What is a good age to settle down for a guy?

[Tangerinedream]

5 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

 

What I really want, is to settle down one day, preferable find someone who is stage yellow. I'm not fully stage yellow so I really need to work hard but my current solitude is dragging me down.

see, searching for a perfect person.  Everyone is trying to find the right person, but nobody is trying to be the right person. 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Tangerinedream

[Tangerinedream]

3 minutes ago, flowboy said:

In fact, there have been threads made where people ask "where to find conscious partners" and it turns out, only Leo knows the right hunting spots for that, and he's not willing to share

The way I see it is you find a conscious partner by going through emotional hell, fall in to the pits of despair because you looked so hard at yourself. 
then get out in the real world, travel and live your life and the universe will bless you with your equal... which by this point you won’t even be searching they will just show up, and probably in the form of someone you never expected.  

[Tangerinedream]

There should be no image in your mind of what you want the person to look like.  Only think about traits and how loving they will be.  When picturing who you want to meet, picture no face and no age.  Only energies.  
It’s like trying to see someone’s face in a dream.  Do the hard emotional labour and you will meet your dream girl eventually ❤️  

[StarStruck]

34 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to be perfect before you can start dating.

Also, if it's not lasting forever, that's okay. It's good, even crucial I'd say, to have some relationship practice before you start the one you want to have the family with. Because you will get to know yourself in ways that you really can't, in solitude. Relationships bring up deep shit that you can then resolve. It wouldn't have come out in solitude. Your partner will trigger you like no one else. And that's a good thing.

I can recommend to listen to some good podcasts on relationships, like some Aubrey Marcus podcast, and Kat & Tully.

Relationships can be catalysts for growth. Just find someone who is also into evolving themselves and personal development. And you can grow together.

And those are not easy to find.

In fact, there have been threads made where people ask "where to find conscious partners" and it turns out, only Leo knows the right hunting spots for that, and he's not willing to share.

Last year I have been so much in solitude that I have been dissociating from life. I think it comes from not interacting with people a lot and living in my head. 

The only way is to seek interactions but with the lockdown in Europe that is a hard task. 

I think the lockdown will last another 3 months. I'm fully putting all my time and energy into myself for those 3 months and after that I will see.  

Currently not even aiming at stage yellow girls. I'm a very passive person so I need to work that. Probably just going to start with stage red-blue-yellow girls just to get the notches on my belt. 

[flowboy]

29 minutes ago, Tangerinedream said:

The way I see it is you find a conscious partner by going through emotional hell, fall in to the pits of despair because you looked so hard at yourself. 
then get out in the real world, travel and live your life and the universe will bless you with your equal... which by this point you won’t even be searching they will just show up, and probably in the form of someone you never expected.  

I can confirm this is true

[Tangerinedream]

1 minute ago, StarStruck said:

Last year I have been so much in solitude that I have been dissociating from life. I think it comes from not interacting with people a lot and living in my head. 

The only way is to seek interactions but with the lockdown in Europe that is a hard task. 

I think the lockdown will last another 3 months. I'm fully putting all my time and energy into myself for those 3 months and after that I will see. 

I’m sorry you are going through this and feeling isolated.  Do you have some friends you can connect with? I am also in Europe and the lockdown is never ending, hopefully things will get better as summer approaches.  

[flowboy]

11 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Probably just going to start with stage red-blue-yellow girls

I don't even know what that means but you're way overthinking this. Let go of these labels and just feel whether someone resonates with you.

11 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

The only way is to seek interactions but with the lockdown in Europe that is a hard task. 

I live in Europe. Lockdown has been going on for a while now. I've had two relationships in it already.

By the way, I'm an introvert.

In my country, people still go on walks. So I talked to a girl while walking in the park, and dated her for a couple of months. She's a good friend now.

They also still go outside and bike to the store. So I talked to a girl while she was unlocking her bike, and dated her for 6 months.

What exactly is so hard?

