Instead of seeking validation, check if you like them in the first place

[Jacob Morres]

Great video on this topic. 

[Arcangelo]

^I consider this to be cherry capsule content

[Jacob Morres]

2 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

^I consider this to be cherry capsule content

whats that? like top quality?

[Origins]

@Jacob Morres Don't need to watch video at all and I have no intention to.

This is all the advice you need.

Relationships of all kind are solely about connection.

Remove everything that harms connection (i.e. seeking validation) and you'll be on the right path.

You're just looking for the correct direction for a sense of safety, I've just given it to you which this person likely hasn't done.

This path will simultaneously help you overcome insecurities like seeking validation while also moving at your own pace in healing from them because you won't be connecting beyond what you can do beyond your emotional wounds and you be under doing it by trying to "avoid seeking validation", no, the process of avoiding things happens automatically by going after what you should be doing, seeking connection. 

Connections can mean many things, I have a completely different connection with the people that serve me hot chocolate in the morning compared to anyone that I may have a romantic interest in to my parents, siblings including variation of connection therein as well (not all siblings were created equal of course). 

Why does this simple one step formula work so well? Because that's all you need to do with life to live it well.

Learning to connect with it. Do you think at the end of your life if you learned to truly develop the best possible connection you could with it you'd be disappointed? Of course not. Now get to it and stop wasting your time watching cranks, gurus, wannabes and just people in general that pretend to know what they're talking about but don't.

Start simple. Type/Write a list out, two columns, for anything about life including relationships, what increases connection and what decreases connection and then apply the former intelligently from there depending on the type and other qualities of the connection.

Best.

[Origins]

58 minutes ago, Origins said:

@Jacob Morres Don't need to watch video at all and I have no intention to.

This is all the advice you need.

Relationships of all kind are solely about connection.

Remove everything that harms connection (i.e. seeking validation) and you'll be on the right path.

You're just looking for the correct direction for a sense of safety, I've just given it to you which this person likely hasn't done.

This path will simultaneously help you overcome insecurities like seeking validation while also moving at your own pace in healing from them because you won't be connecting beyond what you can do beyond your emotional wounds and you be under doing it by trying to "avoid seeking validation", no, the process of avoiding things happens automatically by going after what you should be doing, seeking connection. 

Connections can mean many things, I have a completely different connection with the people that serve me hot chocolate in the morning compared to anyone that I may have a romantic interest in to my parents, siblings including variation of connection therein as well (not all siblings were created equal of course). 

Why does this simple one step formula work so well? Because that's all you need to do with life to live it well.

Learning to connect with it. Do you think at the end of your life if you learned to truly develop the best possible connection you could with it you'd be disappointed? Of course not. Now get to it and stop wasting your time watching cranks, gurus, wannabes and just people in general that pretend to know what they're talking about but don't.

Start simple. Type/Write a list out, two columns, for anything about life including relationships, what increases connection and what decreases connection and then apply the former intelligently from there depending on the type and other qualities of the connection.

Best.

On attention: Another thing mate, you don't want to be looking for anything other than connection in any of your interactions, ANY of them. Attention is a kind of validation, so if you're JUST looking for attention or attention plus that's (1) the precise moment in which you're enabling unhealthy behaviours to continue (2) the precise moment in which you want to cut off that interaction at least from yourself until you're ready to genuinely connect with the situation.

It's a very important rule of thumb to follow, you don't want anything to do with any kind of interaction that isn't to do with connection, the moment you sense you're just looking for attention that's when you need to jump straight into whatever techniques you learn to deal with that, that's how you learn to truly express the person that you are underneath and in doing so, connect wherever connection was ever going to be possible.

[universe]

@Origins & @Jacob Morres I think you two would connect better if each of you saw that video 

[Preety_India]

@Origins isn't fulfilling needs an important part of connection. 

Isn't attention also a need or else it's called neglect? 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't think attention should be demonized the way its done in modern culture. 

