Are you the 2nd Choice in Polyamorous Relationship?

[Elevated]

25 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

You don't understand. What you understand under a value system is a distinction between polarities like good and bad. Which is nothing more than a set of beliefes. I meant just a feeling about what I want and what not. Not everybody wants the same things. If this would be the case, there would be no dual creation. As I told you, I don't care about who you fuck. I don't judge it, why should I? I have better things to do.

You are stuck in this self-improvement cycle, because you think that you are not complete.

This is another great example of how we are using the same words but talking about something different. It seems to me that you are perceiving my use of the phrase, "value system," as if it were a Stage Blue conception of value systems. I am not using value systems in that way. I have a value system that informs how I act in the world. For example, it prioritizes eating healthy food over junk food. This does not mean that I believe that eating junk food is "bad" as in "evil," or "sinful." I see the consequences of eating junk food on my health, my brain, and my body, and my value system informs me that this isn't conducive to living the lifestyle that I want. Updating my value system would change how I act in this regard, and likely how I felt about junk food. 

I am fully aware though, that my value system is relative. I know that my value system is a construct that exists only within my mind. However, I cannot escape the fact that I have a value system. Qualitative judgements are an inescapable feature of being human. Knowing that I cannot escape them, and knowing that my value system is relative to my own mind, I know that I should not impose my value system on another without the utmost necessity (imprisoning a murderer is imposing my value system on them). I do not view anyone else's value system as good or bad (in my best moments, which happen with increasing frequency and upwardness, as happens with self-improvement). 

I am not saying that you are judging my actions. I am saying that it doesn't appear to me that you understand how my value system allows me to navigate my sexuality the way that I do. As you said, you do not buy it. I'm explaining to you that my value system and other maps of reality that I possess, as relative and constructed as they are, allows me to navigate my sexual reality in ways that are conducive to the lifestyle I want to live.

You have a different value system, which informs your lifestyle and your emotions which in turn feed back into your value system. You are entitled to it and that's awesome. 

As for your comments about self-improvement. I do not see the changes that I believe that I must make as a reflection of my inherent inadequacy, more or less as I am not a perfectly enlightened being. The changes I make are only necessary insofar as they increase my ability to navigate the lifestyle that I seek to have. When I self-improve it is not to fix a problem within me, it is to help me navigate reality better. If you believe that wanting to get better at navigating reality means that I hate myself, I disagree. I have certain goals that I would like to achieve in my life, certain experiences that I would like to have, and so I am doing what I need to do to make those things happen. That doesn't mean I hate who I currently am. In fact, it is partly because I accept who I currently am that I see that I currently am not what I need to be to actualize those goals and experiences.

If I were to change who I am, to change this construct that believes itself to be me, is that an act of self-hatred? Or an act of self-love? I see a better future for myself and so I seek to go toward it. Fulfilling my desires is not an act of self-hatred, nor is it a betrayal of self-acceptance. I am as accepting as I currently am and I actively practice self-love for who I currently am. That doesn't mean that I cannot change so that I have a better map that allows me to better navigate the reality I wish to inhabit. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Elevated

[intotheblack]

22 minutes ago, Elevated said:

This is why I love looking at the stages of Spiral Dynamics as maps of reality.

In tribal society the life conditions were such that unplanned pregnancy wasn't a huge issue. You had the entire tribe to raise the child. It wasn't until the issue of inheritance private property and power became an issue that people began to need a more rigid map for the sexual reality. You couldn't have wanton sex because you needed to prove that your rightful heir deserved your wealth and possessions. Having illegitimate heirs would mess that up. So, an institution like marriage needed to come into being to ensure that the inheritance went to the right person. 

With the pill and the subsequent sexual revolution, we were in need of a new map to navigate this more complex sexual reality. It takes a developed person along the Spiral, who has integrated the previous stages adequately, to have an adequate map to explore this reality. It took me a long time to get to where I am and I still have a lot of progress to make, but moving into Stage Green has really helped me with it

Yeah exactly.  We have to realise that humans at tribe level were also deeply unconscious. There is no point to compare humans now to how humans were back then.  Like when people say that tribesman used to hunt and eat meat, so that means that we have to do that.  Even though the reality now is totally different.  We have to move with the times.
Marriage has been moving full circle... first there was no marriage > then everyone was getting married > now it’s going back to people not getting married. 
as people move up the spiral they will move towards more intimacy based relationships.  There will still be sex but it goes meta.  Who knows if the future of relationships will be true poly, I don’t know.  First we are going to see people having stronger intimate relationships where they grow together, and if they outgrow each other eventually they will remain friends.  An example would be when parents get divorced and have new partners, but they still all hang out together and bring up the children as 2 families.  Many people couldn’t imagine this because they are still in a place of fear. 

 

57 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

Makes absolutely sense. I always was wondering whats the point about casual or meaningless sex and why people put so much value in just fucking which seemed to me like they running away from something. Thanks :-)

People just no longer know how to relate to eachother.. Chasing lots of sex is a way to try and get intimacy without having real intimacy.
relationships like this are unsustainable especially for the woman, which is why there is a lot of hopping from woman to woman.  
the woman might hang around for a while out of feelings of insecurity or having some fun, but as soon as she meets someone else who will fulfil her emotional needs she will leave no questions asked. 
If you are in a loving relationship with lots of intimacy and affection then the need for sex diminishes. 
If you are in a relationship without intimacy, the more likely you will be to cheat. 
It’s just that the fear of opening up to another is so great that people don’t do it.  This will change in the future though with conscious parenting and more spiritual education.  
there is a lot of damage to undo.  Men also want intimacy deep down, but this is seen as something weak so it’s been suppressed by them.  

I remember Leo saying in one of his videos one time that anything anyone ever does is an action out of fear or out of love.   
It’s a good question to ask oneself. 
Am I doing this out of fear ? Or out of love?