Edited March 23, 2021 by flowboy

[StarStruck]

1 minute ago, Tangerinedream said:

I’m sorry you are going through this and feeling isolated.  Do you have some friends you can connect with? I am also in Europe and the lockdown is never ending, hopefully things will get better as summer approaches.  

I have some friends but none of them are close friends. They live too far and I'm emotionally distant. 

 

26 minutes ago, Tangerinedream said:

There should be no image in your mind of what you want the person to look like.  Only think about traits and how loving they will be.  When picturing who you want to meet, picture no face and no age.  Only energies.  
It’s like trying to see someone’s face in a dream.  Do the hard emotional labour and you will meet your dream girl eventually ❤️  

Good advice. Material world is Maya. There is only energy. 

[Tangerinedream]

43 minutes ago, flowboy said:

to have some relationship practice before you start the one you want to have the family with. Because you will get to know yourself in ways that you really can't, in solitude. Relationships bring up deep shit that you can then resolve. It wouldn't have come out in solitude. Your partner will trigger you like no one else. And that's a good thing.

100% agree.  It was through my most toxic relationships that I was forced to face myself. It was easier for me to blame the other person, but I was just as much to blame.  Doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship can also be a friendship that triggers you.  
One of my best girl friends and I, had many arguments in the beginning.  She would confront me and I would defend myself In return.  Her issue was needing to control everything, my issue was being closed off and avoidant.  This would create a clash.  We worked through it and came out as stronger friends because of it.  

[StarStruck]

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I don't even know what that means but you're way overthinking this. Let go of these labels and just feel whether someone resonates with you.

I live in Europe. Lockdown has been going on for a while now. I've had two relationships in it already.

By the way, I'm an introvert.

In my country, people still go on walks. So I talked to a girl while walking in the park, and dated her for a couple of months. She's a good friend now.

They also still go outside and bike to the store. So I talked to a girl while she was unlocking her bike, and dated her for 6 months.

What exactly is so hard?

I don't approach a lot. For me it either has to happen spontaneously or it is not happening. As I said I'm very passive and I expect the girl to give me signs or do something.

I did approach a girl couple of months ago, and we talked like 15 minutes, we exchanged numbers and she said she has a bf. So I got sad about that (because she was very cute) and dwelled about that for a while. I know it is stupid but that is how I'm.

Tinder has destroyed my self-esteem. I don't get a lot of matches on that app and I developed the selfimage that I'm unworthy.

[flowboy]

1 minute ago, StarStruck said:

I don't approach a lot. For me it either has to happen spontaneously or it is not happening. As I said I'm very passive and I expect the girl to give me signs or do something.

I did approach a girl couple of months ago, and we talked like 15 minutes, we exchanged numbers and she said she has a bf. So I got sad about that (because she was very cute) and dwelled about that for a while. I know it is stupid but that is how I'm.

Tinder has destroyed my self-esteem. I don't get a lot of matches on that app and I developed the selfimage that I'm unworthy.

I don't approach a lot either. I think I approached about once every couple months. What I did was when I felt a strong sense that this was a perfect opportunity, and I'd regret it if I didn't take it, I would just push myself to do it.

I think we've gotten to the root of the issue here though.

You have let this thing defeat you and are playing victim to it.

As long as you say "that's how I am", then that's all you can ever be. You are limiting yourself.

Oh Tinder has destroyed your self esteem has it? Bad, bad Tinder. Nothing you can do about that, right?

I say this with love but you are being a victim and need to take steps to fix your self esteem.

Obsessing over the right age or the right Spiral Dynamics stage is not bringing you any closer to the situation you desire.

Time to pull out the old classic.

Don't think "yeah yeah, I know". Just watch it again. I do it periodically, to give myself a victim check-up.

 

[Tangerinedream]

@flowboy @StarStruck  I can see how it might be more difficult during the lockdown, especially when it’s freezing cold and people are wearing masks.  This will change as it gets warmer so more people will be hanging around outside.  It comes down to having confidence to talk to somebody.  I can understand it’s hard for single people right now. 
Starstruck, forget tinder, it’s really shallow and messes with people’s self esteem, same as Instagram.  Maybe focus on making some new friends who you can hang out with, rather than just dating.  Maybe join a fitness group or something? People are doing fitness groups outside during the lockdown. 

