how things turned out this way, but the facts don't explain the depths of suffering being this deep. 

Only thing which could save me now is a real miracle, complete paradigm shift, but I have no clue. At the very least I can stop pretending a few minor things maybe, in this moment. I have this one particular flavour of feeling brimming and filling my present moment, and it's very painful and negative. I have no words for how bad it feels. Even though it's painful, in some bizarre fashion there are milliseconds where it feels more neutral. A wave/dynamic nature to it which isn't completely bad. I don't understand what's going on, it's still painful. 
I keep trying and trying to distract myself, but it's just gonna remain here until I do something or face it? Sigh. Maybe I can get through this.................Just focus on this feeling. 


(Move this to Serious Emotional Problems if you want to, mods. But I prefer it here for the views)

Edited March 26, 2021 by lmfao

[Breakingthewall]

I've been close to where you are. A hell.  you're smart, you know what's wrong with you, but it's impossible to get out. if it is not one thing it is another. For me the most beneficial thing was something very material and very simple. go away. pack my suitcase, and somewhere else, disappear, not talk to my family or friends in years. Never see a movie, never read novels, never smoke weed. . in short, flee from mental masturbation as if it were the devil. go to the real thing . the change of place, or continent if possible, does a kind of alchemy that helps you get out of the loop. I know this is a simplistic and prosaic advice but it has worked for me. the other option, to continue in the same line, is very dangerous. you have to act, mental changes are not enough (imo), you have to take charge and fight for your life as if it were a fight to the death (it is)

[lmfao]

47 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

I've been close to where you are. A hell.  you're smart, you know what's wrong with you, but it's impossible to get out. if it is not one thing it is another. For me the most beneficial thing was something very material and very simple. go away. pack my suitcase, and somewhere else, disappear, not talk to my family or friends in years. Never see a movie, never read novels, never smoke weed. . in short, flee from mental masturbation as if it were the devil. go to the real thing . the change of place, or continent if possible, does a kind of alchemy that helps you get out of the loop. I know this is a simplistic and prosaic advice but it has worked for me. the other option, to continue in the same line, is very dangerous. you have to act, mental changes are not enough (imo), you have to take charge and fight for your life as if it were a fight to the death (it is)

I took a while typing my topic post. I just spent ages in between just sitting here on my laptop whilst paying attention to my feeling. At least today and right now, for whatever reason, I'm in a semi-zone state from just concentrating on the feeling to see it with more and more precision. In this present moment I feel some temporary relief from my emotions whilst typing this post, now feeling a blank/neutral calmness with very little content. Probably little content due to exhaustion. But this is just of course just today, and my problem is the same. [Edit: by the end of typing this post, I'm not in zone state, just exhausted with a blank]
Don't know why I'm saying that. I suppose I said that all because after I was in a state of calmness, I went on to hug my family goodnight, but not at all does it feel a needy kind of love or attachment which is incompatible with me going off on my own like you're saying. 



Your approach of changing environment sounds nice or an interesting one. Going off on my own right now would just mean changing city and going back to my university city as I'm at home with fam right now (because of covid shit. But covid shit is easing soon). Even though it would be harder in the sense of more responsibilities and I haven't figured out my diet and energy problems, I might be going there in a month or so. Shopping and transportation might be harder there, but there's always online delivery and good planning/prepping. First I need to figure out wtf to do with food though generally, my health is really a strange mess. 

It really is a fight for your life in a sense. 

Edited March 26, 2021 by lmfao

[karkaore]

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

I feel like I have 100 different problems at once that it's hard to start anything. Too many things wrong at once. We can only do 1 thing at time, and even that I get distracted by or don't/can't carry out. It's like one massive neurotic chain where each element/link strengthens the whole. 
If I try to focus on 1 element, some random other element will boomerang and hit me on the back of the head, entering my mind and distracting me, pulling me down.

Distracted much? Get rid of these distractions. Replace activities that make you feel like shit (anything that makes you lazy, unworthy and empty) with activities that make you feel good. (things that make you feel strong, calm and give sense of accomplishment)

If you going to suffer, do it properly! Get yourself out of your way, do hard things that make your life easy.

