Painful sense of urgency

[tatsumaru]

For the last 10 years or so I've lived with this painful sense of urgency. It's like this constant awareness that my short life will be over soon and there's something critical that I need to accomplish before that or else my mission here would have been a failure. I don't know what that something is, maybe it's enlightenment, or a specific experience or some sort of realization about the nature of reality or maybe I just need to prove to myself that I am not a loser. Regardless I've been mostly unable to relax because of this feeling and have had to rely on substances like weed or just watching TV shows in order to be able to slow down a little bit. There is a Buddhist story about Naropa and Tilopa called Tilopa's shoe. Basically it's about Naropa doing an evil deed out of spite and then a dakini appears in front of him and tells him that unless he finds Tilopa and achieves enlightenment, he will not be able to avoid the karma of his bad deed and he will be doomed. So he becomes incredibly anxious and starts looking for this Tilopa everywhere. Finally he finds Tilopa and after a long and excruciating set of lessons he finally becomes realized. So I feel a little bit like this Naropa guy - that if I don't find this in time I am doomed. That if I don't wake up or create my soul in time I am doomed. There are all kinds of negative consequences of that because when you believe something like that everyone else who is not on a journey like this seems like an alien to you. You see some village people peacefully tending to their garden and you think to yourself - look at these simpletons they've never even read one book and have no clue about spirituality. They are clueless and doomed. Also I've noticed that this feeling makes me take life too seriously and I've lost my ability to joke and enjoy the present. It's always do or die. It's always "I will relax when I am done.". So I want to understand what this feeling is and where it comes from. Obviously this is some sort of "destination-type" thinking rather than enjoying the journey, but that realization alone is not enough to transcend it or understand it. What is this sense of urgency, what is this calling?
This is the quote that I resonate most with in regards to this situation: "Blessed is he who has a soul, blessed is he who has none, but woe and grief to him who has it in embryo." - Gurdjieff.

P.S.
Or as one spiritual teacher suggested it could simply be an issue of not having enough sex...

Edited March 24, 2021 by tatsumaru

[mandyjw]

Read the The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle? 

[tatsumaru]

32 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Read the The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle? 

Eckhart Tolle was somewhat helpful on my journey and I even bought the book for my mom afterwards. However the method of Eckhart Tolle is somewhat like a meditation in that you don't get any clarity or answers out of it, just a tool to relax, which isn't nothing, but I don't feel like it is the answer for me. I seek understanding, wisdom, and clarity more than I seek psychological survival.

Edited March 24, 2021 by tatsumaru

[mandyjw]

What do you want to discover or achieve if not for the permission to relax?

You are seeking what you already have. You are your own permission. You have so much freedom and permission to relax that you can color over it with a sense of urgency to do something. if you're going to do something, do what you enjoy, do what inspires you. Don't do something because you think if you do it, you'll finally get to relax. Cause you might as well just relax now. 

You can't seek understanding and find it while still in seeking mode because understanding is the end of asking or seeking. You ask and then allow the answer to come in, by dropping the question. Knowing and non-knowing are the same.  You cannot learn anything that you believe you already know, the action of learning and the state of curiosity, is one of relaxation and heightened awareness. Rather than a need to know, it is the openness TO the wisdom itself, and therefore it is one and the same. 

[Nahm]

Awareness is curative. Be willing to be aware of your own thoughts of judgement. Likely stems from an unresolved sentiment towards someone. Relaxation is the wisdom you seek, and this is why you’re never finding it... you’re preoccupied with judging yourself and others. 

“I’m a loser” doesn’t feel off because it’s true and you need to do or prove something. It feels off because it’s not true. It’s just opinion, judgement. 

In the Bible, God put a flaming sword (sword=truth, of, flaming=suffering) in front of the tree of the “knowledge” (the illusion of duality ‘in’ thoughts) of good & bad (judgement) pointing to the tree of life (focusing on creating what you desire to experience). 

Seems like good advice to me.

Don’t judge this book by it’s cover. Give it a watch.  ....

https://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-exploit-people-to-grow-yourself

Pain is a ‘physical’ sensation that you can point to on the body. Suffering is focusing on the same thoughts of discord over and over, aka, a belief. 

[IAmReallyImportant]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

Awareness is curative. Be willing to be aware of your own thoughts of judgement. Likely stems from an unresolved sentiment towards someone. Relaxation is the wisdom you seek, and this is why you’re never finding it... you’re preoccupied with judging yourself and others. 