[Origins]

@Preety_India people who seek attention don’t value the other person really it’s a shallow interaction. People who seek connection get the attention implicitly and through genuine authentic means however the dice rolls they don’t have to regret anything.

[Preety_India]

@Origins but in general context, how far is attention seeking a bad thing? I really don't see a problem with it unless it's being done in unhealthy toxic ways. There's always a healthy dose of attention that everyone craves for just food, air and everything else. 

Seeking validation is also the same thing. 

I think these things are pretty trivial in a smaller context and only toxic or dangerous when they begin to cross a line. 

We are all subconsciously craving for validation and attention, we just don't admit to it. 

 

[saif2]

@Preety_India I agree. usually what attracts attention is radiance, women know when they are radiating. ken wilber talked about this in one of his books 

There is egocentric radiance, where a woman radiates for herself not caring about others, maybe kinda like Regina George vibe

There is ethnocentric radiation, where a woman offers radiates her beauty to her group

and world centric where the woman radiates to the world 

[Origins]

9 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Origins but in general context, how far is attention seeking a bad thing? I really don't see a problem with it unless it's being done in unhealthy toxic ways. There's always a healthy dose of attention that everyone craves for just food, air and everything else. 

Seeking validation is also the same thing. 

I think these things are pretty trivial in a smaller context and only toxic or dangerous when they begin to cross a line. 

We are all subconsciously craving for validation and attention, we just don't admit to it. 

 

We are all... is this not a generalisation to use imaginary social support, aka attention, to validate ones own position? Here you’re using imaginary attention to justify attention seeking, or is an angle of viewing it.

How well are you able to believe something that goes against the crowd? Or anyone? Self belief is correlated with less of a need for attention, the true kind, because you’re not looking for any approval. 

Maybe I’ll draw a venn diagram.

Attention is either something that should have been satisfied when someone was a child or is something they heal in adulthood. It’s really that simple, we live in an age of extremely unhealthy attention seeking behaviours because of how poor people’s upbringings were and social conditioning is.

It’s the simple byproduct of maturity, as an “adult” as we’ve framed it as we both are, the adult thing is to now only be seeking connection otherwise to the extent we are attention seeking we’re no longer considered truly adults as we’re regressing back into more infantile psychological states. This is true. It’s really this straight forward, you’re probably just used to seeing so many childish attention seeking adults that you see it as normal. 

Connection, not attention. 

Because who is really the other person when you’re getting that attention? They’re no body, you’re likely selfish, all you really care about in that moment is receiving the attention not the other person. They’re just the feel good chemical provider.

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by Origins

[Barbara]

@Origins Dude, always feel like I could read an entire book on what you have to say.  But it's even cooler to see that you encourage us to get our own experience. Thanks for your golden input

[Preety_India]

@Origins  I don't think that attention or craving for attention is always a sign of selfishness. 

Sometimes wanting attention is a sign of a deeper problem, maybe it's a scream for help, that manifests itself as attention seeking behavior. 

Although I claim to be no expert on psychology, I don't want to be very casually dismissive and only offer one dimension to a certain human behavior. 

Human behavior can be very complex and the same behavior can have different root causes and purposes. 

For example we as a general culture are quick to judge those who take selfies as narcissistic people. However when I did a deep research on narcissism, I realized that narcissism was a whole gamut of traits and self aggrandizing behavior was merely one aspect of it and people had blown this aspect out of proportion and missed out on the real deal. People tend to focus more on the sensationalist factors. 

It's as though if people were told to describe the Wild West, they would easily conjure up images of a man with leather boots and a gun in his hands. The thing is people tend to rely  too much on stereotypes and miss out on finer details that make up the story. So the wild West was also about scarcity, challenges of living, lack of trust among people etc. 

The deeper aspects are usually cast aside in favor of the most sensationalist explanation to a situation that feeds the human appetite for a dramatic story. 