 

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

Deep existential despair and depression, chronic anxiety both internally and whenever I go outside, constant nausea, volatile and unstable mood, anger, chronic fatigue, [ major DPDR with multiple discontinuities and blackouts in perception, self and past], autism, trouble being honest, managing relationships, triggered by other people.  Low motivation, youtube addiction, discord addiction, Netflix addiction, porn addiction, (Unmanaged things which are problems); large amounts of university work, spiritual work, health work, psychological work, life purpose work, diet. Severe insomnia and very abnormal sleep schedule, extremely intense nausea every time I eat anything, poor posture, headaches. Onslaught of negative feeling and emotion, reaching very down.

Good. Live and feel it all. Really FEEL it.
 

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

 I may have somewhat logical explanations for how things turned out this way, but the facts don't explain the depths of suffering being this deep.

Facts are what? Something objective, independent from you?

Is there a chance that the logic you are using for trying to explain things is the reason why anything needs to be explained at all?

 

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

Only thing which could save me now is a real miracle, complete paradigm shift, but I have no clue. At the very least I can stop pretending a few minor things maybe, in this moment. I have this one particular flavour of feeling brimming and filling my present moment, and it's very painful and negative. I have no words for how bad it feels. Even though it's painful, in some bizarre fashion there are milliseconds where it feels more neutral. A wave/dynamic nature to it which isn't completely bad. I don't understand what's going on, it's still painful. 
I keep trying and trying to distract myself, but it's just gonna remain here until I do something or face it? Sigh. Maybe I can get through this.................Just focus on this feeling.

This too shall pass.

Edited March 26, 2021 by karkaore

[Barbara]

I would start simple. 

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

youtube addiction, discord addiction, Netflix addiction

Do you have a bike? Or you can go on walks. Stay outside more. Leave your phone behind or change it for a flip phone or so. 

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

spiritual work, health work, psychological work, life purpose work, diet.

Don’t add this just because. You can function and solve your issues without these figured out for a while. 

1 hour ago, lmfao said:

Deep existential despair and depression, chronic anxiety both internally and whenever I go outside,

Now, anxiety and depression have the same root. Not being in the present moment, but rather thinking about the future and the past. And it’s ok, you don’t have to aim to resolve this at this very moment, just bare in mind that they are solved the same way. 

Most of the stuff you mention next sound like consequences of your psychological situation. I wouldn’t focus on them directly. They’ll get better with time. 

To warp up, move a little bit, and get out of the house! Connect with nature, walk your dog or your neighbors’. Feed the birds with bread in the park. Clean your bedroom, put everything you didn’t touch for the last 6 months in a box. Cook for yourself. Brush you teeth for 3 minutes. Take a warm bath before sleeping. Clear up your mind. Avoid intense stimuli like movies. And do your university work 2 hours a day for week. What I’m saying is to implement small habits that make you feel good or make the existent more intentional. 

Once you do this you’ll get better.

Be brave! Best of luck!

[mandyjw]

You just gotta start telling a different story. Turn around what you don't want to what you DO want. I remember before coming to this forum I started to think I had a horrible Facebook addiction. I'd go on there, not realizing what I was looking for. Conversation? I wasn't enjoying it much at all. I tried using blockers, it didn't work cause I have a business that requires Facebook. Then I came here, and had some amazingly productive, deep, engaging conversations. Then Facebook became a useful tool, and I never did anything to address the "addiction."

Stop beating up on yourself for the way things are. Just acknowledge how you want them to be and start finding inspiration to make small changes. I've done this in so many areas of my life from overeating to too much caffeine. The more I shame myself and guilt myself for an addiction the more I double down on it. The more I focus on the fun of feeling better, the more amazed I am at how quickly I can turn something around. 

It also helps to journal through it. Write down every miserable, shitty thought. Have a dry sick sense of humor with it all. It's really hard to focus on them and not start to see how funny it all is. 

Have you ever been really mad or really pissed off and then you just sort of noticed something, the sky or whatever, and you almost get angry because THAT thing is not ALSO angry and even you yourself seem still like it in a way, even though you really feel like to be true to yourself you should be angry? And you almost feel like you are being disloyal to yourself? No? Am I the only weird one? Well the nature of awareness is always just chill, so that's why it happens. It's always just... aware, just creating, just... a blank page. 