“I’m a loser” doesn’t feel off because it’s true and you need to do or prove something. It feels off because it’s not true. It’s just opinion, judgement. 

In the Bible, God put a flaming sword (sword=truth, of, flaming=suffering) in front of the tree of the “knowledge” (the illusion of duality ‘in’ thoughts) of good & bad (judgement) pointing to the tree of life (focusing on creating what you desire to experience). 

Seems like good advice to me.

Don’t judge this book by it’s cover. Give it a watch.  ....

https://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-exploit-people-to-grow-yourself

Pain is a ‘physical’ sensation that you can point to on the body. Suffering is focusing on the same thoughts of discord over and over, aka, a belief. 

As I suffer from the exact same thing, 

I have a question regarding
https://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-exploit-people-to-grow-yourself

It seems if one uses that technique, one now thinks more as before and in addition thoughts related to a self-image. Moreover, it has this "more woke than you" mentality, but you said that you think everyone is parallel. Also all this stuff of being "more developed" is critical, because development one cannot really measure and thus is drawn towards self-bias. And the ego always likes to be better than another one. That is why the most egotistic people are often times "spiritual" people, because it is the easiest way to make up things to feel better than someone else.

All the other stuff I find great.

 

[GreenLight]

Heaven yeah this seems relatable. Had the same anxious urgency for 2-3 year. Searched for a cure to my suffering and one day i just completely gave up and BANG! Total samadhi and into this white blissful  ectasic heaven state for over a day.

And now i just waiting peacefully for my deathbed (lol, no i am not)

You'll probably will have a strong or dramatic awakening and experience alot of suffering until then. When it happens, no one knows. Good luck.

Edited March 24, 2021 by GreenLight
Changed one naughty word for heaven

[Nahm]

@IAmReallyImportant

Point taken. ?? 

[tatsumaru]

I have been told by spiritual masters that the greatest wisdom and enlightenment is accessible not by seeking it but through a complete surrender of all hopes, ideas, beliefs and even the senses. I've been reflecting on the following quotes for the last 10 years to no avail:

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you” -Lao Tzu.

Darryl Anka (Bashar) said, “There are many definitions regarding the word “surrender.” Many label this as a loss of some sort or a lack of control of some sort…and this is not the case. Surrender is actually the acceptance of your total self. It is not in that sense the forsaking of your total self as many of you have been led to believe through the definitions that your world has provided you with. Definitions such as those only serve to limit you. Surrender is the letting go of the concept of who you think you’re supposed to be and actually being who you are because who you are is unlimited possibilities. When you allow yourself to surrender all ideas, all hopes, then the physical reality which is only a mirror can then reflect those unlimited possibilities back to you.”

“As long as your shallow worldly ambitions exist (aka: hopes, beliefs, attachments to traditions, the seeking of energy) the door will not open”- Lao Tzu.

I just can't seem to realize what's the point of being alive if my participation in life is not needed. If everything is perfect as it is what's the point of evolution and learning or even spirituality? To simply sit and watch the trees until you run out of food and die - I don't understand it. How can I completely surrender and let go of goals and hopes but also seek to benefit humankind and develop myself? How can I surrender my expectations when I know that I am surrendering in order to transcend the ego - that's already a goal. What's the point of my true nature being unlimited possibilities if all desire to express myself is a distraction. If nothing is lacking then why am I not aware of my light, surely at least this awareness is lacking. I don't know something feels off with that last step that is required to penetrate the veil and directly experience truth. It's like you have to commit psychological suicide on the off-chance that something might come of it. But then that's already hope/belief so again back to square 1. At the very least I enjoy this world and want to play with it, I don't want to be some miserable yogi in a cave who renounced everything because some doctrine said something about it. What's the point of being human if all of our senses are an impediment to waking up. What's the point of this world, this life if its only purpose is to be an illusion, a prison for our minds. I am fucking tired of these games. I am so frustrated. I am tired of this burden and seeking this secret door that never opens...

Edited March 25, 2021 by tatsumaru

[IAmReallyImportant]

@tatsumaruFirst of all, I find your style of writing amazing. Seems like you gained much substance doing your stuff.

My approach to this issue is to become a total materialist in order to let the desire for absoluteness disappear and later to go deeper with it again. Because, I know I am someone who wants to create gigantic things.