[StarStruck]

@Tangerinedream  I'm not good in making friends. Before the lockdown I was going to the gym 3-4 times per week and I made some acquaintances but the relationships don't develop into friendships. I'm very unconscious about this topic. Probably @flowboy  is right. I do have a victim mindset and I'm working on it with David Hawkins level's of energy. I will rewatch that episode.

People tell me I'm thinking too much, or more precisely, I'm thinking in a lower level of consciousness. I can't really help it though. I'm doing my best. I didn't have a nice childhood. Socially I'm a savvy person but I think I just have the wrong mindset.

In the past my victim mindset was worse. Much worse. I worked on it for a couple of months last year and I got some benefits from that but I guess I need to go back to it.

[Consept]

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

I just want my progress to go faster because time is going so fast. I'm 32 and I want to start dating but first I need to clean up my mental bandwidth as you said.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying dont date, it is important to date and get that experience, but I'm saying don't date just to specifically find a wife that will help you with loneliness. 

Date to enjoy it, to learn about someone new, to have good and bad experiences, basically dont put any expectations on it, just have fun, life is not so serious. The more you date the more you realise what you like and don't like and then these will inform your decisions on whether you even want to go married and if you do to which type of person. 

It's great you're doing therapy and reading but it should also be balanced out with practical experience. 

[StarStruck]

18 minutes ago, Consept said:

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying dont date, it is important to date and get that experience, but I'm saying don't date just to specifically find a wife that will help you with loneliness. 

Date to enjoy it, to learn about someone new, to have good and bad experiences, basically dont put any expectations on it, just have fun, life is not so serious. The more you date the more you realise what you like and don't like and then these will inform your decisions on whether you even want to go married and if you do to which type of person. 

 

I think you are right. I'm always forgetting it is just play. I always take it too serious. To some degree I do get why I'm like this and I'm trying to show compassion towards my behavior and that is the first step to escape my mental prison in the form of my mindset.

Quote

It's great you're doing therapy and reading but it should also be balanced out with practical experience. 

 I'm aware of the balance between theory and practice. At the same time I'm also not trying to do a lot at the same time. I'm focusing on healing childhood trauma and improving productivity; and that already takes a lot of mental bandwidth.  Developing relationships is more on the backburner tbh.

[Tangerinedream]

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

I'm not good in making friends. Before the lockdown I was going to the gym 3-4 times per week and I made some acquaintances but the relationships don't develop into friendships.

Hmm yes I’m the same tbh.  I find these days it’s hard to form friendships, because they need just as much connection really.  I found people to be very flakey, not commit to plans.  It would make it very difficult to form a friendship with someone when they can’t make a plan with you 2 weeks into the future! 
Luckily I am quite close with my 2 sisters, we talk all the time.  Then I have 2 good friends.  
friendships take effort and time to build, and both people have to do it.  Most people don’t want to make effort.  

[At awe]

9 hours ago, Tangerinedream said:

The way I see it is you find a conscious partner by going through emotional hell, fall in to the pits of despair because you looked so hard at yourself. 
then get out in the real world, travel and live your life and the universe will bless you with your equal... which by this point you won’t even be searching they will just show up, and probably in the form of someone you never expected.  

Yes, beautiful!??

[zeroISinfinity]

@Tangerinedream

Universe and concious partner. GD. 

Literally was selected by her because I match all of her's selfish interests. Everything else is just pretend game. I am ok with that no need for spiritual narrative because it is just not true. 

Jesus Christ. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Romantic love outmost conditional thing there is. Which is perfectly fine. 

You wouldn't cry so much after break up if it wasn't?! 

Edited March 23, 2021 by zeroISinfinity

[Byun Sean]

Doesn't it depend on finances more than biological age?