This all can turn on a DIME. Everything. It can, and you can get really good at making it turn around on a dime, and when you do, you'll be like "OH MY GOD, I just DID that!" And THAT is way more interesting than the improved situation or what the situation was before. You are infinitely powerful. Sometimes we start our stories out in real shitty places just for the magic of contrast, to prove to ourselves how amazing we really are. 

You have the power to throw your power away, THAT'S how powerful you really are. Funny, right? Rather than feeling you're failing, just marvel in the knowledge of that power that you can not, could not, ever lose. 

[Javfly33]

I think you should go to a doctor. Don't know how doctors are in your country, maybe try different type of doctors.

 

[lmfao]

Hello everyone, thanks for the replies. I've noted all the practical advice. Other than that I probably haven't too much to say right here, gonna be reflecting/journalling. My present experience is just full to the brim with a particular feeling I can't ignore, so I'm just preoccupied with being aware of that. 

[Nahm]

16 hours ago, lmfao said:

I haven't the faintest clue what it is and what caused it, but these past few weeks and months, I feel like I've been in hell psychologically and physically. I'm not sure if I've ever suffered this much in my life, not even half, even when I was suicidal 2-3 years ago. I don't think I'm suicidal rn. For whatever reasons I don't understand, I don't think I ever will/can go down that route, I genuinely can't see myself ever actually wanting or letting myself do something like that. Even if my hell multiplied. Never say never though! (only just a dark humour joke there) 

“My” hell denotes possession of, which is identification with, as in “this suffering is mine”. There are certain thoughts which are in discord with feeling, your true nature. By ‘listening’ I essentially mean focusing on.  In listening to feeling, the thought is let go and you feel better. In listening to the thoughts, more beliefs are created to label, cover and suppress feeling. The ‘answer’ is expression & understanding of how you feel, not identifying as the sufferer. If anyone else focused on the same thoughts, anyone else would experience the same discord. 

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I feel like I have 100 different problems at once that it's hard to start anything. Too many things wrong at once. We can only do 1 thing at time, and even that I get distracted by or don't/can't carry out. It's like one massive neurotic chain where each element/link strengthens the whole. 
If I try to focus on 1 element, some random other element will boomerang and hit me on the back of the head, entering my mind and distracting me, pulling me down.

We all share in common that we each experience one thought at a time (the finite mind, or lens). The term ‘thought attachment’ is often equated with the word belief and the word suffering, to denote how believing one thought, like ‘I have (possession) 100 different problems at once’. That is not one hundred problems at once, it is one thought...about having one hundred problems, being believed, and focused upon, even though it feels quite terrible. Imagine someone cutting their hand while telling someone how bad it hurts. What can someone say, but “... do something else”? What if one says “but I need an answer, I need to solve this cutting my hand!”. What would you tell someone in this situation? Eventually the pain would be such that, they would stop cutting their hand and focus elsewhere. 

Quote

Let me write down a list so as to give you a sense of what I mean: 

Deep existential despair and depression, chronic anxiety both internally and whenever I go outside, constant nausea, volatile and unstable mood, anger, chronic fatigue, [ major DPDR with multiple discontinuities and blackouts in perception, self and past], autism, trouble being honest, managing relationships, triggered by other people.  Low motivation, youtube addiction, discord addiction, Netflix addiction, porn addiction, (Unmanaged things which are problems); large amounts of university work, spiritual work, health work, psychological work, life purpose work, diet. Severe insomnia and very abnormal sleep schedule, extremely intense nausea every time I eat anything, poor posture, headaches. Onslaught of negative feeling and emotion, reaching very down. 

Contrary perhaps to popular belief, there is no actual direct experience of a thought, which is true, about you. One veils this from oneself by labeling feeling, such as “negative feeling”. That is a thought, not feeling. There is literally nothing negative about you, or reality, whatsoever. There is the belief that there is - and this is precisely why that belief feels terrible, because there isn’t. 