There are deeper reasons as to why a person might be acting the way they do and might have less to do with real attention seeking and more to do with wanting help. And seeking help is not selfish at all. 

The kind of mind that is needed to understand complex human behavior is either a psychologist who is quite experienced or some sort of a sociopath who has a weird form or empathy towards generally unacceptable or socially condemned behavior or is less resistant to judgement because of him having been the victim of social judgement himself. 

It's like if the drug addict is ostracized in society for being a drug addict and nobody tries to understand why he is a drug addict, but a murderer understands him better because he can understand the troubles and miseries of a persecuted person (him being persecuted for being a murderer) and he has a bit of empathy since he is not in a morally superior position to judge, so judgement gets replaced by empathy towards someone who is considered a serious offender by society yet not such a serious offender in the eyes of a murderer 

 

I guess a very multi dimensional character is the only one who can understand complex human behavior by applying appropriate rationale and without judgement. 

 

 

 

[Origins]

11 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Origins  I don't think that attention or craving for attention is always a sign of selfishness. 

Sometimes wanting attention is a sign of a deeper problem, maybe it's a scream for help, that manifests itself as attention seeking behavior. 

Although I claim to be no expert on psychology, I don't want to be very casually dismissive and only offer one dimension to a certain human behavior. 

Human behavior can be very complex and the same behavior can have different root causes and purposes. 

For example we as a general culture are quick to judge those who take selfies as narcissistic people. However when I did a deep research on narcissism, I realized that narcissism was a whole gamut of traits and self aggrandizing behavior was merely one aspect of it and people had blown this aspect out of proportion and missed out on the real deal. People tend to focus more on the sensationalist factors. 

It's as though if people were told to describe the Wild West, they would easily conjure up images of a man with leather boots and a gun in his hands. The thing is people tend to rely  too much on stereotypes and miss out on finer details that make up the story. So the wild West was also about scarcity, challenges of living, lack of trust among people etc. 

The deeper aspects are usually cast aside in favor of the most sensationalist explanation to a situation that feeds the human appetite for a dramatic story. 

There are deeper reasons as to why a person might be acting the way they do and might have less to do with real attention seeking and more to do with wanting help. And seeking help is not selfish at all. 

The kind of mind that is needed to understand complex human behavior is either a psychologist who is quite experienced or some sort of a sociopath who has a weird form or empathy towards generally unacceptable or socially condemned behavior or is less resistant to judgement because of him having been the victim of social judgement himself. 

It's like if the drug addict is ostracized in society for being a drug addict and nobody tries to understand why he is a drug addict, but a murderer understands him better because he can understand the troubles and miseries of a persecuted person (him being persecuted for being a murderer) and he has a bit of empathy since he is not in a morally superior position to judge, so judgement gets replaced by empathy towards someone who is considered a serious offender by society yet not such a serious offender in the eyes of a murderer 

 

I guess a very multi dimensional character is the only one who can understand complex human behavior by applying appropriate rationale and without judgement. 

 

 

 

I see @Preety_India but I disagree entirely with the connotation of the term selfishness you've inferred. The cry for help is the very definition of selfishness, what I recommend doing is rearranging your perception of selfishness. In culture its been misconstrued as "bad, evil, corrupt", but it entirely depends on the kind of selfishness as well as its presence overtime relative to someones capacities. Babies are some of the most selfish beings on the planet, they require attention and then they don't depending on said baby, in order to interact with said baby though, do we desire its attention as adults or do we try to connect with it? Many people are naive to the sentiments of innocence and how they can harbour deeper truths that we're meant to follow in all of our interactions, in this sense on the subject of connection. Connection is entirely selfish but its not selfish in its expression because you're creating the only possible space by which connection between two people and therefore a selfless interaction was possible. Selflessness is simply a created space, not a state of being. You can't be selfless, but you can create the space for the virtues that can be derived from it, with connection here being exemplary of that.

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Origins