Quote

I feel locked. Like I'm a robber trapped in a matrix of red lasers or something. Or like I'm playing a complicated version of Twister but in Alice's Wonderland, where there is no certainty and rules, perspectives and objects contort on a dime, leaving me confused and tortured. And of course my ego dramatises it by wanting to call it hell, I can see that fact a little sometimes without pretending/forcing insight. But it feels like hell for sure! 
My life feels like one bad trip and one bad dream from this POV (I maybe intellectually have a faint knowledge that my emotions/present color my memory/past). I'm 20 now, and from this current POV I feel like I was goaded and strung along to this. Like this all happened to me out of nowhere. Put on a negative path before I knew what was happening. I may have somewhat logical explanations for how things turned out this way, but the facts don't explain the depths of suffering being this deep. 

If one focuses on stand up comedy for days on end, one will be laughing. If one focuses on horror movies for days on end, one will be scared. If one focuses on thought that don’t feel good for days on end, one will not feel good. It is always now, and focus is always free. You can change the channel. A dreamboard is an easy way to begin to consciously focus on what you do want, which is the same as saying, what feels good, to you, to think about. 

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Only thing which could save me now is a real miracle, complete paradigm shift, but I have no clue. At the very least I can stop pretending a few minor things maybe, in this moment. I have this one particular flavour of feeling brimming and filling my present moment, and it's very painful and negative. I have no words for how bad it feels. Even though it's painful, in some bizarre fashion there are milliseconds where it feels more neutral. A wave/dynamic nature to it which isn't completely bad. I don't understand what's going on, it's still painful. 
I keep trying and trying to distract myself, but it's just gonna remain here until I do something or face it? Sigh. Maybe I can get through this.................Just focus on this feeling. 


(Move this to Serious Emotional Problems if you want to, mods. But I prefer it here for the views)

Indeed. The miracle you’re looking for is focus. Don’t wait for finding it though, just note you’re already ‘using it’, and point it at what you want to create & experience. The paradigm shift would be no longer holding your hand on the hot stove (focusing on what you don’t like) and instead focusing on what you do like, which feels good, to you. “The only thing which could save me” is a thought. You are the awareness focusing on that thought. Attempt to point (with you finger) to who or what that thought is about. 

[Eternity]

@lmfaoI've been in your shoes and it was the worst time of my life.  It was like a very deep very dark hole and when I wanted to climb out I couldn't.  I literally had to will myself to get out of bed, like one foot at a time and then to sit up and then to try to think of what I was going to do next.  I managed to find some friends who would go walking with me and that was one way I got out of bed.  Anyway for me it was a PTSD thing.  I would wake up at night shaking all over at some god-awful sense of doom that wouldn't go away.  And all of the "what-ifs" that went on and on.  Eventually I went to the psych doctor and he gave me anti-depressants which helped me climb out.  But much later on I discovered Eckhardt Tolle through the Oprah Winfrey show and he is the best anxiety calmer I've ever experienced.  He slows down your racing thoughts and horrible doomed feeling by speaking slowly and explaining how to find peace and how the ego plays into your fears, and how to make that voice of doom go away through listening to Truth ("You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall make you free").  He has lots of videos on you tube addressing anxiety and depression.  Listen to them and watch until you feel you are calmed down.  My brother-in-law is a psychologist and he says it's about burning a different neurological pathway in the brain that doesn't default to worry, depression and anxiety.  This I have found to be true.

[VeganAwake]

24 minutes ago, Eternity said:

@lmfaoI've been in your shoes and it was the worst time of my life.  It was like a very deep very dark hole and when I wanted to climb out I couldn't.  I literally had to will myself to get out of bed, like one foot at a time and then to sit up and then to try to think of what I was going to do next.  I managed to find some friends who would go walking with me and that was one way I got out of bed.  Anyway for me it was a PTSD thing.  I would wake up at night shaking all over at some god-awful sense of doom that wouldn't go away.  And all of the "what-ifs" that went on and on.  Eventually I went to the psych doctor and he gave me anti-depressants which helped me climb out.  But much later on I discovered Eckhardt Tolle through the Oprah Winfrey show and he is the best anxiety calmer I've ever experienced.  He slows down your racing thoughts and horrible doomed feeling by speaking slowly and explaining how to find peace and how the ego plays into your fears, and how to make that voice of doom go away through listening to Truth ("You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall make you free").  He has lots of videos on you tube addressing anxiety and depression.  Listen to them and watch until you feel you are calmed down.  My brother-in-law is a psychologist and he says it's about burning a different neurological pathway in the brain that doesn't default to worry, depression and anxiety.  This I have found to be true.

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